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YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD

Developing a servant’s heart

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

—Matthew 5:16

WE’LL NEVER FORGET THE girls in the cage.

SERVING OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES

Locked Up and Abandoned

It wasn’t the kind of cage you might see at the zoo but a twenty-foot-high fenced area in an orphanage in Central America. Dad and several of us Duggars had traveled with some friends to El Salvador and Honduras to help and encourage Christians working in ministry there and to do what we could to help spread the gospel. We spent one day visiting a couple of orphanages, and when we came to visit the older girls who live in one government-run facility, we walked through heavy steel doors that clanged shut behind us after we passed. We could hear the security guard threading the heavy chain back through the door handles and snapping the big padlock closed, locking us in with the thirty girls, ages eleven to seventeen, who live in either of the two big rooms joined by a small, center courtyard, sleeping on bunk beds and looking out on the world through iron-barred windows.

They’re locked in this high-security area of the orphanage, not because they’ve done something bad, but because they’re thought to have the greatest potential for trying to escape or because they have noncustodial relatives who may want to kidnap them. Ironically, as soon as they turn eighteen, these girls are turned out onto the street, most likely with no skills and no means of supporting themselves.

We were there during the closing days of our latest mission trip to Central America. We had ridden in the back of pickup trucks with local Christian friends and hiked long distances to bring the gospel to residents of remote villages, visiting them in their simple, mud-brick homes. We’d attended church services and helped put on conferences with dedicated believers in area churches. And now we had gotten permission to visit a government-run orphanage, bringing the girls simple treats and gifts, including Bibles. We’d visited the other areas of the orphanage, including the section where teenage mothers tended their babies, and the areas where younger children lived. Then came the visit to the older “high-risk” girls. The girls in the cage.

In 2013, Dad accompanied most of the older Duggar kids on a missions trip to Honduras, including, from left, Jinger, Jill, Jessa, Jana, and Joy.

We gathered in the center courtyard, which was enclosed by an old, rusty, twenty-foot-high chain-link fence topped with barbed wire. We began with a quick little mime skit and then shared why we had come—to tell them about Jesus. I (Jana) shared my testimony and told the girls God loves each one of them. Through an interpreter, I told them how they could have a relationship with Jesus if they received the gift of salvation and forgiveness He offers to each of us.

Then I asked, “If you were to die tonight, how many think you would go to heaven?”

A few of the girls raised their hands, but many were unsure.

Then I asked, “How many think you will go to hell?”

One girl raised her hand. She wore a black leather jacket—and a sullen, almost angry demeanor. She’d paced nervously while we’d presented the skit and then while I shared my testimony. At one point, she walked away and then came back in.

The next part of our visit was sharing a craft project and making bracelets together, which gave us an opportunity to visit informally one-on-one with the girls. I (Jill) began to help the girl wearing the black jacket make her bracelet, which gave me time to talk with her. While Jana had been talking and the girl had been pacing, I’d prayed fervently that God would calm her spirit and open her heart to the good news we were bringing. I’m working hard to learn Spanish, and I was able to have a simple conversation with her. She told me she’d lived in the orphanage since she was two years old. Her dad was from Guatemala and her mom was from Mexico, she said, “and they don’t care about me.”

I was able to talk to her about how she could have a personal relationship with Jesus, who does care about her. I gave her a little Bible and showed her some key verses. I pointed them out to her and then asked her to read them herself. When I asked if she understood, she nodded. When it was time to leave, I asked her how I could pray for her. She said her prayer was that someday she could meet her mom.

I prayed for her, asking God to bring her mom back into her life. But I prayed in English, which she didn’t understand, so I prayed for a lot more than that! I asked God to help her work through the hard things of the past and find healing. And I asked that she would be able to forgive those who had offended her and break the chains of bitterness that seemed to spread such gloom over her. But most important, I prayed that her heart would be softened toward God and that one day she would be saved, remembering what Jesus told His disciples, that sometimes “one soweth, and another reapeth” (John 4:37). In other words, I hoped the seed of the gospel planted in this girl’s heart would one day come to fruition—if God would so choose, through another person—and that she would become a powerful example to other girls walking through the same struggles she has known all her life.

Another girl, about fourteen, also left a lasting memory. She cried as she told us she’d been there only six days and she knew she would stay until she was eighteen.

Our most common way of traveling while on our missions trips to Central America is standing with others in the back of a pickup truck, holding on to the enclosing metal framework. Only the bravest travelers stand on the back bumper!

It was hard to leave those girls, and we were all in tears as we said good-bye. It wasn’t only their day-to-day situation—in essence, living in a locked cage—that broke our hearts; it was that we knew that, aside from Jesus, they had no hope. They longed to escape from the orphanage, but at the same time they knew they had little chance for a better life outside its walls. Many had been taken out of abusive situations, but now the system that was set up to protect them was creating a different kind of abuse.

Shalom Children’s Home

From there we traveled to another orphanage, this one run by Christians from the States, and it was completely opposite to the sad facility we had visited earlier. The children there were happy—and loved. In fact, one of the challenges the Christian orphanage was facing was that children who grew up there and turned eighteen didn’t want to leave! The couple who ran the orphanage accommodated those requests by giving the former residents jobs at the orphanage or letting them live there while they volunteered their services. But two weeks before our visit, government officials had told the owners the “children” had to leave when they turned eighteen—no exceptions. It was a heartbreaking situation for everyone involved.

There was a lot of sadness and heartache in the places we visited in Central America, but the Christian orphanage, Shalom Children’s Home, also was a place of great inspiration, especially when we heard the story of the Americans who started it.

Don and Rose Ann Benner had enjoyed a comfortable life in Colorado, where Don worked as an executive for an international corporation. In 1976, when Don was fifty-two, the Benners felt called to do missionary work in foreign lands, and they sold their home and possessions and traveled by land with their two children to Costa Rica, where Don spent a year in language school, learning Spanish. They asked God to show them where He wanted them to go—and that prayer led them to El Salvador.

You can read their amazing story in full at their website, hisdonations.com, but to keep things short, in 1983 they started Shalom Children’s Home with thirteen children who had been orphaned during El Salvador’s long civil war. Since then they’ve welcomed hundreds of other children into their love-filled facility, and they’ve also opened a Christian school and now operate feeding facilities for area residents in need. Their work is totally supported by donations—and by groups of volunteers who come from America and other countries to help.

We’ve worked in children’s shelters here in Arkansas as well as those in Central America. We also visited an orphanage last year during our visit to China (more about that later). Our family is drawn to children’s facilities in part because God says true ministry is visiting the widows and fatherless, and also because of the stories Mom’s father, our Grandpa Ruark, told us about the years when he and three siblings lived in an orphanage.

Grandpa’s father died at a young age during the Great Depression, and his mother wasn’t able to earn enough money to provide for her children. She had no choice but to put them in a children’s home. After a short while, Grandpa’s sister was placed in a loving foster home, but Grandpa and his brother and other sister lived in the orphanage eight long years, until their mother remarried and was able to bring her children home with her again.

Grandpa said it was a hard life, but he was glad to have food and a bed. He told us he was grateful for everything that was done to help and support him and his siblings while they were there, and he seemed to remember every kindness, no matter how trivial. Even when he was our gray-haired Grandpa, he still remembered the Christmas when the Salvation Army brought each child in the orphanage a stuffed animal.

Remembering his stories motivates us to be that kindhearted person who makes a difference, however small, in someone’s life, especially the children we meet in orphanages. We are often reminded that we may be the first glimpse of Jesus anyone has seen. It’s important to us to keep that in mind as we go about His work.

And it’s another reason why we’re so inspired to see the impact the Benners, now in their eighties, have made in so many lives. Understanding that they’ve fed these children not only with food for their tummies but also food for their spiritual lives is a powerful, living testimony that shows what one person can do to make an eternal difference for others.

That lesson was also brought home in the Christian school we visited in El Salvador. Dad had been invited to speak to parents of the students, so he shared his thoughts on the importance of raising children to have a ministry mind-set and a servant’s heart, always looking for ways to share God’s love.

