CAST OF CHARACTERS
MOTHER SUPERIOR, the ABBESS (L’Abeesse)
SISTER CRYBABY, the First Nun (Soeur Esplouree/La premiere Soeur)
SISTER GOODY TWO-SHOES, the Second Nun (Soeur de Bon Coeur/La deuxieme Soeur)1
SISTER FRISKY, the Third Nun (Soeur Safrete/La troisieme Soeur)
SISTER BUNNY (Seur/Soeur Fes[s]ue)
[A number of extra nuns for the chapter meeting]
PRODUCTION NOTES
The Farce nouvelle à cinq parsonnages, RLV, #38 (fols. 204v–211v), appears as the fourteenth piece of RFMSJ, vol. 2—again, paginated within a given play but not continuously throughout the volumes—under a title that has tended to stick: the inconsistently spelled Soeur Fesue.2 Tissier, however, takes his cues from its closing lines and dubs his edition L’Abbeesse et Soeur Fessue (#59; RF, 11: 235–89). So too does Faivre in his summary (Répertoire, 37–38) whereas, for Petit de Julleville, it was L’Abbesse et les soeurs (RTC, 106–7). Our farce was reedited by Martin in SFQS at https://sottiesetfarces.wordpress.com/tag/fessue/ (accessed 20 January 2017), translated by Tissier into modern French (FFMA, 4: 183–98), and discussed by Hayes (Rabelais’s Radical Farce, 51–53), Toldo (“ETCF,” 294–97), and Maxwell (French Farce, 162–63). With the exception of one musical set-piece, most of the action unfolds in rhyming octosyllabic couplets, some corrupt, which may account for the divergent verse totals: 357, 353, and 352 for Tissier, Faivre, and Petit de Julleville, respectively.
Since our story was in circulation from Jean de Condé’s “Dit de la Nonnette” (ca. 1313–37) to Boccaccio’s Decameron 9.2 (1352) to Rabelais’s Tiers Livre (1546) (RGCF, 6: 266–69), we are moved to ask what we did of Bro Job (#7): Which came first? The poem, the play, or the prose? Earlier theories had placed the composition of the RLV Soeur Fessue between 1510 and 1546, but for Tissier it is a Norman version (remaniement) of a relatively late lost original dating from approximately 1535 (RF, 11: 244–47; FFMA, 4: 185). He likewise believes, with Saulnier, that Rabelais borrowed his own “Soeur Fessue” from that lost version, which may indeed predate our farce by some ten years (FFMA, 4: 315n; Saulnier, “Histoire d’un conte rabelaisien”).
Although I’ve uncovered no evidence of a fifteenth- or sixteenth-century performance, Soeur Fessue has been staged a number of times; and the production by Mario Longtin, an expert on the RLV, is available on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djhacuv__3c (accessed 27 January 2021). After my translation was complete, he was good enough to share his own English translation, to which it’s a pleasure to allude when pertinent.
Plot
Inconceivable! An entire convent is at sixes and sevens when word gets out that one of the sisters is pregnant. The thing is: knocked-up Soeur Fessue is not exactly Agnes of God. Like Margot of Blue Confessions (#2), “Sister Bunny” has been giving herself over to various delights, here, with a certain “Brother Hard-On.” (That’s a literal translation, I assure you, of her baby-daddy’s name, “Frère Roydimet,” as in: “he sticks it in there erect” [royde [il l’] y met].) Three distinctly non-Chekhovian sisters rat her out to Mother Superior because Bunny has foolishly failed to take the other nuns’ regular precaution against pregnancy: sodomy. And, if that sounds far-fetched to you, consider that her plight might have been ripped from the headlines. Across the Channel, the chronicler Adam Usk reported on a most unusual legal case of accidental pregnancy by sodomy, and I’m indebted to Sarah McDougall and William Arguelles for bringing it to my attention. Usk and the Abbot of Leicester had been dispatched to Nuneaton priory in the diocese of Lichfield to investigate “various crimes, heresies, and iniquities of a heinous nature allegedly committed by one Robert Bowlons,” who later confessed: “When we got there, we found that one of the nuns had, as a result of the unbridled lust of this Robert, become pregnant through the semen dripping down during the act of sodomy, not through penetration by the member” (Chronicle, ed. Given-Wilson, 120–21; my emphasis). Seriously? Sodomy was committed by Robert Bowel-ons? He fits right in with Sister Bunny and Brother Hard-On (“Sister Bigass” and “Friar Stickitinstiff” for Frame’s Rabelais), and also with the albeit later Italian subjects of Craig Monson’s Nuns Behaving Badly.
Meanwhile, back at the farcical convent, our cheeky Bunny issues a point-by-point takedown of ecclesiastical casuistry that is so compelling and so funny that I prefer not to spoil its triumphant scholastic logic. Suffice it to say that it has a lot to do with the monastic vow of silence, the secrecy of the confessional (below, § “Language”), and the injunction that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. With a repeated riff on Matthew 7:3 and Paul to Romans 2:1, it’s all about seeing—and not seeing—what is right before your very eyes: “And why beholdest thou the speck of dust that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (On veoyt à l’oeuil d’aultruy tout aultre / Un petit festu odieulx; / Mais on ne voyt poinct une poultre / Qu’on a devant les yeulx [2: 26]). As the plot swaggers toward its concluding sermonic words worthy of any morality play, Sister Bunny cites the Apostle Paul: “Judge not, lest ye be judged” (below, note 27). Or, as Boccaccio’s Elisa puts it: “You all know that there are plenty of very foolish people who take it upon themselves to instruct and correct others, but as you will learn from my story, from time to time, Fortune justly puts them to shame—which is prosily what happened to the Abbess who was the superior of the nun I am going to tell you about” (Decameron, trans. Rebhorn, 701). In the end, the real butt of the joke is Mother Superior, who’s going down. She is, quite literally, in no position to judge. All shall be revealed in due course but, at this juncture, I confine myself to comparing the plot to the old joke about the nuns waiting in line at the Pearly Gates:
“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did just once touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”
“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.”
