Chapter 21
IT IS POSSIBLE TO COMPETE, WIN, AND HAVE FUN AT THE SAME TIME
There are a lot of teams out there that rack up the wins, hoist the trophies, and look truly miserable. Winning and enjoying the process are not mutually exclusive. I dare say that enjoying the process makes winning, and sustained winning, more possible. Players don't want to stay on a team that they don't enjoy, no matter how many trophies you put on the mantel. Having fun doesn't mean there aren't goals and expectations. It is an attitude that says, “We expect to win and we're going to have a damn good time doing it.”
YELLING MAKES THINGS HARDER
Imagine this scenario: A pop fly is hit to your second basement. It is sky‐high and that 12‐year‐old kid is trying to settle under it without falling on their ass. Now add three coaches, 10 players, and 20 parents all yelling “Catch it! Catch it! Catch it!” That screaming is actually working against the outcome you're looking for from the player. Trust me, they definitely know they are supposed to catch it. Your helpful reminder is doing f'k all to help them achieve this goal.
Sports is one of the last bastions where yelling and degrading people still passes as teaching. Instead of yelling at a player when they make a mistake, point out what they did well, for example, “Nice job of getting under that ball you, where you were supposed to be.” Then give feedback that is actionable, like “Make sure you get your second hand on the ball once it's in your glove, so it doesn't pop out.” Making them feel like crap when you know they already feel bad about not making the play is leadership at its worst.
PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DO IT RIGHT MOST OF THE TIME
No kid wants a grounder to go through their legs or to overthrow first base or to strike out at the plate. In general most people are trying to do it right, whatever “it” may be. If the coach is not getting the results they want, then it is the coach's job to work with that player on the skills needed to improve the results. Shaking your head and belittling the kid in public destroys their confidence and ultimately makes it more difficult to get the results you want.
IT DOESN'T MATTER NEARLY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK IT DOES
I know, I know, the entire world will turn on the results of your U12 game against the neighboring town on a Tuesday night in mid‐July. Except of course it won't. In the moment everything feels more important. The spotlight and emotions add to the pressure and can trick us into thinking that this moment is more important than it actually is. When you step back and look at the thing through a long lens it is rare that one play or decision makes all the difference in the world. If your goal is only to win that game that night, then it is easy to be swept up in the emotions of the game.
If your goal is to make the playoffs, then you may have a more measured approach to how you manage the game. If your goal is to encourage and inspire young women to compete, have fun and develop skills that will allow them to play the game long after this one particular contest, then your attitude is far, far different.
THERE IS CRYING IN SOFTBALL
There is crying in softball. Lots of it. Girls get hurt, disappointed, nervous, scared, overcome with joy, sad that they have been blocked on social media by a friend, troubles at home, school, and so on… This is true of everyone: boys, girls, men, and women. Instead of telling the kids to hide their emotions, teach them to manage how they are feeling and still be able to do what is being asked of them, even at times when their head is in a far different space. This skill is critical in a person's long‐term success, whatever it is they're trying to achieve.
THE TEAM THAT MAKES THE MOST EASY PLAYS WINS
It isn't the great plays that win most games, it's the constant execution of the simple plays again and again and again. Everyone loves home run blasts or a diving catch, yet if you have to constantly rely on making great plays, you will lose more than you will win. The simple grounder to shortstop, the constant throws to first base, making contact to put the ball into play, and catching the routine fly ball are far more important over the course of the game and the season then any single fantastic play.
RELAX AND BREATHE
Take a deep breath, relax, and try to remember that while batting with two outs in the bottom of the seventh seems very different from other at‐bats, in reality it is the exact same process as any of the other of hundreds of at‐bats you had before.
PONIES MOTIVATE
After one particular game I was talking with one of my players and she mentioned that she had never ridden a horse before. I said, “If we win this playoff game, I'll take you and the entire team for pony rides.” This very pleasant but not overly demonstrative kid lit up. “Are you serious? You're not serious.” I sure as hell was serious about it, and I told her so. Next game I had never seen her run the bases as aggressively and slide on close plays in all the years I had coached her. Talk to your players. Find out the things they get excited about and that motivate them. Yes, money will always be an important factor, yet you may be surprised what things will motivate certain individuals.
BAD COACHING RUINS EVERYTHING
And I'm not just talking about the tactics in a game. I've seen how bad coaching, mostly related to how coaches communicate with their players, take a promising young kid who loves playing the game and makes them want to quit and never pick up a glove and ball again. I've seen coaches use cutting sarcasm to belittle players, shout at kids for striking out, and tell an entire team that they should be “ashamed of themselves” for making too many errors in one inning.
