17
LOIS SAT BY HERSELF IN THE SPOOK ROOM FOR DAYS ON END, HER Bible in her lap, listening to the March winds whistling through the eaves of the old house and wondering, perhaps hoping, that somewhere in those strong, breathlike gusts she might hear Bill’s voice whispering to her or feel his presence beside her.
If Bill was able to contact those on the other side during the many evenings they spent at “spook sessions” with their friends in this room, then why couldn’t he contact her? she would ask herself. Or why couldn’t she contact him, just to know that he was waiting for her and to let him know she would be along very soon? So she sat and listened and softly murmured how much she missed him and still loved him.
Harriet would bring in a breakfast tray filled with tea, toast, and cereal and place it next to her chair. It wouldn’t be touched. Later she brought a small sandwich and a cup of hot cocoa for lunch. She even tried to entice her grieving friend with a small portion of Southern fried chicken and creamy mashed potatoes for dinner. It would all simply sit on the tray and get cold.
“She wasn’t eating enough to keep a bird alive,” her housekeeper recalled. “She was already skin and bone so I called the doctor. She got angry with me but I wasn’t going to sit there and watch her die. I kept telling her that Mr. Wilson wouldn’t want that either.”1
Lois didn’t even answer the many telephone calls or see the friends who wanted to visit. She simply wanted to be by herself. She wanted to be left alone. In truth, she wanted to be with Bill.
Nell joined her on weekends. In her own loving way she began to force Lois to eat something, patiently spoon-feeding her at times while sharing the latest tidbits about AA and Al-Anon she had picked up at her job as chief archivist at AA World Services.
Soon spring arrived and Nell had Lois out in the gardens, quietly admiring the first crocus emerging from its long winter sleep and watching a family of deer drink from the rippling brook that ran down the hillside.
But while the hurt of not being at her husband’s side the night he passed away had now eased a bit, the pain of missing him was even more intense. She felt it each time she walked along a path near the house, each time she gazed toward his studio on the hill, each time she opened a dresser drawer or sat before the fireplace. He was all around her, yet he wasn’t. What reason did she have to go on? she asked herself. Why couldn’t it all simply end so she could be with her Bill once again?2
It wasn’t until one weekend in early May that she found the answer. She and Nell were seated on the screened-in back porch drinking tea. That’s when Nell broached the subject of the annual Al-Anon Family Picnic. Lois almost dropped her teacup. She had completely forgotten that the first Saturday of June was right around the corner, and if there was to be a picnic this year, preparations had to be made. And, as Nell reminded her, hundreds of Al-Anon and AA members and their families were anxiously waiting to hear from her. To see her. To be with her one more time.
That’s when Lois suddenly realized how selfish she had been in her grief. Certainly she missed Bill. She always would, no matter how much longer she lived. And the pain of missing him would always be there. But her sorrow had turned into self-pity, and her self-pity had isolated her from all those who needed to share her life, her love, her experience—and all those she also needed in order to feel well again, to feel whole and useful and to carry on the work both she and Bill had been chosen to do.
A few phone calls to Al-Anon friends turned out a horde of volunteers. They rented camp chairs for the front lawn, bought cases of soft drinks, hung signs, set up the loudspeakers and microphone, and selected the guides to show visitors around the house and grounds. Word soon spread far and wide, and even the weather forecast of severe thunderstorms and heavy rains dimmed no one’s enthusiasm. It rained before sunrise, but by noon the clouds had parted and the lawns had dried. Hundreds of Al-Anon, AA, and Alateen members gathered that day to bolster Lois, to salute their founders, and to share the blessings of sobriety with one and all. That was also the day when everyone became true believers that: “It never rains on Lois’s picnic. It wouldn’t dare.” And the truth is, it rarely has.3
This was to be the first time Lois would greet everyone all by herself. Tears ran down her cheeks when she spoke to the crowd about Bill’s passing, but she went on to assure those in all three Fellowships that her husband’s spirit was there among them and always would be. Anne Bingham then said a few words, as did several other Al-Anon, AA, and Alateen members. No one left Stepping Stones that day with a dry eye, but everyone left with a full heart, a renewed spirit, and an even greater love and respect for the lady who always opened her home to them and always would—even long after she had finally joined Bill.
The love and support Lois received that beautiful spring afternoon totally invigorated her, together with the several thousand cards and letters piled up on her desk, which she now began to read. Before long she was back out on the road, accepting invitations to speak at Al-Anon and AA conferences and conventions, both on Bill’s behalf and on her own.