He expressed to the parents the needs that we had seen all around them, practically in their own backyards, and how that was what brought us back to their country time and again. At the end of Dad’s talk, he welcomed questions, and all of us participated in answering. The questions continued for nearly ninety minutes. We were amazed at how eager the parents were to know more about the work our team was doing and how they could get involved.

Our family gathered at a local airport for a prayer and encouragement-filled sendoff when our brother Joseph left for nine weeks of Air Land Emergency Resource Team training.

Even after the program officially ended and we were making our way to the door, parents continue to reach out to us. For example, one mom asked me (Jessa) for ideas about how she could encourage her daughter regarding proper relationships with boys, and I was glad to step aside with her and share the guidelines we older Duggar girls have adopted for ourselves with the help of our parents.

Many of the families whose children attend the school are quite wealthy, and they pay a substantial tuition, which, in turn, pays the way for the poorer children who also attend. The main message our team hoped to impart during our time there was the urgent need for those Christians to reach out to others in their area, including the children in the orphanages, with the gospel message and the love of God.

The same goes for all of us. Wherever God has placed us, there are needs all around us. We pray that each one of us will be attentive to see the needs of others and take the opportunities God gives us to share the love of Jesus with others.

It is so neat to see how God works. We are praying that someday many of these El Salvador Christian school students may be the ones God uses to reap the seeds we have sown at the orphanage and guide someone into a relationship with our Savior. And also, in a future visit, maybe we will reap the seeds they sow.

We had come on this trip to help and encourage others, but on the last night of our trip, as with every trip, it was clear that we were the ones who’d gotten the biggest blessings, a reminder of Jesus’s teaching that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” We were greatly blessed—especially as we considered the work of those who had devoted their whole lives to helping the people we had only briefly visited.

The Power of a Single Life

In addition to the Benners, who started the orphanage and school, our friends Mike Schadt and Alex Lara have also impacted many for Christ. Mike is an ex-pro beach volleyball player who was radically saved. He and his wife, Sandy, became missionaries to Italy but had to come back to the States after his wife ended up with Lyme disease. After they returned, Mike prayed about how he could minister to those around him, and he got an idea to offer to teach English as a Second Language (ESL) classes at a local college in Clearwater, Florida.

Alex Lara was a young Salvadoran rural health worker who was awarded a scholarship to come to America for additional medical training. While he was attending medical-related courses in Clearwater, he also signed up for Mike’s free English classes. Mike used the Spanish-English Bible as the textbook.

As Alex soaked up the English lessons, he also heard a clear gospel message and ended up committing his life to following Christ. Mike went on to share many Bible truths with Alex over the next few months, but then the time came for Alex to return to his own country. Mike told Alex to stay in touch and asked him to let him know if there was ever anything Mike could do for him.

After Alex returned to El Salvador he did just that. He called Mike and asked him to consider coming down to help the people in his country. Mike agreed and ended up bringing a small team to do ministry work. They organized a special presentation in the center of town and also went door-to-door sharing the gospel. The team fell in love with the people in El Salvador, but eventually they had to say good-bye and return to the States.

A major earthquake struck El Salvador one month later. Villages were destroyed by the quake itself or the resulting mudslides. Alex made another call to Mike, and Mike quickly organized some Christian friends who collected cash, food, clothes, and other much-needed items and headed back to El Salvador. They went to work in devastated villages, clearing debris, handing out clothes and personal items, and sharing food, along with the gospel message. Alex and the people who received help were grateful for the relief efforts.

During the past twelve years, about every four months Mike Schadt has taken a group of people to Central America to do ministry work. Every year around Christmastime the teams take gifts with them and hold Christmas parties in the poor villages for the children; they also take beans, rice, and other necessities to the needy families there. Alex is now a leader in the church, and his wife, Mida, leads the women and children’s ministry.

Today, Mike and Alex’s legacy is shown in the Christian churches they have started in El Salvador and Honduras and in the lives of the many people they have helped. By helping restore homes destroyed by natural disasters and by assisting the poverty-stricken residents in other ways, they have helped hearts of the villagers open up to the gospel, and many have received God’s gift of salvation.

Mike’s ministry in El Salvador eventually turned into SOS Ministries International (soshope.org), which now sends Christians who have a desire to serve on mission trips to impoverished areas in Africa, Asia, and the Americas to share the gospel while also helping with physical needs.

We joined Ray Comfort in sharing the gospel during our visit to Washington, D.C.

Again and again in their work they have seen what happens when a single heart is turned toward God. Just as Alex’s faith eventually inspired his wife and other family members to believe, one person who becomes a Christian and dedicates his or her life to living for God can have a powerful impact on his or her family. And that family, in turn, can impact dozens of others.

It’s the same way Grandma Duggar, after becoming a Christian at age fifteen when no one else in her family believed, has had such a widespread influence as the years passed. She planted the love of God in the hearts of her children, who grew up to share that love with their own children. That would be us!

When we truly turn over the control of our lives to Jesus Christ, God’s spirit then lives in us, and His love will overflow out of our lives through our words and deeds. Once we experience His love and forgiveness, we want to share it with others! And that relationship with others is what this chapter is about. The Bible tells us we are not supposed to express love only through our words but, even more important, through our actions as well, so serving others should be the primary focus of true Christians (see 1 John 3:18).

Jesus taught that we’re to treat others as we want to be treated. And He also said we’re to extend kindness to “strangers.” He told His disciples a parable about a time when God will separate “His sheep from the goats”—in other words, the blessed from the cursed. Describing that time in the future, He said the blessed ones were those who had fed Him when He was hungry, gave Him a drink when He was thirsty, sheltered Him when He was a stranger, clothed Him when He was in need, looked after Him when He was ill, and visited Him when He was in prison.

In the parable, Jesus’s followers were confused, thinking they hadn’t done any of those things for Him. They asked, “Lord, when did we see you hungry?”

Jesus explained, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me” (Matthew 25:40).

Those words empower us to carry His love out into what Christians call “the mission field,” whether it’s “the least of these” in a family living in a mud hut in Honduras; a confused, hard-hearted girl living in an orphanage in El Salvador; or someone living closer to home.

Jesus’s words also influence us Duggar girls in the way we’ve prepared for our adult years. We all hope to be wives and mothers someday, if that’s in God’s plan for us, so in the meantime we’re preparing for marriage and motherhood by acquiring as many skills as possible. We believe one of the best preparations for marriage is to develop a selfless, giving mind-set that is always looking for ways to serve others, which is another way of serving the Lord.

Discovering Our Own Ministries

In considering ideas and opportunities for training, education, and ministry, our parents have been of great help; they’ve encouraged us to build on our strengths and talents, and not to fear stepping out into something new. We want to learn all we can and prepare to do work that gives us tools and brings opportunities to share God’s love with others. That’s the career we want in life.

In the rest of this chapter, we’ll share how God has opened doors for us to let us see work we can do for Him—and where that work has taken us.

Volunteers in the Fire Department

After our brother John-David joined the local volunteer fire department, Jill and I (Jana) became interested in the work he was doing (and the adventures he was having!). So we joined, too. The three of us completed emergency response training and became Certified First Responders.

Our purpose in joining the department was to gain practical medical skills that would enable us to help the people in our community and in our own family. Since then, we’ve had hundreds of opportunities to assist in a variety of emergency situations, from car rollovers caused by drunk drivers to people having heart attacks. Sometimes in our small town we even get called out to things like a little old lady’s cat stuck in a tree or a kid with his lip stuck in a sippie cup (true story!).

Even though Jill and I have been trained in how to put out fires, we’ll probably stick to running the pumps on the fire trucks. Since there are plenty of guys in our volunteer department, we’re not the ones going into burning buildings; we leave that to the men. At the same time, we know that a woman’s presence—say, in the case of a woman in labor—is much appreciated!

Jana also completed the emergency-response training and served with our volunteer fire department, but she’s discontinued that work since her involvement with Journey to the Heart retreats takes her away from home.

In May 2011, our training led us to Joplin, Missouri, after the devastating F5 tornado destroyed parts of the city. Joplin is just a ninety-minute drive north of our home, so we gathered up equipment and supplies and headed up there within hours of the tornado hitting that area. As the sun rose over the city, we joined a special response team from Arkansas assigned to search the local Home Depot, which had been leveled by 189-mile-per-hour winds.