The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”
“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.”
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.
“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it” (e.g., http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/confessionjokes.html [accessed 27 January 2021]).
Nuns who live in glass convents shouldn’t have the stones to throw stones.
Characters and Character Development
Like Drama Queens (#4), our finale stages female characters only—nuns, no less—which startled both Petit de Julleville and Tissier (RTC, 106–7; RF, 11: 240). It was one thing to take aim at lecherous monks; it was quite another to go after sisters doing it for themselves. Not that Antonia Pulci had any trouble sniping at gossipy Italian nuns in her sixteenth-century Mystery of Saint Theodora (Florentine Drama, 187–93). Nor do the nuns going medieval on Bunny’s ass, even if ever so courteously with vous. Scripted as La premiere, La deuxieme, and La troisieme, the sisters sport names embodying their most pronounced character traits: Sisters “Crybaby,” “Goody Two-Shoes,” and “Frisky.” Their weeping, judging, and joshing might be further amplified onstage by physical shtick or by a British accent peppered with “cheeky” or “bloody cheek.” And, oh, the homoerotic dimensions to be teased out if one or more sisters are played by men!
The First Nun’s name appears only once when, true to form, she is crying: Seur esploree commence (2: 5). Distressed, flailing about, and desperate to get everything off, let’s say, a large chest, Sister Crybaby is allegedly so distraught by the threat to the convent’s reputation that she squeals on Sister Bunny. Why not turn the other cheek? Martin suspects that it’s a matter not of honor but of jealousy: a revenge-move designed to eliminate the competition (SFQS, note 26; below note 14).
“Sister Goody Two-Shoes” might well get her name from her “good heart,” but she is highly attuned to the vices of both Bunny and Mother Superior. Although the Second Nun seems a bit of a drag at first, she forsakes her elegant lexicon soon enough for “asses” and “assholes” (2: 7). With a veneer of reserve, Sister Goody speaks softly—sometimes, not at all—but, like Tartuffie of Drama Queens (#4), she carries a big stick underneath that habit.
Arriving a little later on the scene is the Third Nun, “Soeur Safrete,” whose moniker applies to someone bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Since she’s perky, lively, gay, sassy, nubile, or wanton, any number of English names would suit her, but I went with “Sister Frisky” (as did Longtin). Between her and Sister Bunny, it’s a toss-up as to who gets the funniest lines; but frolicsome Frisky gets in more than her fair share of double entendres and dirty jokes. She’s a real good-time gal who goes for the jocular.
Now enter “Mother Superior” (“L’Abeesse”) or, rather, let others enter in on her. Disturbed in flagrante with a priest—Brother Hard-On himself, asserts Martin (SFQS, note 41)—she controls neither her emotions nor her frantic cover story. All decorum drops along with somebody’s drawers, and it’s all downhill from there. For her Latin too, such as it is (SFQS, note 37). She’s the “nun from Ipanema,” as it were: she looks “but she doesn’t see.” Not even when there’s a beam in her eye. Not even when the evidence is as plain as the nose in her face—and ours.
As eagerly awaited as Molière’s Tartuffe, “Soeur Fessue” at last arrives on the scene as the piece of ass de résistance. Her coming has been foretold to us; and she stands out like a sore bun. Picture Barbara Streisand’s “funny girl” Fanny Brice crooning that she is “the beautiful reflection of her true love’s affection,” while her costume simulates an enormous baby bump.3 Technically, the name conjures “big, beautiful butt-cheeks” (RF, 11: 251–54), “Hotbuns” (Longtin), or “Bigass” (Frame); but I’ve gone with the absurdist Playboy vibe of “Bunny.” And, if that reminds you of British PM Jeremy Thorpe’s same-sex lover “Bunnies,” so much the better. Plus, there’s something incongruous about caricaturing the ass of maybe the only character who is not having anal sex. (Feel free to substitute “Fanny,” “Sweet-Cheeks,” or “Cheeky,” if you prefer.) She may be a relative newbie to the convent, which won’t stop her from mounting one helluva defense. Her manipulation of Scripture puts Mother Superior to shame and, although Martin views her theologically astute ratiocinations as a “clearly interpolated passage” (SFQS, notes 85–88), I submit that her smarts are not out of character at all (2: 26–27). Regardless of whether another voice is breaking through, she still hits all the right holy notes.
Finally, one could conceivably stage the all-purpose Brother Hard-On as a silent partner. The advantage would be the creation of some side-splitting mimed sessions; the disadvantage, the insertion of a man into an all-female cast … unless he were played by a suitably equipped female thespian. If you go that route, do heed the words of Sister Frisky: he is rouge comme un beau cherubin or “red as a beautiful cherub” (2: 12). It’s not clear that she’s talking about his face.