One day the thought occurred to her that she and Bill had planned to visit AA and Al-Anon groups all around the world, especially those in far-flung places where the Fellowship had taken hold during the last few decades. So why not do it now? She almost sensed that Bill was urging her on.
The growing royalties from Bill’s book, which was their only income, could certainly underwrite such a venture. So, after speaking with Nell and a few other friends, Lois decided to pack up and take off.4 Lois had wanted Anne Bingham to join her, but Anne had recently moved to California to be near her daughter and also hadn’t been feeling well. So she invited her friend Evelyn Canavan, one of the early volunteers at the Al-Anon Clearing House and at the time a staff worker at Al-Anon World Services, Inc., which was then in New York.
Together, and with the help of other staffers, they contacted various groups around the globe. The response was immediate and enthusiastic. Every group wanted Lois to visit and speak about her own experiences, the founding of Al-Anon, and also about her and Bill’s life together and the start of AA. Regional meetings were arranged. There were many offers to help with travel plans, sightseeing tours, and a host of events that spelled the warmest of hospitality.
Although she had just turned eighty-three, Lois embarked on her journey with the zest and excitement of a teenager. Even Evelyn, who was fifteen years younger, was amazed. Their first stop was Africa and a tour of the wild animal reserves near Nairobi and Victoria Falls, between Zambia and then-Rhodesia. Lois’s “youthful exuberance” was evident every time she told the story about staying at a tourist inn called The Ark where buzzers and spotlights would wake you in the middle of the night when elephants and rhinos came to visit a waterhole within eyeshot of the facility. She would always add that the experience was only dimmed by not having Bill along with her.5
They were greeted in Johannesburg by a large and excited AA and Al-Anon delegation. When both Lois and Evelyn spoke later at a private hall, it was so crowded that people were standing in the street and sitting in the windows. Lois was delighted to learn that despite South Africa’s segregation policy at the time, AA and Al-Anon meetings were places where all the races could assemble together.
After a few days’ rest, Lois and Evelyn embarked on a six-day trek to Durban, a seaport on South Africa’s east coast. Once again, as they rode across the mostly barren land in a zebra-striped bus, they were awed by the thousands of wild animals—lions, tigers, zebra, apes, monkeys, ostriches, and antelope.
One of their saddest, yet most memorable experiences occurred in Durban where they were both invited again to speak before several large gatherings of AA’s and Al-Anons. These meetings were held in a small private hall since larger government-run facilities at that time did not allow blacks and “coloreds” to gather there. However, AA’s and Al-Anons of all races were permitted to meet as a group in private places. Since most of these facilities were rather small, members of the Fellowships eager to see and hear Lois were jammed into every nook and cranny and even crowded the streets outside the windows. Lois always spoke of the people’s warmth and hospitality and how they all held hands to close the meetings with a prayer.
Lois and Evelyn were also warmly welcomed when they arrived in Capetown, South Africa. From their hotel room they could look out toward the Cape of Good Hope and see both the Indian and the Atlantic Oceans. And the meetings in the city where they spoke were also filled to capacity.6
The Al-Anon globetrotters then flew off to Perth, Australia, where Lois shared at a large gathering of Fellowship members at a Franciscan monastery. She later told friends she felt the spirit of St. Francis was at her side. Flying into Melbourne, she arrived in time to speak at Al-Anon’s first conference of delegates in that city. The following day, however, she came down with a very bad cold and had to postpone their trip to Christchurch in New Zealand for almost a week. But when they did arrive they received a warm welcome.
Then it was back to Australia for a gathering of more than a thousand Fellowship members at the Town Hall in Sidney and a sumptuous dinner the following night with another throng at a rotating restaurant atop Sidney’s tallest building.
Hong Kong was next on the agenda, a crowded, bustling place where Lois and Evelyn gawked at people of every nationality walking the streets and merchandise of every variety lining the shop windows. Many of the members attending Fellowship gatherings where they spoke were American businessmen and -women working for the numerous U.S.-based companies on the island. Lois recalled that during one sightseeing tour she and Evelyn were able to see across to Communist China.
