THE PRAYERS AND MEDITATIONS OF ST ANSELM

Almighty God, merciful Father, and my good Lord,

have mercy on me, a sinner.

Grant me forgiveness of my sins.

Make me guard against and overcome

5

all snares, temptations, and harmful pleasures.

May I shun utterly in word and in deed,

whatever you forbid,

and do and keep whatever you command.

Let me believe and hope, love and live,

10

according to your purpose and your will.

Give me heart-piercing goodness and humility;

discerning abstinence and mortification of the flesh.

Help me to love you and pray to you,

praise you and meditate upon you.

15

May I act and think in all things according to your will,

purely, soberly, devoutly,

and with a true and effective mind.

Let me know your commandments, and love them,

carry them out readily, and bring them into effect.

20

Always, Lord, let me go on with humility to better things

and never grow slack.

Lord, do not give me over

either to my human ignorance and weakness

or to my own deserts,

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or to anything, other than your loving dealing with me.

Do you yourself in kindness dispose of me,

my thoughts and actions, according to your good pleasure,

so that your will may always be done

by me and in me and concerning me.

30

Deliver me from all evil

and lead me to eternal life

through the Lord.

Lord Jesus Christ,

my Redeemer, my Mercy, and my Salvation:

I praise you and give you thanks.

They are far beneath the goodness of your gifts,

5

which deserve a better return of love;

but although I requite so poorly

the sweet riches of your love

which I have longed to have,

yet my soul will pay its debt

10

by some sort of praise and thanks,

not as I know I ought, but as I can.

*

Hope of my heart, strength of my soul,

help of my weakness,

by your powerful kindness complete

15

what in my powerless weakness I attempt.

My life, the end to which I strive,

although I have not yet attained to love you as I ought,

still let my desire for you

be as great as my love ought to be.

*

20

My light, you see my conscience,

because, ‘Lord, before you is all my desire’,

and if my soul wills any good, you gave it me.

Lord, if what you inspire is good,

or rather because it is good, that I should want to love you,

25

give me what you have made me want:

grant that I may attain to love you as much as you command.

I praise and thank you for the desire that you have inspired;

and I offer you praise and thanks

lest your gift to me be unfruitful,

30

which you have given me of your own accord.

Perfect what you have begun,

and grant me what you have made me long for,

not according to my deserts but out of your kindness

that came first to me.

*

35

Most merciful Lord,

turn my lukewarmness into a fervent love of you.

Most gentle Lord,

my prayer tends towards this –

that by remembering and meditating

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on the good things you have done

I may be enkindled with your love.

Your goodness, Lord, created me;

Your mercy cleansed what you had created

from original sin;

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your patience has hitherto borne with me,

fed me, waited for me,

when after I had lost the grace of my baptism

I wallowed in many sordid sins.

You wait, good Lord, for my amendment;

50

My soul waits for the inbreathing of your grace

in order to be sufficiently penitent

to lead a better life.

*

My Lord and my Creator,

you bear with me and nourish me –

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be my helper.

I thirst for you, I hunger for you, I desire you,

I sigh for you, I covet you:

I am like an orphan deprived of the presence

of a very kind father,

60

who, weeping and wailing, does not cease to cling to

the dear face with his whole heart.

So, as much as I can, though not as much as I ought,

I am mindful of your passion,

your buffeting, your scourging, your cross, your wounds,

65

how you were slain for me,

how prepared for burial and buried;

and also I remember your glorious Resurrection,

and wonderful Ascension.

All this I hold with unwavering faith,

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and weep over the hardship of exile,

hoping in the sole consolation of your coming,

ardently longing for the glorious contemplation of your face.

Alas for me, that I was not able to see

the Lord of Angels humbled to converse with men,

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when God, the one insulted,

willed to die that the sinner might live.

Alas that I did not deserve to be amazed

in the presence of a love marvellous and beyond our grasp.

Why, O my soul, were you not there

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to be pierced by a sword of bitter sorrow

when you could not bear

the piercing of the side of your Saviour with a lance?

Why could you not bear to see

the nails violate the hands and feet of your Creator?

85

Why did you not see with horror

the blood that poured out of the side of your Redeemer?

Why were you not drunk with bitter tears

when they gave him bitter gall to drink?

Why did you not share

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the sufferings of the most pure virgin,

his worthy mother and your gentle lady?

*

My most merciful Lady,

what can I say about the fountains

that flowed from your most pure eyes

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when you saw your only Son before you,

bound, beaten and hurt?

What do I know of the flood

that drenched your matchless face,

when you beheld your Son, your Lord, and your God,

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stretched on the cross without guilt,

when the flesh of your flesh

was cruelly butchered by wicked men?

How can I judge what sobs troubled your most pure breast

when you heard, ‘Woman, behold your son,’

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and the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother’,

when you received as a son

the disciple in place of the master,

the servant for the lord?

*

Would that I with happy Joseph

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might have taken down my Lord, from the cross,

wrapped him in spiced grave-clothes

and laid him in the tomb;

or even followed after

so that such a burial

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might not have been without my mourning.

Would that with the blessed band of women

I might have trembled at the vision of angels

and have heard the news of the Lord’s Resurrection,

news of my consolation,

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so much looked for, so much desired.

Would that I might have heard from the angel’s mouth,

‘Fear not, Jesus who was crucified, whom you are seeking,

is not here; he is risen.’

*

Kindest, gentlest, most serene Lord,

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will you not make it up to me for not seeing

the blessed incorruption of your flesh,

for not having kissed the place of the wounds

where the nails pierced,

for not having sprinkled with tears of joy

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the scars that prove the truth of your body?

O wonder, beyond price and beyond compare,

‘how will you comfort and recompense me for my grief?’

For it cannot cease while I am a pilgrim, far from my Lord.

Alas, Lord, alas, my soul.

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You have ascended, consoler of my life,

and you have not said farewell to me.

Going up on your way you blessed your own,

but I did not say good-bye;

‘lifting up your hands’

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you were received by a cloud into heaven,

and I did not see it;

angels promised your return; and I did not hear it.

*

What shall I say? What shall I do? Whither shall I go?

Where shall I seek him? Where and when shall I find him?

145

Whom shall I ask? Who will tell me of my beloved?

‘for I am sick from love’.

The joy of my heart fails me’;

my laughter ‘is turned to mourning’;

my heart and my flesh fail me;

150

‘but God is the strength of my heart, my portion for ever.’

‘My soul refuses comfort,’ unless from you, my dear.

‘Whom have I in heaven but you,

and what do I desire upon earth beside you?’

I want you, I hope for you, I seek you;

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‘to you my heart has said, seek my face’;

‘your face, Lord, have I sought;

turn not your face from me.’

*

Most kind lover of men,

‘the poor commits himself to you,

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for you are the helper of the orphan’.

My most safe helper,

have mercy upon the orphan left to you.

I am become a child without a father;

my soul is like a widow.

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Turn your gaze and behold my tears

which I offer to you till you return.

Come now, Lord, appear to me and I will be consoled;

show me your face and I shall be saved;

display your presence and I have obtained my desire;

170

reveal your glory and my joy will be full.

‘My soul thirsts for you, my flesh longs after you,’

my soul thirsts for God, the fountain of life;

‘when shall I come to appear before the presence of God?’

My consoler, for whom I wait, when will you come?

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O that I might see the joy that I desire;

that I might be satisfied with the appearing of your glory

for which I hunger;

that I might be satisfied with the riches of your house

for which I sigh;

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that I might drink of the torrent of your pleasures

for which I thirst.

*

Lord, meanwhile, let my tears be my meat day and night,

until they say to me, ‘Behold your God,’

until I hear, ‘Soul, behold your bridegroom.’

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Meanwhile, let me be fed with griefs,

and let my tears be my drink;

comfort me with sorrows.

Perhaps then my Redeemer will come to me,

for he is good;

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he is kind, he will not tarry,

to whom be glory for ever. Amen.

Lord Jesus Christ

by the Father’s plan and by the working of the Holy Ghost

of your own free will you died

and mercifully redeemed the world

5

from sin and everlasting death.