The former building was nothing but a tangled mass of steel, concrete, shelving, merchandise, and other debris that had blown into the site. As our work began, we hoped to find survivors but knew it would be difficult to get them out of the wreckage without causing further injury. Several people had been shopping in the store as the clouds started to swirl late in the day on May 22. Several others were driving nearby and, realizing it was simply too dangerous to stay on the road, rushed into the huge store, seeking shelter from the storm.

One such driver was a dad with his two small children, an eighteen-month-old boy and a five-year-old girl. He called his wife to let her know they were hurrying into the Home Depot for safety. A worker inside the building was finding customers and rushing them to a safe room in the back. Suddenly, the tornado’s fierce winds smashed into the store, knocking the thick exterior walls to the ground and caving in the roof from front to back. The worker who was rushing others to safety was among the dead found by Jill and John’s team at the front of the building. He had been coming back to the storefront to help more people when the building collapsed. Many survived because he led them to the safe room, but he did not.

The search process grew increasingly grim as the work shifted from trying to be careful not to crush potential survivors to simply avoiding doing more damage to the bodies buried beneath the tons of rubble. The team pulled body after body from the wreckage, some of us holding up tarps to shield the scene from bystanders, many of whom were anxious family members hoping their loved ones had survived.

Workers cut chunks of concrete so we could pull the pieces off crushed victims. As one large chunk came up, we saw a man lying facedown. Over his shoulder we could see little fingers, and on the other side another little hand reached from beneath him. It was the man and his two young children.

We held it together as we plowed through the dreary day. There was too much to do to stop and think about how awful it was. But later on, during debriefing, the day’s events began to sink in. So many lives were lost, so many families were ripped apart, so many hearts were broken; the grief threatened to overwhelm us. But at the same time we were thankful God had allowed us to receive emergency-response training years before, which enabled us to serve the people of Joplin in this very challenging situation.

Seeing such tragedies firsthand reminds us how important it is to always be available to help and to serve. It also emphasizes the value of life and of making wise use of each day because we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

While our emergency and first responder work led Jill and me (Jana) into medical-related fields, it’s not quite Jinger’s and Jessa’s thing. But after Josie was born prematurely, all four of us completed neonatal resuscitation training so we could help in that kind of scary situation, should it occur. (Seeing three-year-old Josie run around the house now like an energetic fireball, it’s hard to remember the time our family prayed for every breath she took as a twenty-two-ounce preemie!)

On December 15, 2009, the day after half of our family had returned from El Salvador, everyone drove to Little Rock to see their new baby sister, Josie Brooklyn Duggar.

Jill: Becoming a Midwife

My (Jill’s) interest in midwifery may have been sparked when Mom welcomed us older girls to be with her and Dad during a couple of births. I considered many other types of work, too, but I prayed that God would show me His will and that He would make it so clear I wouldn’t miss it. He has done that, and I’m so grateful!

Several years ago I did some babysitting for a doula, the professional name for a childbirth educator—someone who provides emotional support and guidance for parents as they go through the birthing process. I was interested in the work she did and loved hearing her talk about it, but I wasn’t thinking of going into that field myself. I was still seeking the Lord’s will for whatever skills He was leading me to.

And then, last year, a midwife/preceptor moved to our area; as a licensed midwife, she is qualified to deliver babies, usually in the local birthing center or in private homes, and as a preceptor, she’s qualified to help train others in midwifery through apprenticeships. A friend of a friend introduced us, and after we had talked she offered me a chance to apprentice with her.

I prayed about the decision and talked to my parents. Then we prayed together (no big decisions are made without prayer in the Duggar family!), and they encouraged me to walk through these doors that God was opening for me.

Meanwhile, the midwife/preceptor I work with is fluent in Spanish and has many Spanish-speaking clients, so that’s a big help in my efforts to become fluent in that language. Many people who hear about my apprenticeship assume that women in our area who choose home deliveries are Christian, homeschooling moms like my mom. But that’s not the case. Most of our clients are not believers. And many of the birthing mothers I’ve helped have been single moms.

I’ve attended births in bright, clean, happy homes—and also in dingy, backwoods shacks where an abundance of curse words and alcohol seemed to be an ordinary part of the evening. No matter where it happens, the birth of a baby is an amazing thing, and I feel blessed to play a tiny part in bringing God’s blessings into the world. I usually ask the mom if I can pray for her and her baby—especially when problems occur. The mom almost always says yes, and it is such a precious opportunity to be the first to pray a blessing over a newborn baby. Sometimes, when the mom is open to it, I also give the baby a gift—a little Bible.

Of all the births I’ve been a part of, our experience in China was probably the most memorable, and I wasn’t even allowed to be in the delivery room for it, even though the parents wanted me to be there. Instead my role was limited to pacing and praying in the hallway.

It happened last year when our family traveled to China on ten-day journalism visas so we could record some episodes for the TV series. Our production coordinator, Courtney Enlow, wife of our videographer, Scott Enlow, was a little more than seven months pregnant at the time, but she’d gotten the go-ahead from her doctor to make the trip. We brought along an obstetrics nurse, just in case, and everything went well until, midway through our China visit, Courtney slipped and fell on some steps leading down to the subway from Tiananmen Square.

There didn’t seem to be an immediate problem, but Courtney was a bit rattled and went back to the hotel to rest for a while. When she got up later that day to eat something, her water broke—which meant her baby was on its way! It also meant we were about to see a whole different side of the communist country we were visiting—one we would have preferred to miss.

To tell the entire story, with all its complexities and frustrations, we would need a separate book. In this limited space, I’ll just tell you that, once again, God answered prayer and pushed aside a lot of otherwise impossible obstructions and regulations so that little Leah Enlow was successfully ushered into this world by a Chinese obstetrical team.

The actual birth itself was about the only “normal” part of the days surrounding her arrival, at least by American standards. When Courtney was hospitalized (China requires that all babies are born in hospitals), we were shocked to see less-than-ideal conditions there (including lots of black mold in the bathroom). At one point Scott stepped outside the hospital for a moment and saw a crowd of people peering into an open hospital window. He walked over to see what everyone was staring at and was surprised to find that they were watching a doctor operate on a patient’s neck.

We were also stunned to learn that, in China, patients must supply their own linens and medical supplies. So Jana and I were constantly running back and forth to the store in the hospital basement buying bedsheets and towels, a bedpan and IV bags, diapers, and baby items!

Courtney was there overnight before Leah was born, and she went for long stretches of time when no one in the hospital even looked in on her. I was glad I could be there most of the time early on in her labor to check her progress, encourage her, and help her get into some positions that would ease her discomfort. When the doctor announced that the baby was on its way, Scott and I helped push Courtney’s bed to the other side of the (huge) hospital. Then we were told to wait in the hallway.

It’s hard to imagine now that the little girl playing dress-up with Josiah would one day be helping with deliveries (Jana is on the far right).

Scott protested that he was the dad and he had to be there, and Courtney was saying the same thing. The idea seemed entirely foreign to the Chinese team, but they reluctantly agreed to let him come in after he had scrubbed up. They said they would come and get him when they had prepped Courtney to push. But they forgot about him! And once again, he had to insist that they let him in. They said okay, but there was no way they were letting me into the delivery room, too. Courtney said that when they rolled her into the delivery room, the last baby that was born (a little girl) was still lying on a table, still covered in blood and mucus. The newborn lay there crying the whole time, unattended, while Courtney was delivering Leah.

Courtney had expected to have an epidural to ease the pain of delivery, but during the hospital admitting process she was told that the hospital didn’t keep epidurals in stock and that mothers had to order them at the beginning of their pregnancies! So she was heading into delivery without the pain medication she’d hoped for—while all the Duggars and production team members prayed that her labor would be short, that the delivery would be problem-free, and that the hospital staff would show mercy to this worried mom-to-be. And that’s what happened. The beautiful Leah Adee Enlow arrived safely, and her parents were allowed a quick peek at her.

Then the hospital staff instantly hustled Leah away to the nursery, where parents were not allowed. They told the Enlows they could see Leah in three days. Three days! There wasn’t even a window in the nursery so parents and visitors could see the babies. Apparently the staff claimed that the no-visitors, no-viewing rule was to protect the babies from outside germs. And maybe that would have been halfway believable except that one day when Scott was there, begging to see his daughter, a small motorcycle drove down the hospital corridor, apparently making deliveries of mail or supplies!

