I don’t want to regret having married him but sometimes I do. I don’t want to erase the last fifteen years, but I don’t want to remember them now either. I don’t want to remember things I thought were good and wonder if they weren’t so good. I don’t want to mention his name in casual conversation, but if I don’t, then I have to heavily revise fifteen years’ worth of stories, I have to make we into I and I think we all know how much I like we. I don’t want to hate someone I loved but sometimes I do. I don’t want to put my trust in someone new but I don’t want to not trust someone new because one specific person broke my trust. I don’t want to wonder if my marriage was good but now I do. I don’t want to wonder if I was a terrible wife but now I do. I don’t want to wonder who my husband is now but I do. I don’t want to wonder if I never knew who my husband was, if he never knew me. I don’t want to look at his Instagram photos, but sometimes I do. I don’t want to construe stories about what photos of art or windows or inanimate objects mean in terms of our relationship, past, present, or future, but sometimes I do. I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to me, but I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want to be single, remember how single I once was? I don’t want to go on fucking Tinder dates. Someone kill me before I do, because it will kill me and I don’t want my obituary to say her husband left her and she was killed by Tinder, that she opened Tinder and swiped and swiped whichever way means no until she died. I know the great couple who met on Tinder. There are no more great Tinder couples. I don’t want to date at all. I don’t want to show someone my fifty-seven-year-old body and I don’t want to get used to some new dude’s weird body. I got used to one dude’s weird body. Dudes’ bodies are just weird. I don’t want this to be a story about losing one dude and then meeting a new dude and then everything is better. I don’t want this to be a story about losing a dude and then finding myself and then everything is better. I want a story without losing and without finding. I want this to be a story about everything just being better.