I adore and venerate you

as much as ever I can,

though my love is so cold, my devotion so poor.

Thank you for the good gift

10

of this your holy Body and Blood,

which I desire to receive, as cleansing from sin,

and for a defence against it.

*

Lord, I acknowledge that I am far from worthy

to approach and touch this sacrament;

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but I trust in that mercy

which caused you to lay down your life for sinners

that they might be justified,

and because you gave yourself

willingly as a holy sacrifice to the Father.

20

A sinner, I presume to receive these gifts

so that I may be justified by them.

I beg and pray you, therefore, merciful lover of men,

let not that which you have given for the cleansing of sins

be unto me the increase of sin,

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but rather for forgiveness and protection.

*

Make me, O Lord, so to perceive with lips and heart

and know by faith and by love,

that by virtue of this sacrament I may deserve to be

planted in the likeness of your death and resurrection,

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by mortifying the old man,

and by renewal of the life of righteousness.

May I be worthy to be incorporated into your body

‘which is the church’,

so that I may be your member and you may be my head,

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and that I may remain in you and you in me.

Then at the Resurrection you will refashion

the body of my humiliation

according to the body of your glory,

as you promised by your apostle,

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and I shall rejoice in you for ever

to your glory,

who with the Father and the Holy Spirit

lives and reigns for ever. Amen.

Holy Cross,

which calls to mind the cross

whereon our Lord Jesus Christ died,

to bring us back from that eternal death

5

to which our misery was leading us,

to the eternal life we had lost by sinning.

I adore, I venerate, and I glory in that cross

which you represent to us,

and by that cross I adore our merciful Lord

10

and what he has in mercy done for us.

Cross, worthy to be loved, in whom is our salvation,

our life, and resurrection.

Most precious wood, by whom we are saved and set free,

sign to be reverenced, by which we are sealed for God,

15

glorious cross, we ought to glory only in you.

*

We do not acknowledge you because of the cruelty

that godless and foolish men prepared you to effect

upon the most gentle Lord,

but because of the wisdom and goodness of him

20

who of his own free will took you up.

For they could not have done anything

unless his wisdom had permitted it,

and he could not suffer except that in his mercy he willed it.

They chose you

25

that they might carry out their evil deeds;

he chose you

that he might fulfil the work of his goodness.

They that by you

they might hand over the righteous to death;

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he that through you he might save sinners from death.

They that they might kill life;

he that he might destroy death.

They that they might condemn the Saviour;

he that he might save the condemned.

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They that they might bring death to the living;

he to bring life to the dead.

They acted foolishly and cruelly; he wisely and mercifully.

Therefore, O Cross to be wondered at,

we do not value you

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because of the intention of their cruel folly,

but according to the working of mercy and wisdom.

*

In what way, then, shall I praise you,

how shall I exalt you,

with what love shall I pray to you,

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and with what joy shall I glory in you?

By you hell is despoiled,

by you its mouth is stopped up to all the redeemed.

By you demons are made afraid and restrained,

conquered and trampled underfoot.

50

By you the world is renewed and made beautiful with truth,

governed by the light of righteousness.

By you sinful humanity is justified,

the condemned are saved,

the servants of sin and hell are set free,

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the dead are raised to life.

By you the blessed city in heaven

is restored and made perfect.

By you God, the Son of God willed for our sakes

‘to become obedient to the Father, even unto death’,

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because of which he is exalted and has received

‘the name which is above every name’.

By you ‘his throne is prepared’ and his kingdom established.

*

O Cross, chosen and prepared for such ineffable good,

the work that was accomplished on you exalts you more

65

than all the praises of human or angelic thought and tongue.

In you and through you is my life and my salvation;

in you and through you is the whole and all my good;

‘forbid that I should glory save in you’.

For why was I conceived and born, and given life,

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if afterwards I am to descend to hell?

If that is to be my fate it were better for me

if I had never been conceived.

And it is certain that it would have been so

if I had not been redeemed by you.

*

75

With what love shall I glory in you, O Cross,

when without you

there would be nothing for me to glory in,

and in eternity I should have the grief and misery of hell.

With what delight will I rejoice in you,

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when by you the servitude of hell which I inherited

is exchanged for the kingdom of heaven.

With what jubilation shall I laud you,

when without you I faced that future

which horrifies me, even if it had lasted only a moment,

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and through you I now expect to rejoice in eternity.

Though now I serve God between hope and fear,

I am sure that if I give thanks, love, and live to your glory,

through you I shall at last come to that good.

*

So let my glory be through you and in you;

90

let my true hope be through you and in you.

By you my sins are wiped out,

by you my soul is dead to its old life

and lives to the new life of righteousness.

I beseech you, wash me by baptism from the sins

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in which I was conceived and born,

and cleanse me again from those that I committed

after I was reborn,

so that by you I may come to those good things

for which man was created,

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by the might of the same Jesus Christ our Lord

who is blessed for ever and ever. Amen.

Mary, holy Mary,

among the holy ones the most holy after God.

Mother with virginity to be wondered at,

Virgin with fertility to be cherished,

5

you bore the Son of the most High,

and brought forth the Saviour of the lost human race.

Lady, shining before all others with such sanctity,

pre-eminent with such dignity,

it is very sure that you are not least in power and in honour.

10

Life-bearer, mother of salvation,

shrine of goodness and mercy,

I long to come before you in my misery,

sick with the sickness of vice,

in pain from the wounds of crimes,

15

putrid with the ulcers of sin.

However near I am to death, I reach out to you,

and I long to ask that by your powerful merits

and your loving prayers,

you will deign to heal me.

20

Good Lady,

a huge dullness is between you and me,

so that I am scarcely aware of the extent of my sickness.

I am so filthy and stinking

that I am afraid you will turn your merciful face from me.

25

So I look to you to convert me,

but I am held back by despair,

and even my lips are shut against prayer.

*

My sins, my wicked deeds,

since you have destroyed my soul with your poison,

30

why do you make it a horror with your filth,

so that no one can look on my misery?

If your weight is so great that I have no hope of being heard,

why by your shame do you block the voice of my prayer?

If you have made me mad with love for you,

35

why have you made my senses unfeeling with your torpor?

Alas, what a shameful thing is the filth of sin

before the brightness of holiness.

Alas, what confusion there is for an impure conscience

in the presence of shining purity.

*

40

You are blessed above all women,

in purity surpassing the angels,

in goodness overpassing the saints.

Already dying I long to be seen by such kindness,

but I blush before the gaze of such purity.

45

What I want to ask you, Lady, is

that by a glance from your mercy

you will cure the sickness and ulcers of my sins,

but before you I am confounded

by the smell and foulness of them.

50

I shudder, Lady, to show you all my foul state,

lest it makes you shudder at the sight of me,

but, alas for me, I cannot be seen any other way.

*

How disturbed and confused is the state of sin!

How my sins tear my heart in pieces and divide it,

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gnaw at it and torment it.

Because of these sins of mine, Lady,

I desire to come to you and be cured,

but I flee from you for fear of being cursed.

My sins cannot be cured unless they are confessed,

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but to acknowledge them throws me into confusion.

If they are concealed they cannot be healed,

if they are seen they are detestable.

They chafe me with sorrow, they terrify me with fear,

65

they bury me with their weight, they press upon me heavily,

and confound me with shame.

*

Mary, powerful in goodness, and good in power,

from whom was born the fount of mercy,

I pray you, do not withhold such true mercy

where you know there is such true misery.

70

The brightness of your holiness

confounds the darkness of my sins,

but surely you will not blush to feel kindness

towards such a wretch?

If I acknowledge my iniquity,

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surely you will not refuse to show kindness?

If my misery is too great to be heard favourably,

surely your mercy will be less than it ought to be?

Lady, before God and before you my sins appear vile;

and therefore so much the more do they need

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his healing and your help.

Most gentle Lady, heal my weakness,

and you will be taking away the filth that offends you.