At one point staffers told Scott he could see the baby if he paid three hundred dollars. He paid. And they said, “Sorry. It’ll be awhile longer. The baby still needs some more tests.”

The excuses of mysterious and unnamed “tests” stretched on and on, and all of us were on edge, knowing this kind of separation wasn’t good for the baby or her parents. The other issue was that our ten-day visas were about to expire, and all of us, even the Enlows, would have no choice but to leave the country—or be threatened with arrest.

Still the hospital staff hesitated. They told Scott and Courtney they could go to Hong Kong and reapply for visas and then come back for their baby. It all seemed too bizarre to understand. We spent our last few days in China in lots of prayer and mainly just trying to console and encourage Scott and Courtney.

Finally, the American ambassador to China got involved, and on the day before our visas expired, the tests were “magically” completed, and little Leah was allowed to leave the hospital—and the country. I don’t think any of us had ever been so relieved to head home as we were that day when we all finally boarded the plane, sending up prayer after prayer of thankfulness that God had seen us through this trying time.

When we boarded the plane to come home from China, our group of family and film crew had one more member than when we arrived. Leah Enlow, daughter of our production coordinator, Courtney Enlow, and her husband, videographer Scott Enlow, was born (prematurely) while we were there.

The experience was scary, exhausting, and also very confirming, showing us again how much we need to rely on God as He leads us through situations that might seem intolerable or even impossible at first. It also confirmed for me that midwifery is work I can use to serve Him wherever I am. Now I’m looking forward to completing my national certification so I can continue to serve God in this way for as long as He chooses to keep this pathway open for me.

Jana: Journey to the Heart

Jill and I (Jana) love sharing in the birthing process, and we’ve both found a way to be involved. While I’ve had quite a bit of midwife training, I feel called to focus on childbirth coaching and prenatal preparation instead of “running the show,” as Jill does so competently when she serves as midwife. I love helping the mom- or parents-to-be get ready for the birth by coaching them through breathing and stretching exercises; it’s a joy to see them approach the birth with a sense of happy anticipation rather than nervous anxiety. Helping expectant parents know what to expect can give them a greater sense of peace and well-being when the contractions begin, and it’s very rewarding to see that happen. The other thing I really enjoy is working with Jill as a team during a birth. It’s a blessing to see her working with her calm, confident skill to help bring another baby into the world.

But during the last year or so God has also opened a door for me to serve in a ministry called Journey to the Heart. I’ve stepped back from my work as a first responder and as a birthing coach because my work with Journey usually requires quite a bit of my time.

Journey is a program for young people—teenagers and young adults, plus a new program designed for moms—offered by the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP). It can be presented in different settings and for different lengths of time; in fact, most recently, Jessa, Jinger, and I worked as leaders and assistants in a seven-day Journey to the Heart seminar in a high-security prison in Florida (Jinger will tell you more about that later). Most of the Journeys are ten-day retreats where attendees gather at the IBLP headquarters in Chicago for a couple of days of preparation before traveling to the beautiful Northwoods Conference Center in Michigan. This is where the “real work” is done as the larger groups of ten-person teams break into individual times where it’s just you and God.

Over the years we Duggar kids have chosen not to attend youth camps and the like because we prefer to attend conferences together as a family. But we have also seen the importance of this Journey to the Heart for each one of us older children, setting aside a week where it’s just us and God. No distractions with cell phones, computers, or the daily routines back home. At Journey, you get down into the deep issues of the heart, and ask God to search you and try you, and determine what areas of your life are hindering you from having a close relationship with Him.

We Duggar girls had our first experience with Journey to the Heart in 2009, and we were blessed to have our sister-in-law Anna’s sister Priscilla as our leader. Journey leads participants to study eighteen “heart conditions” described in the Bible, both good conditions (like a pure heart, humble heart, or forgiving heart, for example) and bad conditions (for example, a “murmuring heart” focused on negativity and complaining). This journey helps participants focus on getting their heart “right” with the Lord and understanding His heart’s desire for them. In addition, powerful video messages and testimonies help attendees understand who God is, and they learn how to trust Him more fully. As a Journey leader, I get to see God working in the hearts of these individuals, and there’s just no experience like it.

The girls I’ve worked with in Journey to the Heart come from very diverse backgrounds. Some come from homeschool families. Some have been to church a few times but don’t have a clear perspective of who Jesus is. Some participants come from a very rough background; they may have been involved in drugs or crime of some sort, and their parents have sent them to Journey as a last resort, hoping their daughter can be “fixed.” At one Journey retreat this year, I was amazed to learn that several participants had come from Korea, Israel, and Singapore.

Sometimes I don’t know the girls’ backgrounds, but as we get to know each other over the ten days we spend together, they start opening up and sharing more about themselves. We try to have one-on-one conversations whenever the girls are ready for that step. In almost every retreat there are girls who don’t want to be there, but again and again I’ve seen how God can soften their hearts and open their minds so that by the end of the retreat they seem like different people. It’s not at all unusual to have these girls reluctantly tell us on the last day, “I don’t want to leave!”

A lot of these girls have never had somebody sit down and ask them the hard questions—like, What are you going through right now? What’s the deepest hurt in your life?—and then listen to their answers, help them sort out their feelings, and consider what next steps would be most likely to bring healing to the hurts they’ve experienced.

I’ve been amazed to hear girl after girl express heartache about her relationship with her father. When I think back on the girls I’ve worked with, I estimate that more than half have been emotionally hurt by their dad.

Again and again girls talk about their dad’s anger in the home and how badly their dad’s angry words have hurt their young and tender hearts. One girl said her dad was like a volcano when he erupted in anger. And she added, “Even if a volcano only erupts once a year, no one wants to live close to it.”

We pray for special blessings on those girls, asking that God would give them peace, that He would shield their hearts from the angry words, and help them respond in a calm manner. As God tells us, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). And we also join those girls in prayer for their dads, asking God to replace their negative characteristics with positive ones. That in place of anger, God would give those dads peace; in place of frustration, patience.

At the end of most Journeys, we have a wonderful time of blessing. We usually suggest that each girl call her dad or mom and ask if one or both of them will call back at a certain time the next day and pray a blessing over their daughter. Some of these girls don’t come from Christian homes, and in that case, if they are uncomfortable with this, we ask church leaders to pray a special blessing.

One young teenager who did come from a Christian family had struggled through lots of secrets and heartache during the retreat, and God had worked a miraculous change in her heart. She had called home and told her parents what she had been struggling with for the past several years, and they were able to work through a lot of her problems. As we neared the end of the retreat, she realized there were many things she needed to give up, and as she gave God control of these areas, she was happy about the changes He was making in her life. But then she came to me with the saddest look on her face.

When I asked gently, “How are you doing?” she started bawling.

She had excitedly called home and said, “Dad, they’re going to have a prayer time for dads and moms to pray a blessing for their daughters. It’s tomorrow morning at ten o’clock. Could you call then and pray over me?”

My heart broke for her when she said, “My dad said he doesn’t want to.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just gave her a hug. “He didn’t say, ‘I don’t want to pray for you,’ ” she said between sobs. “He was, like, ‘I don’t know about that. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable doing that. I’d rather not.’ ”

The father’s words deeply hurt this girl, who was probably thirteen or fourteen. Some of the other participants and leaders gathered around her and prayed with her. Something discussed a lot during Journey is how God can use difficult situations to grow us and make us stronger. After her tears were dried, one of the leaders said, “You know, we’re going to face lots of trials in life, and we can respond the wrong way by holding the hurt inside and getting bitter—but that will only hurt us more in the long run. Or we can choose to forgive and then pray that God will bless the person who hurt us with the character quality that person is lacking. In your dad’s case, that would be sensitivity. When we’re in the middle of tough situations like this, we have two choices: we can either become bitter, or better.”

We also told her that many other fathers and pastors would be happy to pray over her. I suggested that she read her Bible and think about some of the things we’d talked about during the retreat and that she look for Scripture verses she could pray for her dad.