Language
In addition to brilliant wordplay on covering, uncovering, discovering, head-covering, and ass-covering (couvrir, descouvrir, couvre-chef, couvre-cul), Immaculate Deception revels in metacommentary on representation, faking, and laughter (faindre; pour rire). There’s also something over-the-top about the masculine pronouns (ilz) relentlessly applied to oversexed and overdetermined women. Conventional though such pronominal usage might be (FF, 53–54), it would still poke added fun at transvestite actors. Sister Bunny, for example, was not only “impregnated” and potentially “raped” (deceue et gastée [2: 7]): she is “pregnant and pregnant” (grosse & ensaincte [2: 8]) (RF, 11: 260n; SFQS, note 11). Beyond that, enceindre plays tongue-in-cheek, as it did in Cooch E. Whippet (FF, 334–35), on an almost “saintly beltedness” about the waist as it hits below the belt (sainte/ensaincte; 2: 13).
Linguistically, the primary challenge involves how to render the corrupt biblical citations in such a way that they are both recognizable and unrecognizable. Snippets from prayers, psalms, and the liturgy pop up throughout, nowhere more so than in a singular parody of Psalm 51, the prayer of repentance, where farce’s favorite activities of cleansing and purging very much apply. Meanwhile, don’t get Bunny sophistically started on the sacred seal of confession as set forth by the Fourth Lateran Council: “Let the priest absolutely beware that he does not by word or sign or by any manner whatever in any way betray the sinner.… For whoever shall dare to reveal a sin disclosed to him in the tribunal of penance we decree that he shall not only be deposed from the priestly office but that he shall also be sent into the confinement of a monastery to do perpetual penance” (Canon 21).4 Obviously, big-assed Bunny gets it ass-backward about who respects whose privacy in a very public setting.
Equally stunning: when ordered by Mother Superior to recite the benedicite, the sisters sure do a number on her with an actual song that was possibly added by a sixteenth-century player (RF, 11: 246–47). It’s a bona fide contrafactum, that is: a hybrid of sacred and secular music that, like farce itself, is stuffed into the dramatic proceedings. Intriguingly enough, moreover, a stage direction prescribes that it must be sung, not spoken, at a sixteenth-century moment when the once-blurred medieval boundaries between speaking and singing would long have been resolved: O lieu de le dire y chantent, “Instead of saying it, they sing” (RLV, fol. 208r; RFMSJ, 2: 18).5 And what they perform is the dirty “Dormez-vous, fillettes?” First published in Paris in 1536 and later set to music by Robert Godard in 1547, it’s a striking analogue to “Frère Jacques” that asks: “Are you sleeping, little nuns?”6 The answer is: not much.
Sets and Staging
In the Father’s house, there are many rooms, and Soeur Fessue offers a marvelous topography of its house of worshipping whatever. There’s the “dormitory,” accessed by a ladder (le monteur), which I’ve translated as the more resonant “night stair” (RF, 11: 279n; SFQS, note 68). There’s the camera charitatis (2: 12), the “chamber” where pilgrims were welcomed for physical and spiritual nourishment (caritatis> caro > chair): fleshtivities of manifest interest to the sisters. And there’s Mother Superior’s parloir (< parler), where she’s receiving, all right, but not doing much talking. It should be located just off the play’s centerpiece: a great hall or “chapter house,” so called because the sisters congregated daily there to hear a chapter of the monastic rule. Other spaces are referenced more indirectly, but their integration into set design is useful. A misericord comes in handy as the locus where wayward nuns were disciplined, as does a dining hall or refectory. The latter was conveniently called the frater.7 Oh, brother!
To capture the ebullient spirit of this farce, I recommend leading off with a production number. Try having the sisters sing, à la Sound of Music, “How do you solve a problem like our Bunny?” Or try the strange, sexist camp of Hong Kong Syndikat’s 1980s synthpop cover of “Concrete and Clay” that peeks briefly under a nun’s habit.8 But, mostly, the issues are dramaturgical. SPOILER ALERT! If you’d rather be surprised by the visual nature of Mother Superior’s undoing, please stop reading and proceed to the play.
As in Slick Brother Willy (#11), the big reveal turns on the use of a key prop: another pair of underwear (haut de chausse). Her unholy acts interrupted, Mother Superior finds that haste makes waste when she grabs her partner’s drawers instead of her nun’s coif (cornette). (If you’re worried about the verisimilitude of this new misprision, see below, note 10.) And let it all be on her head! The underwear too, as an “ass-covering” cover story (couvre-cul) morphs ingeniously into a “head-covering” (couvre-chef): Bien resamble / Çou de quoy en cuevre son cul (RF, 11: 242–43). But it’s a delicate dance as to who notices Mother Superior’s headgear and when. Per the text, it’s definitely Bunny, who thrice calls attention to it with variations on: A! mon Dieu, vous ne voyés pas / Ce qui vous pent devant les yeux? (2: 19, 20, 26). (The literal translation is “Oh my God, you do not see what is hanging before your eyes?”; but I’ve opted for a turn of phrase that mockingly underscores transvestism: “how it’s hangin’?”) And, while Tissier is critical of the repetition (RF, 11: 250, 269n–76n), I find that the three Petrine denials totally fit the bill. More perplexing is when everybody else catches on. Needless to say, Mother Superior is the last to perceive the damning piece of evidence; and the three sisters’ gaze can plausibly be averted by having them on their knees for a time, not daring to look the Abbess in the eye until she invites them to rise and “raise their heads”: Levés, levés la teste (2: 20).9 But do have some fun with the audience’s epiphany, which could tantalizingly be forestalled. Mother Superior could be unseen but not unheard for as long as practicable, grunting, groaning, and delivering her lines from within the parloir. Indeed, Tissier saw no other choice in that one could scarcely portray women engaged in sex acts (RF, 11: 248–50; FFMA, 4: 185–86). In the immortal words of Molière’s Tartuffe, ce n’est pas pécher que pécher en silence—“sinning in silence is no sin at all” (act 5, sc. 4)—and this play is prepared to make some noise.