The next leg of their journey took them to a country Lois was eager to visit—Japan. However, one thing about the country greatly disappointed her at the time. She felt that in the nation’s rush to industrialize and modernize, the beauty she had seen in historic Japanese paintings and artwork had been somewhat distorted. In Tokyo, for example, she said all of the trees and shrubbery bordering the roadways looked alike. There was nothing unique or distinctive about them. She said they almost looked artificial. Nevertheless, Lois did find many spots of beauty, which she photographed and talked about on her return home.7
Since alcoholism was and still is a big problem in Japan, Lois and Evelyn found both the AA and Al-Anon meetings packed, although the turnout surely had to do with these two special guests. Lois said she would never forget the love and warmth showered on them by both the Japanese and American members who filled the rooms.
The two traveling ladies felt exactly the same way in Honolulu, the final stop and most fitting climax to their world tour. Lois said it seemed like every beautiful flower grown in Hawaii was hung around their necks by their grateful AA and Al-Anon hosts. The outpouring of their love was the balm Lois needed to fill her once again with deep gratitude and to further ease the pain of losing Bill. The memories of all the people they met and the places they visited on their global tour stayed with Lois for the remainder of her years.8
Lois’s suitcases were barely unpacked when she was back at the Al-Anon World Services office in New York catching up on things. She was particularly curious about the progress being made on gathering material for the Fellowship’s archives to maintain the history of the movement. This was a job she placed in the hands of her very good friend and longtime volunteer Ruth L., who then lived in nearby Chappaqua. She later became a member of Al-Anon’s board of trustees.
“Lois was twenty-five years my senior,” recalled the former trustee, “yet at times she had more energy and more excitement about her than anyone in the office. She was into everything, not just the archives. Lois was mainly interested in the development of Alateen. Until the day she passed away, she was focused on the welfare of the children of alcoholics, perhaps because she felt they were all her children too.”9 Ruth said Lois often talked about the very first youngster she heard speak at a meeting shortly after Alateen was formed. Something the shy, nervous teenage girl said struck Lois so deeply she quoted some of her words in a pamphlet she later wrote for Al-Anon.
“When Daddy stumbled up the steps late at night,” the young girl said, “my little dog Trixie would crawl under the covers at the foot of my bed and shake. I’d cover my own head and pray that Dad would make it up to bed . . . This stopped after Dad’s first AA meeting. I went with him to his second. So did Mother.”10
One of the projects Lois worked on the hardest was finding and encouraging Al-Anon members to serve as sponsors for Alateen groups, to explain the Twelve Steps and how to apply them to one’s own life. She was always disappointed when parents seemed unwilling to accept this responsibility. She once commented that AA’s are happy to sponsor fellow members and to serve at various functions and activities in their groups, but that many Al-Anons are unwilling to guide young Alateen members. In fact, some parents didn’t want their own children attending Alateen meetings.
Lois always felt this had something to do with some AA members fearing they would be “exposed” or talked about in Al-Anon and Alateen meetings. They didn’t understand that Al-Anon and Alateen members talk about themselves, their own problems, and their own concerns and are always advised to say little or nothing about the alcoholics in their families.11 In many families where there is the problem of alcoholism, children lose their respect for both parents—one for drinking and the other for enabling. Through the practice of the Alateen principles, she would explain, young members acquire a better understanding of the disease and its effects on them and their parents, which often leads to a rekindling of parental respect and a growing respect for themselves.
Recognizing that some children of alcoholics rebel against authority, get caught up in drugs and alcohol themselves, and can sometimes fall into criminal activities, Lois devoted much of her time and energy to helping them. She loved all children but especially those whose parents were trying to put the programs of AA and Al-Anon into their lives. And though many of the youngsters often felt lost and insecure, she believed that all could recover and find a good life. That’s why she was hell bent on making Alateen a strong and successful program.12
Ruth L. said it was about ten months after the world tour when Lois started to feel run down. So she went for a physical examination. Tests uncovered a small lump in her breast. The doctor said it was cancerous and that her breast had to be removed. “It didn’t seem to faze her at all,” Ruth remembered. “And it was amazing how she went through that operation so calmly and with such a positive attitude. You could tell she really had the Twelve Steps in her life. Maybe that’s why she recovered so well.”13
Four months later, Lois was making her excursions again to the Al-Anon office at least twice a week and was back on the phone trying to drum up Alateen sponsors. She soon had a full calendar, attending local Al-Anon meetings, speaking at conventions, lunching with friends, and entertaining visitors to Stepping Stones. Newly elected delegates from all over the country came and spent the day at Stepping Stones, as did the crowds of foreign visitors attending AA’s International Conventions. Lois permitted “anonymous” interviews with newspapers and magazines, but never television interviews or photography. She took great care to abide by Al-Anon’s principle of anonymity. It was always “Lois W.” at the level of press, radio, and television.