No, you should never be ashamed of yourself for playing a game. The goal as a coach is to make every kid want to be on the team no matter what their role might be. I hold no illusions that all kids have the same skill sets. Here's a newsflash, neither do they. But if you can make the kid that mostly sits on the bench as excited to be a part of the team as the star player by valuing them as an individual, then you are doing your job as a coach. Don't be the coach that makes a kid quit forever. That is not how you want to be remembered.
PARENTS ARE IDIOTS
Leave your kid alone once she steps on the field. She has coaches who are telling her what to do; she doesn't need you yelling from the sidelines too. And usually what the parent is yelling is not at all what the coach wants the kid to do. Let them play the game, learn from the coaches, and find their own success.
There is nothing more annoying than a player that looks at the sideline after every swing or throw or catch. We want them to be confident in their own ability and decision making and not constantly looking for validation or criticism from their parents. The only things I allow my parents to say from the sidelines are “Good job!” and “Nice try!” If you want to belittle your child and make them feel like crap, do it in the car ride on the way home.
GO HARD AND SLIDE
Great effort typically beats talent. Good things typically happen for the players who go hardest. Hustle, grit, and determination more often beats talent over the long haul. It is those players who start to figure out how to succeed in the face of adversity or their own shortcomings and who come to realize that working harder for your goal than those around you pays off eventually, who become the winners.
CALL IT
If it is your ball, call it. Let those around you know that this is your play and you've got it. Speak up and claim your space on the field.
YOU HAVE A JOB IF THE BALL IS HIT TO YOU, AND IF IT ISN'T
Everyone always has a job to do, even when the ball is not hit directly to you. What base are you supposed be covering? Who are you supposed to be backing up? What are you supposed to be communicating and to whom? Everybody focuses on the player with the ball but the play can't be executed if the other player isn't covering the base they are supposed to. Don't just stand around, do something.
BACK EACH OTHER UP
Stuff happens. Back each other up and limit the damage of any mistakes. A good coach applauds the kid who is constantly running in to back up a play just as much as the kid who makes the play.
POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT GOES A LONG WAY
Positive encouragement isn't soft or nice or touchy‐feely. It is a proven and tested method of building a person's self‐confidence. The goal of the coach is to get the player to believe in herself while also giving them the tools that they will need to succeed. When players see coaches giving positive encouragement it becomes contagious and the whole team starts to give that same kind of support. This amplifies the good vibes and is basically crowd‐sourcing positive emotion. As the old saying goes, “If you believe you can or you can't, you are right.”
YOU'RE NOT OLD SCHOOL, YOU ARE AN ANACHRONISM
“My coaches were tough and treated me like crap and I turned out okay.” That's debatable. I've heard versions of this many times, this idea that, “I'm an old school coach and it's my way or the highway, dammit.” Most coaches who have this attitude simply don't know how to communicate effectively what they are trying to teach. Instead they use intimidation and status to limit any kind of discourse. By limiting the discourse, they don't have to explain what it is they want. And for the love of God, you're a damned Youth Sports Coach, not some sort of latter‐day Lombardi (and if you actually research coaches like Vince Lombardi or Bill Belichick, you will see that they were known as fantastic teachers).
FOCUS ON YOUR OWN TEAM
Don't worry about the other team, what they're saying, or how they are playing the game. Focus on your own team and how you can get better. Worrying about what the other team is doing or saying only serves to distract you from your real goal, which is to build the best team possible.
DON'T SHOW UP THE UMP
Yes, there are calls you don't like and that you disagree with. Showing up the ump in public gets you nowhere and usually works against you later on down the line.
IT IS OKAY TO APPEAL THE CALL
With that said, it is okay to appeal the call if you believe that it is inaccurate. Standing up for what you believe in is important. Do it in a way that doesn't make you and the people around you look like asses.
LOSING HURTS BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO DESTROY
I hate losing. I try to win each game I coach. The reality is that you will lose all sorts of games. Big games and small ones, games you are supposed to win, games you are supposed to lose. If you don't overemphasize the importance of loss and are willing to get back on the field the next day and keep grinding, you will find that you'll get your wins and begin to realize that the losses don't need to define who you are.
WINNING IS GREAT AND IS SHORT‐LIVED
Winning is the best. Hooray! Ponies for everyone! Of course the last game you won has very little bearing on the next game you are playing. The only thing that really matters is how you play the next game and if you can continue to consistently put into action the good skills and habits that you have learned. Winning is the result of doing small things well again and again.
ONE OUT AT A TIME
Don't worry about getting the second out until you get the first one. Once you get the second out, then you can worry about getting the third one. Focus on the immediate task at hand and block out the next task until the first one is completed. It can be daunting to try to figure out how to get three outs against a great hitting team. Getting one out seems very manageable. Getting one out three times is simple and replicable. It keeps your team in the moment and it takes some of the pressure off of worrying about the future.