Costumes and Props
Most of the props are self-explanatory—Bibles, rule books, rosaries, and the like—but the choice of which religious habits is crucial to any satire of a specific brother- or sisterhood (above, “ABT,” § “Oh, Brother”). Are the nuns Carmelites? Benedictines? A fantastical order? I suspect that we have entered a Franciscan monastery; but, in point of fact, we know little more than that the sisters are cloistered and that they sing daily praise of the Virgin Mary (2: 27). Have on hand a conductor’s baton and a gigantic Robert’s Rules of Order for the chapter meeting, along with, say, a Rule of Saint Benedict (if appropriate). But, as in our two previous plays, the essential prop is that telltale pair of drawers. Why not mount a triple bill of The Pardoners’ Tales, Slick Brother Willy, and Immaculate Deception in which unholy relics and britches come materially together? The trick is to garb the nuns in cornettes and coifs that resemble boxers closely enough to render the flustered Abbess’s misprision believable. A little net-surfing clarifies that in no time. The cornette, also a liturgical “psalter” that gets its name from the musical psaltery (Decameron, trans. Rebhorn, 702n), is a great big, floppy, two-sided headpiece: the sur-vestimentary equivalent of Brother Willy’s bissac.10 Our final farce then closes this book with its own statement about clerical fashions.
Scholarly References to Copyrighted Materials (in order of appearance and indicated by © within the text)
· “Amazing Grace.” By John Newton. (1779).
· “What’s the Buzz?” By Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Timothy Rice. ASCAP Work ID: 530169050.
· “Cry Like a Baby.” By Dewey Lindon Oldham Jr. and Daniel Pennington. BMI Work #261591.
· “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.” [“All Night, All Day, Angels Watching Over Me.”] By Otis Leon McCoy. (19th c.)
· “Three Is Company Too.” By Donald Nicholl and Joe Raposo. ASCAP Work ID: 500265976.
· “I Whistle a Happy Tune.” By Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. ASCAP Work ID: 390083480.
· “Ya Got Trouble.” By Meredith Willson. ASCAP Work ID: 550000489.
· “Pickin’ Up the Pieces.” By Richie Furay. BMI IPI #57552074.11
· “California, Here I Come.” By B. G. De Sylva, Al Jolson, and Joseph Meyer. ASCAP Work ID: 330004507.
· “Frère Jacques.” Traditional.
· “Bad Company.” By Simon Kirke and Paul Rodgers. ASCAP Work ID: 320187240.
· “I’ll Be There for You.” By David Crane, Marta Kauffman, Michael Jay Skloff, Philip Solem, Danny Wilde, and Allee Willis. BMI Work #2033645.
· “Baby, What a Big Surprise.” By Pete Cetera. ASCAP Work ID: 320230915.
· “You Give Love a Bad Name.” By Jon Bongiovi, Desmond Child, and Richard Sambora. ASCAP ID: 550147303.
· “Stairway to Heaven.” By Robert Plant and Jimmy Page. ASCAP Work ID: 490294198.
· “Hot Blooded.” By Louis A. (Andrew) Grammatico and Michael Leslie Jones. ASCAP Work ID: 380199428.
· “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Ha.” By Jerry Samuels. ASCAP Work ID: 500221503.
· “Battle Hymn of the Republic.” By Julia Ward Howe. (19th c.)
· “Girl from Ipanema.” By Vinicius de Moraes, Norman Gimbel, and Antonio Carlos Jobim. BMI Work #470303.
· “A Tisket, a Tasket.” Traditional.
· “Who’s Sorry Now?” By Burt Kalmar and Harry Ruby. ASCAP Work ID: 530081448.
· “His Love Makes Me Beautiful.” By Bob Merrill and Jule Styne. ASCAP Work ID: 380108632.
· “Maria.” By Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. ASCAP Work ID: 430030594.
· “Concrete and Clay.” By Thomas Moeller and Brian Parker. BMI Work #239352.
· “Gimme That Old Time Religion.” Gospel song. (19th c.)
· “Papa Don’t Preach.” By Brian Elliot. ASCAP Work ID: 460257114.
· “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” By Victor Carstarphen, Robert Hazard, Cyndi Lauper, Gene McFadden, Richard David Morel, John Cavadus Whitehead. ASCAP Work ID: 372137750.
· “That’s the Way I Like It.” By Harry Wayne Casey and Rick Finch. BMI Work #1481515.
· “Fat-Bottomed Girls.” By Brian Harold May. BMI Work #406587.
· “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” By Randy Newman. ASCAP ID: 550069602.
· “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves.” By Ann Lennox and David Allan Stewart. ASCAP Work ID: 790710124.
[Possible opening music.]12
[Scene 1]
[At the convent near the sisters’ chambers]
Enter SISTER CRYBABY, The First Nun
O sister, good sister! I once was lost© but, now, Sister Goody, I’m most certainly not found. I’m so beside myself, I can’t take it anymore.
SISTER GOODY TWO-SHOES, The Second Nun
What is it, sister? Bad news? Don’t tell me you’ve been laying ye down in green pastures again. A little splendor in the grass?
SISTER CRYBABY
Nuh-uh.
SISTER GOODY
So, enlighten me.
SISTER CRYBABY
I’ll never tell.
SISTER GOODY
But—Lord have mercy!—I could comfort you in your hour of need and ease your troubles. You must tell me. Get it all off your chest. There are no secrets between friends.
