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Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
—1 Timothy 4:12
OUR PARENTS HAVE ALWAYS said marriage is the most special gift from God next to salvation. Even after the many exciting years and struggles of raising nineteen kids and counting, they are still deeply in love and committed to each other. They made a lifelong vow to God to stick together until “death do us part.”
When Mom and Dad were married on July 21, 1984, they were both really young. Mom was seventeen, and Dad was nineteen. Their marriage from the beginning was focused on sharing God’s love with others.
Mom and Dad have said there are two main keys to maintaining a strong marriage.
1. Being willing to say “I was wrong.”
2. And asking “Will you please forgive me?”
They also have committed to never go to bed angry but to make things right in the day an offense happens.
Mom and Dad’s engagement picture, 1984.
We have seen the blessings of a God-centered marriage through our parents’ example, and all of us do desire to one day marry. But simply getting married quickly just to be married isn’t a goal for us. We want to wait for the one God has created for us and get married in His timing.
Our family gets a lot of letters and e-mails with questions about our family’s beliefs and practices related to marriage—or, more accurately, to the process we prefer to follow leading up to marriage. We call it courtship—or dating with a purpose—and that’s something we’ll discuss in this chapter.
FULFILLING THE CRAVING TO BE LOVED
ABOUT THE TIME WE entered our teenage years, Dad told us a story about a girl he went to school with in elementary and junior high school who was boy-crazy. He said she would have a boyfriend for a week or so, and then something would happen and she would get upset and break it off with him. Then, a few days later, she would have a new boyfriend, and then she would switch to another, then another.
Dad said this cycle went on for years. (No, our dad was never one of her many boyfriends!) He said he wondered at that early age if eventually this girl would find Mr. Right or if her habit of throwing herself into relationship after relationship would prove to be preparation for a future unstable marriage.
Sadly enough, when this girl finally got married, it didn’t last long, and that same pattern of discontent, insecurity, and self-centeredness that had affected her dating also affected her marriage.
We have met some girls who have simply fallen in love with the idea of marriage and are just looking for a guy to fulfill their dreams. They have an image in mind of what marriage is, and they are in love with that image. One girl told us recently, “I was in love with the thought of being in love, and it consumed my every waking hour.” This is one of the greatest dangers of romance novels. They paint a picture of an unrealistic, unobtainable relationship. It’s the same thing pornography does to men. Viewing pornography gives them a distorted view of women that leads them down the path of immorality and guilt.
Perhaps the biggest problem with pornography is that it never satisfies and instead creates an unrealistic expectation of what a woman’s body looks like. No woman can live up to these Photoshopped and airbrushed images because they are not real. And no man addicted to pornography will ever be content with a real woman because the woman he’s looking for does not exist.
Men who feed their minds on pornography start looking at women as sex objects to fulfill their out-of-control desires instead of looking at women as someone to be protected, loved, and cared for. They become self-centered, and when they start a relationship, their focus is on what they can get out of it instead of what they can put into it. This mind-set eventually leads to the destruction of what could have been a fulfilling marriage.
How horrible! No girl would want to be married to that kind of husband. And yet when a girl reads romance novels, she’s doing something very similar, drawing perfectionistic, romantic pictures into her mind of what she thinks marriage is. Soon she’s longing for this “ideal” marriage that she has created in her mind, and she does everything she can to get it.
So many girls look to boys and marriage to give them what only God can give: satisfaction, security, happiness, fulfillment, and lasting significance. Girls must realize that no man can ever give them these things 100 percent of the time. Even the best men will mess up, and if we’re relying on them to be perfect, we will become bitter and disillusioned when they don’t measure up.
It’s important to understand that God created us with an inborn need to be accepted and loved. If you’re a living, breathing person, you want someone to share your day, your passions, your desires, and the depths of your heart. But the truth is, marriage itself cannot make you truly happy. God put that deep need to be loved and accepted in our hearts so that He could be the One to fulfill it.
When you look to marriage for what only God can give, you make an idol out of marriage. The dictionary definition of idolatry is “an extreme admiration, love, or reverence for something or someone.” Boys, marriage, and love can become idols.
God wants us to have a wholehearted relationship with Him, delighting in His Word and all that He has to teach us. When we understand that He is trustworthy and faithful and that He alone knows our every need, then we know where to look for deep love and full acceptance.
When we have this kind of close, loving relationship with our Creator, we can experience a joy and fulfillment that would be completely missed if our lives were consumed merely with finding our Prince Charming.
This also means that someday, when we do meet the man God intends as our husband, we’ll already be fulfilled, and any love that future husband gives us is a bonus over what we’re already receiving from our relationship with the Lord.
As teenagers and young adults, we need to cherish these single years when we are able to put our focus on serving God and use this time to its fullest. Mom has told us older kids many times, “If God gives you a full, seventy-year life, your time as a single person is very short compared with the time you’re married. Be content with every stage of life and wherever God has you; use your time wisely and invest in things that will last for eternity.”
Our family definitely keeps busy and experiences all kinds of different rides, but riding camels in Israel was something we never expected to get to do. It was fun!
Her words remind us to use these single years wisely as a time that can be fun, exciting, and fruitful with opportunities to teach younger girls, serve the elderly, volunteer in the community, go on mission trips, and seek out ways to bless others through ministry. These years should be devoted, first and foremost, to strengthening and solidifying our relationship with God and understanding who He is and who He has created us to be.
DEFINING THE PURITY RING
THIS DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE to ignore the fact that God has created us to have a natural physical desire toward men. When these feelings arise, we thank God for making us “normal.” Within a godly marriage, this kind of desire can be a wonderful blessing that bonds the husband and wife together in the way God intended. But during our single years, this physical attraction, if not carefully controlled, can also be one of the biggest sources of temptation and struggles.
One way our parents have helped us understand the principles designed to keep us pure is by giving all of us older girls purity rings. The rings were special gifts we received when the four of us were in our early teenage years (because our family didn’t become aware of this relatively new practice until then). Mama selected some very special rings from her jewelry box for each of us to choose from. Jana’s ring has one red sapphire surrounded by tiny diamonds. Jill’s is a beautiful pearl. Jinger’s ring has a heart design set with a small diamond. Jessa’s is a beautiful solid yellow gold band.
To each of us, the ring has a fourfold purpose. First, it’s a symbol of our commitment to keep ourselves physically pure as we wait for the one God intends for us to marry. Second, it symbolizes our desire to involve our parents in our decision of a life partner. Third, our ring reminds us to pray for the man God would have us marry and to guard our own heart so that one day we can share it fully with him. Fourth (and most important), it’s a reminder that God is the true fulfiller of all our desires and also a reminder to cherish our relationship with Him and live purposefully between now and the time He sees fit to bring that man into our lives.