PLAY 'TIL THE END
They give you 21 outs for a reason. Play each and every one of them. The odd thing is that if you do, more often that seems likely, you find yourself with a chance to win at the end no matter how far down in the game you were. Getting your team to believe they have a chance is more than half the battle. If they believe that you believe, that's usually enough.
TAKE CHANCES
Steal some bases. Send them home from third. Pick 'em off at first. Don't just be reactive, be proactive. Try to make something happen for yourself. Don't rely on the whims of an unpredictable game. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake that you never take chances to help yourself. It builds confidence in the entire team and it's a hell of a lot more fun than just trying not to F up.
BEING IN THE DUGOUT SHOULD BE AT LEAST AS FUN AS PLAYING
We spend a hell of a lot of more time in the dugout than we do on the field playing the game. And not every player is going to see the same amount of time in the actual game. It is in the dugout where the esprit de corps and camaraderie is built. That is the place where everybody is equal and everybody can find the same amount of joy and pleasure, regardless of what they are doing on the field.
LISTEN TO YOUR PLAYERS
Yes, you are the head coach and you know exactly what is best for the team at all times. Never should your judgment be questioned and your authority is ironclad, never to be challenged. Also, please quit coaching right now. When you listen to your players' ideas, and even better when you can implement some of them, you get far greater buy‐in from that player as an individual and the team as a whole.
You create an environment where you actually get more information because now players feel like their voices will be heard and therefore are more willing to share what they know or what they're thinking. As a coach this is an incredibly valuable. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was boosting a kid's confidence by playing them in the infield when in reality all they wanted to do was play the outfield. All that needed to happen was for that kid to feel comfortable enough to say, “Hey coach, I actually prefer playing right field.” Problem solved for both of us.
By creating an environment where a player can speak up, I now have actionable information that I can use to make both the team and the player better. When the players know you are willing to listen to them it also creates less conflict when you make decisions that not everyone agrees with. More often than not, people accept your decisions as long as they feel that their voices were heard.
MAKE EACH PLAYER FEEL LIKE THEY ARE YOUR FAVORITE
The best‐case scenario is that each player feels like secretly he or she is the coach's favorite. You don't do this by being fake or dishonest, you achieve this by being excited for whatever successes the player has and encouraging them when they make mistakes. When the worst player on the team and the best player on the team each feels like they are your favorite and both want to come back and play for you the next season, then you know you're doing your job incredibly well.
GET ICE CREAM AFTER A WIN
Celebrate your wins. Get ice cream and laugh and rehash the awesome plays that everybody made to help win the game. It makes life more enjoyable.
…AND AFTER A LOSS
Commiserate after your losses. Get ice cream, console each other, and eventually laugh at the plays that we screwed up. Take the sting and the importance out of our mistakes. Acknowledge that we can do better but learn how not to dwell on the past or the things we can't change that are out of our control.
GET DIRTY
Don't be afraid to dive and slide and generally get dirty. Learning to do the dirty work is a huge part of building confidence and taking ownership of your effort. When the players are celebrated for doing the dirty work just as much as for the plays that capture all the fans' attention, they learn that there are many different ways to succeed in what they are trying to do.
FOCUS ON PROCESS, NOT RESULTS
It is almost impossible to dictate the results we want. No matter how hard we try to get a hit, the ball may never get through. Getting a hit is just a result of focusing on the process of having a good at‐bat. Good form, hours in the cage, hands high and tight, fast swing to the ball. Those are all the things the player can control. Focusing on the process and positively acknowledging the process even when the results aren't always what we want leads to a more relaxed approach at the plate, which then of course leads to better results.
IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE GAME, BUT ABOUT HOW YOU APPROACH LIFE
Almost none of our players will go on to anything greater than high school sports, and even that may be out of reach for many of them. Yet as adults we all having incredibly strong memories of our time playing on teams as a kid. We can all talk about the coaches we loved and that had a positive impact on who we are as well as coaches who made us doubt ourselves and made us want to quit.
No matter what kind of team you lead, your players will eventually move on. The goal should be to leave them with an experience that they remember fondly and give them a few tools that they can use to succeed as they move forward. Teaching people that they can achieve goals, have fun doing it, to successfully face adversity and self‐doubt is what coaching is all about. The girls I have coached over the years have taught me a hell of a lot more about being a good leader, teacher, and human being than I'm sure I've ever taught them.
Remember that being allowed to coach kids is an honor and a privilege. It is easier to do more harm than good. As the coach you are there first and foremost to help the kids succeed and develop confidence that they can use for whatever they are going to do in the future.