Dear Jordan,
On the flight back to Iraq, your father poured all his thoughts and feelings into a handwritten sixteen-page letter. He mailed it as soon as he landed, but I did not receive it until two weeks before he died. There are passages I am keeping to myself—some embarrassingly passionate, some to protect family members’ feelings, some simply mundane—but on the whole the letter reveals too much of his exceptional spirit not to share.
Hello Ma,
I wanted to write you and tell you what a great time I had on my leave. It was absolutely great. We are truly blessed to have such a fun-loving son. He is a handful though. I hope you get some much needed rest. You were so tired. I don’t want you to go to work like that.
Please tell all of your friends thank you for their hospitality and support. I enjoyed their company.
I know Jordan will soon appreciate all of his clothes and the play station. I will miss him, so you know I have to come home soon.
My sister was being a brat about me coming home, especially for Thanksgiving. It’s not going to happen. I will be there to see you and Jordan. I am really not interested in being away from my family anymore….
I will find out what my options are when I get back to Fort Hood. We really have to pray about it. I would really like to be with you and Jordan. I’m tired of being depressed from leaving all the time. You think you can put up with me?…
I am being rude right now on the plane, but I have to keep the light on to write you. I have a lot on my mind.
Can we start a 52g college savings plan for Jordan in New York? Some states don’t have it. We’ll figure it out.
I will think of some goals for us, short-term and long-term. This is the first time I did not bring my prayer book with me when traveling. I guess I decided to give it a break. Sometimes I don’t know how long God wants me to wait for things I ask for, how patient I need to be. So far all of my prayers have been answered. The only thing, or one of the things I’ve asked for that hasn’t happened yet, is you and I getting married…. I want us to be happy together. One thing I don’t want us to be is parents that argue all the time.
I owe you an explanation for why I did not call you for weeks sometimes. I did what most people in my position do, put my job before my family. I was having some issues at work that I really needed to clear up before we deployed and training that required a lot of my time. I was miserable and thought about you every day. I felt that I had 104 soldiers that needed me to be there for them to make sure they were ready.
I don’t think you will ever understand. They look at me like Jordan looks at you when you put him in the water. I have to be there so they can see me, know that they are doing good, that I am there to support them.
I only have until March before I am finished working in this position. Though rewarding, I have made some sacrifices that I have regretted. I regret I could not make it to your doctors’ appointments, or hold your hand and comfort you when jordan was born. I was really disappointed that I had to miss that. I’m the one who missed out.
I am thankful that I was able to come before Jordan was born and help you get the room ready. Thank you, God. I don’t know if Jordan will understand. I could hope that he would.
You know that I used to imagine that you would have our baby. I could see you opening the door holding a baby, but I couldn’t see what the baby looked like because of the way you were holding him. So when I came home to visit it was exactly like I envisioned it. You were holding Jordan exactly the same way. He was old enough to turn his head and look at me. Isn’t that amazing I
Before I got home I guess I had the wrong idea about living and being needed, until I spent time with you and Jordan. I felt that I was worth more to you, Jordan, and Christina not being here. I thought it would be better for you financially. I was wrong.
Like you, I’m pretty good at my job. I have to fight a lot of battles with my boss when I feel something is not right. He’s a good sergeant major, always been there when I needed him. He was definitely a shoulder to cry on when Robbie died. He was there to help me bring him back to the base. Any time you are different you always have to prove yourself to be better than everyone else. I have worked hard to make up for my shortcomings. Being quiet is one of them, but when something has to be said I speak my mind, everyone here knows that.
I’ve had such a challenging and rewarding career in the army. They have even recognized me for my talent in art. That’s more than I could ask for.
It takes a special kind of woman to be married to a soldier. He’s always going on deployments or training, missing births, birthdays, and any special occasion you can imagine. You really have to be a self-motivated and strong-willed person. You spend a lot of time alone because he’s gone. It’s a tough job being a military spouse. Though we have had our differences you have always been therefor me. Thank you.
I look forward to seeing what my options will be. I have no reservations about moving to be with you and Jordan. It’s clear to me now what I need to do.
I know that we will be fine together. I want to be a good father and a crown to your head just as you will be my crown…. I trust you more than any person I have ever known.
What I have learned from being with you is that there is nothing God won’t do for you and that the sky is the limit for us. Write it down, pray on it, and believe. God will do the rest.
Thank you for the great baby shower. Who would have thought of doing something like that for me? It’s good to know that I’ve seen all of your friends and that I know you are in good hands.
Besides the passion, I have to let you know what else is on my mind. You are doing a great job of being a mommy. I am so proud of you. Daddy will be home soon to help with everything.
I love you,
Charles