Most kind Lady, take away my sickness,

and you will not experience the dirt you shudder at.

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Most dear Lady, do not let what grieves you be,

and there will be nothing to defile your holiness.

Hear me, Lady,

and make whole the soul of a sinner who is your servant,

by virtue of the blessed fruit of your womb,

90

who sits at the right hand of his almighty Father

and is praised and glorified above all for ever. Amen.

Virgin venerated throughout the world,

Mother dear to the human race,

Woman, marvel of the angels,

Mary, most holy.

5

By your blessed virginity you have made all integrity sacred,

and by your glorious child-bearing

you have brought salvation to all fruitfulness.

Great Lady,

to you the joyous company of the saints gives thanks;

10

to you the fearful crowd of the accused flee;

and to you, Lady of might and mercy,

I flee, a sinner every way, beyond measure distressed.

*

Lady, it seems to me as if I were already

before the all-powerful justice of the stern judge

15

facing the intolerable vehemence of his wrath,

while hanging over me is the enormity of my sins,

and the huge torments they deserve.

Most gentle Lady,

whose intercession should I implore

20

when I am troubled with horror, and shake with fear,

but hers, whose womb embraced

the reconciliation of the world?

Whence should I most surely hope for help quickly in need,

but from her whence I know came the world’s propitiation?

25

Who can more easily gain pardon for the accused

by her intercession,

than she who gave milk to him

who justly punishes or mercifully pardons all and each one?

Most blessed Lady, it is not possible for you to forget

30

that those merits which are so specially yours

are very necessary to us.

Most gentle Lady, it is not credible that you should not pity

such pitiable suppliants.

Well the world knows,

35

and we sinners do not in any way hide it from the world,

we know well enough, Lady, who is ‘the son of man’,

and to what sons of men ‘he came

to seek that which was lost’.

Lady, mother of my hope,

40

surely you will not forget in hatred of me

what you so mercifully brought into the world,

so happily revealed and lovingly embraced?

The son of man in his goodness came

of his own free will to save that which was lost;

45

how can the mother of God not care

when the lost cry to her?

The son of man came to ‘call sinners to repentance’ –

how can the mother of God despise

the prayers of the repentant?

50

The good God, the gentle man,

the merciful son of God, the good son of man,

came to seek the sinner who had strayed;

and will you, good mother of the man,

mighty mother of God,

55

repel wretches who pray to you?

*

O human virgin,

of you was born a human God, to save human sinners,

and see, before both son and mother

is a human sinner, penitent and confessing,

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groaning and praying.

I beg you both,

good Lord and good Lady, dear son and dear mother,

by this truth which is the only hope of sinners,

that you will be her son and you will be his mother

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to save this sinner.

Thus, thus let this sinner be absolved and cared for,

healed and saved.

In this he shows himself to be your sinner,

as indeed he is,

70

for he knows you to be both son and mother

for the salvation of sinners.

Indeed I am the sinner who belongs to you both.

*

When I have sinned against the son,

I have alienated the mother,

75

nor can I offend the mother without hurting the son.

What will you do, then, sinner?

Where will you flee?

Who can reconcile me to the son if the mother is my enemy,

or who will make my peace with the mother

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if I have angered the son?

Surely if I have offended you both equally

you will both also be merciful?

So the accused flees from the just God

to the good mother of the merciful God.

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The accused finds refuge from the mother he has offended

in the good son of the kind mother.

The accused is carried from one to the other

and throws himself between

the good son and the good mother.

*

90

Dear Lord, spare the servant of your mother;

dear Lady, spare the servant of your son.

Good son, make your servant’s peace with your mother;

good mother, reconcile your son to your servant.

When I throw myself between two

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of such unbounded goodness

I shall not fall under the severity of their power.

Good son, good mother,

do not let me confess this truth about you in vain,

lest I blush for hoping in your goodness.

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I love the truth I confess about you,

and I beg for that goodness which I hope for from you.

*

Tell me, judge of the world, whom you will spare,

tell me, reconciler of the world, whom you will reconcile,

if you, Lord, condemn, and you, Lady, turn away

105

your goodness and love from this little man

who confesses his sin with sorrow?

Saviour of each one, tell me whom you will save,

mother of salvation, tell me for whom you will pray,

if it is by your command, Lord,.

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and with your consent, Lady,

that torments vex the sinner

who blames himself and prays to you,

that hell absorbs the prisoner

who accuses himself and entreats you,

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that Tartarus devours the poor man

who despairs of himself and hopes in you.

*

God, who was made the son of a woman out of mercy;

woman, who was made mother of God out of mercy;

have mercy upon this wretch,

120

you forgiving, you interceding,

or show the unhappy man to whom he may flee for safety

and point out in whose power he may more certainly confide.

If it is – or rather because it is –

that my sin is so great and my faith so small,

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so cool my love, so feeble my prayer,

so imperfect my satisfaction,

that I deserve neither the forgiveness of sins

nor the grace of salvation,

for this very reason I ask that in whatever way

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you see that my merits are not sufficient for me,

there in your mercy you will not be found wanting.

So I ask you to hear me

by your own merits rather than mine,

so that by the goodness you pour forth

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and the power in which you abound,

I may escape the sorrows of damnation which I deserve

and enter into the joy of the blessed

to praise you, God,

who are worthy to be praised and exalted for ever. Amen.

Mary, great Mary,

most blessed of all Marys,

greatest among all women,

great Lady, great beyond measure,

5

I long to love you with all my heart,

I want to praise you with my lips,

I desire to venerate you in my understanding,

I love to pray to you from my deepest being,

I commit myself wholly to your protection.

*

10

Heart of my soul, stir yourself up as much as ever you can

(if you can do anything at all),

and let all that is within me praise the good Mary has done,

love the blessing she has received,

wonder at her loftiness, and beseech her kindness;

15

for I need her defence daily,

and in my need I desire, implore, and beseech it,

and if it is not according to my desire,

at least let it be above, or rather contrary to, what I deserve.

*

Queen of angels, Lady of the world,

20

Mother of him who cleanses the world,

I confess that my heart is unclean,

and I am rightly ashamed to turn towards such cleanness,

but I turn towards it to be made clean

in order to come to it.

25

Mother of him who is the light of my heart,

nurse of him who is the strength of my soul,

I pray to you with my whole heart

to the extent of my powers.

Hear me, Lady, answer me, most mighty helper;

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let this filth be washed from my mind,

let my darkness be illuminated, my lukewarmness blaze up,

my listlessness be stirred.

For in your blessed holiness you are exalted above all,

after the highest of all, your Son,

35

through your omnipotent Son, with your glorious Son,

by your blessed Son.

So as being above all after the Lord,

who is my God and my all, your Son,

in my heart I know and worship you,

40

love you and ask for your affection,

not because of my imperfect desires,

but because it belongs to your Son to make and to save,

to redeem and bring back to life.

*

Mother of the life of my soul,

45

nurse of the redeemer of my flesh,

who gave suck to the Saviour of my whole being –

but what am I saying?

My tongue fails me, for my love is not sufficient.

Lady, Lady, I am very anxious to thank you for so much,

50

but I cannot think of anything worthy to say to you,

and I am ashamed to offer you anything unworthy.

How can I speak worthily

of the mother of the Creator and Saviour,

by whose sanctity my sins are purged,

55

by whose integrity incorruptibility is given me,

by whose virginity my soul falls in love with its Lord

and is married to its God.

What can I worthily tell of the mother of my Lord and God

by whose fruitfulness I am redeemed from captivity,

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by whose child-bearing

I am brought forth from eternal death,

by whose offspring I who was lost am restored,

and led back from my unhappy exile

to my blessed homeland.

*

65

‘Blessed among all women’,

all these things were given to me

by ‘the blessed fruit of your womb’

through his baptism of regeneration,

some in fact, others in hope;

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yet by sinning I put it all away from me

so that now I have nothing and scarcely any hope.

What then?

If they vanished because of my guilt

surely I will not be ungrateful to her

75

by whom so many good things came to me?

Stop, lest I add iniquity upon iniquity!

