CAST OF CHARACTERS
JOHNNY GLAD-HAND PALMER, a Monk (Jenyn à Paulme)
JOANIE, Johnny’s Sister (La Seur Jenyn)
JOACHIM, a Brother (Joachin)
TONI, Johnny’s Cousin (Thoynon)
BROTHER BIRDIE, a Drag Queen (Caillette)
[Toni’s Baby]
PRODUCTION NOTES
The Farce nouvelle et fort joyeuse de la resurrection Jenin à Paulme (RC, #50) might well be anonymous; but its 330 rhymed octosyllabic verses terminate with a shout-out to its possible authors, the students of the famous Collège de Beauvais: Vive les enfans de Beauvais! (RC, 346n; below, note 23). It was edited by Cohen (RC, 405–11), Koopmans (RFlorence, 709–20), and Martin in SFQS (https://sottiesetfarces.wordpress.com/2013/07/18/la-resurrection-jenin-a-paulme/); and summarized by Faivre in Répertoire (382–83). Per “ABT,” I cite by verse number from the easier-to-access RC, supplying the occasional lesson from RFlorence and SFQS. To my knowledge, there is no English or modern French translation.
The dates proposed for our play range from 1499 (SFQS, “Introd.”) to the second decade of the sixteenth century (RFlorence, 720), that is, contemporaneous with the French wars in Italy under the reign of Louis XII (1498–1515). As partial proof, Martin cites the deceased “Jénin des Paulmes” from Légier d’argent, another RC farce (#25) that seems to allude to the French occupation of Milan (1499–1500) (SFQS, “Introd.”). But, mostly, those hypotheses have to do with the character of Caillette, a famous jester in the courts of Charles VII and Louis XII, and whose name was also on the lips of Clément Marot and Bonaventure des Périers (SFQS, “Introd.”). While we know nothing of any performance of Johnny Palmer, Petit de Julleville catalogued a lost Résurrection de l’Abbé performed in 1529 in Montpellier by student actors (RTC, 312). It was likely a celebration by such a theatrical society as the Conards, he surmised, who, after a long absence, were returning triumphantly to the stage (RTC, 374).
Plot
In the first of our two Resurrection plays, Johnny Glad-Hand Palmer has risen at Easter, that most sacred moment of the liturgical calendar. Like Jesus, he too has been to hell and back; but this is no Palm Sunday quem quaeritis trope, that harbinger of the so-called origins of liturgical drama. Make way, folks, for Johnny-Palmer Sunday and for farce’s own spin on the “Harrowing of Hell,” when a resurrected Jesus descended to the underworld to free the imprisoned souls.1 Make way too for a bunch of drunken, sotie-like fools rising up to harrow the hell out of ecclesiastical justice on earth. And curtain up on a bona fide medieval theater of the absurd.2 Think of Johnny Palmer as Christ in the temple turned upside down: the afterworld à l’envers.3
As Johnny’s sister laments his untimely demise, Brother Joachim tries to cheer her up with sex, when, lo and behold! Enter none other than Johnny: player par excellence of tennis and what-have-you, newly resurrected, and ready to party. Eventually, they are joined by Cousin Toni (Thoynon), who has recently given birth, and Drag Queen Birdie (Caillette), after which Joanie calls a mock court to order. Part Town Council and part tribunal, this semilegal body rules that all resurrected fools like Johnny shall have a place of refuge: the new religious house of the Order of Baboons. And they all live happily ever after or, as the French say, tout finit par des chansons: “it all ends with songs” (of which Brown has identified six [MFST, 190, 222, 230, 232, 263–64, 279]). In Johnny Palmer, it’s more like tout finit par des boissons—“it all ends with drink,” and with any vessel whence it spurts.
Faivre was not impressed. Just another one of those mediocre student farces, he griped, which didn’t hold a candle to The Resurrection of Johnny Slack-Jaw (#9). There weren’t even any good descriptions of the afterlife (Répertoire, 382)! And yet, Faivre floated an intriguing hypothesis that Koopmans rejected (RFlorence, 720n): What if the hell that Johnny had endured lay not across the river Styx but just down the road apiece at the Châtelet prison (Répertoire, 383)? And what if the liberated souls were his fellow prisoners, also to return from the dead but when their prison terms were up? “Nothing supernatural in the return of Johnny Palmer,” jokes Faivre: “he lived his hell in the heart of Paris, a few feet away from the Latin Quarter” (Répertoire, 383). This was a “metaphorical death,” concurs Tissier, “of his état civil” or status as a free man (RF, 11: 25). So, what was Johnny in for? Was he an actor who, like others (MES, 332–36), was jailed for an anticlerical farce? An impecunious fellow languishing for years in debtor’s prison (Geltner, “Medieval Prisons,” 4)? Or was it a single night in the drunk tank? Dramaturgy will decide.
