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Self-Control

The Power of What We Don’t Do

During the 2016 US election, my children arrived in the US for our home assignment. They watched the silently scrolling news headlines, and the kids’ questions scrolled just as rapidly. America had begun choosing sides as if the entire country were getting a divorce (snatching what was theirs, shouting at each other in ALL CAPS with a lot of colorful @#$% thrown in). My kids’ tension was palpable.

Outrage culture was gunning its engine, becoming just that: culture. It’s a way of responding to one another that cultivates pride in offense (#notsorry), virtue in untethered fury and unmitigated consequence. It’s not just anger. It’s “be yourself”—the idea that our unfiltered selves are the true and best versions. Or that some thoughts shouldn’t be kept private.

What if our anger and emotional, just-being-myself overresponses don’t catalyze more of what’s right but more of what’s wrong? One lawyer warns, “Productive discourse is dying, trampled over by closed minds who value comfortable opinion-holding over uncomfortable soul-searching.”¹

Consider German propaganda leading up to World War II. It offered a single commentary or perspective on news. Then it exaggerated a particular op-ed angle until it wasn’t truly news. A bigger nose here, a sweeping statement here. An “enemy” people group extinguished there.

Why Outrage Is the New Black

To its credit, outrage culture—and a general lack of impulse control—gives voice to anyone. You could be a 23-year-old snuggled up to an Xbox in your parents’ basement. You could be wearing an orange jumpsuit. You could be an evangelical Christian mom in yoga pants. And you could be a megaphone-brandishing agent of change.

It’s why our kids could be sucked into loss of control. Outrage, in particular, grants an illusory feeling of strength and influence—especially in the midst of fear. And Americans are afraid.

As a mom slowly introducing three teenagers to the hurricane of social media, I understand the pull of outrage culture. My kids feel debilitated and concerned amid light-speed cultural changes. Celebs and role models are fearful and furious, blurting whatever comes to mind, even when they’re not angry. Why not my kids?

God did create anger as a jetpack for change. Anger activates, propelling us to do something. Picture Jesus’s anger in the temple or toward the Pharisees, bullies of God’s people. But God also gave fair warnings. Psalm 37:8 (ESV) cautions, “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.” And James reminds us that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20 ESV).

Take it from someone living in Colorado’s snow-frosted mountains: Anger is like fire. Without it, humans die. Without fire, food stays raw, winter homes freeze, historical humanity wanders in darkness among the world’s dangers.

But when out of control, fire incinerates entire homes, national forests and ecosystems, and cities—waging death.

Permanent Truth

Self-control is about…

• treating our emotions with value, watching our “dashboard lights” so we can respond to them (see Proverbs 4:23 and 1 Peter 5:8).

• helping kids, who aren’t born with self-discipline, to understand what limits look like and to build their self-control “muscle,” managing emotion rather than letting it drive your parenting.²

• deescalating before taking action, during the action itself, and within its consequences.

S’more Marshmallows, Please (Now)

Self-control is about more than anger, though I cherry-picked anger because it’s everywhere—and kids have a strong justice bent.

Maybe you’ve heard of the 1972 Stanford marshmallow experiment. An experimenter left each child alone in a room with a marshmallow. If the kid could wait 15 minutes before eating the marshmallow, another marshmallow was plopped into their hands. The researchers studied delayed gratification.³ (You can totally try this experiment with your kids.)

As scientists followed the kids through their lives, they found that the kids who could handle delayed gratification—the marshmallow-waiters—tended toward better SAT scores, higher success in school, and lower body mass index.⁴

Full disclosure: When the experiment was repeated later, the effects seemed less pronounced, and the differentiation in results was suggested to be linked more to economic status than sheer willpower.⁵ Impoverished kids, for example, may not know when another meal or reward will come their way, or when their environment will deliver on its promise. In light of this, it’s key to create homes that consistently offer positive outcomes for self-control—so kids can count on good consequences for waiting.

Though some kids may have more natural self-control, in every child, it’s a muscle that’s grown and nurtured. To quote the revered Fred Rogers: “I think of discipline as the continuous everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline.”⁶

Self-control determines our children’s success in nearly every wakeful hour of life: taking turns, waiting in line, or deciding not to interrupt or to spout off after criticism. When they’re stopped by police. When they’re choosing whether to sleep with someone. When something at the 7-Eleven is just the right size to stuff into a jacket pocket. When they’re flirting with an addictive substance, wanting to get married, or handed a grade that doesn’t feel fair.