The sprightly senior citizen continued to travel widely. One of her favorite trips was to Palms Springs, California, in 1983, where she was invited to address the Chapter Five AA Group, which was made up of recovered motorcyclists, including many former Hell’s Angels members. One huge, grinning biker gave Lois his Chapter Five jacket and patch along with a note that read, “Since I gave you my patch, you are ‘my old lady.’” Lois was ninety-two at the time and proudly displayed the jacket, patch, letter, and a photo of the gathering in the upstairs room at Stepping Stones. They are still there.
Shortly after her return, Lois developed ileitis and colitis, an inflammation of the lower intestines and colon, which can be painful and debilitating. As a result, she was going to meetings less frequently and canceling luncheons with Ruth, Henrietta Sutphin, her dear friend who was then the executive director of Al-Anon World Services, and also Margaret D., editor of Al-Anon’s The Forum, now a magazine.
“She would have these terribly painful attacks,” Ruth recalled, “and just wasn’t up to going out as much. So I began to visit her more frequently at Stepping Stones, as did Henrietta and Margaret and many of her other friends like Bernadette B. and Penny B.”14Lois never feared growing old, only incapacitated. In fact, she used to tell everyone how much she looked forward to her hundredth birthday. But as she began to suffer the usual ailments of aging on top of her cancer and colitis, she became more and more concerned about the future of Stepping Stones after she died: the house, the property, and the priceless historical memorabilia related to the Fellowships. She had expected her husband to resolve the matter.
But when Bill had finally recognized the seriousness of his own illness and began preparing his last will and testament, he wanted to leave Stepping Stones and most of his income to Alcoholics Anonymous once Lois had also passed away. He had hoped that members could visit and gather there as they always had during his lifetime and continue to enjoy the beautiful house and grounds that God in His generosity had given him and his wife. And he expected that most of his royalties, after he left a few gifts for others, would be enough to maintain the estate. Lois was in complete agreement with his wishes, adding only that some of their funds go to Al-Anon.
Ironically, however, AA had to remind its cofounder that he and Dr. Bob had written a Tradition years before that precluded the Fellowship from owning property or accepting gifts of more than three hundred dollars from any single contributor. And the Wilson estate was now valued at more than half a million dollars, not including the continuing stream of royalty income from Bill’s writings. The Seventh Tradition covering the matter read, “Every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.”15 Perhaps Bill thought AA World Services would make an exception in his case. After all, he and Dr. Bob had created, nurtured, guided, and built AA into a worldwide organization. But they had also written and adopted the Twelve Traditions in order to protect the future of their creation. Thus, in its collective wisdom, AA decided it could not make an exception—and didn’t. So, as one AA old-timer put it, Bill did “exactly what any alcoholic would do. He left the problem for his wife to figure out.”16
By now the old country house in Bedford Hills was practically a museum. In the large upstairs library room, for example, Lois had framed and hung pictures of Dr. Bob, Annie Smith, Ebby Thacher, Dr. William Silkworth, Dr. Leonard Strong, Dr. Sam Shoemaker, Anne Bingham, the early Al-Anon “pioneers,” and many, many others who were instrumental in helping to start and foster the growth of the Fellowships.
There were also, of course, photographs of Bill in his army uniform, Lois and Bill and family members at Emerald Lake, their exciting motorcycle trip, gatherings of friends at Stepping Stones, and their travels together around the world. Lois had spent many months carefully writing descriptive captions for them. On tables around the room were albums filled with cards and letters from AA and Al-Anon groups worldwide, and even more photos of her and Bill’s visits with their fellow members across America and around the globe. All of this was on display not simply for Lois’s enjoyment, but to show visitors how it all began, who was responsible, and the breathtaking power of it all as it grew.
It was the summer of 1979, and the value of Lois’s estate had grown considerably since her husband’s death. She was now eighty-seven, and her thoughts were frequently concentrated on trying to find some way of leaving everything to Al-Anon. But, like Bill, she faced the same roadblock. She had written the very same Tradition for the family groups that prevented her own beloved Fellowship from accepting the estate. While disappointed at first, she soon came to realize that some of her other goals in the field of alcoholism might contradict other Traditions as well.