A few years ago, about the time our younger sister Joy was turning twelve, Mom and Dad prepared a special time when they could help Joy celebrate her entry into womanhood. Mama got Joy some special gifts—makeup and other girly things—and talked with her about the changes she was going through. She told her she wasn’t a little girl anymore and that the physical and emotional changes she was starting to have are completely normal—a part of the change from girlhood to womanhood.
Then she and Dad went shopping with Joy to select her purity ring, and afterward they went to lunch together, and Dad explained that the purity ring symbolized her decision to keep herself pure and wait for the one God has for her. Meanwhile, they discussed how she could prepare herself during this time as a growing young lady to become the kind of woman a godly guy would desire to marry.
Dad has asked us girls, “What kind of girl do you think a godly guy will be attracted to?”
The answer is, a godly girl. That’s what he and Mom are continually encouraging each of us girls to become. We know that a godly girl is not someone who has lived a “perfect” life but is someone who has received God’s forgiveness and is seeking to put the past behind her and choosing to live every day for Him. Some of the greatest people in the Bible were those who had made a lot of bad decisions earlier in their life, but then God got a hold of them, and they completely turned over the rest of their life to following and serving Him.
FIGHTING TEMPTATION
MANY TIMES, PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY teenagers and young adults, confuse love with sensual desire. It might even be called lust, an urge based not on genuine love but on feelings, emotions, and a desire for pleasure. If a girl allows herself to be consumed with sensual desires, most likely she will attract a guy with the same wrong desires. These attractions may have little to do with character or godliness; instead, they’re usually based solely on a person’s looks and his or her witty or “flirty” personality. These relationships are based on nothing more than sensual attraction. They are usually short-lived and often result in great emotional pain and heartache.
A test of lust versus true love is that lust can never wait to get, but love can always wait to give. It is important to wait for the one God has for you and to wait for His timing to bring you together.
Sometimes it’s easy to start dreaming, Could he be the one? when first meeting a guy without knowing his character or really anything about him. And if a girl becomes jealous or angry when the guy she likes starts a relationship with another gal, their relationship was not genuine love. Genuine love says, “I want him to marry the one God has for him, even if that means it isn’t me.”
If a girl gets emotionally attached to a guy and can’t wait for him to pop the question but feels she has to push him along, she should remember, True love waits. If it’s God’s will, He will work things out in His time. When we say true love waits, we mean that couples should not act like they’re married when they’re not or share physical intimacies that married couples share. Also, it’s important to never consider living together until you married, as this is clearly not God’s will. If a guy is pressuring a girl to live with him or to experience things that are meant to be experienced only in marriage, that’s not true love; it’s lust. True love waits.
Our parents have been a huge help to us in all areas of our lives, but their counsel has been especially valuable as we sort through the issues related to becoming a woman and as accountability partners when we are having struggles or going through a challenging time. It’s important that we seek counsel from our parents (or another trusted adult) because we know they love us and want only what is best for our lives.
If one of us Duggars is struggling with any kind of temptation, we share it with our parents. Mom will wisely ask us, “Who do you think put that thought into your head?”
We know the answer is Satan. Our parents have stressed that it’s not a sin on our part if Satan randomly throws an impure thought into our heads, but it is a sin to dwell on the temptation. Don’t send yourself on a guilt trip because you’re being tempted.
It’s freeing to know that as long as we’re not bringing these struggles on ourselves by actively pursuing things we shouldn’t or having a curiosity for things we shouldn’t, we are not in the wrong. It’s what we do with this wrong thought from the devil that determines whether we are sinning. Dwelling on it is a sin, and it can lead us to give in to the wrong desires they create.
Dad says you can’t do anything about the birds that fly in the sky above your head, but you can do something about a bird building a nest on top of your head. In the Bible, Paul talks of taking every thought captive. Basically this means being able to control what’s going on in our mind. By censoring our thoughts through the filter of God’s Word, we will be able to recant any wrong thoughts or temptations that try to sneak in, and throw out the lies the devil is sending our way.
When our older brother John-David completed training to become a volunteer with our local fire department, Jill, shown here, and Jana decided to volunteer, too.
One of the things Jana and I (Jill) learned during our firefighter training is that the quicker you respond to a dangerous fire, the less likely it is to cause serious damage. The same thing happens when we quickly respond to a “fire” sparked by a sinful thought that pops into our heads. Dad gave us a great idea for a quick response when tempted: he suggested we immediately use that as reminder to pray for someone else who needs God’s help. We talked about this idea of having a “prayer target” in chapter 2. In this way, what Satan means for evil, we use as a reminder to do good. We like to think of it as a live hand grenade coming our direction, and before it explodes we quickly pick it up and throw it right back at the devil.
Satan has been recycling the same basic temptations for the past six thousand years, but since he is the master deceiver, he tries to deceive us into thinking we’re the only ones who struggle with the wrong thoughts or desires he sends our way. In reality, the temptation to lie, steal, cheat, bully, gossip, and think wrong thoughts has been around since the first couple, Adam and Eve, gave in to temptation in the Garden of Eden. The problem of temptation and sin has continued to the present day, which means your parents probably faced many of the same problems you’re facing now, right down to the problem of feeling all alone and thinking your parents don’t understand.
They understand a lot more than you may think they do. They understand that this time in life can be very intense—because they undoubtedly went through similar struggles when they were your age. They know about the many physical and social changes you’re experiencing, including the wrong thoughts and other temptations Satan will put into your head.
Another bit of good news is that, as Christians, we’re assured that God will not allow into our lives more temptation than we can bear. First Corinthians 10:13 says, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”
Even though sometimes it seems a temptation is just too strong for us, we can overcome it if we receive the grace God offers. Because “with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). God will provide a way to escape temptations, and one way He does that is by providing parents or other trusted adults who understand what we’re going through and can provide insights, encouragement, and guidance.
This is key when we’re struggling in any area of life because Satan’s power to keep us making the same mistakes is based in the secrecy of our sin. When secrets are brought to the light and we make ourselves accountable, it’s much easier to find victory. All things start in the mind and grow into actions, and there’s almost nothing our human mind won’t try to rationalize away. But God’s law is written on our hearts, and we still have a conscience that convicts us when we do wrong. It’s vital that we learn how to have victory over temptations because continuing down that wrong path will only lead to trouble and heartache.
You may feel that right now your parents don’t understand you and your turbulent thoughts and feelings, but we urge you to give them a chance! Ask them for help; ask them for advice. Be honest and open with them about what’s on your mind and what you’re walking through.
If you have already gone through a devastating trial from a past relationship or other wrong decisions, we want you to know that our Creator is a God of forgiveness and grace. If you turn from your sins, ask Him to forgive you, and commit your life to following Him, He will make you a new person and give you His desires, His dreams, and His goals for your life. Then guard your heart carefully against future intrusions of lust and instead fulfill your natural need for love and acceptance with the boundless love of God.