The girl left the room, and about an hour later, as we were talking to another girl, she burst in and said, “Girls! I’m so excited! I found these verses, and it’s so perfect for what I’m working through right now.”

She had found scriptures promising that, no matter what happens, no matter who else turns away from us, God will not forsake us.

“I think you’re right,” the girl said. “This is a testing for me, showing me that God wants me to treasure His love even more than anyone else’s.” And then she added, “I prayed for Dad. And, really, I think it’s probably a misunderstanding.”

The next day came, and her dad didn’t call. But by that point, the girl was so assured of God’s love for her that she could forgive her dad for his inability to respond the way she had desired him to.

Jinger: Ministering Behind Bars

Like Jana, Jill, and Jessa, I (Jinger) am at a time when I’m asking God to lead me in the direction He would have for my life. Photography is something I have enjoyed for several years now, and I’m constantly looking for ways I can use what I’ve learned, hoping it can be a blessing to others. Scott Enlow, the videographer for the 19 Kids and Counting TV series, has been very kind to share his wealth of information and teach some of us kids about the technical side of photography as well as sharing tips on things like composition and framing. I was honored to be asked to take individual portraits and family photos for some political candidates during the last campaign season, and I love snapping photos of our family whenever we’re traveling.

A friend and I also photographed a wedding—a rather scary thing for us because neither of us had done a wedding before. One concern was the lighting. We were hoping we wouldn’t have to use flash, both because the pictures aren’t as pretty and also because the flash itself would distract from the ceremony. We did a lot of preparation and praying in the days leading up to the wedding, and God helped us stay calm and focused (literally!) on the job at hand. When it was all said and done, the couple was pleased with the way the pictures turned out, and we were thankful for that.

We are humbled to be invited to play our violins (and, in Josiah’s case, the cello) at places such as Charles Stanley’s church, where this photo was taken.

One area of ministry I’ve felt a calling for is the juvenile detention center in our area. Every other week I go there with a couple of other ladies and usually one or two of my sisters to minister to girls who are in lockup there.

The kids at the detention center are eleven to seventeen, and they’re usually in “juvy” because they stole something, or maybe they’ve been caught with drugs, or somehow they just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Most are there for a relatively short time, no more than a month or two, but occasionally we talk to a teenager who’s done something violent and is facing serious consequences.

So many times we find that these kids are at the end of themselves. They feel lost and broken, and they’re looking for help, searching for answers in life. Looking for a way out of the downward spiral they seem to have fallen into, they are often receptive and sometimes even eager to hear what we have to say. Often we can tell that God has gone before us and softened the heart of at least one young girl who acknowledges her need for true repentance and God’s forgiveness and wants to trust Christ as Savior.

So many times in ministry, you reach out to someone with your testimony or some other information about the gospel, and that person just isn’t interested. But in juvy, more times than not, the teens we talk to are ready to listen.

We pray with them and talk to them about what it means to be free in Christ. Sometimes we meet with a girl who’s terribly sad and close to despair. She thinks no one could ever forgive her for what she’s done and that this is the way her life is going to be from now on. But we are able to tell her about God, who loves her no matter what, and who can forgive everything. To see a girl light up when she understands and accepts this truth is very exciting.

I’ve been so blessed by this work, which was motivated largely by my time at the Journey to the Heart retreat with my sisters back in 2009. So you might think that when I was invited to help with a Journey to the Heart program at a women’s prison in Florida, I would see it as the perfect way to combine two of my favorite ministries.

Not!

I felt scared, not about being in the prison, but I was afraid I was too young and wouldn’t know what to say to women who could be the age of my mother—or grandmother!

I sought advice from my mom. “Why are they asking me to go? I don’t know what I would say to older people. I’m used to working with kids.”

Mom told me, “Jinger, this is not about you. It’s about Jesus and sharing His love. When the time comes, God will put on your heart what He wants you to share with these ladies.”

So I prayed and read my Bible. I was inspired by 1 Timothy 4:12: “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.” Even though I am young, I desired to be an example of believers!

At that point it was easier to say, “Okay, Lord. I had the wrong perspective. I understand now: it’s about You.”

About forty of us, both men and women, gathered in Florida for that Journey to the Heart. We stayed at a camp a few miles from the prisons and slept in bunkhouses, one for the women, one for the men. Every morning for seven days, we woke up about 5 A.M. (a stretch for us night-owl Duggars!) to get ready and then make the thirty-minute drive to the prison complex, arriving about 7 A.M. The men headed to the men’s prison and the women to the women’s. We passed through airport-type security and finally met the Journey participants.

As we entered the room, we received a special welcome from the ladies who had gathered; all were very eager to learn more about God. The lines of grief and bitterness could be seen on many of their faces as a result of the poor decisions that had led up to their incarceration. We prayed that God would use us to bring to every one of these women the hope and healing that we ourselves have found in His forgiveness.

As we began to greet the ladies one by one and looked deep into their eyes, we remembered Dad’s words to us growing up: God sees everyone the same. We are all sinners. So we can never compare ourselves to others and think that we are somehow better than they are.

He would also tell us that a person doesn’t just wake up one day and decide, Hey, nice day for robbing a bank. I think that’s what I’ll do today. It starts with one small, bad decision that leads to a bigger bad decision, and before you know it you’ve done something you never saw yourself capable of doing. As the saying goes, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.”

Classic hymns of the Christian faith are taught in our home from an early age. Here you see Jessa leading in song around our family table.

Our hearts were full of compassion and love for those women. Each morning we started with the large-group meeting. Being that this was our first time in a prison, all of us girls were struck by the world in which these women live. Massive fences are topped with three rows of barbed wire, and a center guard tower controls all doors and gates. About a hundred women had signed up for Journey. As a prerequisite, a few months prior, all of them had completed another IBLP program called the Basic Seminar, a sort of introduction to Christian living.

Each morning during Journey, the group heard a video message followed by personal testimonies from some of the leaders or assistants, who talked about things like former addictions or fears. Next we worked through the Journey to the Heart material assigned for that day.

Then came a break when each person “got alone with the Lord,” as we described it, to ask Him to reveal the negative heart conditions or other areas each woman needed to work on. Each one was given a Journey binder that included journal pages where she could record her prayers as well as the direction in which she felt God leading her.

Jana was serving as a small-group leader, and Jessa and I came along as assistant leaders, but the leader I was assisting was the organizer of the complete women’s Journey team, and she often had to step away to help another leader or speak to prison officials, so I was often left in charge of leading the team time for my group. “My” ladies ranged in age from twenty-three to sixty-five—definitely different from the juvenile detention center, where the oldest person I’d worked with was seventeen!

One of the major differences between Journey seminars held in a quiet retreat or in a prison was that, at any moment, a session in the prison could be interrupted by a “call-out,” when a prison guard would step into the room where we were meeting and call out the names of inmates who had to leave for various reasons. Usually after the large-group session we would split up into our small groups of ten to twelve women, but one day so many women were called out that only two women were left in my small group. But the amazing thing was that the Lord knew exactly who needed to be there. The two women who were left that day were from the same dorm and had held hard grudges against each other for quite some time. In that quiet, very personal setting, they were able to make things right and apologize to one another for their wrong attitudes and actions.

Working seven days straight in the prison from 8 A.M. to 8 P.M., I expected to be exhausted. And I’ll admit, at the end of the first day, I was pretty tired. But after that, I felt energized because while God was working on the hearts of the inmates we were serving, He was also doing an amazing work within our own hearts and strengthening us too! It was sometimes overwhelming to see how He continually worked to open these ladies’ hearts and minds to His love and grace.

Sometimes this happened through the simplest comments. For example, on the first days we were there, one of the women in my group who had a daughter my age asked if we were going to the beach after Journey ended. She assumed that, coming from a landlocked state like Arkansas at the end of winter, we would want to enjoy a spring break trip to soak up some sunshine on Florida’s beautiful shoreline.

No, we told her, no beach trips are planned.

Oh, she said, eyebrows raised.

Then she said she’d heard there were some good antiques shops in the area, and she asked if we had found time to go shopping.

No, we told her, no shopping, either. “We’re only here because we wanted to bring God’s love to you,” we said. “You’re the only reason we’ve come.”