I give great thanks for what I have had,

I weep for what I have not,

I pray so that I may have them again.

80

For I am sure that since through the Son

I could receive grace,

I can receive it again through the merits of the mother.

Therefore, Lady,

gateway of life, door of salvation,

85

way of reconciliation, approach to recovery,

I beg you by the salvation born of your fruitfulness,

see to it that my sins be pardoned

and the grace to live well be granted me,

and even to the end keep this your servant

90

under your protection.

*

Palace of universal propitiation,

cause of general reconciliation,

vase and temple of life and universal salvation:

I have made too little of your praises,

95

and in a little man like me it is especially vile

to belittle your merits.

For the world rejoices in your love

and so proclaims what you have done for it.

O Lady, to be wondered at for your unparalleled virginity;

100

to be venerated for a holiness beyond all reckoning –

you showed to the world its Lord and its God

whom it had not known.

You showed to the sight of all the world

its Creator whom it had not seen.

105

You gave birth to the restorer of the world

for whom the lost world longed.

You brought forth the world’s reconciliation,

which, in its guilt, it did not have before.

Through your fruitfulness, Lady,

110

the sinner is cleansed and justified,

the condemned is saved and the exile is restored.

Your offspring, Lady, redeemed the world from captivity,

made whole the sick, gave life to the dead.

The world was wrapped in darkness,

115

surrounded and oppressed by demons under which it lay,

but from you alone light was born into it,

which broke its bonds and trampled underfoot their power.

*

Heaven, stars, earth, waters, day and night,

and whatever was in the power or use of men was guilty;

120

they rejoice now, Lady, that they lost that glory,

for a new and ineffable grace

has been given them through you.

They are brought back to life and give thanks.

For all things were as if dead,

125

since they had lost that inborn dignity by virtue of which

they were ruled and used to the praise of God

for which they were made.

They were buried by oppression,

and tainted by being used in the service of idols

130

for which they were not made.

But see now, how they are raised to life, and praise the Lord,

for they are ruled by the power of those who confess God,

and are honoured by the use they put them to.

And now they bound with joy,

135

in a new and inestimable grace,

for they know the very God, the Creator,

not only ruling invisibly over them all

but visibly among them, sanctifying them by use.

So much good has come into the world

140

through the blessed fruit of Mary’s womb.

*

But, Lady, why do I only speak

of the benefits with which you fill the earth?

They go down to hell, they go up to heaven.

For through the fullness of your grace

145

those in hell rejoice that they are delivered,

and those in heaven are glad at that restoration.

By the glorious Son of your virginity,

all just men who died before his birth exult

that their captivity is broken down,

150

and the angels wish each other joy

in the rebuilding of their half-ruined city.

*

O woman, uniquely to be wondered at,

and to be wondered at for your uniqueness,

by you the elements are renewed, hell is redeemed,

155

demons are trampled down and men are saved,

even the fallen angels are restored to their place.

O woman full and overflowing with grace,

plenty flows from you

to make all creatures green again.

160

O virgin blessed and ever blessed,

whose blessing is upon all nature,

not only is the creature blessed by the Creator,

but the Creator is blessed by the creature too.

O highly exalted,

165

when the love of my heart tries to follow you,

whither do you escape the keenness of my sight?

O beautiful to gaze upon,

lovely to contemplate, delightful to love,

whither do you go to evade the breadth of my heart?

170

Lady, wait for the weakness of him who follows you;

do not hide yourself,

seeing the littleness of the soul that seeks you!

Have mercy, Lady,

upon the soul that pants after you with longing.

*

175

A thing to be wondered at –

at what a height do I behold the place of Mary!

Nothing equals Mary,

nothing but God is greater than Mary.

God gave his own Son, who alone from his heart

180

was born equal to him, loved as he loves himself, to Mary,

and of Mary was then born a Son

not another but the same one,

that naturally one might be the Son of God and of Mary.

All nature is created by God and God is born of Mary.

185

God created all things, and Mary gave birth to God.

God who made all things made himself of Mary,

and thus he refashioned everything he had made.

He who was able to make all things out of nothing

refused to remake it by force,

190

but first became the Son of Mary.

So God is the Father of all created things,

and Mary is the mother of all re-created things.

God is the Father of all that is established,

and Mary is the mother of all that is re-established.

195

For God gave birth to him by whom all things were made

and Mary brought forth him by whom all are saved.

God brought forth him without whom nothing is,

Mary bore him without whom nothing is good.

O truly, ‘the Lord is with you’,

200

to whom the Lord gave himself,

that all nature in you might be in him.

*

Mary, I beg you, by that grace

through which the Lord is with you

and you willed to be with him,

205

let your mercy be with me.

Let love for you always be with me,

and the care of me be always with you.

Let the cry of my need, as long as it persists,

be with you,

210

and the care of your goodness, as long as I need it,

be with me.

Let joy in your blessedness be always with me,

and compassion for my wretchedness, where I need it,

be with you.

*

215

O most blessed,

all that turns away from you, and that you oppose,

must needs be lost,

and equally it is not possible that whatever turns to you

and you regard with favour, should perish.

220

For just as, Lady, God begat him

in whom all things live,

so, O flower of virginity,

you bore him by whom the dead are raised up.

And as God through his Son

225

keeps the blessed angels from sin,

so, O glory of purity,

through your Son you save unhappy men who have sinned.

For just as in some way the Son of God

is the bliss of the just,

230

so in some way, O rich in saving grace,

your Son is the reconciliation of sinners.

For there is no reconciliation

except that which you conceived in chastity,

there is no salvation

235

except what you brought forth as a virgin.

Therefore, Lady,

you are mother of justifier and the justified,

bearer of reconciliation and the reconciled,

parent of salvation and of the saved.

*

240

Blessed assurance, safe refuge,

the mother of God is our mother.

The mother of him in whom alone we have hope,

whom alone we fear,

is our mother.

245

The mother of him who alone saves and condemns

is our mother.

*

You are blessed and exalted

not for yourself alone but for us too.

What great and loving thing is this

250

that I see coming to us through you?

Seeing it I rejoice, and hardly dare to speak of it.

For if you, Lady, are his mother,

surely then your sons are his brothers?

But who are the brothers and of whom?

255

Shall I speak out of the rejoicing of my heart,

or shall I be silent in case it is too high for me to mention?

But if I believe and love

why should I not confess it with praise?

So let me speak not out of pride but with thanksgiving.

*

260

For he was born of a mother to take our nature,

and to make us, by restoring our life, sons of his mother.

He invites us to confess ourselves his brethren.

So our judge is our brother,

the Saviour of the world is our brother,

265

and finally our God through Mary is our brother.

With what confidence then ought we to hope,

and thus consoled how can we fear,

when our salvation or damnation hangs on the will

of a good brother and a devoted mother?

270

With what affection should we love

this brother and this mother,

with what familiarity should we commit ourselves to them,

with what security may we flee to them!

For our good brother forgives us when we sin,

275

and turns away from us what our errors deserve,

he gives us what in penitence we ask.

The good mother prays and beseeches for us,

she asks and pleads that he may hear us favourably.

She pleads with the son on behalf of the sons,

280

the only-begotten for the adopted,

the lord for the servants.

The good son hears the mother on behalf of his brothers,

the only-begotten for those he has adopted,

the lord for those he has set free.

*

285

Mary, how much we owe you, Mother and Lady,

by whom we have such a brother!

What thanks and praise can we return to you?

Great Lord, our elder brother,

great Lady, our best of mothers,

290

teach my heart a sweet reverence in thinking of you.

You are good, and so are you;

you are gentle, and so are you.

Speak and give my soul the gift

of remembering you with love, delighting in you,

295

rejoicing in you, so that I may come to you.

Let me rise up to your love.

Desiring to be always with you, my heart is sick of love,

my soul melts in me, my flesh fails.

If only my inmost being might be on fire

300

with the sweet fervour of your love,

so that my outer being of flesh might wither away.

If only the spirit within me

might come close to the sweetness of your love,

so that the marrow of my body might be dried up.