Little kids who can’t control themselves by self-regulating often make less progress in school.⁷ As they grow, the same kids can be more prone to depression, anxiety, and aggression.⁸ In the long run, kids lacking self-regulation show inclinations toward criminal behavior, health issues like substance addiction or obesity, and financial struggles⁹—no great surprise, right?

Self-control involves how we control our emotional impulses in general. It’s how we behave when someone acts awkwardly or rudely around us—choosing graciousness even in body language or in how we talk about that person when we get home. It’s how we respond to things going wrong, or even stuff going right (like my son trumpeting his accomplishments after winning his footrace…sigh).

As a parent, I’ve too often used the anger equivalent of a grenade when a BB would do. Being slow to anger is part of God’s glory (Exodus 34:5-6). And overlooking an offense is a person’s glory (Proverbs 19:11). Will our kids see us return a blessing—in the form of gentle words or a cup of tea steaming in their hands—for an insult?

God modeled conflict management for us while we were his enemies. Acknowledging the fullness of our offense, he set aside his wrath to bring us close. And then he patiently awaited change.

Help your kids listen to their hearts. They need to feel that you’ll listen to them, and then, with the help of the Holy Spirit’s voice, they’ll preach to themselves.

Keep pursuing a relationship with your kids in any of these ideas, providing a bedrock of relational security. They don’t need to spew like little volcanoes for the nurture they crave.

Teach your kids what’s better than a warrior.

Set up one of my son’s favorite games. You’ll need plastic army men and some rubber bands. Set up a few army men on either end of a table (the floor works too). Take turns shooting rubber bands to pick off each other’s army men. The last one standing is victorious. Talk about what’s better than being strong or powerful or strategic: “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

Define three areas you can affect.

If you’re troubleshooting a self-control issue, I find it helpful to define three areas you can affect. Psychologist Peg Dawson explains what behavior management experts call the ABC model: “A in this model stands for antecedent, B for behavior, and C for consequences. The idea is that there are three opportunities to take measures to elicit or change the behavior as desired: by changing what comes before it (the external factors, or environment), by aiming directly at the behavior itself (through teaching) and by imposing consequences (incentives or penalties).”¹⁰ Because most of this chapter addresses behavior and consequences, here are a few ideas to avoid antecedents and lead our kids not into temptation:

•Set snacks, video games, or toys that sibs fight over in a place where kids won’t constantly see them.

•Avoid the toy and snack aisles at the store when kids are hungry or tired.

•Turn off the TV during homework.

•Create temporary space between sibs fighting—like a couple of Rock ’Em Sock ’Ems.

•Set healthier snacks at eye level.

•Talk to kids about age-appropriate temptations you avoid.

Plan for self-control triggers.

The idea is not to avoid building that self-regulation muscle, but to set up our kids for success, creating calm times as the norm rather than the exception.¹¹ Snow days, for example, seemed to create weirdness in our house. Kids squabbled and pushed screen-time limits. I strained to accomplish work for clients from home and yet manage every flare-up. John and I needed a snow-day huddle.

What are habitual problem areas where the emotional temperature in your house rises? Maybe it’s getting out the door in the morning, Sunday morning before church, bedtime, the homework hour, or the dinner hour with toddlers. Pick one. Isolate the key stressors. Does packing lunches, making breakfast, and helping search for that single lost shoe again create the perfect morning storm?

In response, create strategic organization. Do some research, and take time to pray. This is where Pinterest or Google can step in with help from parents who have somehow managed to slay the insanity. Do you need to plan 15 extra minutes of margin before leaving? Can kids lay out clothes the night before? Do you need a one-dish plan for simpler meals?

To keep young kids occupied while you make dinner, maybe provide some water play in the kitchen sink while you chop veggies. Or allow the kids a half hour of screen time while you prep.

Deescalate.

Imagine your child skins a knee and begins a meltdown. You could say, “I know! It hurts so badly!”—actually escalating the atmosphere and cementing your child’s fear. Or you could deescalate. Hold your child calmly and restore stability and peace, whispering softly in his or her ear. Though you may want to and should share your kids’ burdens, extra emotion can heighten their emotions. Try to remain calm.