Ultimately, in a denouement that flips Rabelais’s Abbaye de Thélème on its ass, the Company erects an edifice dedicated not to noble lords and ladies in love (CWFR, 116–27) but to the Order of Baboons. Johnny Palmer wraps when Birdie ascends to a throne or chaire (v. 297) that sounds more like a toilet. And not just any toilet-throne, mind you, but the “Seat of Shit” associated with the legendary Pope Joan, the infamous ninth-century woman who had masqueraded her way into the papacy. Her sacrilegious subterfuge led to the manufacture of a special chair, pierced through with a hole through which any future Pope’s manhood could be verified.4 No more transvestite travesties, thank you very much, as Johnny Palmer comes to a close in a synesthetic symphony of sights, sounds, smells, touch, and taste. Between ramming a resistant spigot into the bunghole of a wine cask and the omnipresent cacophony of an enthroned Birdie’s gastric distress, we’re about to learn that he who troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind. And the wine. That’s right: a bunghole is both the oenological and the anatomical term that farce so frequently “comedifies.” It’s more constipated than consecrated. And, for Johnny Palmer’s Baboons—holy shit!—it’s quite the seat of power. Restore us, says farce, and regain the blissful seat!
Characters and Character Development
In a comment subsequently removed from SFQS, Thierry Martin quipped that “the characters are totally insane and the author himself must have been drunk.” He had a point; and their insanity must be played up. Their accents too, as when Johnny returns from hell speaking the heavily marked—and heavily mocked—northern Picard dialect (SFQS, “Introd.”). (Johnny Slack-Jaw of #9 returns from Heaven speaking Latin or, at least, “kitchen Latin.”) For the most part, I’ve left the script dialectally unmarked so that the play’s highly localized vibe may be adapted to any desired regionalism; but, since the opening verses are very close to country music, one can confidently pepper the script with y’all. Hype its joyous anticlericalism with “Brother” or “Sister” So-and-So. Go all in. Go all out. Do notice, though, that there is a formality and an elegance to the grammar underneath the accents, particularly when the cast has truck with Joanie.
Known throughout only as “Johnny’s Sister” (La Seur à Jenyn), emotional “Joanie” cries, flails, and laments; she also jokes and plays straight-woman. Her relationship with the dearly departed can best be described as inappropriate. “If Johnny’s sister grieves for him,” remarks Faivre, “it’s because [Johnny] used to take her from convent to convent to get groped by the monks” (Répertoire, 382). So, is Sister Joanie a prostitute and her late brother a pimp? Another fallen sister? Her grammar is largely superior to that mangled by the other hicks onstage; and, oddly enough, the first Latin we hear is hers (v. 11), not Brother Joachim’s. She disdainfully tutoies him, by the way, while he uses vous with her; and any momentary politesse of hers can be chalked up to the presence of song lyrics. Once Birdie and Toni are on the scene, Joanie is somewhat dwarfed; but she reasserts herself at the end.
Brother Joachim (Joachin) is a thoughtless and crass lecher who swears like a stevedore by any saint that comes to mind (like Kathy Griffin’s mother?). Suspected to be a Franciscan by Martin, he conjures the celebrated contrepèterie about heading over to les bons Cordeliers (“good Franciscans”) to find cons bordeliers (“whored-out cunts” or, for that matter, “assholes”) (SFQS, note 20). Whatever his order, Joachim is eager to pick up where Johnny left off: namely, by pimping Joanie out to anyone but the sleazy Franciscans. Does he know them too well? Excessive in food, drink, and gaillardise (v. 306), he appears to have fathered a child out of wedlock. Just ask Toni. After all, Saint Joachim was the patron saint of fathers, among others. But this one seems to be the funhouse mirror image of Joachim of Nazareth, husband to Saint Anne and the putative Father of the Virgin Mary, for whom childlessness initially had been an issue. And one last thing: with almost fifty scripted pieces of dialogue, Jokin’ Joachim is a big talker. True, not everything lands; but, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try … to hear the telltale drum that punctuates any contemporary stand-up comedian’s joke that bombs.