*

305

Lord, son of my lady,

Lady, mother of my lord,

if I am not worthy of the bliss of your love,

certainly you are not unworthy of being so greatly loved.

So, most kind, do not refuse what I ask,

310

for though I confess I am not worthy of it,

you cannot worthily refuse it.

Give me not according to my deserts when I pray,

but something that will be worth your loving.

Give me, unworthy as I am,

315

something that I can worthily give back to you.

If you are not willing to give according to my desire,

at least do not refuse to give

what I ought to give back to you.

*

Perhaps I am presumptuous to speak,

320

but the goodness of you both makes me bold.

So I speak thus to my lord and my lady,

I, ‘who am dust and ashes’.

Lord and Lady, surely it is much better for you to give grace

to those who do not deserve it

325

han for you to exact what is owing to you in justice?

The first is praise-worthy, the other is wicked injustice.

Give us then your grace,

so that you may receive what is owing to you.

Show me your mercy,

330

for I need it and it is right for you to give it,

lest I act towards you unjustly,

which noone needs and is no good to anyone.

Be merciful to me because I ask it,

lest I be unjust towards you by whom I am cursed.

335

Kind Lord and Lady, do not make it difficult to pray to you,

but give my soul your love,

which not unjustly it asks and you justly expect it to ask,

lest I be ungrateful for your good gifts

because of that which in justice it shudders at

340

and you not unjustly punish.

*

Surely Jesus, Son of God, and Mary his mother,

you both want, and it is only right,

that whatever you love, we should love too.

So, good Son,

345

I ask you through the love you have for your mother,

that as she truly loves you and you her

you will grant that I may truly love her.

Good mother,

I ask you by the love you have for your Son,

350

that, as he truly loves you and you him,

you will grant that I may love him truly.

For see, I am asking what it is indeed your will to do,

for why does he not act as my sins deserve

when it is in his power?

355

Lover and ruler of mankind,

you could love those who accused you even to death,

and can you refuse, when you are asked,

those who love you and your mother?

Mother of our lover who carried him in her womb

360

and was willing to give him milk at her breast –

are you not able or are you unwilling to grant your love

to those who ask it?

*

So I venerate you both,

as far as my mind is worthy to do so;

365

I love you both,

as far as my heart is equal to it;

I prefer you both,

as much as my soul can;

and I serve you both,

370

as far as my flesh may.

And in this let my life be consummated

that for all eternity all my being may sing

‘Blessed be the Lord for ever. Amen.’

St John:

you are that John who baptized God;

you were praised by an archangel

before you were begotten by your father;

5

you were full of God

before you were born of your mother;

you knew God before you knew the world;

you showed your mother the mother bearing God

before the mother who bore you within her

10

showed you the day.

It was of you that God said:

‘Among them that are born of women

there has not risen a greater’.

To you, sir, who are so great, holy and blessed,

15

comes a guilty, creeping thing,

a wretched little man

whose senses are almost dead with grief,

and, what grieves him even more, a sinner with a dead soul.

To you, so great a friend of God,

20

he comes, very fearful, doubtful of his salvation,

because he is sure of the greatness of his guilt,

but hoping in your greater grace;

for your grace, sir, is greater than my guilt;

what you are able to do before God

25

will more than blot out all my wickedness.

To you, then, sir,

whom grace has made such a friend of God,

to you, in my distress, I flee.

I, the accused of God through manifold iniquities,

30

worth nothing because of so much misery,

come to you whom grace has filled with blessedness.

Truly, sir, I admit this:

my sins have made me what I am,

but you have not made yourself what you are,

35

but the grace of God with you.

So remember, sir,

that as the grace of God made you so high,

so your mercy can raise him up

who is laid so low by his guilt.

40

Alas, what have I made of myself?

What was I, O God, as you had made me –

and how have I made myself again!

In sin I was conceived and born,

but you washed me and sanctified me;

45

and I have defiled myself still more.

Then I was born in sin of necessity,

but now I wallow in it of my own free will.

In sin I was conceived in ignorance,

but these sins I commit willingly, readily, and openly.

50

From them in mercy I was led forth by you;

to these miseries I have led myself.

I was redeemed from them by goodness,

and I have broken with that redemption by wickedness.

You healed, good God, a soul wounded in its first parents;

55

I, wicked man, have killed what was healed.

You set aside, merciful Lord, the old rags of original sin,

and clothed me in the garments of innocence,

promising me incorruptibility in the future;

and casting off what you had given me,

60

I busied myself with sordid sins;

despising what you had promised,

I chose rather the sorrows of eternal misery.

You had made the son of your wrath

into the son of your grace,

65

and I, contemptuous of that,

made myself the son of your hatred.

You refashioned your gracious image in me,

and I superimposed upon it the image that is hateful.

Alas, alas, how could I?

70

How could I, miserable and crazy little man that I am,

how could I superimpose that image

upon the image of God?

*

O why did I not blush to do that which I dread to speak of?

O why did I not loathe to imitate him

75

at whose name I shudder?

He fell because it was his lot to do so;

I chose to become vile.

Before him none had been punished for sin,

and he fell through pride;

80

but I, who had seen his punishment,

was contemptuous of it,

and rushed into sin.

He was created in innocence; I was restored to it.

He sinned against his maker;

85

I against him who made me, and re-made me.

He deserted God, and God let him go;

I fled from God, and God came with me.

He persisted in evil, cast off by God;

I ran headlong into the same evil,

90

when God was calling me back.

He hardened his heart when he was punished;

I hardened mine when I was kindly treated.

So we are both set against God:

he against him who does not want him;

95

I against him who died for me.

O wretched man that I am –

if indeed my humanity has not gone from me

where such huge malice closes in.

See – I shuddered at the horror of his appearance;

100

and I see myself in many ways more horrible than he.

*

Flee, flee,

you who are of I know not what horrible substance;

flee from yourself; be terribly afraid of yourself.

But, alas, you cannot flee from yourself,

105

nor can you look at yourself, because you cannot bear it.

For if you could bear it, without a horror of grief,

you would find your toleration intolerable.

Insofar as you can tolerate yourself

you are like the first sinner,

110

and thereby you are less tolerable to God,

for to tolerate yourself is not courage,

but the blunt edge of death;

it is not health, it is hardened sin;

it comes not from consolation but from damnation.

115

I cannot bear the interior horror of my face

without a huge groan in my heart.

So then, I cannot fly from myself,

nor can I look at myself, for I cannot bear myself.

*

But see, it is worse still if I do not look at myself;

120

for then I am deceived about myself.

O too heavy weight of anguish.

If I look within myself, I cannot bear myself;

if I do not look within myself, I do not know myself.

If I consider myself, what I see terrifies me;

125

if I do not consider myself, I fall to my damnation.

If I look at myself, it is an intolerable horror;

if I do not look at myself, death is unavoidable.

Evil here, worse there, ill on every side;

but there is too much evil here,

130

too much that is worse there,

too much ill on every side.

For he is very wretched whom his conscience torments,

when he cannot flee from it;

and even more wretched is he

135

who looks into his own damnation,

when he is not able to avoid it;

very unhappy is he who is horrible in his own eyes;

and more unhappy still will he be

when he undergoes eternal death.

140

Very wretched is he who is continually afraid

of the filthy horror of himself;

but more wretched still will he be

whom anguish will torture eternally because of his sins.

Evil here, and evil there;

145

too much here, and too much there.

*

To sin – how evil and bitter that is.

Sins – how easy to commit, how hard to give up.

Sinners – so misled by sins – are caught by their fetters.

Understand, O understand how evil and bitter it is

150

to have lost the Lord.

Sinner, turn back; refuse in your will to sin.

Refuse, I say, refuse.

It is evil and bitter – refuse.

*

Truly it is evil and bitter;

155

I am expert, in this I am expert indeed.

For either the sorrows of continual repentance

torture my life,

or eternal torments will vex my soul to punish it.

Both are evil, both are bitter,

160

and surely justly is the accused of God distressed

between evil and worse,

so much evil, among too, too much evil.