For example, Lois used some of her own income at times to finance new approaches to alcoholism research and various educational programs related to the disease. Al-Anon could not support such ongoing activities since the Traditions precluded it from being involved in “outside issues” that might possibly draw it into “public controversy.” And Lois’s desire to foster and finance even more educational and promotional projects aimed at reducing the stigma of alcoholism and raising public awareness of its effects on the family and society—this certainly contradicted the Tradition that states Al-Anon is a program “of attraction, not promotion.”
So she began discussing her dilemma with some very close friends whose opinions she valued, such as Brinkley Smithers; Marty Mann; her accountant, Owen Flanagan; her younger brother, Dr. Lyman Burnham; Henrietta Sutphin; and her attorney, Bernard Smith, who was also the lawyer for Alcoholics Anonymous and had crafted her husband’s will. They all concluded that, in order to achieve her desired goals, a nonprofit foundation should be created through which Lois could carry on her work now and long after she went to her final reward. And they suggested such a foundation could be charged with employing her funds to maintain the house and grounds in perpetuity, as she and Bill wished, so that it would always be there and open to every member of AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen. Lois agreed with the recommendation. In fact, she was very excited about the idea that she and Bill would continue to inform the world about the disease and its consequences “forever and forever and forever.”17
On December 24, 1979, the Stepping Stones Foundation was born and certified as a nonprofit corporation by the state of New York. Lois obviously chose to name the Foundation after her home so that it would always reflect the work she, Bill, and others had carried on there. The Foundation’s first meeting was held on December 27 to officially elect its officers and board of trustees. Lois was named president; Lyman, vice president; Henrietta, treasurer; and Nell Wing, secretary.
As Lois had directed, the purpose of the Stepping Stones Foundation is to share the story of hope for recovery from alcoholism in the individual and the family that is embodied in the lives and home of Lois and Bill Wilson.18 Lois had arranged that it be funded by the major portion of the royalties she inherited from Bill for a period of ten years following her death. She wanted to give it enough time to become well established so that it could eventually support itself, should there not be enough income to underwrite her desired goals. In truth, while the stream of royalty income for the Foundation ended in 1998, the interest income generated from Lois’s estate is ample to maintain the house and grounds for some years to come, although additional funds need to be generated today to achieve the broader purposes of the Foundation.
While Lois was eager to have the entire world understand more about the terrible disease that had afflicted her husband and millions of others, she was also pleased that the Foundation would assure that their home and gardens would always be there for members of the Fellowships. She knew that Stepping Stones would continue to be of historical importance. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that almost everyone in AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen can trace their sponsorship to the two people who lived in that cozy brown-shingled country house. Coming to Stepping Stones for many is just like coming home.
Stepping Stones today is a historic museum of sorts, which makes available a secure and accessible display of the Foundation’s physical assets. It is also a center at which those for whom the Foundation was established may enjoy social and educational experiences. These include showings of a film biography of Bill and Lois and other films on the problems of alcoholism for the individual and the family, a lecture series and seminars offered in collaboration with nearby colleges, and, of course, Lois’s annual Al-Anon Family Picnic, which the Foundation continues to host.
Other special programs, with media involvement, are available for researchers and opinion leaders seeking access to the archives or wishing to promote public policy for increased understanding of the treatment for alcoholism.
From its earliest beginnings, Lois and her Foundation trustees began undertaking important projects related to alcoholism, often in partnership with prominent organizations in the field. The Foundation sought to discover the best ways to stir public interest in a problem that continues to invade every aspect of society. On October 18, 1984, Lois convened a large group of leading professionals in the field at Stepping Stones to help her pinpoint those publics most in need of understanding more about the disease and the most effective ways of reaching them.
The group, including physicians, psychologists, educators, and social workers representing many important organizations, probed into why, after all that had been written about alcoholism over the years, there was still so much ignorance and misunderstanding about the disease in schools, medical institutions, the business world, military services, and religious organizations of every denomination. After welcoming everyone on behalf of the Foundation, Lois commented:
“Since my husband was the cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous, the subject of alcoholism has been very close to our hearts. And we’ve been a little tied down in one respect because AA and Al-Anon are very restrictive about their outside interests and, in fact, they have no connection with anything else that has an interest in alcoholism.