Romans 13:14 says to “make not provisions for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.” That means we’re to avoid (or stop) reading romance novels, teen magazines, and watching TV shows and movies that will stir up these sensual drives. Also, don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re alone with a guy, because bad things can happen. If you’re in a relationship right now with someone who does not have a spiritual focus, talk to him about the importance of centering your relationship on God and waiting on the physical components until marriage. If he’s not interested, ask God to help you let go.
If you stick with someone who spiritually is like a dead horse, you will hinder God’s work in his life and your own. Grandma Duggar has always said, “Many girls think they can alter a guy at the marriage altar,” and then she adds, “very rarely does that work! If a guy is not a spiritual leader before you marry him, marrying him will not change him.”
GUARDING YOUR HEART
WHEN WE COMMIT OUR life to God, we’re saying, “Yes, God, I want You to guide me.” We give God the position as “boss” and “ruler” of our lives, and we release the “steering wheel” to His control. But there may be times when we begin to fear that if certain things are left up to Him, they won’t turn out the way we want them to. For instance, we may wonder, What would happen if I truly gave God control over my love life? And we may start to worry that He’ll call us to be single till we’re thirty! But when we hold something back, we’re really taking control of the “steering wheel” again and trying to find our own path. This will only do us harm.
Shortly before Mom met Dad, she had a boyfriend who was a popular football player at her school. When she became a Christian at the age of fifteen and was so excited about the things of God, she tried to talk to this boyfriend about her newfound faith, but he didn’t want to hear it. Mom struggled with the thought of breaking up with this guy—until she went to see the school counselor, who was also a Christian.
It wasn’t like Mom had been resisting God altogether, but this one area—her boyfriend—was something she was hanging on to. She says that when she gave her life to God, she opened the door to her heart and said, “God, I want You to come in and take control.” But as God began to convict her of different things in her life, it was as if she thought about her boyfriend and said, “I don’t want to give that up!”
It was as though she built a little closet, put the boyfriend in there, and then said, “God, here’s this area of my life that I’m willing to give up for You: music, movies, and clothing styles.” But it felt as if God bypassed those things and went straight to that little closet and began to knock, asking, “Are you willing to give Me this?”
The counselor asked Mom, “Michelle, are you trusting Jesus to take you to heaven when you die?”
Mom responded, “Yes!”
“Then don’t you think you can trust God with your love life?” he asked.
Mom said she’d never thought of it that way. She realized that God was more concerned with her future than she could ever be and that if she could trust Him for salvation, she could surely trust Him with the guy she would marry. So she prayed and said, “God, if this is not Your will, please make it easy for me to let go.”
And God did. That next week they broke up, and just a few weeks later, God brought Dad into Mom’s life.
The Bible tells us, “Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding our hearts must be important if the Bible says our very life depends on it! So how do we guard our hearts? We begin by taking every dream and desire to the Lord in prayer and believing and trusting that His plan for our lives is best. His plan, carried out in His timing and His way, will bring us into the marriage He intends for us—if He intends marriage for us.
While we wait for God to bring the man He intends for us to marry into our lives, we strive to harness that desire for marriage and use and direct those energies toward impacting the world for Him. The way we serve God is by ministering to and serving others.
The Bible tells the stories of those who achieved great accomplishments for God during their youth. We can learn so much from them! For example, Daniel was taken captive as a young teen but counseled four kings and was made ruler of one of the largest empires of his time, all because he honored and served God in his youth.
Visiting places like Honduras and sharing the gospel with villagers is a ministry opportunity our family greatly treasures.
God used a young woman named Esther to save the entire Jewish nation.
At age seventeen, Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery, and yet God later used him powerfully to save Israel and Egypt from famine.
God is able to use you to do great things for Him, too. Devote yourself to serving God, and even though you are young, He can use you to impact the world for Him.
INVOLVING OUR PARENTS IN OUR LIFE-PARTNER DECISION
DURING THESE YEARS AS single adults, we want to prepare for the time when God brings the man He intends for us to marry into our lives. This includes studying the Bible to gain principles and standards that will be foundational in our future marriages. It is also important to seek counsel from the ones who love us most (our parents and siblings) and get their advice on any guy we think might be a potential mate. They will be able to examine the guy more objectively than we can because they want what is best for us and will be able to identify character deficiencies that we might overlook. As the wise saying goes, guys can see through guys like girls can see through girls.
Oftentimes, when a girl becomes emotionally attracted and attached to a guy, she begins to look at him through rose-colored glasses. But then once she’s married, out comes the microscope! The problems were probably there from the beginning, but she couldn’t see them because of her emotional attachment.
If a guy catches our eye or shows some interest in one of us and we think he might have some potential, we probably would ask Dad or one of our older brothers what they think of him and get their advice. If it becomes clear this interest is mutual and growing, the guy is directed to talk to our dad, who then is able to go over certain things with the guy and determine his character and goals in life. He may want to know things like . . .
• Is he a believer in Jesus? Does he know and love God?
• Does he have a vision for his life of doing great things for God?
• Is he free of all harmful addictions such as pornography, alcohol, drugs, immorality, etc.?
• Is he given to anger, lust, bitterness, greed, or envy?
• Is he wise with his finances?
• Does he love children? (The answer to this one is probably apparent as soon as he steps foot on Duggar property!)
• Is he a man of character, showing initiative, creativity, diligence, enthusiasm, and wisdom?
• Are both sets of parents giving their full and unreserved permission and blessing for their children to pursue this relationship?
• Does he have similar convictions and standards to ours? (How long has he had them? Some lifestyle choices are just opinions and flexible; others are nonnegotiable.)
• Has he been married or in a relationship before? (If he has made a marriage vow to another woman, he needs to keep that vow!)
• Is his passion in life for earthly money or for eternal riches and rewards?
• Does he accept me just the way I am?
• Could I say he loves God more than he loves me? Will he draw me closer to God?
• Does he love me?
If a young man comes to visit our family, he might just be invited to join in a game of Monopoly—one of our favorite games.
If Mom and Dad agree that the young man has a heart for the Lord and a potential as a future spouse, then we will invite him to visit our family so we can get to know each other in our normal life (group) setting. And we’ll also hope to visit him in his family setting as well.
UNDERSTANDING HOW COURTSHIP DIFFERS FROM DATING
THERE ARE SOME VERY real and very purposeful differences between courtship and dating—and we believe the principles of courtship result in wise and safe choices.
1. Real-Life Settings
Getting to know the special young man we’re interested in within a family setting is one of the biggest differences in dating and courtship. A danger of modern dating is that it is typically two young people, alone, enjoying an activity. Usually a guy invites a girl out to a nice restaurant or some fun place or event. They enjoy a carefree time without the responsibility of the normal tasks and pressures of life. For instance, if a guy invites you to have dinner at a restaurant, someone else makes your food exactly to your liking and then clears your dishes for you while the guy looks deep into your eyes and says whatever nice things he thinks you want to hear.