Remind kids what behavior you expect.

Before you enter an environment, remind kids what behavior you expect: “Okay, guys, we’re almost to the store. I expect you to…” Studies with three-year-olds show they’re more likely to exhibit impulse control if they’re reminded of the instructions before the task.¹² If it’s a tough environment, you could promise (and follow through on) a small reward.

Control your own emotions.

Kids watch to see how we handle the big feels. How we respond when stressed out. How they’re allowed to respond to a sibling tossing out insults like candy at a parade. How they’re permitted to speak to us in moments of passion. Talk to your kids about your choice to control your own emotions: “I feel angry with you right now. But I’m going to take a break, and we’ll revisit this.” And make sure you do circle back rather than avoiding or denying the conflict.

Make sure your kids get exercise.

As one researcher puts it, “Regular physical activity…improves concentration and motivation, decreases hyperactivity and impulsivity, and improves memory.”¹³ As a young mom, when I’d tell my husband the kids had a disobedient, rowdy day, he’d ask if I’d taken them to the playground. Now we have a history of literally making our kids run laps around the outside of the house or even doing push-ups or planks as discipline when they lack self-control.

Help your kids get the sleep they need.

When I haven’t gotten enough sleep or feel stressed out, my kids don’t get a version of me that expresses Jesus and his kindness. God has tethered our bodies to our minds and hearts. During these periods, my frontal lobe, which regulates my impulse control, maxes out in about 4.3 seconds. And so it goes with kids. If your four-year-old lies down in the middle of the housewares aisle for a three-alarm tantrum (like anyone’s kid would do that), discipline is needed. But we discipline differently for childish or vulnerable (including hungry or tired) behavior than for outright rebellion.

Keep a list of actions and consequences.

I once read parenting advice to keep a list of actions and their consequences on the inside of a cupboard door.

What I like: This approach distances us from parenting emotionally and prevents our handing out explosive consequences like grenades—and poorly modeling self-control. It ideally creates unity and consistency between you and your spouse: This is what we do when our child swipes something from a sibling or has a mouth like a sailor.

What I’m wary of: This approach can view kids’ actions as static, setting aside the fact that we kept them out shopping too long, or they were harassed by the popular kid at school today, or they slept horribly the night before. Obviously, there can always be some excuse of why a child disobeyed (aside from, you know, their sinful nature). But if we take an entire situation into consideration and choose to tweak the consequence, we aren’t excusing actions or failing to discipline, but are parenting with understanding and wisdom of the whole picture—like Jesus refraining from condemning the woman caught in adultery. Keep the posted list of consequences so kids know they’re receiving mercy and not just inconsistency.

Control your own anger.

And speaking of actions and consequences, get control over your own anger. I didn’t know I had an anger problem until I had kids. Paul David Tripp speaks of how our anger can often be about our kingdom and what we want, rather than God’s kingdom.¹⁴ All too often, I’ve incinerated my kids and their little hearts. (Know that terrible look your kids get in their eyes when your anger possesses you?)

Our anger rarely brings about God’s righteousness (James 1:19). So in requiring kids’ obedience, we forgo our selfish motivations—our convenience, control, power, or way. Instead, we seek God’s honor and commands in our home.¹⁵ Consider questions like these:

•What is the log in my eye (Matthew 7:5)?

•What is precious to me that’s being trampled on right now?

•Am I angry for my kingdom or God’s?

•Do I need to step away to get control? What could be gained if I take a minute to get out of the reactive, instinctual portion of my brain?

•What emotion is beneath my anger? (Fear? Insecurity?)

•Will my talk be corrupting, or will it build up and give grace at the appropriate time (Ephesians 4:29)?

•Am I internalizing how much I’ve been forgiven?

When we’re secure in who God says we are, we’re much less likely to pop off because someone wounds our sense of pride. We establish this sense of identity for our kids long before they’re scrolling through Twitter’s daily bashings. Remember the words of 1 Peter 3:9 (ESV): “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”

Legitimize your kids’ feelings.

Emotions aren’t sinful in and of themselves. But we still have to deal with them in healthy ways. Legitimize your kids’ feelings, but teach them proper ways to handle them:

•“It’s okay to feel angry. But treating me with disrespect is not.”

•“I know you feel hurt after what happened at school! But moping around and punishing your family isn’t loving to us. How can we turn this around and get control, rather than this controlling you (and all of us)?”