Our title character, “Jenin à Paulme,” is a most unholy palmer who can’t keep his palms to himself. Johnny is a player, a pimp, and a real “handful” after a “handout.” The better to preserve his status as a joueur de paume, the precursor to a tennis player, I’ve kept his palm in the game as “Johnny Palmer.” Notwithstanding his recent sojourn in hell, his body still works like a charm, as evidenced by its extensive sonorous and olfactory participation. Indeed, in light of the play’s propensity for onomatopoeia (below, § “Language”), a latter-day Johnny could channel his inner Monica Seles and grunt like crazy. It’s all in keeping with the digestive, flatulent, and excremental activities to come from atop the “seat of shit.” Be sure to give Johnny a funny accent too, to go with his stylistic tics. And imagine him as Gargantuan. It can’t be purely coincidental that Rabelais’s Gargantua concludes with a “Prophetic Riddle” (chap. 58) that’s a vision of either the Apocalypse or a tennis match. Keep your eye on the ball, then, and …
Watch the Birdie—oops! that’s badminton—watch for the dynamic duo of “Birdie” (Caillette) and “Toni” (Thoynon). Koopmans even goes so far as to speculate that the former might have been played by Caillette himself (RFlorence, 720). Herself? Themselves? Far and away the most extraordinary aspect of this role is its Butlerian gender trouble, here accompanied by pronoun trouble. Is the frenetically singing and dancing Caillette a man? a woman? a drag queen? a farcical version of Kabuki’s onnagata? It turns out that much gets sorted out if we employ gender-nonbinary pronouns for Birdie, who should be played high camp with an enormous bosom. Why “Birdie”? Aside from denoting a frivolous and talkative person, a caillette, which sounds like “little quail,” is also a cow’s stomach, the locus for secreting gastric juices. Birdie does plenty of that, especially when seeking to “relieve themselves” (faire mon aisement [vv. 298]) toward the end of the play with “a volley of stinky farts” (Répertoire, 382). Are there any other kind? And one more tidbit: while Faivre understands Caillette to be Toni’s brother (Répertoire, 382), I’m not so sure. That determination seems to be based on Toni’s wish that “my brother” come along to Johnny’s resurrection (Mon frère, or allez … au ressuscitement de Jenin! [vv. 255–57]). Since Joachim is present too at that moment, Birdie might just as readily be referring to him—Joachim—with the more generic “my brother.” Nor does it help that the characters alternate constantly between tu and vous, such that it is challenging to distinguish politesse from plural addressees.
As for cousin Thoynon (deriving from “Anthony”), “Toni” is prone to decent grammar and indecent behavior. She’s hell-bent on correcting Birdie for the same eating, drinking, and partying in which she herself indulges. Do as she says, not as she does. What with frequenting shady neighborhoods, Toni has gotten pregnant (vv. 185–92), which didn’t stop Koopmans from mistaking her for a man (RFlorence, 715n)! All those masculine pronouns referring to women can get confusing, I’ll grant you (FF, 53–54)—beyond which, farce has been known to stage a pregnant man, as in Le Galant qui a fait le coup (RLV, #39). But not this time. And whose kid is it anyway? It’s Joachim’s, in all likelihood; so, dramaturgically, I’d draw inspiration from an old Howard Stern bit reprised in Private Parts and get that baby into the act: at least the sound of its bawling up in Heaven. Womp-womp, wah-wah, boo-hoo. Toni loves onomatopoeia and—how convenient!—Thoynon rhymes with the hon! hon! of laughter in the same way that Toni rhymes with hee, hee! Ergo, hee, hee, hee, hee, all the way home!
Language
Linguistically and ideologically macaronic, Johnny Palmer is all about taverns and nightclubs, courts and Councils, food and drink, dancing and partying, boating and piracy, wine casks and bungholes, digestion and excretion, and, at its potty-mouthed worst, thrones and toilets. It is all the more logical that, during a struggle with a recalcitrant bunghole, wordplay gets so explosive that it recalls this modern contrepèterie: pour trouver le trou du fût, il faut écarter les caisses (“to find the hole of the cask, you must move the barrels out of the way”). When you turn the spoonerism on its ass, you get: pour trouver le trou du cul, il faut écarter les fesses (“to find the asshole, you must move the butt cheeks aside”). Elsewhere, our play conducts an intertextual discussion with Cooch E. Whippet (FF, 364–65) or The Shithouse (HD, 97) about the inhabitants of hell. It tips its fool’s cap to a gorrière’s fashion sense (#4, Drama Queens) and to the Chaucerian gelding of Brother Fillerup’s prescription (#6). There’s also a concrete reference to a troupe of brotherly actors or student performers, as in #10, The Pardoners’ Tales and #11, Slick Brother Willy. But, mostly, it’s tennis take all, with rackets, paddles, volleys, backhand, balls in the air, and onomatopoeia up the wazoo. You’ll find some of the original Middle French noise—or music—in italics: the jubilant tarara, tararirene, hy! hy! (v. 100), the magical ababou, tanfarara, tanfarara (v. 92), the hoisting touet, touet (v. 177), the giggling hon, hon, hon, hen, hen! (MFST, 190; 222; 230; 232; 263). I even intuit a couple of Ubu-Roy-like moments where it seems that we’re hearing an obscenity until a final consonant resolves the meaning in favor of something else: maire> merde (“Mayor” vs. “shit”); faire chière [lye] > faire chier (“to party” vs. “to make someone shit”) (notes 16 and 22). It’s what you might call a trompe-l’oreille.