Now, all of us would surely enjoy a few romantic dinners later on, but first we want to get acquainted with our young man in a normal family setting, where we’ll be watching to see how he treats our brothers and sisters. We want to see how he reacts to normal family events, such as Josie accidentally spilling her milk in his lap, Jackson unintentionally ruining his board game, or Joseph trouncing him in a basketball match. We need to know how he handles frequent interruptions such as Jennifer and Johannah racing through the room on scooters, intruding on his conversation. We want to see how he interacts with the other kids if we have to excuse ourselves momentarily to help Mom or Dad with something.
It’s pretty easy for a young man to put on a show of good conduct during a romantic, one-on-one date. We want to know if he’s willing to work hard and build a solid relationship amid real-life scenarios.
And here’s another biggie: how a man treats his parents and siblings (as well as our own) shows us how he is likely to treat his own future family. You simply won’t see that by spending time alone with him.
We saw a good example of how family interaction can reveal someone’s character a few years ago when we were traveling out east and some friends invited us to their house for a big gathering. That afternoon, a young man and his younger sister joined a few of us in a game of volleyball. As we were playing, the guy’s sister went for the ball, but she slipped in the sand court and instead of hitting it over the net she caused it to bounce out of bounds. The young man said some demeaning things to his little sister, and a while later he actually threw a ball at her, just being mean and frustrated.
A “real-life” setting for our family might include our whole family having an adventure in a speedboat.
All of us Duggar girls took note of how he treated his sister. And to be honest, we were shocked. Dad saw what happened, and he cautioned the young man, “If you treat your sister that way today, you may well treat your wife that way someday in the future.”
The guy simply laughed off Dad’s warning by joking, “Well, my wife will just have to learn to get out of my way.”
The guy evidently didn’t learn anything from what happened that day. But we sure did!
2. Accountability
Another difference between dating and courtship is accountability. When you’re alone with a guy in a dating situation, with no one else around to hold you accountable, it’s easy to put yourself into physical and moral danger and give in to those emotions or sensual thoughts that promise pleasant, but only temporary, fulfillment. Please don’t put yourself in this situation!
Here are some cautions to think about before putting yourself in a situation where you are alone with a guy:
First, if a guy cannot control himself with you before he is married, how are you going to trust him around other women after you marry him?
Second, once you open the door to being alone and enter into a physical relationship before marriage (kissing, touching, physical intimacy), you are allowing your partner to unwrap a precious, special gift that God intended you to hold on to until your wedding day, and you’re also creating a lot of guilt and distrust, and you won’t be able to fully enjoy the pleasure of the sin because of all the guilt it brings.
Third, an analogy Dad uses is that, as young children, he told us not to go near or play in the street, not because he wanted to take away our fun, but because he didn’t want us to get hit by one of the many semi-trucks that drive past our house. In the same way, God has created physical intimacy to be a wonderful wedding gift for pleasure and bonding and to procreate children, but if it is done prematurely or with multiple partners, the very thing that was created to bring joy can bring sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, herpes, and human papillomavirus (HPV), which can cause infertility, cervical cancer, and a life sentence of pain and suffering.
HPV is just one of many sexually transmitted viruses, but it has recently become a notorious killer of women. According to the National Cancer Institute, “Virtually all cervical cancers are caused by HPV infections.” The American Cancer Society estimates that 4,030 women will die from cervical cancer this year. STDs like HPV also carry a high risk of being passed on to loved ones, including the woman’s husband or her children.
What could be worse than having to tell your potential future husband that not only did you not wait but that you also have a severely painful STD that he will likely get if he marries you?
Physical intimacy in marriage is pure, wholesome, and beautiful. Outside of marriage, it spreads disease, death, and destruction. Just as Dad gave us kids boundaries to protect us from playing in the street, God gives boundaries as well. He wants to protect us from these hazards, and He will give us an abundant marriage if we do things in the order and timing He prescribes.
Fourth, a baby is a blessing no matter how it is conceived, but it is a lot more difficult to raise a child as a single mom. A huge percentage of the guys who have gotten a girl pregnant do not take responsibility for the child or want to have anything to do with the girl once she is pregnant.
If a guy is pressuring you to have a physical relationship with him and telling you, “If you loved me you would do this,” tell him if he truly loves you he will wait until your wedding day and not steal your purity.
If you have already crossed that line, ask God to forgive you and then recommit yourself to staying pure from this point on until you get married. Several women in the Bible made major moral mistakes in their pasts, but they repented (that means changed their ways) and God used them in a mighty way in the future. Many times, Jesus said those who have been forgiven much love God and others in a deeper way because they are so thankful for all the forgiveness they have received.
If you are already pregnant, scared, and don’t know what to do, don’t allow anyone to talk you into taking the life of your child. Your baby is not a blob of tissue! Have you ever seen an ultrasound? About the time you realize you missed your cycle and wonder if you’re pregnant, your baby’s heart has already started beating, its eye and hair color are already determined, and its brain has already formed. It’s a baby from the time it is conceived.
Even though this is happening out of God’s designed order, He loves you both and will forgive you. Look online for a Christian crisis pregnancy center in your area, and the staff and volunteers there will assist you in this new phase of life. Don’t ever consider getting an abortion, with a surgical procedure or with the abortion pill.
Abortion might seem like a quick fix to a big problem, but we personally know several women who have done this, and they have said they regret ending the life of their baby; it haunts them every day. You cannot get unpregnant. If you are pregnant, take responsibility and take care of yourself and your baby, and God will take care of you.
3. Pre-Courtship
Another difference between dating and courtship is that dating may or may not have marriage as its goal. Often it’s just for fun, and for many young people, dating and physical intimacy go hand in hand. Modern-day dating tends to revolve around a self-centered relationship that is all about me: what makes me feel good and who makes me happy, satisfied, and “complete”—if only for a few moments. You may feel good or wanted for a little while, but pursuing these kinds of careless relationships will leave you feeling emotionally and spiritually empty in the end.
In contrast, we believe that the better alternative to casual dating is a pre-courtship (no-commitment) time period. In pre-courtship, if a guy and gal thinks they have some interest in each other, they can get to know each other in a group setting through activities before courtship is ever considered.
4. Official Courtship
Once they get to know each other and the guy and girl and both sets of parents are agreed that this appears to be God’s will, the couple can move into an official courtship, which is a commitment period and a time for the guy to begin winning the girl’s heart, with a potential end goal of a short engagement to plan a wedding, then marriage.
Courtship is a serious commitment and should only be carried out by those for whom marriage is a realistic possibility. Much care needs to go into making sure that this is the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with.
5. A Time of Observation
We’re often asked, “So when are one of you Duggar girls going to get married?”
So far, none of us has felt that it is God’s will or God’s timing to get married. We know that when Mr. Right comes along we will have a peace in our heart, and God will confirm it with our parents. Until then, we’re content in this phase of life, and we’re striving to live every single day for the Lord.
