Lexicon of the LAS (or what “punter” means)

999—The number you dial to get the ambulance. Equivalent to the American 911 or European 112.

A&E—“Accident and Emergency,” also known as “Casualty” or “ER—Emergency Room.” Where we take our patients in an effort to make them feel better.

Alkie—An alcoholic.

Amber Call—In contrast with a “Cat A” these are the less serious calls. Stuff like simple accidents, broken legs, epileptic fits.

“Ambo,” “Big White Taxi,” “Motor,” “Truck,” “Drunkmobile,” “Barely working shitheap”—Ambulance.

Bent—Wrong, illegal, corrupt, or a derogatory term for a homosexual. Used as…“That car radio is bent,” “That bloke is bent,” or “All the police are bent.” Also used as “running back bent” meaning going for food/back to station without letting Control know about it.

Bloke, Fella—Male person.

CAC—Central Ambulance Control, full of people who actually take the 999 calls, and others who dispatch us to the jobs. They have air-conditioning and don’t actually smell the patients that they send us to. Recently renamed to EOC (Emergency Operations Centre).

CAD Number—Computer Aided Dispatch. Each job has its own number refreshed each day, because of this I can tell you that the LAS goes to more than 3,500 calls every day.

Cat A—A high-priority emergency call. This is the priority that cardiac arrests get, along with chest pains, difficulty in breathing, and the like. These are timed with ORCON, which I often rant about…

Chav—Like a scrote, only with more money.

CPN—Community Psychiatric Nurse, an often useless person who visits people with mental health problems in the community. See previous posts for more information.

ECG (EKG)—An examination of the heart using electrical impulses generated by the heart. If you are in an ambulance and the crew start to look worried at the printout you may be in trouble.

EMT—Emergency Medical Technician.

EC/NE/NW/SE/SW/C—The sectors of the London Ambulance Service; East Central, North East, North West, etc….

GBH—Grievous Bodily Harm, an assault that breaks a bone or other serious injury. Someone who is going to bleed over the back of your motor.

GP—Family health provider. We only get to see the crap ones who sit patients having heart attacks out in their waiting room and don’t even give them an aspirin.

Green Call—Lowest priority: cut fingers, coughs, and runny noses. Often mistaken with Cat As because people who call ambulances for a cough often complain of chest pain and difficulty in breathing.

HEMS—Helicopter Emergency Medical Service, in London the medical helicopter that flies out of the Royal London hospital. Staffed with a doctor and a paramedic they fly out to serious cases. Funded by charity and corporate sponsorship.

IVDU—Someone who injects illegal drugs intravenously, mainly a heroin addict.

LAS—London Ambulance Service, the company I work for, also called “Da Firm” by those of us on the ground floor. Run by “Da Boss” Peter Bradley, who is generally well liked by us grunts; he is considered a hell of a lot better than his predecessors.

LOL—Not, as Internet people will tell you, “Laugh Out Loud,” but “Little Old Lady”; a group of patients who spend half their time throwing themselves on the floor, breaking their bones, and having urine infections.

Matern-a-taxi—What an ambulance turns into when transporting a near-term pregnancy who is having contractions every “2 minutes” yet you don’t see anything approaching a contraction during the 30-minute journey.

MDT—Mobile Display Terminal; the computer screen installed in the ambulance that, running Windows in between crashing, gives us the details of jobs.

Native—In East London a person from an ethnic minority, mainly because there are more ethnic minorities than “white British.” This isn’t actually an insult, more a running joke.

NHS—The National Health Service, the “free at point of access” healthcare system of Britain. Paid for by taxes, it is on the point of collapse. Split into a number of “trusts” which include hospitals, GPs, and ambulance services.

NHS Direct—Another telephone advice service, staffed by nurses: they will tell you to call an ambulance for having a cold. Ring 0845 46 47 for 24-hour advice. Often disparagingly called “NHS Re-Direct.”

Plod, Boys in Blue, Old Bill, Fuzz, Coppers—The police; a bunch of folks we tend to get on well with, especially if they let us off speeding when they find out who we work for.

Popper—Someone who injects drugs subcutaneously; a handful died in Glasgow a little while ago from an infected source, leading to much merriment for the local ambo crews.

Punter—A patient (or “client” if you want to sound like a twit); from a slang term used by secondhand car salesman, actually meaning a gambler, or one who is about to make a gamble (so, therefore, a stunningly accurate description of our patients).

Purple, Purple Plus—A dead body, the “plus” indicates a body that has been dead for some time; often recognizable when you walk in the front door and are hit by the smell.

RTA—Road Traffic Accident, the British version of a MVA. Now called a “Road Traffic Collision” in an attempt to stop lawyers getting their clients off the hook by telling the court that the police have already called it an “accident.”

Scrote—An often alcoholic person with more tattoos than teeth, bad hygiene, and a poor attitude towards employment. Scrote is also short for scrotum.

TAS—Telephone Advice Service; when someone calls for an ambulance for some minor crap they may sometimes be diverted to the TAS desk at CAC for advice, this saves us going to about 200 calls a day across London.

Tramp Juice—Super strength lager or cider, sold cheap. Examples include “White Lightning” and “Tennents Super,” empty cans of which, when found in the street, signify the less salubrious parts of town.

VF/VT/Asystole/PEA—The beating of the heart is normally “sinus rhythm” VF/VT/asystole/PEA are the names of heart rhythms that are ultimately fatal. VF (ventricular fibrillation) and VT (ventricular tachycardia) we can “shock” with a defibrillator to try and restore a normal heartbeat, asystole and PEA (pulseless electrical activity) can’t be shocked.

Wanker—Technically, someone who masturbates. In reality, a fairly mild insult.

Watersquirters, LFB, Mobile Drip Stands, Trumpton—The fire service; a bunch of part-timers who get to sleep all night as there are very few fires in London and no one cares if cats get stuck in trees during the night. Unlike in the USA, we are two very separate services.

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