Sets and Staging
There’s a distinct neighborhood feel to the Parisian setting teeming with pubs and clubs. Think Soho, think theater district, think Moulin Rouge, Folies Bergères, Crazy Horse, and seedier Pigalle. And do depict those nightspots on the backdrop, along with a tennis court. Some of the locales may be fictional, such as the “Champ Gaillard” (RFlorence, 718n). As the construction site for the Church of the Resurrected Baboons, it is presumably a street—or a house—of ill repute in the Fifth Arrondissement (SFQS, note 133); but, for legibility, it shall be another Gallic “field”: the Champs-Elysées. Other establishments are real (RC, xxi–xxvii), notably the Châtelet and the Collège de Beauvais (v. 326). The former was intimately connected to farce, hosting Basochial pleadings in the Grand’ Chambre and detainees in Châtelet prison (TB, 8–27; ROMD, chap. 3; RFlorence, 720). The latter, founded in 1370 by Jean de Dormans, Bishop of Beauvais, was situated in Le Bourg l’Abbé (v. 193), roughly corresponding to today’s Third Arrondissement (RC, xxvi; SFQS, note 81; RC, xxvi; RFlorence, 719n). And then, there’s the Pomme de pin (v. 225), or “The Pinecone,” a favorite hangout of Villon and Rabelais (RC, xxiii), the sexual and theological symbolism of which would have escaped no farceur. (I’ll be going with “The Winey Little Bitch.”) Women used to place pinecones under their pillows for fertility; and the Pope’s own staff bore a pinecone, to say nothing of the three-story-tall bronze Pigna in Vatican City.5
Now, consider the Ruppée (v. 227), which, in a way, I might have treated under § “Language.” Cohen gave up on identifying it (RC, 411n); but Koopmans believes that it’s the Rappée, a Parisian cabaret at Les Halles (RFlorence, 716n). Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m wrong; but I suspect a near-untranslatable microlevel spoonerism that would flip Ruppée into the comestible, digestible purée. In French, this very popular backward-talking syllable-swapping is known as verlan (for l’envers). It’s a farcical mot à l’envers, as it were, attested as early as Béroul’s twelfth-century Tristan’s reverse name of “Tantris.” Additionally, purée de raisin is a synonym for wine … on top of which, Ruppée looks a bit like ruper (“to burp”): all consistent with the onomatopoeia of digestion in a play that gleefully stages the unfortunate outcomes of that process. (Martin kindly reminds us that a fart is often considered a drink [SFQS, 106], as in the flatulent dégustation of the Farce of the Fart [FF, 85].) And let’s not forget the loppin that Joachim pinched at the Ruppée. It’s a “little nibble” or a “blow struck”; but, when likewise flipped on its butt, we get polain, a “virile member” at the very textual instant when the illegitimate sire of Jokin’ Joachim’s loins comes up. Here, the Ruppée shall be “Dick’s Creamery.”
For the inauguration of the Company of Baboons, which features a rousing chorus of their chapter anthem (vv. 231–34; MFST, 263–64), the space must be suited to scholastic, juridical, and celebratory functions. I’ve designed a tableau vivant (below, note 17), after which all the drinking, singing, twisting, and dancing of the barbary liry hurtle toward a Rabelaisian ending (vv. 195–97; MFST, 279). As if to theatricalize Brother John’s famous pun from Gargantua (chap. 27), the service divin (the divine office) morphs into the service du vin (the serving of wine) (CWFR, 66). Divine service as wine service: that’s what Brother Johnny serves up and passes out.