The thought seemed almost shocking to some of the participants overhearing the conversation, and it obviously carried a heartfelt message: that they mattered more to us than a Florida vacation. And equally surprising to them was that the Journey team members spent the whole day in the prisons. They told us that other volunteers who had come in would usually leave to eat lunch in town somewhere. But most days, we ate both lunch and supper with the inmates, sitting with them at the stainless-steel tables in the huge dining hall and eating exactly what they ate.

Sure, we probably could have gotten tastier food in a nearby restaurant, and the dining experience would have been quieter and less stressful. (At least once during each meal, and sometimes two or three times, prison guards would call out, “Count!” which indicated that all volunteers were required to stand at the table—or sometimes against a wall—so that all the inmates could be counted to ensure no one was missing.) But what amazing opportunities we would have missed if we hadn’t shared those meals with the women we were serving!

However, for me, it wasn’t the meal itself that led to the most life-changing moments but the simple walk to and from the dining hall. The various prison dormitories are connected to the dining hall by eight-foot-wide sidewalks, each painted with yellow lines two feet from the edges. The inmates are required to walk within those outer borders so there’s no opportunity for contact with inmates who might be walking in the other direction along the opposite edge. Only volunteers and prison guards and officials are allowed to walk in the center of the sidewalk. Most of the time, we walked in line with the inmates, but sometimes being able to walk alongside one of the women provided the opportunity for a brief, heart-to-heart talk.

These talks were powered by prayer and scripted by God. Each day as we rode to and from the prisons in large vans, and also during each day’s late-afternoon gathering of the entire Journey team, we would share prayer requests for the inmates we were working with, and we would also share scriptures that could be helpful for an individual. We watched in awe as so many hearts were turned. It was a week of miracle after miracle as God worked wonders within the inmates we were serving.

For example, one of the inmates I was working with was probably in her mid-thirties. I’d been praying for her, and I’d asked the other team members for guidance in how to handle the questions she was raising and the attitude that seemed to be blocking her from being willing to give up everything for Jesus. One day as we walked to lunch, I asked her, “Are you a fan of Jesus or a follower? Are you just saying, ‘Yay, Jesus!’ or are you willing to lay down everything for Him?”

Some people love to stand in church on Sunday and sing all the songs, but they don’t want God to interfere with the rest of their week. They are delighted with the thought of Jesus being our Savior, which literally means that He forgives our sins and saves us from judgment and spending eternity in hell. But they’re not willing to give Him the place of Lord and Master, which means giving Him authority over and control of their daily life and allowing Him to remove anything from their lives that He doesn’t approve of. But what they don’t realize is that they can’t have one without the other. If Jesus is your Savior, He also takes the position of your Lord and Master.

This woman obviously did a lot of thinking as she ate because as we left the dining hall that day she said, “Jinger, I think I’m ready to commit my life to the Lord.”

We were all lined up on the yellow line, waiting to walk back to the meeting room. I was excited for her but didn’t want to do anything that would get her in trouble with the guards. I said, “Do you want to wait until we get back to the room, or do you want to do it now?”

“Now!” she said excitedly. We quietly stepped onto the grass alongside the sidewalk and prayed together. And right there in the open, she committed her life to the Lord. What a moment! I almost felt that I heard the angels singing, right there inside the prison walls.

Another woman in my group seemed so wise with head knowledge of the Bible and Christianity, but when we talked about a personal relationship with Jesus she seemed to hold back. Much of the time she was there physically, but she was zoned out emotionally. She was in her mid-forties; she had only been in the prison a few months and seemed to be in denial about her situation. I kept thinking, Something is different about her. But what is it?

I asked the other team members to pray for her, and I prayed, too, that God would do whatever was necessary to bring her into the personal relationship with Him that she so needed.

The next morning when the session began, I asked the woman, “How are you doing today?”

“I’m doing great,” she answered with a tight smile.

We continued with the day’s schedule, and then a little later during a break I asked her again, “How are you doing?”

“Do you want to sit down?” she said.

I pulled two chairs together, and we sat. Immediately the tears started flowing as she shared some of what had been holding her back. She asked if I could walk to lunch with her, and she continued sharing as we walked. She asked questions about how she could have a real relationship with the Lord and what that would mean. And then, right there in front of everyone, she prayed in humility and repentance for God’s Salvation. She asked Jesus to come into her life, and again the angels were surely rejoicing!

When I shared her story with the other leaders that evening, one of them commented, “That just goes to show that intellectually, a person can have all the head knowledge of the Bible and Christianity, but sometimes people stop short of truly knowing Jesus.”

When this Journey experience began, the team leader told us she had a list of the participants and the crimes they’d been convicted of that led to their imprisonment. Most of us didn’t want to know about the convictions going into the retreat because we knew that might subconsciously influence our work with the women. But as this woman shared her story with me, she told me she expected to spend the rest of her life behind bars. It turned out she’d been convicted of first-degree murder.

As we flew home from Florida at the end of our week in the prison, I thanked God for the time I’d been able to spend with each of those precious ladies.

When we were in El Salvador, working in the orphanages and making home visits in the remote villages, I had thought, It just can’t get any better than this. It’s the most rewarding work anyone could hope for. And then I spent that week working in the prison and realized that each new opportunity is more inspiring and energizing than the last. I can’t wait to see what doors and new opportunities God will open in the future. As Dad says often, “Life is an exciting adventure when you’re seeking to follow God!”

Jessa: By the Numbers

Like my siblings, I (Jessa) am grateful for the opportunities God provides for us to minister to others. For example, although I’m not nearly as skilled in photography as Jinger is, I’ve learned some things from her and from Scott, the family’s videographer. When Jill came home from a day of midwife training and mentioned that some of her clients were wishing someone could photograph their baby’s birth and precious first hours with parents, grandparents, and older siblings, the obvious choice was Jinger, the “family photog.” But then we remembered that Jinger would probably pass out at the first sight of blood (proving again that all of us Duggars have our own personal likes, dislikes, abilities, and hang-ups).

Our film crew has taught us a lot about photography, and they’re patient when we want to take a peek through the lens.

So I offered to take on that job, and now I enjoy going along with Jill when her clients ask for childbirth videos and baby photos. When I get home, I edit the pictures and burn them onto a CD for the new parents to enjoy. Recording these happy events feels like another way we can help advocate what God says about children—that they are a blessing from Him.

Our parents have encouraged us to recognize, appreciate, and cultivate the gifts God has given us. It’s been exciting to see what those unique gifts turn out to be. They are really a special feature designed by God as part of our unique makeup that prepares us for the special assignments He lays before us.

For instance, I really have a love for organizing things—and with a family the size of ours, God has given me lots of opportunities to put that skill to use. There’s just something very satisfying about turning a big mess of clothes, shoes, papers and files, boxes, toys, and just about anything else into an orderly system. (I’m always a bit surprised when other people don’t feel as excited as I do about being confronted with messy stacks, piles, and closets!)

Mom laughs when she tells about noticing that, as a child, I was always sorting our toys or rearranging things in the girls’ room so that “like things” were together and constantly trying to coax my siblings into being neater. When she thought about it, she realized that when she was pregnant with me, she and Daddy were in the process of moving our family from one house to another, and she read Emily Barnes’s books on organizing and, as she puts it, “became gung-ho about organizing everything.” Following Emily Barnes’s suggestions, Mama put things in boxes, recorded each box’s contents on an index card, numbered each box and card correspondingly, and developed a great system that she still uses today, all these years later.

Mama jokes that some of that clutter-busting creativity must’ve soaked into me as she was sorting and organizing because today, it’s my thing. For years now, Jinger and I have worked together to pack for the younger kids whenever we’re traveling; we’ve developed our own system, which has evolved over the years as the family has grown—and as individual family members have grown.

Joseph, Josiah, Jedidiah, and Jeremiah still appreciate it when we help them put together outfits and pack their clothes for them. We like to joke that we are their personal stylists! When they were little guys, we used to be able to fold all their shirts for one day and fit them in a single plastic grocery bag, with all their pants in another—it made it very easy each morning to grab just two bags and have everyone’s clothes for the day.