It is done justly, it is done rightly, my just judge;

but at least you are yourself

165

God, and Lord, and my Creator.

*

Take away, then, Creator,

take away so much evil from your creature;

if he is to give thanks that you made him;

Lord, snatch your servant away from so much evil,

170

if he is to rejoice to have you as his Lord.

Spare, God, spare your sinner,

if he is not to despair of your goodness.

For even if I have sinned more than the first sinner

I do not hate you as he does, nor detest your goodness.

*

175

Then, by the great merit of your Baptizer,

renew in me the grace of your baptizing.

Go before me with your grace; follow me with your mercy.

Give me back through the sorrow of penitence

what you had given through the sacrament of baptism.

180

Give to me who asks,

what you gave to him who knew you not.

Refashion the face that I have spoiled,

restore the innocence that I have violated.

You, Lord, were not involved in that sin

185

which you were born to bear.

Lord, take away the sin that I have contracted in living.

Take away, you who take away the sin of the world,

these which are sins of the world,

which I carry from living in the world.

190

Take away, you who take away the sin of the world,

by the merits of him who with that same word of witness

pointed you out to the world,

take away the sins that I have contracted in the world;

take from me whatever is not from you,

195

for I hate whatever is from me; and still I hope in you.

And you, St John,

who showed to the world

him who takes away the sin of the world,

by the grace given to you

200

gain for me that mercy to take away my sins.

*

You, God, take away the sin of the world,

and you, his friend, say,

‘Here is he who takes away the sin of the world.

Behold, before you,

205

him who is burdened with the sin of the world.’

You bear the sin – and you proclaim that he bears it.

Behold me, whose sin you bear as John proclaims.

Behold, healer, and the healer’s witness, here am I –

behold, the sick servant of the healer and his work

210

petitions here the healer and his witness.

True healer, I pray you heal me;

true witness, I beg you to pray for me.

Reconcile me to myself,

you by your action, you by your words.

215

Let me prove what I hear, let me experience what I believe.

Jesus, good Lord,

if you perform the work that he testifies of you,

John, revealer of God, if you witness to what he performs,

be it to me according to your word.

220

Lord, from whom comes healing, heal me.

Do this for me, Lord, since you are able to do it,

you are the great Lord,

and you, John, are ‘great in the sight of the Lord’.

You can do all things by your own nature;

225

you are very powerful before him.

You are the high and good God,

and you are the very good friend

of him who is in eternity the merciful and blessed God.

Amen.

Holy and most kind Peter,

faithful shepherd of the flock of God,

chief of the apostles,

prince among such mighty princes.

5

You are able to bind and loose as you will;

you are able to heal and raise up as you will;

you can give the kingdom of heaven to whom you will.

Great Peter,

rich with so many and such great gifts,

10

high in so many and such great dignities,

here am I,

the poorest and weakest of men,

surrounded by many difficulties and hardships.

In my misery I need the help of your power and kindness,

15

but I have no words to express my need as it really is,

and my love is not great enough to reach up

from such a depth as mine to such a height as yours.

*

Again and again I try

to shake the lethargy from my mind,

20

to prevent my thoughts

from being scattered among vanities,

but when I have gathered together all my strength

I am not able to break out of the shadows

of the torpor that holds me

25

because of the filth of my sins.

Nor do I have the strength

to remain for long of the same mind.

I am the most wretched of wretches.

It really is so, it is not pretence, it is true.

30

Who is there to help a wretch

who has not the strength to express his trouble in words

or show the sorrow of his heart?

*

O great Peter,

if the cry of my trouble does not come up as far as you,

35

let the care of your goodness come down as far as me!

Shatter my hardness, shine on my darkness,

look upon my wretchedness!

Have a care, kind shepherd,

for the lamb of the flock committed unto you,

40

and have mercy on the misery in which he toils.

Do not make demands according to his wickedness,

but make allowance according to his prayer.

*

See now, the sickly sheep,

lies groaning at the shepherd’s feet;

45

he comes before the Lord of the shepherd and the sheep.

The runaway returns

and asks forgiveness for his errors and disobedience.

He shows to the good and healing shepherd

the gashes of wounds, and the bites of wolves,

50

which he ran into when he strayed,

and the neglected sore places

that he has had for a long time.

He begs him to have mercy while there is still life in him,

and he prays more by showing his need

55

to the merciful shepherd

than by any beseeching.

*

Peter, good shepherd,

do not be difficult of access;

do not turn away your merciful eyes.

60

Have a care, I pray you,

lest you throw down the penitent,

and delay to hear a suppliant.

Because his soul loathes the life-giving pasture,

he grows weak for lack of strength;

65

because he indulges in what is unhealthy,

he attracts tormenting diseases.

Full-grown ulcers, open wounds, putrid decay,

draw him swiftly to death.

Wolves have tasted his blood and now they lie in ambush,

70

watching, and plotting his overthrow.

His enemy, ‘as a roaring lion’, goes about seeking him,

so that he ‘may devour him’.

Faithful shepherd, look upon him,

and recognize that he has been committed to you.

75

He may have strayed but at least it is not he

who has denied his Lord and Shepherd.

Consider his appearance

and see the sign of your Lord and his.

If, under so much filth, you do not recognize

80

a face washed and made white at the font of Christ,

see at least that he confesses the name of Christ.

Remember that Christ asked you three times

if you loved him,

and when three times you confessed it

85

he said to you, ‘Feed my sheep’.

He is indeed a lover of the sheep

who thus sifts the love of the shepherd

before committing them to him.

When you had confessed that you loved him,

90

then he confided his sheep to you.

How, then, can his shepherd spurn his sheep?

Peter, shepherd of Christ,

gather up the lamb of Christ.

Your Lord sought and found him,

95

and bore him on his shoulders, rejoicing;

do not repel him now he comes back and prays.

The Lord bought him with his own blood

before he was born;

Christ’s shepherd should not value him lightly

100

now he is reborn

and so diligently commended to him.

Alas, how long shall I not know

that I am received, healed, and cherished?

*

St Peter,

105

if the names shepherd and sheep do not move you,

prince of the apostles, let the name of apostle

and the name of a Christian soul, do so.

The sheep I am offering you

is my soul reborn by baptism in Christ.

110

Those wounds of which I spoke, those ulcers, those weals,

are not in the flesh of a sheep but in a rational being.

This hunger, this lack of strength, these sufferings,

are not in the belly of a sheep but in a human soul.

These wolves and lions are not animals but demons;

115

these ills come from poverty in virtue and heaped up sins.

*

I do not feel that I have yet obtained a favourable hearing,

so with urgent anguish

I will repeat my story from the beginning,

and begin my prayers over again.

120

To the door-keeper of the kingdom of heaven,

the prince of the apostles,

I will show a faithful soul, unhappy in the kingdom of sin,

longing for the kingdom of heaven;

and in this way I will call upon Peter,

125

door-keeper of heaven, prince of the apostles.

*

In your presence, merciful Peter,

I show you my soul, the strength of its virtue dissolved,

bound by the chains of sin,

weighed down by a burden of vices,

130

stinking and dirty with misdeeds,

torn by the wounds of devils,

festering and filthy with the ulcers of crimes.

By these and other grave ills, which you see better than I,

I am destitute, oppressed, surrounded,

135

overwhelmed, and relieved of all good.

See, here is a soul needing mercy,

and here is the merciful apostle Peter

before the God of mercy,

who had mercy upon the apostle Peter

140

and taught him what to do and gave him power to do it.

See, here is misery, and there is mercy,

the mercy of God and his apostle Peter,

and a soul in misery, confiding in God, and calling upon

God and his apostle Peter.

145

This soul, weighed down for so long by its misery,

looks towards God and Peter;

will it see now the mercy of God and of Peter?

*

O God, and you his greatest apostle,

is this misery of mine so huge

150

that it cannot be met by the wideness of your mercy?

Or if it can, but will not,

what is the enormity of my guilt

that exceeds the multitude of your mercies?