Dad has cautioned us girls not to give a hesitant yes to the first guy who comes along, out of fear that we may never get another guy. At the same time, we know we shouldn’t turn a guy away just because we have our sights set on someone else. Dad has encouraged us to not only evaluate a man’s character but also compare his personality type with ours and consider other things to see if we would truly be compatible.
So, in the meantime, we girls see this time not as a time to eagerly search for that perfect soul mate—but as a time to observe the characteristics in the young men we interact with.
It’s natural for every girl and boy, somewhere around the age of twelve, to begin noticing each other as more than just childhood playmates and start thinking more along the lines of searching for their future soul mate.
If a girl isn’t careful, she can gain an emotional attachment to a guy prematurely during this phase, and before either of them is ready for marriage, she will already be dreaming of his last name with her first, and what a cute couple they would make, and engagement rings, and wedding colors, and on and on.
So instead of getting wrapped up in the search, we want to share some of the things we’ve been taught to observe.
You can learn so much about a guy through simply observing his interactions with others—whether he respects his parents, how he treats his siblings, who his close friends are. And by observing his personal conduct—how he chooses to spend his time, what things he esteems, what things he laughs at, how he takes losses, if he is setting worthwhile goals or is just aimlessly wandering through life.
We can also learn a lot about a guy through wholesome communication and group interaction. Not on the flirtatious junior high level that shouts I like you but through meaningful conversations about history, politics, theology, and such. When we approach our friendships with guys on a less personal, more businesslike level, we’re able to spot things we would totally miss if we had already drowned out our reasoning in a sea of emotional attachment.
IDENTIFYING CHARACTER QUALITIES WE HOPE FOR IN A FUTURE HUSBAND
WE’RE NOT SAYING THE goal is to find a perfect person. As far as we know, no such person exists. We all make mistakes and need God’s forgiveness, and so will the young man God brings to you. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that an angry, self-centered man who is lazy and a poor money manager will suddenly evolve into Husband and Dad of the Century.
We’re also not saying he has to be the best-looking hunk of human flesh ever created. Sure, we all look at outward appearances and at first may be attracted to an individual based on his looks. But God urges us to see what He sees: the condition of the heart. Galatians 5:22 gives a great list of qualities to look for in a potential spouse. If a guy you are considering is not growing in peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, he’s just not a good marriage prospect, no matter how handsome or successful he seems! Remember, you’re considering not only what kind of husband you will have but also what kind of father your children will have.
A Godly Man, like Our Dad
What all of us Duggar girls hope for is a husband like our dad. (But we know that’s asking a lot!) Dad has demonstrated a selfless attitude over the years and has given of himself in so many ways, modeling to us the heart of a true servant, and that’s certainly something we would desire in a future husband.
At one time during their early married years, Dad worked multiple jobs to keep things afloat and to maintain his and Mom’s resolve that she would stay home with us kids. And even at the end of a long workday, he has always made time to play with his kids, no matter how tired or exhausted he may be.
He especially loves to do little extras for Mom and even us girls. On occasion he has taken us out for special father-daughter dates, and often when he’s getting something like flowers or a coffee for Mom, he’ll get something for us, too. Plus, while Dad makes the boys save up and buy a car of their own, it has been his goal to provide his girls with vehicles to drive, just as an extra expression of a dad’s love and care for his girls.
Dad would be the first to tell you that God has “grown him” a lot over the years. Growing up, Dad didn’t have much of a father figure himself. But when he was about ten years old, he was reading through the book of James and came across the verse that says, “If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God, which giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.”
Dad stopped right then and asked God for wisdom. He desired to be a spiritual leader for his own family one day. God heard his prayer and gave him wisdom and guidance. When he and Mom were married at a young age, God guided him through His Word, the Bible, and also allowed him to learn through the good examples of some other men at church.
Dad and Jessa enjoy a special treat together.
Today, Dad is not a perfect man, but he is a humble man, and he’s not afraid to admit his mistakes and ask forgiveness if he messes up. Dad is a man of character. He treats Mom with love and respect, he provides for our family, and he supports Mom fully in running our home. He praises her efforts, and he never belittles her, makes fun of her, or uses her as a negative example for anything.
He also makes his family a priority. Dad doesn’t own a bass boat, doesn’t take weeklong hunting trips with his buddies, doesn’t spend Saturday mornings on the golf course with his men friends. He says his children are his hobby, and he obviously loves being with us. He is our family’s spiritual leader—and also its number-one cheerleader. We just hope our children are as blessed by their father as we are by ours!
That would mean we desire the man we marry to be honest, hardworking, generous, and ministry-focused. It doesn’t mean we have our hearts set on marrying a pastor. A man doesn’t have to be a pastor to be in full-time ministry, because as Christians, we are to be a light wherever God places us. In our eyes, there is no difference between full-time ministry and being a Christian mechanic or a Christian doctor or a Christian politician. We need more men who are willing to proclaim Christ in the workplace and realize that there is no such thing as an off-duty Christian. We just pray that, whatever work our future husband does, he uses it as a ministry for God.
A Gentle Spirit
We’ve already mentioned anger as a red flag to avoid at all costs. But it’s such a destructive character flaw that we want to talk about it a little more before we move on. Our goal is to find a man who has a gentle, kind spirit—not one who regularly loses his temper and spews out anger. I (Jana) mentioned in an earlier chapter how sad it was for me to hear girl after girl during Journey to the Heart retreats say that her dad’s anger had caused what seemed to be irreparable harm and hurt within her family.
The truth is that all of us must learn to deal with our own emotions and feelings when something doesn’t go the way we hoped. The Bible says we should all strive to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). Often, the way a person responds to a situation is even worse than the situation itself. We recall an incident that happened years ago, ironically during fellowship time after church. Every week, it is our custom to share a meal together after the service and spend time, sometimes several hours, talking and sharing fellowship with other families in the church.
During the fellowship time one hot Sunday afternoon, Jill thought it would be fun for all the kids to have a water balloon fight. She made sure Dad was okay with the plan and then recruited younger brother James and a couple other siblings to help her fill several dozen balloons with water.
Finally they carried the buckets of balloons outside, and soon the water bombs began to fly. The kids had a great time: lots of shrieks and running and throwing with water splattering in all directions.
When a dad of a visiting family heard the noise and saw his children were getting wet, he came outside and exploded in rage, “Who said you could do that?”
Everyone froze as he continued to shout in anger.
Even though she was a rather confident sixteen-year-old at the time, Jill hid. His boiling anger frightened her. It frightened all the kids.
She later apologized to the family, and so did Dad, but the angry outburst made an impression.
Another memorable incident came about while we were on an outing to enjoy one of the Duggars’ favorite sports: broomball. It’s an offshoot of ice hockey but is played in tennis shoes instead of skates, and the goal is to get a ball into the net with something similar to a hockey stick. That means those lacking traditional hockey skills are welcome to play.