SISTER CRYBABY
Oh, my dear! [She swoons.]
SISTER GOODY
You better sit down. You’re obviously upset about something. Speak up. Tell me what’s on your mind. What’s wrong with you?
SISTER CRYBABY
Nothing.
SISTER GOODY
Once and for all: out with it! Now, tell me the truth. [No secrets, I said.] Have you been at it again? What’s the matter? Who’s laid you down so low?
SISTER CRYBABY
Sshhh! Keep your voice down! I’ll never tell [and I won’t squeal either]. It’s a matter of honor.
SISTER GOODY
Always the same old song, and it’s not making any sense.
[Aside to the audience] She doesn’t know her honor from her ass.
SISTER CRYBABY
Sshhh! Once you mount that holy rod, there’s no going back. As Mother Superior knows full well.
SISTER GOODY
Good heavens! And, for that, I’m truly sorry … that I even asked.
SISTER CRYBABY
No, no, I’ll tell you the whole story. It’s just that … You know Sister Bunny, right? [Sister Hotbuns? Sister Sweet-Cheeks? Soeur Fessue? Sister Bigass? Sister Bunny, for God’s sake!] Well, Brother Hard-On’s gone and done her. Pushed his way in and spoiled that whole thing.
SISTER GOODY
Ave Maria!
SISTER CRYBABY
She’s pregnant! And she’s already showing. [There is little reaction.]
For God’s sake, sister, I’m not kidding. She’s knocked up! which is why we’ve all clammed up. We’re speechless because res ipsa poke-at-her. And we’re all goin’ down with her!13
SISTER GOODY
Ave Maria and Jesus! I’ve gotten plenty of tail—and plenty of satisfaction—in my day without ever getting knocked up.
SISTER CRYBABY
Lord have mercy, me too! Done it every which way. All over the place, just like her.
SISTER GOODY
Ave Maria! Oh, the pain! Oh, the suffering! My heart bleeds for her.
[Enter] SISTER FRISKY, The Third Nun
What’s the buzz? Tell me what’s a-happening? What’s the buzz? Tell me what’s a-happening?© What’s up with the big debate? What were you two talking about just now? Lemme in on it, wouldya? It’ll be fun.
SISTER CRYBABY
It’s nothing, really.
SISTER FRISKY
You two were talking love, weren’t you? Right here, right now! But see if I care. Yeah, see if I care. I get my fair share: as much as any of the other sisters communing their asses off around here. [It’s a holy fucking Trinity!] So, go ahead, spill. You can tell me.
SISTER GOODY
As if we didn’t know that you’re not exactly the only one giving it her all. But the latest dirt is going to cause such a huge scandal, the dishonor’s going to bring down the house!
[Sister Crybaby weeps histrionically.]
SISTER FRISKY
[Dirtbag’s more like.] But what’s with you cry-babies anyhow? Some thingy on your mind? Whatever did we find out this time? Come on, give it up: Who’s in the hot seat?
The first and the second [nun] speak together.
SISTERS GOODY and CRYBABY
It’s Sister Bunny, who’s gone and done …
SISTER FRISKY
What?
SISTER GOODY
We don’t dare say …
SISTER FRISKY
Oh, go on, say. It’s a farce, [for God’s sake!] It’ll be fun.
SISTER CRYBABY
Fun? Lord have mercy, sister, you can’t possibly conceive … I’m weeping and wailing from the pain! Whenever I think about it, I cry like a baby.©
SISTER FRISKY
Who’s the cause of this?
The first and the second [nun] speak together.
SISTERS GOODY and CRYBABY
Sister Bunny.
SISTER CRYBABY
All night, all day,© I break into a sweat, I’m hot and cold all over, I can’t sleep a wink. There is no peace, no rest from all the pain and the fear and the trembling.
SISTER FRISKY
Who’s done you like this?
The first and the second [nuns] speak together.
SISTERS GOODY and CRYBABY
Sister Bunny. She’s really gone and done it.
SISTER FRISKY
Done it on her knees, more like.
SISTER CRYBABY
Done it like all of us. But the worst of it is, she’s knocked up.
SISTER FRISKY
Knocked up? What a dumb-ass! Jesus Christ! I’d be astonished if that sort of thing were allowed. Now, without necessarily impugning anybody’s honor or pointing any fingers or anything, let’s have it: Whodunit?
SISTER CRYBABY
Brother Hard-On.
SISTER FRISKY
Lord have mercy and, oh, mama! She’s a fallen woman! But—hail Mary and, hell, Mary!—where the hail are we going to hide her till she’s ready to give birth?
SISTER GOODY
How should I know?
SISTER CRYBABY
Remember that time when I caught her in the—? Let’s just say I’ve known for quite some time that she’s a good-time gal. She’s always been a bit too open-minded for the religious life.
SISTER FRISKY
Open for business, more like. And up for a good time. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She’s been in love with you-know-who forever and—.
SISTER CRYBABY
Who, Sister?
SISTER FRISKY
Who else? Brother Hard-On. [O rocks of Ages!] Red and ruddy as a fat-cheeked little cherub. One time, I was messing around with Brother Dicky—you know—in private session, in camera, in the frater. Sweet. But Hard-On’s a good time. Plus, you know: three is company too.©
SISTER GOODY
Oh, Sister Frisky! He can be so warm and sweet when he wants to stick it in stiff.
SISTER CRYBABY
Oh yeah! Really sets you on the straight and narrow. Whenever I feel afraid, good Brother Hard-On holds his head erect,© wraps himself around me, and hammers in that lesson but good. I get it right away.