Is it that I have not confessed the whole of my sin?

155

Truly, I have confessed all that I know of my sins.

Or is it because I do not make amends

by sufficient penitence?

Or because the good in me does not equal the bad?

I acknowledge that all this is true,

160

but this is the very misery by which I am tormented.

Is it true, then, that the more I am oppressed by misery,

the more mercy will tarry?

That is an unheard-of word from one who is merciful

to one who prays.

*

165

And yet, just God,

I understand what reply you make to my soul:

I deserve to suffer

because I have sinned of my own free will,

I do not deserve to be heard because I have disobeyed.

170

Ah, how bitter it is to be without hope!

That, surely, is the sentence of justice, not of mercy,

and who calls on justice in my cause?

My talk was of mercy, not of justice.

In the wretched tribulation of my soul

175

I beg of you, my God, the bread of mercy;

why do you press the stone of justice into my mouth?

Let your mercy, merciful God,

and the intercession of your dear apostle, blessed Peter,

hasten to free me, my sins being forgiven.

180

St Peter, prince of the apostles,

by the mercy shown you and the power given you,

loose my chains, heal my wounds.

Free me from the misery of the kingdom of sin,

and lead me into the bliss of the kingdom of heaven,

185

where rejoicing with you

I may give thanks and praise God for ever. Amen.

St Paul, great Paul:

one of the great apostles of God.

You followed after all the rest in time,

but you surpassed them in labours and in effect

5

in the husbandry of God.

While you were still weighed down by the flesh

you were rapt ‘even to the third heaven’,

and heard ‘things that cannot be said by men’.

Among Christians you were like a nurse

10

who not only cared for her sons,

but in some way brought them forth a second time,

with careful and marvellous tenderness.

You were ‘made all things to all men’

so that ‘you might gain all’.

15

Sir, you are known to the world

by these and many other words and deeds

to be of great power before God

and of immense pity towards men:

to you I come, certainly a very great sinner

20

and greatly accused before God,

the powerful and strict judge.

Not by one, nor by a few am I accused,

but by innumerable offences;

not by small ones, but by those that are very great;

25

not in doubt, but quite certainly;

not by a short accusation, but by one that is long as life,

not by one accuser, but by as many as know my sins.

For the judge himself is my stern accuser

and I am clearly a sinner against him.

30

Moreover all spirits, good and evil, accuse me

in the presence of God.

The good because they owe justice to God;

the evil because they serve my injustice.

The good, because they bear witness

35

to the truth that they look to;

the evil, because they seek my punishment

which they look for.

They both judge my iniquity in this,

because they know that according to justice

40

I deserve to be damned.

Alas, how many judges, how many accusers

over one miserable man!

Alas, how hard they are on a fool,

how closely they look into what is manifest.

45

Alas, who will make excuse for him whom God accuses?

Or which one will be an intercessor for him,

if all are his accusers and judges?

*

But even more since I know my guilt,

I will be my own accuser and judge.

50

For I confess that I have sinned more than enough

and therefore deserve a heavy condemnation.

Even that which is irrational and insensible condemns me,

if I am not insensitive.

For I understand that I ought to blush

55

before the face of all creatures,

for I have sinned against him

who had the power to make them

and the goodness to will to do so.

And I am condemned by myself, too,

60

for I also was made by him.

Alas, whence have so many and so great evils poured in,

that so rush down upon a wretch?

*

My evil sins, it is from you that all these ills flow into me.

You encourage those who would make accusation;

65

You discourage those that would make excuse.

You lead on the ones who condemn;

you shut out those who intercede.

You call forth vengeance;

you turn away pardon.

70

You lead me on by your enticements to fear and confusion;

you tear away from me hope and consolation;

you push me on to eternal ruin;

you keep away from me all help;

and to increase my wretched state

75

you add this crowning unhappiness –

that while it is all true, yet it does not seem so to me.

*

In fact, if I did see the reality

I should not feel it or be moved by it.

Reason teaches this, but my heart does not grieve.

80

I see this because it is so,

and alas that I do not dissolve entirely in tears

because it is so.

If only I could do that, perhaps I might hope;

hoping, I might pray;

85

praying, I might obtain.

When truly, because of my wretchedness,

feeling and grief are not in me,

how can I hope?

Without hope, how can I pray?

90

And without prayer, what can I obtain?

*

Unhappy little man that I am!

What has become of my prayer?

Where have my hope and faith vanished to?

I began to pray with the hope of rashness,

95

and despair soon made me understand

the truth of my state;

my prayer itself slackened

because I could not hope in the goodness of anyone.

For if whatever is just is against me,

100

whose goodness is with me?

If all things that are right are turned against me,

who in pity will turn towards me?

If Creator and creatures rightly look down on me,

who will turn his gaze towards me?

105

Unhappy sinner, if this is so, nothing is left to you

except to be inert about hope and silent about prayer,

and thus always to lie down in your misery.

Since of your own accord you have made yourself wretched,

in justice it is right that you should always be wretched.

*

110

Is it thus, unhappy sins, that you keep your promises?

When you drew me on, you promised sweetness;

when it was done, and I was in your power,

you filled me with bitterness.

When you were persuading, you were gentle with me;

115

when you had persuaded, you stabbed my soul to death.

When you called me into your trap you showed me

that it was easy to get out by the grief of penitence;

in fact, when I rushed in headlong I fell and was buried.

Buried, I was blinded; blinded, I was hardened;

120

when I was hardened, all ways out were closed against me.

And thus, the wretch you have deceived and captured

you make fast in despair,

to be silent and lie insensible,

as if lost to God and forgetting God,

125

until he is sold to the merchants of hell,

who collect their merchandise in the lake of death.

All this you have done to me;

I am expert in all these matters,

even if I am not yet handed over to those merchants.

130

That is both what I expect at last in my miserable fear

and what they wait for with wicked delight.

Alas, how evil it is to despair and to be silent like this;

and alas, how vain it is to cry out without hope,

to strive without hope.

*

135

God, whose goodness is not exhausted,

whose mercy is not emptied out,

whose knowledge does not fail,

whose power can effect what you will;

whence shall I ever be able to get back life,

140

who have thus been driven desperate by my sins?

For if you are angry against sinners,

at least, kind Lord, you are accustomed to give counsel

to those who plead with you.

Teach me, O Lord, whence I ought to hope,

145

so that I can pray.

For I long to pray to you;

but I neither know how because of my ignorance,

nor am I able to because of my hardness.

And I am forbidden to do it by despair because of my sins.

150

I seek for something that will excuse me,

and there is nothing that does not accuse me.

I seek for someone who will pray for me,

and I find whatever exists is against me.

I seek for someone to have mercy upon a wretch,

155

and all that has being opposes the wretch.

*

Jesus, good Lord,

why did you come down from heaven,

what did you do in the world,

to what end did you give yourself over to death,

160

unless it was that you might save sinners?

St Paul, what did you teach

when you were passing through the world?

God, and his apostles, and you most of all,

invite us sinners to faith;

165

you show us this as our only safe refuge.

How then should I not hope, if I believe this,

and ask in this faith?

How can this hope be frustrated in me,

if that faith does not fail me

170

from which it was born?

*

Jesus, God, and you his apostle,

I, a sinner, believe in this faith by your command;

on this I throw myself;

indeed I have already thrown myself.

175

Thus clothed I have access to you when I pray.

In this faith I ask, I seek, I knock,

that you may both have mercy upon a sinner,

that you, Lord, may spare, and you, Paul, may intercede;

you save and you pray.

180

Before you both I wrap myself in this faith,

so that I may be hidden

from those who would search out my sins

and exact their deserts,

and from your buffeting, O God, my stern judge.

185

A sinner asks by your counsel to be concealed;

I beg you, do not reveal him, by your justice,

to damnation.

*

But alas, I fall into yet another heavy ill.

I thought to get hope through faith,

190

and lo, I see that I have no hold upon faith.

I had thought myself to be clothed in this faith,

and I know myself to be without it.