•“I hear that you’re ticked. I think I can see why. What about this is most frustrating? How can you deal with that concern and still show love and respect?”

Help your child to take deep breaths, get away to settle that riled part of his brain, get some exercise, listen to music, or implement other personal coping mechanisms to defuse high emotion and deal with the core issue rather than just the inflammation. (To be clear: Denial or glossing over isn’t the goal.) Be sure to return to any outstanding issues.

Don’t let them win Candy Land.

Allowing your kids to constantly win doesn’t build that muscle of self-control. Take care when you find yourself placating (“Here’s a balloon! A lollipop!”) or avoiding a character-building issue or situation (like losing a board game)—not because there’s a better time or place, but because you don’t possess the courage to address your child’s emotion.

Similarly, you might be tempted to purchase just one thing from the dollar aisle if they behave. Think carefully about rewarding behavior that isn’t a particularly weak spot for your child. After all, having self-control is one way you expect your child to behave. That said, occasional rewards are still a good thing for that child who steadily shows good behavior.

Set boundaries.

Do not give in to manipulation, angry demands, or whining. Giving in reinforces your kids’ bad behavior, like giving a bad dog a bone. Instead, tell kids to ask for what they want and to respect your answer.

These boundaries don’t communicate a child isn’t worthy of connection unless they have their act together. But they do show that certain behavior creates disconnection between us; whining isn’t how we healthily draw responses from people. So you won’t reward and further that behavior. (Adoptive parents may need to explore what’s healthy for children struggling with attachment.)

Give kids a sample script.

Younger kids need help turning whining into a question, so give them a sample script: “I’m sorry, I will not give you milk if you whine. You could say, ‘May I please have milk?’” I also follow a tip I learned from my aunt: I tried not to pick up my children until they quit whining (which is different from crying). Otherwise, I might teach them they can get picked up if they whine. Refusing to give in to whining reinforces self-control and self-soothing. Think of a lion cub: They’re much easier to train when they’re smaller.

Make them wait.

As kids get older, make them wait, say, two minutes (set a visible timer) before they can come back and ask appropriately. Then, offer kids a “do over.” Allow them to respectfully rephrase their request.

Teach your kids to respond with respect.

When asking kids to do something, consider first asking them to respond with, “Yes, Mom” or “Yes, Dad.” Then they can respectfully present their point of view if they disagree. One of my repeated famous lines: “My name is not But Mom.”

Try the lemonade experiment.

I’m personally convicted by Amy Carmichael’s admonition: “A cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.”¹⁶ Read Matthew 12:34—“The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Help your kids see this visually with a cup of lemonade (or whatever sweet drink they like) sitting on a plate—right next to a cup of vinegar on its own plate. Ask them what will happen if you bump each plate. What will come out of the cup? If you bump the lemonade cup, can vinegar come out? Help them understand that when life bumps us around and we’re stressed, what comes out of our mouths (point to the mouth of the cup) comes from our hearts—the sweet (or not-so-sweet) place where self-control starts.

Make a yell jar.

John recently told the kids he’d lead our family by placing five dollars in our new “yell jar” if he raised his voice. “But,” he stipulated, “you’d better start practicing, because as soon as I’m doing well with it, you guys are next.”

Read Ephesians 4:29 together.

This verse commands, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Even when kids are angry, ask if their words are building up and not corrupting or tearing down. Be sure to include what else is holistically going on in the person’s life. Perhaps grace needs to be given. For a printable poster of this rule, visit janelbreitenstein.com/permanentmarkers/selfcontrol.

Shut off the Xbox.

One study shows a correlation in teens between violent video games and a heightened likelihood of cheating and aggression along with a decreased level of self-control.¹⁷ Other studies indicate that over two hours of daily screen time leads to greater depression and aggression in kids—and less of an ability to recognize facial expressions (which could lead to decreased empathy).¹⁸

Instill consistent consequences for emotional outbursts.

For a while, we had a “three strike” rule: Every overreaction was a strike; every three strikes meant half an hour earlier to bed. They also lost screen time for outbursts. I now have my kids hold a plank position or do ten push-ups. The idea: Create a mental marker for them to identify overreaction, as well as negative consequences. (My family is going to be ripped.)

Give grace.