SISTER GOODY
Is that so? He’s got no fault to find with me. We have what you’d call a friendly arrangement. I’ve vowed to love, honor, and obey. Do unto others and such. It’s only fitting.
SISTER CRYBABY
I get what you mean about Brother Hard-On’s largesse, and he’s definitely love-worthy and all. But we’ve got our reputations to consider, you know. We can’t have people thinking that the holy life is some farce. It’s too much to bear. So, I, for one, say we make a clean breast of it and tell Mother Superior that Sister Bunny is pregnant.
[No one speaks.]
No kidding.14
SISTER GOODY
You go, girl!
SISTER FRISKY
Sister, girl! You go! And, miserere nobis, Daddy-o Confessor! “Thou shalt wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” Just stick him in the misericord and he’ll be gettin’ his in no time. On his knees!15
SISTER GOODY
I say he gets solitary. He can do the time deep inside my chamber. [And thou shalt open my lips, O Lord: and my mouth shall show Thy praise.]
SISTER FRISKY
Okay by me! You love him; I get it. But, in the name of Saint Peter, Peter, penance-eater: now you’re really talkin’ Christian charity!
[Sister Crybaby goes to fetch Mother Superior; Sisters Goody and Frisky remain behind in prayer.]16
[Scene 2]
[Sounds of religious ecstasy emanate from the parlor. Sister Crybaby knocks; and, after a certain amount of time, a flushed and flustered Mother Superior emerges, wearing a curious piece of headgear.]
The first, SISTER CRYBABY, going to Mother Superior to speak with her
Ave Maria.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Gratia plena. Hail Mary, full of grace. What’s wrong? What brings you by?17
SISTER CRYBABY
[{To the audience} What? I need just cause?]
No particular reason. I just wanted to see you.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I was just in my parlor prior to our repast, deep in meditation, taking in the word of God, that He might lift me up and edify me, body and soul.
SISTER CRYBABY
Lord have mercy! If only Death had come for me! ’Twould be a far, far better thing!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What’s wrong with you? Are you in love again? Don’t tell me you’re still longing for worldly things …
SISTER CRYBABY
Nuh-uh, that’s not it.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
… because, as many earthly delights as there are out in the world, you can find it all right here, within our walls. This house is certainly no exception. You can take a lover any time.
SISTER CRYBABY
Lord have mercy, I’m sweating all over! Oh, the pain! I can’t hold it in anymore. But my wretched heart dare not offend.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What on earth is wrong with you, dear?
SISTER CRYBABY
It’s Sister Bunny. She’s gone and done …
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What? Has she insulted you? because, believe you me, I’ll put in her solitary—I swear to God—unless … Don’t tell me she’s been pretending to be a virgin again! I do wish she’d knock it off already with the immaculate deception.18
SISTER CRYBABY
[In a whisper]19 She’s gone and done …
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What? What are you trying to say? Speak up!
SISTER CRYBABY
She’s gone and done …
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What already?
SISTER CRYBABY
It. She did it. Corpus “delecti.” Coitus non interruptus.20
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Good God Almighty, who’da thunk it? That big, fat, knocked-up sinner! Up hers! Sea culpa, sea maxima culpa. Peck-peck-peccavit! And has she ever got one great big load of penance coming her way now!
SISTER CRYBABY
She did it, all right: led all the way into temptation and, now, pregnantia est. Grossus.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
That vile slut! She’s really gonna get it now. But to whom, pray tell, did she give it up?
SISTER CRYBABY
Brother Hard-On, the monk. Way up. Ages ago.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
And we’ve got trouble.© Ring those bells! Summon all the sistren to the chapter house! Adeste fidelis! Venite! Venite! Ding-us, dong-us, dong-us. Get her gluteus maximus in here this very minute!
[Scene 3]
[At the ringing of the bells, the other sisters rush to the chapter house, kneeling before Mother Superior and averting their eyes. They rise only when invited to do so.]
SISTER GOODY
Hurry, sisters. On our knees for assembly.
SISTER FRISKY
You go, girl!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
So, what are you waiting for? Sing!
[Sister Crybaby takes the lead and moves with great solemnity until the group morphs into a girl band. She taps her conductor’s baton.]
SISTER CRYBABY
The benedicite!
Instead of speaking it here, they sing.
[We’re pickin’ and grinnin’©—Christ died for our sinnin’—so, open, up those pearly gates,© because here we come! Consummatum est. Sing it with me, sisters! Hit it, girls!]
Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
little nuns, little nuns?
Burning up with longing,
ready for ding-donging.
Ding-dong-ding, ding-dong-ding.
Are you sleeping, all alone there,
little nuns, little nuns?
Eaten up with longing,
longing for ding-donging,
ding-dong-ding, ding-dong-dong.
Are you sleeping, all alone there,
little nuns, little nuns?
Open up for loving,
here to kingdom coming!
ding-dong-ding, dong-dong-dong.©21
[Scene 4]
Enter SISTER BUNNY
Uh oh. This doesn’t look good. [Ask not for whom the bell tolls because …] I guess I’m persona non grata around here.
Ave Maria, gratia poena and suffering!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Venite, approachamus, Madamus, and genuflectus prontissimo! Whatever possessed you to play hide the saucisson, I’d like to know, et mountibus balonia ponia? I will get to the bottom of this.22
SISTER GOODY
You’re a fallen woman and you’re bringing us all down with you.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
From this day forward, you shall be forever shunned. It’s hell, fire, and brimstone for you, my girl, and bad company till the day you die!© What in the world got into you? How could you have been so careless? Bang, bang! You’re dead. [And your afterlife’s DOA.©]
SISTER BUNNY
[Pointing toward Mother Superior’s head.] Oh. My. God. Right before your eyes!© Plain as the nose on your face! You really don’t see how it’s hanging?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
And let this be on your head!