All of our trips take a lot of organizing! This trip out west took us to the spectacular Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Now that they’re older and no longer “little kids,” their larger-size clothes won’t fit in those bags, but the idea remains the same. We fold and stack a day’s worth of clothes for each of the kids and put them all into one large suitcase and label it just as we did when we used the plastic bag system, “Sunday, Monday, Tuesday . . .” Mornings on the road or in a hotel are simplified when we pack this way because all we need to do is grab one big suitcase, and all the kids have their preselected outfits for the day. On the packing side of things, it may take a little more effort at home before the trip to get everything preplanned and lined out like this, but in the long run, we save time and effort during the trip by not having to pull out fourteen different suitcases every morning.

In addition to being our younger brothers’ “personal stylists,” Jinger and I do hair, too. From the time we were young, Mom assumed the role of basic hair beautician, a skill she learned from her older sister, who did it professionally. With nineteen kids, this has saved our family thousands of dollars over the years, and since it’s something she has passed on to us kids, it has the potential to keep saving us thousands more.

Recently, I’ve enjoyed watching how-to videos and experimenting on the guys with different haircuts. They are good to sit there for half an hour, if they have to, while I try to perfect a new cut. I guess if I make a mistake it wouldn’t be too bad because a lot of them would prefer to have it all buzzed off anyway, but Jinger and I agree they should keep at least enough hair to style! And so far, they still listen to their “stylists.”

Something else I enjoyed trying my hand at was helping to organize my younger siblings’ daily schedule—from chores to schoolwork. Most of us have assisted Mom at one time or another with some one-on-one tutoring or grading papers, but some of us older Duggars find teaching to be our “thing,” and we enjoy it more than the others do. I enjoy it because I love reading and studying and encouraging others to branch out and learn new things as well. Helping with homeschool also taught me patience and creativity with the many different learning styles of my younger brothers and sisters.

Supervising the little ones’ homeschool work also opened another opportunity for me. About four years ago, when I was helping Jackson and Johannah with their phonics and beginner math lessons, there would usually be a one-hour period each day when they were finishing assignments in their workbooks, and I would try to be nearby to answer questions (and also to make sure they didn’t run off!). Our family loves music, and we all play classical piano and violin.

But occasionally one (or more) of us will branch out and try something new. That’s how Jana, Jill, and Jinger developed their harp-playing skills. It’s also how we expanded what we play so that now we enjoy traditional music as well as classical. That shift led our younger sister Joy-Anna to learn to play the violin “fiddle style.” John took up the mandolin, and that prompted me to pick up the guitar. During those school times when Jackson and Johannah were working on math problems, I would grab the guitar and look up YouTube videos on a laptop computer to learn the basic chords. And whenever guitar-playing guests visited our family, I would ask them to show me different chords and techniques. That’s one of the best ways to learn.

Music is another way our family ministers together. We are grateful for our music teachers (Ruth Anita Anderson and Mandy Query), who have spent many hours over the years teaching us to read notes and also to play by ear. But sometimes we still feel a little apprehensive when we’re asked to play somewhere, whether it’s for a church gathering, a program at the mall, a nursing home opportunity, a campaign appearance, or some other venue. But then we realize it’s not about promoting ourselves, because there are tons of other people who play better than us! Our goal in playing music together is to show family unity and ultimately point people back to the source of that: God.

There’s one other kind of training I’m working on now, and it’s something I’ve enjoyed but wouldn’t have thought of without my parents’ suggesting it. Knowing how I like to keep things neat and tidy, they suggested I consider taking a bookkeeping course, so I added another life skill to my “toolbox,” as Dad calls it. My brother Josiah also enrolled in the course because he loves math and numbers, and it’s been good training for us both. Since then, we’ve been able to get some hands-on practice by helping keep the books for our family’s commercial real estate business.

INTERACTING WITH THE WORLD—DUGGAR STYLE

IN THIS CHAPTER WE’VE shared how we cultivate new skills and use the talents and abilities God has given us to bless others. You can be sure He’s blessed you with many gifts, too. We pray that you’ll discover them, cherish them, and use them in ways that glorify Him wherever you go.

Here’s Jana playing the harp that was given to her by a friend, Nana Paula.

Before we move on, we’d like to share just a few other ideas our parents have instilled in us that help us show respect as we relate to the people around us—to strangers, new acquaintances, and old friends.

Respect and Courtesy

Our parents would be the first to say they did not come up with all these child-rearing principles on their own. Most of these ideas for how we Duggars relate to others come from practices Mom picked up while watching families she respected. Whenever she would meet a family with older or grown kids who turned out well—especially families whose kids didn’t go through a stage of rebellion—she would ask a lot of questions. She was never afraid to ask, and she’s always sincere in wanting to know because she understands that a child’s future depends largely on the foundations laid and principles taught to them when they were young.

Cultivating good manners is something that takes time and effort, probably more so on our parents’ part than even our own. The goals we are listing here are just that, goals. And we don’t have them down pat, but we’re working toward them, especially with our younger siblings. We are so grateful for the many families and individuals who have shared practical tips with our family, and have encouraged us and blessed our lives over the years. That’s what we hope to pass on to you by sharing these ideas.

For a moment, let’s jump back almost thirty years and discuss the early days and the “how” and “why” behind Mom and Dad’s decision to homeschool us kids. They had only been married for a few years when they first met a homeschooling family. Our parents were immediately struck by the good behavior the children demonstrated and by how well-rounded they were, easily interacting with adults as well as their peers.

It was then that they first began to contemplate the idea of one day homeschooling their own sons and daughters. Then they read the passage in Deuteronomy 6 that says it is the responsibility of parents to lead their children to love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength: “And these words, which I command thee shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” That passage solidified their decision to be the ones instructing their children, teaching them character and the ways of the Lord.

One of their main goals in homeschooling was to teach us respect: respect for God, respect for authorities, and respect for others’ possessions. Mom and Dad have made good manners a priority in our family because this is one of the greatest ways to show respect for others.

Whether we’re at one of our favorite spots in Branson, Missouri, or greeting a visitor at our home, we all practice being “enthusiastic.”

Mom thoughtfully uses positive reinforcement to teach good manners. One thing she has practiced with all of us children at one time or another has been the “Yes, ma’am/Yes, sir” chart, which she posts on the kitchen wall. Mom taught us that we should respond with “Yes, ma’am” when she asks us to do something so that she knows we understand her and so there is no guessing as to whether we heard what she said. This is also a way to remind the younger children not to use “Uh-huh” or “Yeah.” Each time they address an adult properly, they get a check mark. Once they get to a certain number of check marks, they earn a special reward.

Mom also addressed the issue of “I want . . .” or “I never got . . .” and began giving check marks for asking, “May I please . . . ?”

Gratefulness is one of the most important character qualities a parent can instill in the lives of their children, and it is vital to do it while they are young. Mom taught us the power behind the two simple words thank you. I (Jessa) remember us going to a family’s house for supper one evening when I was eight years old, and before we piled out of the van, Mom reminded us kids, “I want every one of you individually to tell Mr. and Mrs. Bell, ‘Thank you for having us in your home this evening,’ or ‘Thank you for supper. It was delicious!’ ” She went on to say, “When we get back in the car to leave, I hope each one of you will have expressed gratefulness to their family.”

Those who said “Thank you” were able to put a check mark on their manners chart when we got home.

Several years ago we added “my pleasure” to the manners chart after we read the book How Did You Do It, Truett? by S. Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A. In it, Mr. Cathy tells how he studied the methods of five-star hotels and found that workers are required to say “My pleasure” instead of “You’re welcome” when being thanked for something. In essence, one is saying, “Thank you for giving me the pleasure of serving you,” and not, “Yes, it was such a sacrifice on my part. You’re welcome.”

He found a direct link between business success and employees learning to treat costumers with the utmost courtesy and respect, and that was one of the principles he adopted for all Chick-fil-A workers.

An Enthusiastic Greeting

Years ago at the Advanced Training Institute family conference we attend every year, our parents heard a testimony about the benefits of learning how to give an enthusiastic, friendly greeting to others. When we returned home from the conference, Mom lined us up from oldest to youngest and she explained the importance of each one of us developing these new communication skills.

This greeting rehearsal occurred when Joy-Anna (now sixteen) was the youngest in the family. She was barely able to understand what was going on, but Mom had all of us practice our “enthusiastic greetings.”