For several years we used to play broomball as a family at the local ice rink, which sets aside certain times for the game. Those sessions taught us that sports can reveal a lot about a person’s character, including his or her temper. Being competitive is great, but many times we saw fits of anger from some of those competing. One night a young man, furious after losing, threw his broomball stick, smashing it against the wall so that pieces flew in all directions. And the stick wasn’t even his!
We want to know right from the beginning if the young man we’re interested in has a problem controlling his temper because if he does, that’s something he needs to seriously work on before he even thinks of setting his sights on marriage.
Just as it’s helpful to us to see how a guy reacts when one of our young siblings spills a cup of chocolate milk on his new shirt, it’s also helpful to see how he responds in other situations, including sports. Is he angry or gracious in defeat? Does he fume for hours or congratulate the winner, put the loss behind him, and move on? Equally important is how he handles winning. Does he gloat and boast? Or does he shake hands with his opponent and offer encouragement?
Questions like these are more reasons why we believe in family visits and a variety of family activities during courtship rather than one-on-one dates. Don’t get us wrong. There’s a time and place for a romantic dinner date, and some good communication can be enjoyed in that setting. But a man’s character may be more apparent by observing him in everyday situations and interactions.
Chivalry
It warms our hearts when we’re around young men, including our brothers, who are courteous and quick to practice the fine old art of gentlemanly chivalry. Some women these days think that allowing men to help them with anything makes them appear weak, and they refuse to take a man’s hand to help them down a step or object to a man’s offer to help them carry a heavy load. However, a gentleman’s courtesy is not about women being weak or strong; it’s about men needing to be men. Gentlemanly behavior is cultivated as they learn to serve others and treat ladies as ladies. We encourage these efforts in our family—one reason being we know that somewhere out there, some good Christian girls are praying for the young man God intends as their future husband: a godly, courteous, thoughtful young man who might just turn out to be one of our brothers!
Every day, Dad seeks to model genuine chivalry for all of us. To the boys, it’s an example of what they desire to become, and to us girls it’s the mark of a gentleman and something we desire to see in our own spouse one day. Dad has always been sensitive and caring toward us kids, but he especially looks out for his girls. He made it known early on that the boys were to treat us girls with respect, and while we all enjoyed climbing trees or playing sports together, Dad would remind the boys we were not the chums who should receive a hard knuckle on the shoulder or a serious whack over the head during a friendly sibling pillow fight.
In all our travels, Dad especially looks out for his girls—making sure we are taken care of. Here we are in Nashville at the home of the Grand Ole Opry.
Dad always wants to demonstrate this kind of gentlemanly behavior for all of us, especially the boys, but sometimes he forgets. He asked us to help him with reminders when needed. Years ago, he was working on honoring Mom in several specific ways, including remembering to open the car door for her. He had always done this during the earlier years of marriage, but recently, since we’d outgrown our fifteen-passenger van and had to transport everyone in two separate cars, it hadn’t been happening as frequently.
Mom agreed to help him remember to do this by waiting and giving him the opportunity to come around to her side of the car. One afternoon they headed to the local paint store to pick out paint for one of our rental houses, and just as Dad got out of the car he got a phone call. Distracted by the call, he proceeded on toward the store and was almost to the door, continuing his phone call, when Mom, still waiting in the car, leaned over and gently tapped the horn.
Dad turned around, puzzled, and spotted Mom, laughing and waving from the front seat of the car. Dad realized he had forgotten to open the car door for her and came running to get her. We kids laughed so hard that night as they recounted the entire event to us.
Apparently the horn-honking worked. Now Dad almost never forgets to the open the car door for Mom or any of us girls—but these days our brothers often beat him to it! They are all striving to become courteous and thoughtful young men. When we were all at a restaurant recently, it was pouring down rain and Jedidiah jumped on his opportunity. He grabbed the only umbrella in the bus and, in groups of two, began escorting his mom and sisters inside. We didn’t take this for granted. We praised his efforts and told him, “Jedidiah, you’re such a gentleman. Thank you,” and he beamed at the compliment.
The other day when we were all outside enjoying a vigorous game of volleyball, Justin disappeared inside and then came out carefully carrying a tray loaded with cups of ice water. “Care for a glass of water, ladies?” It sure hit the spot, and we thanked Justin profusely for his thoughtfulness.
James must have been listening, because a few days later, he did the same thing, bringing everyone water when we were all outside on a hot summer day.
Members of the TLC film crew, who have become like older brothers to us, have also encouraged us to marry a gentleman. When producer Sean took us girls to coffee awhile ago, he opened the door for us and said, “Chivalry isn’t dead! Let me tell you something, gals: don’t even consider marrying a guy who won’t open the door for you.”
Now, if you came to the Duggar household today, you would probably find some elbows on the dinner table and maybe even a boy who forgot to wash the dirt from behind his ears. But the goal in our household is for guys to treat gals with the upmost respect and honor by giving up their chair, opening doors, and looking for ways to put women and children first. Respect means a lot in our family, and courtesy counts.
Making a List
As we older Duggar girls (and boys) have entered this chapter of our lives, Dad has encouraged us to write out a list of things we desire in a future spouse. And no, this isn’t a place to write down wishes for “tall, dark, and handsome,” but to focus on character, personal standards, and other qualities. We already mentioned that some of the nonnegotiables are that he must be a Christian, and he must love Jesus as much as we do. He should have a love for children because the Bible says repeatedly that children are a blessing from God, a reward from Him.
In addition to being “slow to wrath,” he needs to be a good steward of his money with a goal of living debt-free within his finances. And then there are the other character qualities we desire in a spouse, including gentleness, deference, and gratefulness.
While this list serves as a guide in our evaluation of a suitor, the reason for writing it up is not so that we can constantly be comparing it to every guy we meet, hoping the “glass slipper” will fit and he’ll be our Prince-to-be! Dad has encouraged us to write out these lists so we can turn them around and use them to examine our own lives, asking ourselves, Am I slow to anger? Am I wise with my finances? Am I striving to display these character qualities in my own life? Everything we ask of others we must first demand of ourselves.
It has been interesting to see that the things that bug us the most about others’ lives are often issues we struggle with ourselves to some degree. For instance, if we are extremely sensitive to someone else’s arrogance, we should search our own hearts for an attitude of pride, whether it is in our achievements or in our voicing our strong opinions when it’s not our place to do so.
Dad has reminded us that as Christian young ladies, it’s vitally important that we always remember we have been adopted into the family of God, and our heavenly Father is the King of kings. It’s also crucial for Christian gals to understand that we cannot conform our patterns to a thoughtless lifestyle and still expect to somehow marry a godly prince. We need to always keep in mind that if we desire to marry a godly man, then we must strive to become the kind of godly girl a godly man will be attracted to. God desires to see us grow in character and live by His principles, and for us to have a strong relationship with Him—which is the best foundation and preparation any of us can make for a future marriage relationship.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT CHRISTIAN GUYS LOOK FOR IN A FUTURE WIFE
SO FAR IN THIS chapter, we’ve talked about what we girls are looking for in a future husband. As we were pulling together information for this book, we thought it would also be interesting to ask some of our guy friends what they are looking for in a future wife. So we sent out a little survey, asking fifteen of them to answer a few questions. Obviously, this was a small and totally unscientific survey, and it went to our friends, many of whom share our Christian beliefs. They range in age from sixteen to twenty-nine, and their professions range from farming and construction to politics and graphic design. One is an attorney. Another is a Marine Corps officer.