I was confident that I was concealed in it,

and I know myself to be far from it.

195

For ‘faith without works is dead’;

in truth, dead faith is not faith.

He then who has dead faith has no faith.

Alas, the fertility of evil works forbids me to have hope;

and sterility of good works proves me to be without faith.

200

Alas, the evil I have done!

Alas, the good I have neglected to do!

For if it is necessary that by evil works

God should be displeased;

then it is impossible without faith,

205

which counts for nothing without good works,

to please God.

*

But if ‘the just man lives by faith’,

whoever has no faith is dead.

But those who are sterile in good are dead;

210

then how much more dead are those who are fertile in evil?

For if ‘the tree that does not bear good fruit’

is cut down, as being withered;

that which bears bad fruit will even more

be rooted up as evil.

215

For this is death, not of the flesh, but of the soul.

How great and how much worse it is to die that death

than to die the death of the flesh.

For at the last all who die in human flesh rise again;

but all who die in the spirit rise not.

220

And that death destroys more by taking away a life

that perhaps can never be restored

than when it takes away life because necessity demands it.

It is worse to cease from a life of righteousness,

through which one loses the life of bliss,

225

than to let go of this miserable bodily life.

Finally and much more miserably does he perish

who goes forth from the life of the spirit,

that, if it had been preserved,

could restore to the body a better life in place of the life lost,

230

and without which it were better not to have been born,

than he who only loses the life of the body,

without which nothing prevents the soul from being blessed.

I live this unhappy life,

I am dead to that life of blessedness.

235

I live in that which is vile to me,

and I am dead to that which is better.

I am more dead than alive,

and I am worse dead than I shall be when I die in the flesh;

for that death will not be evil to me

240

unless the other precede it.

*

St Paul, I came to you as a sinner to be reconciled,

and lo, when I am in your presence

I find that I am a dead man to be raised.

I came as one accused, in need of an intercessor,

245

and I find rather that I am a dead man

needing to be restored to life.

As a wretch I came, and I find I am the most wretched of all.

I came to you as one living and accused;

and lo, before you I am dead and condemned.

250

Even if I am not yet handed over

to the torments of eternal death,

even now I am abandoned to the spiritual death

that draws to the other.

Even if it is not yet permitted that I be thrust down

255

into the prison of tortures,

already I am confined in a trap of sins.

For however much up till now

I may not have been buried in hell,

I am even now wound in the grave-clothes of sin.

*

260

Certainly neither could I pray, nor did I know how.

This was true, because I understood

that I was cursed by all things,

and I did not grieve, as if unfeeling.

I knew through my rational nature,

265

but I did not understand;

death had made me insensitive.

Indeed I was dead, and as a dead man I have come to you;

it is only now that I have realized that I am dead.

*

O God, who will pray for such a dead man?

270

St Paul, I have carried him before you;

do not turn him away;

pray on his behalf.

Lord, Elijah and Elisha brought the dead to life.

They joined themselves to the dead limbs

275

and brought the living from death.

Lord, these came to life by the living touching the dead,

and the dead only came to life to your glory.

Sir, you once said yourself that you ‘were made all things

to all men, that you might gain all’.

280

Friend of God, the example of others makes me bold,

your words draw me to have confidence.

So I say, ‘Sir, sir, come down upon this dead man;

stretch yourself upon this dead man;

make yourself not dead, but like the dead man.

285

Let the caress of your compassionate touch

make the dead man warm;

let the working of your power revive the dead man,

that the dead man may live to glorify God and you.’

*

Sir, you are not powerless to raise the dead,

290

for by the witness of God

the ‘grace of God is sufficient for you’.

For if when you lived on earth it was sufficient for you,

now that you stay in heaven

it will not be insufficient for you.

295

Why, sir, should what is offered to you

be any longer cast down,

dead without life,

when God attests your power

and you could attest his goodness?

300

Lord God, you said to Paul, ‘My grace is sufficient for you’.

St Paul, you said, ‘I can do all things’;

and see, the effect of your words is that this dead man

waits for this hope to be realized.

You have spoken, and hearing you the dead man hopes.

305

You have promised, and the dead man desires to pray.

You have spoken and by you it will be accomplished.

I beg you, let me experience the granting of that

which the world rejoices to have known through you.

If you do not refuse to speak,

310

why do you refuse to grant what is asked?

Or is there anyone to whom the dead man can more safely

be carried to be brought back to life,

if when he is offered to you, he is brought back dead?

To whom will you send him if you send him away?

315

Whither shall he go if he is sent away from you?

O God, who can bring back to life if God does not?

From whom shall he receive back the life he has lost

if not from him from whom he first received it?

In whom is there hope if there is no hope in God?

320

St Paul, who will be good to the poor and sorrowful

if he who promised to be weak with the weak be hard?

Who will deign to pray for sinners if he disdains it

who proclaimed himself to be made all things to all men?

Or who will be heard if he is not heard,

325

to whom the grace of God is sufficient?

If goodness and power are deficient in him,

in whom is the grace of God sufficient?

*

O you two, what will move you if all this does not?

Who will take up that which I offer you

330

to excite your mercy if you do not?

Dead soul, what can you show about yourself

that is not sinful and wretched?

Yet I pray, repenting and grieving.

*

O, if he who came from heaven to call sinners to repentance,

335

and he who after him in this same thing

laboured more than all,

if these condemn a penitent soul because a sinner,

if he who came from the Father’s heart to carry our sorrows,

and he who called himself weak with the weak,

340

if they despise sorrow because it is wretched,

if he who gave himself over to death

that dead souls might live,

and he who asserted that he was made all things to all men,

if they reject this prayer because it is dead –

345

let it not be so, God, let it not be so.

Keep that away, let it not be so.

If it is so, compassion has perished,

If it is so, pity is dead.

*

O soul, thrown backward and forward –

350

when you sin you are thrown forward,

when you pray you are thrown back,

whither shall you turn?

Turn yourself to importunity.

To be importuned by one who suffers, this is what they seek.

355

They love those who lament unceasingly before them.

Then do you seek this,

and show this to them without flagging.

*

O St Paul, where is he that was called

the nurse of the faithful, caressing his sons?

360

Who is that affectionate mother who declares everywhere

that she is in labour for her sons?

Sweet nurse, sweet mother,

who are the sons you are in labour with, and nurse,

but those whom by teaching the faith of Christ

365

you bear and instruct?

Or who is a Christian after your teaching

who is not born into the faith and established in it by you?

And if in that blessed faith we are born

and nursed by other apostles also,

370

it is most of all by you,

for you have laboured and done more than them all in this;

so if they are our mothers, you are our greatest mother.

*

So then, St Paul, your son is this dead man.

Mother, this dead man is certainly your son.

375

Dear mother, recognize your son

by the voice of his confession;

he recognizes his mother by her loving compassion.

Recognize your son by his confession of Christianity;

he recognizes his mother by the sweetness of goodness.

380

O mother, you who again give birth to your sons,

offer your dead son again, to be raised up by him

who by his death gives life to his servants.

O mother, offer your son to him

who by his death, which was not owing,

385

called back his condemned ones

from the death that was their due;

that he may call back to him the life he has lost.

By baptism he was led out of death;

by barrenness and corruption he is led back into death.

390

O mother, well known for your love,

your son knows the heart of a mother’s goodness.

Show him to God,

you who have brought him back to life

and cared for him living.

395

Pray to him for your son, who is his servant;

pray to him for his servant, who is your son.

*

And you, Jesus, are you not also a mother?

Are you not the mother who, like a hen,

gathers her chickens under her wings?

400

Truly, Lord, you are a mother;

for both they who are in labour

and they who are brought forth

are accepted by you.

You have died more than they, that they may labour to bear.

405

It is by your death that they have been born,

for if you had not been in labour,

you could not have borne death;

and if you had not died, you would not have brought forth.

For, longing to bear sons into life,

410

you tasted of death,

and by dying you begot them.

You did this in your own self,

your servants by your commands and help.

You as the author, they as the ministers.

415

So you, Lord God, are the great mother.