“So, this is really quite something for me to be into and I’m sure it’s something that Bill would be very much interested in because we’re now able to do things that AA cannot do—to find some way to help the public understand alcoholism better than it does. So we’re ready today to see how we as a Foundation can help the most with the dire and serious problems that still face us.”19
As a result of this seminar, the National Council on Alcoholism joined with Stepping Stones to produce two important public service announcements: one focusing on fetal alcohol syndrome, titled “What You Drink, Your Baby Drinks,” and another on the number one drug problem among youth—alcohol—titled “Alcohol Is a Dangerous Drug.” Lois was particularly interested in this second project because of her dedication to helping the children of alcoholics through Alateen.
The Stepping Stones Foundation and the National Council attracted a number of leading stars from the world of movies, television, and music to volunteer their time and tape thirty- and sixty-second radio and TV spots. They included Elliott Gould, Robert Urich, Ali MacGraw, Brooke Shields, Margot Kidder, Stacy Keach, David Hasselhoff, Reggie Jackson, Melissa Manchester, Reba McEntire, Loretta Swit, Brenda Vaccaro, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Susan Sullivan, Tyne Daly, Judy Collins, Michelle Lee, Rita Moreno, and Casey Kasem. Both campaigns were very successful, reaching millions.
As Lois had hoped, the Foundation continued its effective work after her passing to create greater awareness of alcohol addiction. In October of 1993, for example, with some new trustees elected to the board, Stepping Stones sponsored a major three-day seminar at the Edith Macy Conference Center in Briarcliff Manor, New York. The goal was to bring together leaders in treatment, government policy, medicine, research, and education in order to create a coalition with a stronger voice in the field of alcoholism to inform and better educate the public on the perils of this disease and provide more resources for recovery.
The group wrote the following accords:
To fight for a comprehensive range of quality treatment services for alcoholism and related addictions as primary diseases in the nation’s health-care system.
To acknowledge that family members have a right to specific and appropriate care whether or not the addicted person is in treatment.
To develop immediately plans that bring the weight of our organizations to bear in the ongoing health-care debate.
To submit a list of resources and special skills that our organizations will commit to these accords.
To acknowledge that the research technology is now available to find the precise causes of addiction and the capability to develop more effective approaches to treatments, prevention and public policy.
To update our message to the public so we state pride in our accomplishments, acknowledge our limitations, and offer hope for medical answers to addictive diseases in the future.20
The seminar led to the formation of the National Leadership Forum, a coalition of more than fifty private organizations and government agencies that today continues to focus on advocacy, education, research, and policy.
As the computer generation exploded on the scene, the Stepping Stones Foundation continued to keep pace after Lois’s passing by creating its own Web site, www.steppingstones.org. Visitors to the site can take a virtual tour of the house and grounds, read biographies of Lois and Bill, learn about the Foundation and its mission, view some of the treasures in its archives, subscribe to the Foundation’s newsletter, and exchange e-mail.
With her Foundation now in place and her final affairs now in order, Lois found herself much more at ease despite her ailments and physical discomforts. She managed to attend various AA and Al-Anon functions, never missing two in particular: Akron’s Founders Day celebration, still held each June to honor Bill and Dr. Bob and the start of AA, and the AA Intergroup Dinner at New York’s Hilton Hotel, which was established to mark her husband’s birthday every year. It remains a major annual fund-raising event to support the city’s Intergroup activities—receiving phone calls from active alcoholics, assigning members to make Twelfth Step calls, publishing meetings lists, and so on.
Lois also never missed one of AA’s International Conventions. As she once said, “We get something at these huge, unique gatherings that cannot be gained in any other way. The combined emotional impact of so many people behaving and striving for the same ideals is felt by everyone and brings a rich kind of joy.”21 In fact, the last major gatherings Lois attended were AA’s International Convention and Al-Anon’s first International Convention, both held in Montreal in 1985. She was ninety-four at the time, and despite her frailties, she spoke to a standing ovation at an Al-Anon breakfast and was the featured speaker at AA’s closing ceremonies.
“She made such a wonderful talk,” recalled Ruth L., who was at her side over those four days. “There must have been at least forty thousand people there and you could hear a pin drop as she spoke. They hung on her every word.”