All of them said they notice how a girl gets along with her parents and siblings.
Some said they watch her attitude in responding to her mom and dad.
When we asked the guys to describe, in one word, the most important character quality a Christian girl can have, we got these answers: integrity, purity, respectfulness, virtue, charity, and faith.
One guy said the most important character quality is “that she’s genuine. Someone who’s real in her love for people and in her compassion for others. Real in her heart for God and understanding of her own shortcomings.”
Most of them said the first thing they notice about a girl is something related to her physical appearance: most surveyed said they like girls to have longer hair, they like girls who smile, and they appreciate when a girl is modest.
We asked the guys to name some things they’re looking for in a girl. Here are some of their answers:
• Outgoing personality, not stuck-up, genuine love and loyalty toward her family, a girl who loves the Lord as much as I do and has a desire to share her faith.
• A girl who has a hunger and thirst after righteousness, one who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit.
• A girl who deeply cares about her faith (hearing and obeying the voice of God and fulfilling His purpose and calling for her life).
• Purity, ministry focus, compassionate spirit.
• A godly girl who honors her parents and who esteems motherhood.
• Is she sensitive to God’s Spirit? Is she serving the Lord in her single years? Does she dress modestly?
• Good communication skills, common sense, love for Jesus.
• Always seeking God and not a relationship. If she gives her heart to God then God will give her heart to the right guy. Does not seek attention from guys by being flirtatious.
• A sweet, compassionate girl who exhibits genuine kindness leaves a deep impression on me. . . . An equally important quality is faithfulness. It’s much harder to determine, but it’s probably the final determining factor for me. I need someone to faithfully serve God alongside me, faithfully hold me accountable, and someone to faithfully help me grow deeper spiritually.
• A godly girl (reading the Bible, getting to know God deeper each day, and involved in some sort of ministry—preferably music ministry). I like it when I see a girl having a servant’s heart and respecting her parents.
• A girl who demonstrates her love for God by honoring her parents, by treating her siblings like they are her best friends, and by being humble.
• Does she have a growing love for God, and are we on a similar path to knowing Him? Does her love of God form her character, values, and virtues? Can we help each other grow in the Lord?
• A godly, spiritually solid girl who has a good relationship with parents and a ministry mind-set!
• Does she have the character qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman?
Of course we needed chef’s hats to work in the pizza kitchen at Granby Ranch in Colorado.
TAKING A LOOK AT COURTSHIP IN ACTION
WE HAVE SEEN THAT when a marriage is brought together in God’s way and in His timing, His blessings follow. The way our oldest brother, Josh, and our dear sister-in-law, Anna, met and pursued marriage has been a huge encouragement to us as we wait for God’s best for us. We asked them to share their story of courtship in this book so that you might be encouraged, too.
Josh: As I grew older and began to realize that there were two different kinds of people in this world, men and women, my parents shared with me a story of a young girl who asked her father a question about that subject. Her father replied by handing her his suitcase and asking her to carry it. The little girl tried to pick up the suitcase but quickly said, “I’m not big enough to carry it, Daddy. It’s too heavy for me!”
Her father had illustrated his point. He told his daughter, “Some things are too heavy for you to carry right now, but when you’re older you’ll be able to handle them.” It was that father’s hope, and also my parents’ desire, that inspired them to train their children to guard their hearts and keep them pure, knowing the day would come when they would be able to carry that “suitcase.”
Anna: When I was thirteen, I first heard about the Duggar family through an article a friend sent our family. The Duggars had thirteen children at the time, and I thought it would be fun to meet them one day. Then, after the Duggars’ first show aired on cable television, some friends sent us a copy of the 14 Children and Pregnant Again! video. As my family watched it, I noticed how Joshua, then sixteen, talked about the importance of guarding his heart and waiting for someone who would really love him and wasn’t going to just get carried away with emotions. I was so excited to see another family who was brought up so similarly to the way our parents were training us. But never would I have dreamed what God had in store!
Josh: As I became a young man I was constantly tempted to have lots of wrong thoughts and often battled to keep my heart right. One of the greatest things that helped me in my struggles was my parents’ commitment to accountability. They were faithful to talk with each one of us children—if we were willing to share honestly and openly with them—to maintain a clear conscience. I learned quickly that great freedom can be achieved by accountability but that deep accountability requires humility and openness. I often had failures in my early teenage years but found that I had a clear conscience only when I was willing to confess my thoughts and temptations quickly to God and to my parents. (See 1 John 1:9.)
Anna: As I was growing up, my parents, like Joshua’s, always took time from their busy schedule to listen to each of us children and allow us to share our hearts. Over time, my two oldest sisters followed God’s principles and were happily married. It was so exciting to see the fruit that came after all those years of guarding their hearts and trusting God to lead them in His timing, and with the confirmation of both sets of parents giving their blessing. I realized the importance of sharing my heart with my parents and waiting for God’s very best for my life partner: a young man who was striving to do the same.
Josh: In early 2006, my family took our annual trip to the ATI Family Conference. I was busy working with the audiovisual team and had very little free time, but during one of the lunch breaks I ended up meeting some new friends. . . .
Anna: My siblings and I enjoyed meeting Joshua, and as we introduced ourselves I was amazed that he was able to guess our ages correctly! Usually people would think I was five to seven years older than I really was, and it was getting quite embarrassing. We talked for a while about their family’s political campaign and about their move into their new house. Josh mentioned that we would have to come and visit them sometime. I thought, That’s so nice, but we live all the way out in Florida. It would never happen.
As our conversation came to an end, I remember thinking, I’ve never met anyone else like this before.
Josh: My thoughts were very different from Anna’s! As we talked, I felt God speak to my heart that this was the girl I was going to marry someday! I enjoyed our fellowship and then resumed my schedule for the rest of the day. By that night I still couldn’t get Anna off my mind. I went to my dad and told him what I felt God had told me. He said he thought it could be a possibility, and then he asked if I felt ready to get into a relationship. I knew I had a lot to do to get ready if I felt marriage was in the near future.
Anna: I was surprised a few weeks later when my dad told our family that we had been invited to Arkansas to spend a few days with the Duggars! The first night at the Duggars’ home during family Bible time, Joshua shared his testimony. I was encouraged to see that he was a young man who was accountable to his parents and was striving to keep his heart pure.
