Chapter 5

The Fear of Looking Stupid

The fear of looking stupid is often one of the biggest reasons we don't go after the things we really want. There are so many barriers, actual and tangible – money, time, health – to exploring ideas or trying new activities that we would like to pursue. These are obstacles that are real and that we may not have complete control over. But looking stupid? That is all on us.

I'm sure psychologists and anthropologists can trace back the primal roots of the fear of looking stupid. It was probably some kind of survival mechanism when doing something different from the rest of the tribe was likely to cause a swift and gruesome death.

Tribal Jim crosses the river and is greeted by a contingent of the “Across the River Tribe.” Tribal Jim appears very different, as the members of the “This Side of the River” tribe wear their hair long, while the “Across the River Tribe” wears their hair short. They think Tribal Jim looks stupid so they cut off his head and mount it on a post, which is sign language that universally translates to “Please stay on your side of the river, hippies.”

Hence, the fear of looking stupid. The perceived judgment of others holds us back from attempting all sorts of things. I will be mocked, I will be laughed at, I will be shamed, criticized, vilified. The fear of looking stupid holds us back from pursuing the things or even people we love. It makes us immobile, afraid to explore concepts and activities that attract a certain level of intellectual curiosity. The fear of looking stupid closes us off from whole worlds and groups of people who might lead us to new levels of happiness or education or health or wealth.

There are many books and experts that discuss fear and how to overcome it. My friend Patrick Sweeney, the “Fear Guru,” is a perfect example of how one man faced a crippling fear, in his case of flying, and turned it around into an inspirational story. The fear that I am talking about right now is specifically the fear of looking stupid. You cannot die from looking stupid. You cannot be physically injured by looking stupid. You can't accidentally slip or fall or poison yourself or sever a limb by looking stupid. These are all things that can actually happen in truly fear‐inducing situations. Looking stupid? Generally speaking, the worst that happens is that you feel like a schmuck and people avoid making eye contact with you. While it may not feel great, it does not require a visit to the ER.

Yet this fear, unlike money or time or health, is 100 percent in our control. As much as I would like to think that I can walk out my front door and triple my income “Today! Using other people's money!” I rationally understand that there are many other forces and considerations that will factor into whether that can actually happen.

But fear of looking stupid? That is fully in my hands. If I want to run through the woods carrying a large branch and climb trees as a workout, or hide in the bushes to scare kids on Halloween, or use a glove to hold a cold pint of Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream, I can choose these things for myself, however “stupid” they appear to others. (Each of those examples is a real things that I do).

If I want to get up on stage and tell jokes, act out stories, collect albums from the dump, or buy “Dead Guy” suits, the only thing holding me back is the opinion of others. And the fact of the matter is that I could give a rat's ass what anybody else thinks of me.

When you no longer particularly care what others think of you, it is one of the most liberating feelings in the world. No longer are you beholden to what others think or say about you. A huge psychic weight is lifted. You feel like a free pass has been given to you to explore all those oddball ideas or desires and dreams, no giving a damn what others think or say.

So how do you get to that place? It is fine and easy enough to say “Just do it” (trademark Nike, please don't sue me). Yet on a practical level that isn't usually how things work. Just like working out or physical fitness, one needs to build up strength and stamina to get to a place of doing things in a more extreme way. If you haven't run in years, you wouldn't go out and attempt a marathon. You would start with short runs and longer walks, building and compounding your efforts until the time when you can run a 5K, then a 10K, then a half marathon, then eventually a full marathon. Maybe you never run that full marathon, but you consistently and comfortable can run a 10K whenever you like. There is your win.

It is the same process for getting over the fear of looking stupid. Maybe you don't immediately hit the open mic stage, but rather you sign up for an improv class. That's all, just sign up. You don't even have to commit in your mind to go, just execute the simplest first step, which is signing up. You don't even need to tell anyone! Then once you do that, force yourself to go to the first class, no commitments after that.

What you will often find is that now you have put yourself in a situation where “looking stupid” isn't perceived as stupid at all, and what you are doing is actually the new normal. Sure, you are taking a risk by being in an improv class. But ultimately it is a very mitigated risk, because the entire environment is set up in such a way that everyone is facing that risk together.

Since everybody is facing the prospect of potentially looking stupid, ultimately no one does. As this new normal starts to feel more and more comfortable, you start to rewire your brain and how it perceives what is considered “stupid looking.”

As you gradually develop these new thought patterns, you can start to apply that thinking wherever you like. That improv class may be just the thing to lead you to taking flying lessons, or dance lessons, or writing that book, or asking that guy/girl out for a beer. Because now your brain is starting to register that it isn't really that dangerous to look stupid, and the consequences of looking stupid are nowhere near as awful as we imagine.

Once that muscle becomes stronger, you start to want to use it more and more, flexing it wherever you damn well please. It becomes fun and actually validating when someone comments how stupid or crazy you look. When a person makes those kinds of comments to me about almost anything I am doing or thinking of doing, that is usually a sign that I am on the right path.

Hey, I get it. I don't blame you if you don't want to free‐dive off of a cliff wearing a wing suit. Very bad things can happen that are far more serious then just enduring snarky comments behind your back.

What is even stupider than the fear of looking stupid is not pursuing those things in life that you want to try just because you are worried about what other people might think. So the practical steps you can take to overcome this fear? Take an improv class, or a beginner dance class, or join a reading or painting group or whatever you have an interest in. Put yourself out there in a smaller way to give yourself a core to build from. Constantly apply this approach and pretty soon you'll be experiencing a whole new life, making up all kinds of new shit that you never dreamed of before.