[Aside] [Hold onto your hat, sister,] because you’d never catch me exposing my reputation like that.
SISTER BUNNY
[My head?] Lord have mercy, talk about exposure! There are none so blind as those who do not see. There! Right before your very eyes!© The evidence is pretty much in your face, albeit not yet known to all. For, yea: thou seest through an ass darkly, but not face-to-face. [And cheat front, for God’s sake! The audience hasn’t caught on either.]
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I’m in charge here—master of your domain—and your punishment shall fit the crime.
SISTER BUNNY
Oh. My. God. Do you really not see what’s—? Right before your very eyes!© Plain as the nose in your face? You still don’t see how it’s hanging? Sure, I’ve been sinning like crazy and I feel really guilty about it and all, but—
MOTHER SUPERIOR
But what?
SISTER BUNNY
But I see your but[t] and raise you [one, two, three, four, five senses]. It’s not like there aren’t five hundred folks out there who think this is any kinda big deal. They don’t do no better than me, [do you, folks?]23
MOTHER SUPERIOR
[To the other nuns] Rise, sisters, raise your heads and behold!
[To Sister Bunny] [Of all the bloody cheek!] You’re a lying little slut and you’ve committed a mortal sin.
SISTER CRYBABY
Make her good and miserere-able, Mother, for having conceived with sin.
SISTER BUNNY
And forgive Sister Bunny. Turn Thy face from my sins. [“For I acknowledge my faults but your sin is ever before me.”]
[Mother Superior menaces Sister Bunny with a whip.]
SISTER FRISKY
Make her pay! She’s so far gone, that penance needs to hit her where she lives.
SISTER BUNNY
“For behold what is shapen in wickedness!” And forgive Sister Bunny her … girth.
SISTER CRYBABY
She does have a point. You don’t want to be hurting the precious fruit of her womb or anything.
SISTER BUNNY
Imagine, if you will, that someone had given you the buns’ rush in the middle of your business. [Talk about a pain in the—.] You would’ve found yourself in a much worse pickle than me and—know what? You would’ve totally freaked out.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Silence! That will be quite enough of that! I’m still conducting my inquiry. Now, who is responsible for this trespass? Who knocked you up? You’re so fat you’re about to pop.
SISTER BUNNY
Who do you think, Madame? Brother Hard-On. Shot through the heart and he’s to blame. He gives religion a bad name.© But I do beg forgiveness. Please.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
And where, pray tell, might this have been?
SISTER BUNNY
Not that it’s any business of yours, but it was in the dormitory, right by that stairway to Heaven.©
SISTER GOODY
Why didn’t you scream bloody murder?
SISTER BUNNY
You don’t hear anyone else screamin’ around here, do you?
SISTER FRISKY
[Aside] She must be kidding. This is all gonna come down on Mother Superior’s head.
SISTER BUNNY
Scream? How was I supposed to scream when I was so overcome I was practically swooning? Besides, according to our Rules of Order, which I’ve never breached, by the way, we’ve all taken a vow of silence. There’s no talking in the dormitory: [I had to hold my tongue.] After all, if I’d had the temerity to make any noise or commotion whatsoever—raise any sort of hue and cry—it would have been on my head, and a grave violation of the rules. Which is why I didn’t dare say a word.
SISTER CRYBABY
A laughable excuse, I must say.
SISTER GOODY
She did keep that vow of silence.24
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Now, you listen to me: What stopped you from giving a sign—[some kind of sign©]—that you needed help? You wouldn’t have borne the assault. We would have come straightaway—rushed right over—you bet your ass.
SISTER BUNNY
My ass! No, really, my ass. Lord have mercy, I gave a rectal sign. But nobody came to help. [She demonstrates with a fart.]
SISTER FRISKY
[Aside] Come running? Moi? I wouldn’t have touched that thing with a ten-foot pole. [She that troubleth her own house shall inherit the wind!]
SISTER CRYBABY
Rectal sign, my ass!
SISTER FRISKY
Coulda happened. Brother Hard-On’s a holy terror. Maybe that’s the only sign poor Sister Dumb-Ass over there coulda made.
SISTER CRYBABY
It is the tell-tail sign, you know.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
But she’s been knocked up for a whole year already! It’s inconceivable that she couldn’t have found some way to tell me—tell all of us—that she was with child.
SISTER BUNNY
Tell you? Lord have mercy!
SISTER GOODY
You’re darn tootin’, tell! Tell, tell!
SISTER BUNNY
I beg to differ with your logic there.
SISTER FRISKY
How do you figure?
SISTER BUNNY
[But lo, Thou requirest truth in the inward parts.] Lord have mercy! After committing such a grave trespass, I was really in the hot seat and my heart was beset with remorse. I was terrified that the Devil, the Great Deceiver, was coming to take me away© for my sin. So, I prayed the Lord that, in His infinite goodness, He might forgive me, as He does all men of good will. And I asked good Brother Hard-On to hear my confession. But, then, as he was discharging his duties and granting me absolution, he stated in no uncertain terms that I was absolutely forbidden to speak of what the two of us had done, which instruction I obeyed, lest I be damned for all eternity. Because, to break the seal of the confessional and reveal the priest’s secrets: that’s all it takes and, there you go: you’re rottin’ in hell with the most hardened of sinners and heretics, forever and ever.