Ruth remembered her dear friend’s closing remarks: “People keep asking me,” Lois said, “how you get the spiritual part of the program. I keep telling them, there is no spiritual part. The whole program is spiritual because what we have is basically a spiritual illness and the Twelve Steps contain the medicine we take to recover.”22
After returning home, Lois tripped and fell in the house one day and fractured her hip. The long, painful healing process sapped much of her strength. She was in and out of the hospital several times, and her recovery was complicated by a bout with pneumonia. Nell was there at Stepping Stones most of the time now, along with many of Lois’s close Al-Anon and AA friends.
“She had her good days and her bad days,” Nell said. “But while her body was getting weaker, her mind was still strong and alert. When one of us would tease her, she would always tease us right back.”23
It was in late September of 1988 when Lois came down with another bad cold, and around October 3, she took a turn for the worse. She now had chest pains and was on the verge of pneumonia once again. She was rushed by ambulance to Northern Westchester Hospital in Mount Kisco, where her husband had often gone. She had a breathing tube placed down her throat and was sedated to ease her pain.
A close friend who spent much of the next two days with her said Lois would point to the breathing tube as though begging to have it removed. At one point she moved her fingers to signal she wanted to write a message. Handed a pad and pencil, the frail, now totally incapacitated lady scribbled the words: “Tell them . . . I want to see my Bill.”24 Her cousin, Anne Burnham Smith, finally consented to have the tube removed. Lois smiled and was able, in a deep hoarse voice, to say farewell to all her friends and loved ones gathered around her bedside.
Lois Burnham Wilson joined her beloved Bill later that evening. It was October 5, 1988. She was ninety-seven years old.
Even though her death was not unexpected, everyone close to Lois was devastated. As Nell Wing put it: “I anticipated the emotional loss but not the physical part, the exhaustion and depression that lasted several months. Not a day passes that I do not silently express my gratitude and love for her friendship and to Bill for his friendship too.”25
Newspapers across the country unveiled the last name of Al-Anon’s cofounder, confirming what many already knew. And thousands attended a memorial service at the Marble Collegiate Church in New York City arranged by Al-Anon World Services. Many more thousands attended similar services all over the world. So many people in so many lands had come to understand by then the far-reaching universal contribution Lois and Bill Wilson had given to society. It all began with Bill’s recognition that alcoholics needed their own Twelve Step program to get sober and Lois’s insight that families of alcoholics needed a similar yet separate Fellowship to recover from the same disease. By now, the AA and Al-Anon experiences had spread far and wide to help solve almost any human problem imaginable—emotional illness, gambling, overeating, narcotics addition, sexual obsession, smoking, and many more. There are self-help groups based on the Twelve Steps today for widows and widowers, parents who have lost a child, women with mastectomies, other cancer patients, and victims of most chronic illnesses. The total membership in such self-help groups is estimated in the tens of millions. And it all started with Lois and Bill’s willingness to share their respective programs and experience with anyone who could be helped by them. As Lois once said in one of her talks, “I believe the Twelve Steps can save the world. Bill was out to save the world, and I don’t think that was an exaggeration. It could really happen with people living by these principles.”26
Lois Wilson was indeed one of the twentieth century’s most important women. Her life had been somewhat overshadowed by that of her husband, but in recent years she has emerged more visible than before for her unique contributions to humanity. It was through her tireless efforts that Al-Anon became the strong organization it is today, still attracting members through its message of hope and renewal.
It is almost mystifying that all the praise, accolades, and adulation heaped upon this remarkable lady, both from the public and from within AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen, never seemed to change her steadfast character and loving demeanor in any way. Perhaps what she wrote in her memoirs only a few years before her death explains it to some degree.
“I hope I understand correctly AA and Al-Anon members’ special devotion to me. As the only living survivor of the AA founders and their wives and as Bill’s widow, I am a symbol to AAs of their beloved Fellowship. I shall always be grateful for the warmth and acceptance they show me.”27
She said that Al-Anon will always be the most essential part of her life. After all, its principles and people like Annie Smith and Anne Bingham helped save her sanity and lead her to a way of life she never dreamed possible.
Lois loved to recall what Bill used to share when he would close the meeting each year at the Stepping Stones picnic. “We AAs don’t stay away from drinking,” he would say, “we grow away from drinking. And if our spouses don’t grow along with us, we grow away from them.”28
Lois always thanked God that through their respective programs, she and Bill continued to grow closer together and she was always grateful for that.
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Lois Wilson is buried next to her husband in the small family cemetery in East Dorset, Vermont. Her name is chiseled on the simple white marble gravestone. There is no mention of Al-Anon.