Gebele was still very busy, but he nevertheless found time to read Sabine’s letters to him and to reply to them. His days were very long. Sometimes he worked until after midnight and then began a long letter to Sabine, before starting work again at the crack of dawn. There was not much time for sleep, although he admitted he sometimes took a nap at lunchtime when work was finished. He knew it was not good for his own health, but for Sabine he was prepared to give up his sleep.
On this day, he was writing his letter outside in the sunshine and hoped she would also be outside when she wrote to him. The sunshine might give her freckles. He was glad Hetty was sitting next to her, writing out recipes during her last letter to him. This was considered a good way to occupy your mind and stop feeling hungry.
Gebele’s work consisted of piles of papers to do with the foreign detainees, but they would have to wait. Today Sabine was Gebele’s priority.
On the following day, Monday, April 9, all German nationals in the camp, as well as Spaniards, East Europeans, Poles and Sudeten Germans, would have to get ready to depart for Innsbruck, where they would be deployed as personnel, meaning, to act as guards for other prisoners evacuated from Mauthausen.
The evacuation was slowly getting nearer, Gebele said, since “our friends,” meaning the Allies, had already occupied Vienna and the surrounding areas.
The Russians were also approaching rapidly from the opposite direction. “The east Front is not going well,” Gebele wrote. Like the SS, he was very afraid to fall into Russian hands. Their reputation regarding their treatment of Germans went before them.
There were large transports in the last twenty-four hours. Some 16,500 people have arrived and are ready to depart again if the order comes. I am worried about you, my darling, because if things start to move, you may be stuck here, despite my efforts. But do not fear. I will make sure that I will stay behind with you if this turns out to be the case.
Gebele was worried about not only Sabine’s fate, but also his own. He wondered what the future held for him. Many problems, he feared. It would be bittersweet if a man of thirty-nine would have to give up hope and depend on pity and help from others. No, he was determined to manage. He could say, without boasting too much, that before his arrest, he had been a successful man. His colleagues had even spoken of a degree of genius in his achievements. “I have always achieved my goals and have never given up, in my professional life, nor while in uniform, or on a personal or emotional level. I always strived to reach my goal and have always been successful.”
Meanwhile, Gebele had taken steps to proceed with his plans to start up his dream business. He said he had entered negotiations via a Swiss firm to become a dealer of American cars. All in deepest secret, of course. In addition to that, he was researching an exclusive agency for typewriters and office equipment in Seville. He even had a written contract already, but of course it could be difficult for him, as a “bad German,” to do this sort of job, although, considering his excellent references from before the war, there should not be too many problems.
This brings me to a question directly relating to you, meine liebe Sabine. One I have asked you before, but which, so far, you have not replied to. Would you be prepared to act as my company chairman in such a business?
Considering the circumstances, this seems a premature request. Sabine’s sole preoccupation was how to survive the camp. Of course, another question is hidden in the first, the “big” question to which she had up until now not given him an answer: Was she prepared (with her mother too) to start a new life with him in another country?
This question preoccupied Gebele’s thoughts continuously, and her silence on the matter caused him great anxiety. Sabine had admitted that the relationship between them would have been very different if they had had some time to get to know each other, and Gebele did agree that with the lack of privacy and time, it was a problem that stopped them from surrendering to their feelings and longing for intimacy with each other. They were constantly surrounded by others.
He suggested he would make sure that during her next visit to him, they would be alone, hoping his secret wishes would be fulfilled, although he promised her that nothing would happen that she did not want to happen. “You cannot imagine what pain it would cause me to do something against your will.”
Sabine had replied that she couldn’t help that he was tortured by his desire for her. Although she had made clear to him that she trusted him and wanted to see him happy, she was not in love with him. It seemed unrealistic to her to form a lifelong bond that was based on an unequal partnership. She would find it difficult to leave him behind when she could finally leave herself, and it would be easy to give him his desired answer, but she could not bring herself to do so, although she had promised she would always think about him and she would look forward to a visit from him. But for Gebele, this was not enough—he literally dreamed of walking her down the aisle: “I held you in my arms at the Lido in Italy. We were on honeymoon and you were so in love with me. We were both so happy. Can this not become reality? I asked the flowers and they said: yes. I asked the stars and they said: yes.”
Gebele had already explained to Sabine how he would try and trace her via the newspapers, and he now also told her that he would ask communal friends there (did he mean Hetty and Dr. Steijns?) to put in a good word for him with Sabine and invite them to their wedding.
And if she still refused to say yes, then punishment would be “unavoidable.” He added, “You will feel very uncomfortable if I have to ask my German friends here to put in a good word for me with you. It is easier for you to say ‘yes’ now.” Did he mean his superiors? It was said supposedly in jest, but sounds more like a threat.
Dr. Steijns was also aware of the intrusive behavior of the man who saved his life and even dared to comment on it, but Gebele fended off his comment with another “joke”:
Doctor Steijns is here with me at the moment and he sends you his warm greetings. He hopes to see you again before long. He will personally make contact with you. He accuses me of trying to overwhelm you and wants you to be the judge in this affair. I therefore ask you, at this stage of the proceedings, to be lenient with me and award me a light sentence, Miss “Strafhof.” If you sentence me to a lifelong marriage to a certain Sabine Zuur from The Hague, I will confess my guilt and accept the punishment you mete out for the rest of my life.
The juggling act Sabine had to manage was getting more and more arduous as the end of the war was getting nearer and nearer. Despite his assurances that he did not want to put any pressure on Sabine, Gebele was becoming more desperate by the day at the thought of losing Sabine forever once she left the camp.
Sabine felt responsible for Hetty and Dr. Steijns, and the last thing she wanted to risk was putting not only her own life but also theirs in danger by rejecting Gebele.