SISTER CRYBABY
Now we’re getting somewhere. It’s quite the explanation, really. And she did say she was sorry.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
You’ll be punished for this if it’s the last thing I do. Tua culpa, tua maxima culpa! Oh, the shame! Oh, the sin! [Shame! Shame!]
SISTER BUNNY
Lord have mercy, Mother, puh-lease: Look not upon my sins but upon your own, deep within. [I say: Hey, lady! People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.] And don’t you be thinking that—25
MOTHER SUPERIOR
What? Don’t be thinking what, you sneaky little slut? Have I ruined your reputation?26
SISTER BUNNY
[Whipping out a Bible] “And why beholdest thou the speck of dust that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” [Matthew 7:3: If thine eye offend thee, fuck it out!]
MOTHER SUPERIOR
My eye! My reputation’s doin’ a helluva lot better than yours, honey.
SISTER BUNNY
“Judge not, lest ye be judged. For our judgments are odious in the eyes of the Lord, the King of Kings.” You know the drill, chapter and verse. [“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”] And Saint Paul said unto us: “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else”—thus spake the glorious apostle—“for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”27
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Wicked girl! I’ve had just about enough preaching outta you, you cheeky little bitch! Am I like you? Really? [She gestures to a statue of the Virgin Mary.] In the name of the blessed Mother—[we only sing her praises every single day around here! You know: the one who conceived without sin?]—you’ll pay for this. Repent ye sinner!
SISTER FRISKY
Oh, come on, Mother, she’ll come around. Could she just take her vows again or something? It would be for the best. [Maybe try another religion?]
SISTER BUNNY
[Thine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!©] In your face! The beam in thine own eye, I said, plain as the nose on your—.
[With a grand demonstrative gesture, Sister Bunny touches Mother Superior’s headgear.]
It’s a dead giveaway. And it demonstrates for all to see—no doubt about it!—that you’ve been getting down and dirty yourself.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
The beam in mine own eye? The nose on my face? [Finally, she notices her lover’s underwear on her head.] Ave Maria, [Soeur Fessue]! What on earth is this? This is what comes of rushing me when I’m otherwise engaged. Oh my God! I must admit this is rather embarrassing.
SISTER CRYBABY
Unless mine eyes deceive me, I do believe that what we have here is a pair of drawers.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Ave Maria, holy moly, and mama mia! I’m no less to blame than Sister Bunny!
SISTER GOODY
[Examining the drawers] Is this item part of our habits now? I’m not entirely certain this is the regulation underwear.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I’m not exactly pleased with myself here. Sorry about that.
SISTER FRISKY
Oh. My. God. That’s some piece of equipment—and a helluva pair! Is this what all the abbesses are wearing these days? Awesome new look for the sister with balls.
SISTER CRYBABY
A pair of drawers!
[Sister Goody examines the drawers more closely, perhaps pointing out a stain. The sisters might throw the underwear around in a game of catch, taking turns putting it on their heads.]
SISTER GOODY
What did you say this was again?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Let’s drop it, shall we?
SISTER FRISKY
Oh, come on, can’t you take a joke? And, by the way, you’re in no position to be denying Sister Bunny absolution. Nothing comes between her and salvation.
SISTER GOODY
Drawers on the head. Quite the fashion statement, really. [She looks, but she doesn’t see.©]
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Oh, the hell with it!
SISTER FRISKY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s step on it, shall we? One hand washes the other. Same thing goes for all of us. What goes around comes around. And you know what they say about close shaves. So, maybe let’s make like a barber and—[grabbing the boxers off whomever’s head]—take a little bit off the top! Now, go on: absolve her already! [She models the drawers on her head.]
SISTER CRYBABY
Now that’s what I call a madcap fashion statement!
[To Mother Superior] You were just getting ready to bring on the audi nos. [Oh Lord, hear our prayer. Yo, lord! Are you there?]
[Sister Bunny falls to her knees for absolution.]
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Bless you, sister, for you have sinned, just like the rest of us. #MeToo, Fessue. [She makes the sign of the cross.] Ergo, honey Bunny, absolvo te—I absolve you—out of the kindness of my heart. Again. Gratis. This one’s on me; this bun’s for you. And it’s in the bag.
As you were. Consider yourself cleansed. Go in peace, come in peace. [All’s well in the ends well. Now, make like a nun and get the frock outta here!]
[To the audience] [No, not you, folks! A tisket, a tasket, we’re gonna pass the basket.©] It’s time for collection.28
SISTER BUNNY
Deo gratias! And who’s sorry now?© Not me! She was blind, but now I see.©
SISTER CRYBABY
And there you have it. To my mind, it’s illogical that one man would accuse another of the very same sin with which he himself is stained, sullied, and besmirched. Now, wipe that smirch off your face because both are to blame. [And turn the other cheeky because], as you’ve seen here for yourselves today, sin will out. Witness the case of Mother Superior and Sister Bunny. [It’s the doctrine of clean hands, folks:] the sin of one is the sin of all. [All are punishèd. Uncivil farce shows civil hands unclean.] Let those without sin cast the first stones.29
[Doubled version begins here.]
Thus, I conclude that there’s a major error
with slut-shaming for sins known all too well
by the accusers—sullied, holy terrors—
they’re stained with shame: they’re going straight to hell.
We’ve made our case today; so, time will tell.
The truth is in your face: it isn’t funny,
like when the Abbess trashed our Sister Bunny.
How ’bout a song before we runny?
Adieu for now. Show us the money.
[At the close of the doubled version, they all sing.]30
The END