My parents explained to us early on that it would be normal to have desires for a relationship, especially when we saw a young man who had the qualities we desired in a future life partner. While we were at the Duggars’ home, I noticed Joshua had many of those things I desired in a future partner. I began to commit those desires to the Lord and reaffirmed my commitment to wait on Him to clearly lead me and my parents in this area if it was His will. After all, I was good friends with the Duggar girls, and I didn’t want them to think that I was their friend just to get to their brother!
Josh: I enjoyed the Kellers’ visit and was able to talk some with Anna and also observe her interacting with my family, trying not to make it anything too noticeable to others. The day the Keller family left our home, I immediately talked with Dad again and told him I was sure Anna was the one for me. He agreed that God was moving us in that direction and counseled me to keep praying for our relationship. As we spoke further about the possibilities of courtship, he encouraged me, as an eighteen-year-old man, to begin diligently preparing spiritually and financially for the day when God would bring us together.
Anna: In 2007, our family made the trip from Florida to Texas again to attend the annual ATI Family Conference. During the time our families spent together, I felt God was showing me that Joshua was the one I would marry someday. In some ways I felt hopeful, but then again I thought there was no way it would ever happen. He wasn’t showing any girls (including me) any special attention; he just seemed busy, contentedly serving God . . . waiting for the right one.
Josh: After returning home from the conference, my brother and I began working toward opening a small pre-owned car dealership to buy and sell cars. Between work and family, I was extremely busy.
Anna: A few weeks later, Dad and I were out running an errand together, and while we were driving home he asked if there were any young men God had been speaking to me about. Dad had never asked me a question like that before, but I knew what he was getting at. So I told him I felt God speaking to my heart about Joshua. Much to my amazement, Dad said he believed Joshua was the one for me! He also mentioned that I should pray for him and his family every day. Then, about a week later, we had special company!
Josh: I called the Keller family and told them my dad, John, and I were going to be coming to Jacksonville, Florida, near their area the next day to buy a flatbed truck for my business, and I asked if they might possibly know of a place we could stay. Not only did we have a place to stay (at their home), but we also enjoyed some good fellowship with them while we were there. When we left, I could hardly wait to see them (especially Anna) again!
Anna: Just before they left, Joshua was talking to my mom and told her he was excited about starting his business and was looking for a house, trying to get ready for a family of his own. When I heard that, my heart jumped! My first thought was that he must have another girl on his mind. It seemed very hard after that to patiently wait on the Lord. I constantly reminded myself that I needed to trust God with my future and let Him dictate every moment of it.
Josh: After returning to Arkansas, I started working full-time with my business and preparing my heart and my finances for whatever the Lord had next for me. Then, in December 2007, Anna’s brother called and asked if I could help him with an Anger Resolution Seminar in a Florida state prison. I told him I would have to pray about it—and immediately felt God say, “YES!” The next month I found myself driving the nearly one thousand miles to North Florida.
Anna: I really felt I had given Joshua to the Lord and was content either way about the whole thing—until Joshua called and said he was on his way! Time and time again during Joshua’s visit I had to give it to the Lord. I still didn’t know if Joshua had any interest, but I knew God was more concerned with bringing the right man into my life than I could ever be, and that if it was His will, He would bring it to pass. I didn’t know it would be a lot sooner than I expected!
Josh: After the first week of seminars with Anna’s brother in the Florida maximum-security prison, we returned to the Kellers’ home. I couldn’t wait any longer; I knew the ball was in my court! After dinner and sharing the evening with the family, I asked to talk with Mr. Keller alone. Everyone else went off to bed, and I fumbled to put my thoughts into words and finally got them out: “I feel like God is leading me into a relationship with your daughter Anna. Could I have your permission to court her?”
Mr. Keller gave me some encouraging words and ended our discussion by saying that he would “need a month to pray about it.” I went to bed, and I guess sleep eventually came sometime that night because I remember waking up. Mr. Keller pulled me aside after breakfast and told me he had prayed about it. And though he wouldn’t quite say yes, he gave me a thumbs-up and said, “All the lights are green!”
Mr. Keller set me up with some projects to complete before a set deadline, such as memorizing several passages of scripture, and He also had me write out the top five character qualities I needed to work on in my life and record in a journal the progress I was making in these specific areas.
Anna: Over the next few days we had a great time of fellowship while Joshua was visiting. When he left, it seemed like it would be an eternity before we would see each other again. I was so excited when I found out my family would be taking a “vacation” to Arkansas at the end of June, just a few days after my twentieth birthday; I could hardly wait.
I often spent evenings crowded around the phone with my siblings, getting to know the Duggar family better and encouraging each other in the ways of the Lord. At the end of our phone call, we would always exchange prayer requests, and without fail one of the siblings (usually a Duggar) would have an “unspoken” request, and then everyone would burst out laughing. Needless to say, Joshua and I are grateful for the prayers of our siblings. My mom and I were also able to spend a lot of time together talking about marriage and being a wife, mother, and keeper of the home. It was a great time to learn and prepare for the future.
Josh: I wanted to make our engagement very special, and I knew the Keller family would be coming to Arkansas a few days after Anna’s twentieth birthday. About a week before her birthday, I called Mr. Keller and asked him for his permission to surprise Anna by flying down on her birthday and proposing to her. Mr. Keller gave his full blessing! We planned that I would fly in, and Mr. and Mrs. Keller would take Anna out for lunch without her knowing what was really going on.
Anna: When my parents said they wanted to take me out for my birthday I had no idea what was really planned. I was so focused on leaving for Arkansas in two days, I didn’t notice how nervous my parents were as we left for the restaurant. Then, a few minutes after we were seated and looking at the menu, I heard a young man say, “Happy birthday, Anna!” I looked up and was shocked to see Joshua standing there with a dozen Happy Birthday and I Love You balloons. I was so excited and so nervous, all at the same time. A few minutes later, Joshua slipped out of the booth . . . onto one knee . . . asked me to marry him . . . and I said YES!
Josh and Anna on their wedding day. A beautiful couple!
We thank God for bringing us together in marriage on September 26, 2008.
We want to encourage all you young ladies out there to wait and save yourself for the person God has for you to marry. When marriage comes, you will be able to say wholeheartedly with us, “It was worth the wait!”
MAKING SEVEN KEY COMMITMENTS
HERE ARE SEVEN KEY commitments you can make that will enable you to give your love life to God.
1. I will not date or court anyone who does not love Jesus as much as I do.
2. I will patiently wait on God’s timing to bring the man He has for me.
3. I will choose to save my body as a gift for my future spouse.
4. I will choose to not fill my mind with sensual material (R-rated movies or vulgar TV shows, bad Internet sites, teen magazines, and romance novels).
5. I will choose wise friends and wholesome activities.
6. I will share my heart and inward struggles regularly with my parents (or a loving Christian counselor).
7. I will give my love life to God and focus my time and energy on serving the Lord.
God has great things in mind for you. It’s up to us to wait on Him and trust His wisdom.