Extend graciousness in a hard season, like baking a teen’s favorite cookies when stuff with her friends feels dismal or simply responding quietly to her emotional eruption. Pray actively for discernment to know when to lighten up—and still not let her walk over the family in her angst.

•Dr. Josh Straub and his wife Christy’s book What Am I Feeling? helps smaller kids take that first step of identifying emotions so they can begin to manage them. The book comes with a feelings chart for smaller kids.

•Dr. Straub’s book for parents, Safe House: How Emotional Safety Is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well empowers you to address kid drama without squashing emotions.

•Consider purchasing a feelings poster or printing out Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotion (also mentioned in the prayer chapter, and available free online) for older kids. When kids begin to implode, help them identify, then problem-solve.

•Anger- and anxiety-management workbooks for children, like Andrew Hill and Samantha Snowden’s Anger Management Workbook for Kids: 50 Fun Activities to Help Children Stay Calm and Make Better Choices When They Feel Mad can provide great questions to talk through anger with kids. I personally like Dr. Lisa Schab’s The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry.

•At https://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-self-control.html, Gwen Dewar, PhD, recommends a number of games and research-proven techniques to help young children develop self-regulation. But as you utilize secular resources, don’t forget the Bible’s perspectives on anger—that these emotions come from our hearts, which need to be redeemed. Don’t get distracted by only creating good coping mechanisms (that is, good behavior) without addressing issues at the heart of rage and fear.

•The Young Peacemaker by Corlette Sande has tremendous strategies my family uses daily for conflict management. It has revolutionized our home.

•Sometimes we feel things so strongly! But what we feel doesn’t always have to be shown on the outside. How do we know what we should show and how much we should show? I know sometimes we feel out of control. For me, it sometimes happens when ____. When does this happen for you? (Tips for guiding kids’ answers: First, we figure out what we’re feeling. Feelings aren’t usually “bad” or “good”; they tell us what’s going on in our hearts. So we can feel scared or sad or angry, and those are all okay. Then we have to decide how we will act and communicate what we are feeling in a way that’s still loving toward other people.)

•Let’s talk together about things we can do when we feel angry or hurt or afraid—when we feel out of control. (Parent tip: My son with ADHD and I compiled these on an index card, which I dolled up with fighter jet graphics, then laminated for him to keep in his pocket. Our strategies included taking deep breaths, finding a place to be alone, asking nicely for what he needs, and finding five things to be thankful for. For preliterate kids, use small drawings to help them remember self-control strategies. Post them inside a cabinet or somewhere else where they can be easily referenced. When your child starts to lose it, ask, “Okay—what can you choose?”)

•Under what circumstances are your kids (and you) most likely to lack self-control?

•How does a lack of self-control typically manifest itself in each of your kids?

•If you’re having a hard time not giving in to your kids’ wheedling or arguing, consider what this behavior might look like, if unchecked, when they’re a teenager—or with a boss or a future spouse.

•How did the family in your home of origin deal with strong emotions? How has this influenced how you deal with feelings?

•What about your coping methods is healthy and “Godward”? What isn’t?

•As you consider those situations where self-control is in short supply, what soul hole likely lies beneath that lack of self-control? Could it be fear or anxiety? A desire for approval, power, or security?

•What’s one unhealthy emotional response pattern of your own that you can target?

Prayer of the Dependent Parent

Lord, you know well my issues of self-regulation and impulse control—or even what’s beneath my areas of hypercontrol. So much in my home and in our culture works against my kids being controlled by your Holy Spirit. It’s certainly not my family’s natural bent.

Sometimes I want their self-control more to prevent my embarrassment or failure or to preserve my sense of success as a parent. It becomes more about me than you.

Please be the sovereign Savior of my kids. Show me opportunities to build the mastery of their spirits. I know sin crouches at their door and wants to master them instead (Genesis 4:7).

Help me hit that sweet spot with each of my kids’ temperaments—of shaping self-discipline without crushing their spirits or causing them to rebel further, of releasing them into responsibility and consequences for their choices, yet not plunging them into situations they can’t handle. Free them from the handcuffs of their own immature freedom into the real freedom of obeying you (Romans 6:16).

I need your generous wisdom (James 1:5); I need your control of my spirit. And I need trust as I wait for all these to develop, especially when my kids feel out of control. Thank you for caring for the souls of my family.