“Okay, I’ll go down the line, and everybody is going to give it a try,” Mom told us. “I’ll pretend I’m someone you’re meeting for the first time. You need to have a big smile on your face, and when that person comes up to you, stick your hand out, give a firm handshake, say, ‘Hello,’ and then say your name and ‘It’s very nice to meet you.’ ” Josh, the oldest, went first. Then Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, and finally Joy-Anna. When it was Joy-Anna’s turn, she confidently stepped up and in rapid-fire robotic words said, “HellomynameisJoyAnnait’sverynicetomeetyou.” The words ran together and had us all chuckling. Mom gave the little girl credit for trying and encouraged her to slow down next time. Way down. And enunciate carefully and give a firm handshake.

Back to the top again with Josh. Again, the process went smoothly, and child after child came to the front of the line and followed the instructions perfectly. Then Joy-Anna stepped up. As though stuck in slow motion, she began, “Helllloooo. My . . . name . . . is . . .” Before she could finish, the room burst out in laughter, Joy included. When you’re a toddler, it’s hard to get things just right.

Greeting people doesn’t come naturally to most little kids, especially when they’re greeting someone they don’t know. Especially adults they don’t know. Their natural tendency is to turn away, and many parents understandably explain, “He’s shy.”

Mom has not allowed us to get away with that—although we all tried it at some point. In every case, Mom and Dad made it crystal clear that turning away is unacceptable when we’re greeting someone, even if we’re uncomfortable facing the person. Most of us only tried not responding once.

Our parents understand that there are different personality types—that some of us like to talk more and others less. They’re not trying to conform us all to the same mold. But they encourage each of us individually to look beyond ourselves and think about others. Instead of thinking about our own comfort, we’re encouraged to look for ways to make the other person feel more comfortable and relaxed.

Dad always reminds us, “Even if you stereotype yourself as an ‘introvert’ or if you just don’t feel like saying anything, others may take that as rejection or assume you’re a snob with a I’m too good to talk to you kind of attitude. And that can make people feel uncomfortable around you.” Scripture says even a child is known by his actions. When a child is taught to greet others, to communicate, and to be mature, these skills automatically give them an open door to be more effective to build friendships and to encourage others spiritually.

Our parents have challenged us Duggars, whenever we’re in a safe, social situation where our parents or older siblings are nearby, to look for the loneliest person in a room and go over and start up a conversation. This takes getting out of our comfort zone, but it is truly treating other people the way you would like to be treated. It’s another thing that’s a bit challenging to learn, and we’re not saying it happens every time we’re in a gathering where one person is sitting or standing alone, but it’s something we try to remember to do.

We were also taught, when meeting people, to ask them questions about themselves. When we began doing that, we realized it’s much easier to carry on conversations by purposely not asking a lot of questions that can be answered with a single word: “Yes,” “No,” “Fine.” We practiced asking questions such as, “Have you lived here long?” “What town/area do you live in?” or, if it’s a younger kid, “Where do you go to school?” or “Are you involved in any sports or do you play any musical instruments?” or “Do you attend a local church?”

Over the years we’ve built up a mental list of acceptable questions to ask to avoid that awkward silence that can result when people are getting acquainted. Of course, all of us have moments when we’re tongue-tied and can’t think of a thing to say, but when that happens, we know we can shoot up a little flare-prayer and God is always able to give us the words to say.

Since we were homeschooled and didn’t have age-segregated classrooms, we’ve had good training grounds for learning to interact with all age groups. For the most part, we’ve all been pretty comfortable at a fairly early age carrying on conversations with adults. We love visiting with senior citizens and asking them questions about their family and their past work and life experiences. Dad has also instructed us on how, as young people, we should rise to our feet when shaking hands with an adult and always be looking for opportunities to open doors or give up our chair for our elders.

Mom also taught us telephone-answering skills when we were younger, and we practiced saying, “Hello, this is the Duggar residence, Jana speaking. How may I help you?” But now, because of the unique calls we get from all over the world, the house rule is that younger kids don’t answer the phone.

Mom has said that acceptance is the sweetest language from one soul to another and that rejection is the most bitter. We have seen by her example that when you have a cheerful countenance and give an enthusiastic, friendly greeting to others over the phone or in person, the other persons feel God’s love flowing through you to them in a special way. By investing in others’ lives you quickly realize that the more you give of yourself, the more joy you receive! (Of course, our parents have cautioned us not to be too overly friendly with people of the opposite gender, as that can send the wrong kind of message!)

Duggar Family Hospitality

And now, on to one of our favorite topics: hospitality! Growing up, one of the biggest ways we practice putting communication skills and manners into action is when we welcome guests into our home for fellowship and a meal. Our house can require quite a bit of effort to get all cleaned up and organized beforehand, but we find that it’s well worth it. I think we would all agree that some of our most wonderful memories are from those evenings when we’ve had other families in our home.

The Duggars can make a mess in a hurry, but when we all pitch in, we can clean up a place in no time flat. We divide up tasks, and everyone gets involved, from oldest to youngest. Some help prepare the meal while others clean up the house and yard. Having company is a good incentive to get organized, but Mom says if we waited until the house was spotless before we invited guests, we’d never have anyone over! If we don’t have time to get everything done, we’ll just focus on straightening up the downstairs and keep the upstairs-disaster-zone off-limits for the evening. But that’s okay. We love the saying, “If you want to see us, stop by anytime. If you want to see the house, give us two weeks’ notice!”

Another Duggar family tradition is that when we line up to fill our plates at mealtime, we let all guests go first, followed by the ladies in our family. The younger boys quite naturally want to zip to the front of the serving line. One day one of the boys, eager to chow down, came up with what seemed like a great idea to him (we will not mention his name, but it starts with the letter J). He simply filled his plate ahead of time while everyone else was lining up. Then he set it aside as he waited for the others to slowly make their way down the line. He was thinking he wouldn’t have to risk being the last one in line, and as soon as the girls had their plates, he’d be all set to dig in. Jill explained to him that his idea was innovative but still impolite.

After sharing a meal together with guests, we usually have a time to play games together (chess, basketball, volleyball, foursquare, or the boys’ favorite: football). Then, after most of the kids have run out their energy, Dad will usually call everyone to gather in the living room for Bible time and an opportunity to share testimonies and fellowship.

We always enjoy hearing salvation testimonies—how a person came to know the Lord and trust Him as Savior—and if we have a couple in our home, we almost always ask them to share how they met. Whether we are meeting new friends or spending time with old acquaintances, we continue to make such fond and wonderful memories together through these interactions.

From the time our parents were newly married and throughout our growing-up years, Mom and Dad have always gone out of their way to invest in others’ lives. It seems like almost every week they are asked to counsel couples or to talk to a young person who is having some struggles. We all consider our home a ministry center that God has given us to use as a place where we can encourage others spiritually and enjoy special times of fellowship. We encourage other families to do the same, inviting a family to come for dinner and then direct the conversations to spiritual topics.

Pictured here (a few years ago) are Jill and Joy-Anna as they help prepare a meal in the kitchen.

Many times our parents have guests over and then ask if it would be okay if we watch one of Jim Sammons’s Financial Freedom Seminar messages together from embassyinstitute.org and then discuss it afterward. Once they watch one message, most people want to go through the whole series. Mom and Dad have used this to disciple others, and we all have seen many people grow in the Lord through this.

God desires for each person to experience a dynamic and abundant life. If we will ask Him to forgive us for the things we have done wrong and turn over the control of our lives to Him, He promises to freely give us eternal life! (Read John 3:16, 10:10, Romans 5:8, Ephesians 2:8,9.) The way you find true meaning in life is by discovering God’s purpose in creating you. He wants to be your best friend, to put peace in your heart, and to lead you through life’s journey.

THANK YOU FOR STICKING with us through this super-long chapter and letting us share some of the ideas involved in relating to the world while “growing up Duggar.” We love sharing Jesus’s love with others, along with the principles that have helped us in our own lives. Mom and Dad have modeled for us how to interact with others respectfully, how to share an enthusiastic greeting with all we meet, and the blessings of extending hospitality to people from all walks of life.

We know we’ve shared a lot of concepts about relationships, but it is our prayer that God will direct and encourage you as you begin to make them part of your own lives.