Costumes and Props
Detritus from a night of partying includes empty bottles—or boxes—of wine, a few tennis rackets, and a large number of hats. For the headgear: the trademark furry hats of the Basochiens (ROMD, 136–41), fools’ and jesters’ caps, Devil-ear hairbands, a toque or chef’s hat, and, in recognition of tennis, some headbands, bandanas, and perhaps a cap emblazoned with “Make the Resurrection Great Again.” For Johnny, a cape; and for Joachim, a wheelbarrow. For the Council Meeting: wine casks containing potables of questionable clarity, a common cup, and a long table with five chairs for dining and deliberation. Nearby the throne-toilet, place some reading matter and an anachronistic iPhone or two.
Scholarly References to Copyrighted Materials (in order of appearance and indicated by © within the text)
· “Since You’ve Gone, [My Heart Is Broken Another Time].” By Gary Busey. ASCAP Work ID: 490359716.
· “We May Never Pass This Way Again.” By Darrell Crofts and Jimmy Seals. BMI Work #1617190.
· “All She Wants to Do Is Dance.” ASCAP Work ID: 310240843.
· “What’d I Say.” By Ray Charles. BMI Work #1631628; also licensed through https://raycharles.com/music/singles-discography/.
· “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Ha.” By Jerry Samuels. ASCAP Work ID: 500221503.
· “Bibbidi Bobbidi.” By David Mack, Al Hoffman, and Jerry Livingston. ASCAP Work ID: 320044162.
· “Achy-Breaky Heart.” By Kenneth Gregory Watters. SESAC Work Number: 55896468.
· “When Johnny Comes Marching Home.” By Patrick Gilmore [aka Louis Lambert]. (19th c.)
· “Over the Rainbow.” By Harold Arlen and E. Y. Harburg. ASCAP Work ID: 450062263.
· “When the Saints Come Marching In.” Traditional.
· “Do-Wacka-Do.” By Roger Miller. BMI Work #1719799.
· “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Traditional.
· “Sit Down, You’re Rocking the Boat.” By Frank Loesser. ASCAP Work ID: 490071624.
· “My Boyfriend’s Back.” By Bob Feldman, Gerald Goldstein, and Richard Gottehrer. BMI Work #1028431.
· “Johnny B Goode.” By Chuck Berry. BMI Work #773553.
· “I’ll Take You There.” By Alvertis Isbell. BMI Work #643764.
· “Twist.” By Hank Ballard. BMI Work #1561070.
· “Pa-, Pa-, Pa-, Papageno.” From The Magic Flute. By Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1791).
· “Hey Diddle Diddle.” Nursery rhyme.
· “Once in a Lifetime.” [“Letting the Days Go By.”] By David Byrne, Brian Eno, Christopher Frantz, Jerry Harrison, and Martina Weymouth. BMI Work #1117241.
· “Celebration.” By Eumire Deodato Almeida et al. ASCAP Work ID: 330279293.
· “It’s in His Kiss.” By Rudy Clark. BMI Work #744118.
· “Chevaliers de la table ronde.” Traditional.
· “And When I Die.” By Laura Nyro. BMI Work #40714.
· “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz.” [Alka-Seltzer jingle.] By Thomas Dawes. ASCAP Artist IPI Number: 88568319.6
· “C’est si bon.” By Henri Betti and André Hornez. ASCAP Work ID: 887366085.
· “Les Champs Elysées.” By Pierre Delanoë, Michael Wilshaw, and Michael Deighan. BMI Work #849309.
· “Bye-Bye, Birdie.” By Lee Adams and Charles Strouse. ASCAP Work ID: 320119564.
· “La Marseillaise.” By Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle. (18th c.)
· “Barbara Ann.” By Fred Fassert. BMI Work #87434.
· “Bottle of Wine.” By Tom Paxton. ASCAP Work ID: 320130096.
· “Show Me the Way to Go Home.” By James Campbell and Reginald Connelly [aka Irving King]. (1925).
[Scene 1]
[In Paris in the wee hours, the bars have closed but a few stragglers remain on the deserted streets. The set is strewn with hats, as if another comedy has recently been staged.]
JOHNNY’S SISTER, JOANIE begins [in song]
Since you’ve gone, my heart is broken another time!©
So, here’s the thing: I’ve got the blues. My brother Johnny’s dead! My broken heart will never mend. Ain’t none of y’all seen him come by this way?
I know he never had much use for God or nothin’, but did He really have to kill him off? Good God Almighty! Johnny would gladly have done without. Oh no, Johnny, no! You’ve come and gone. I wish to God that you were still alive!
Enter JOACHIM
Mary, blessed Mother of—! What’s wrong?
JOANIE
Everything’s wrong.
JOACHIM
[Lecherously] I can see you’re upset. What gives?
JOANIE
What gives? [Making the sign of the cross] In nomine Patri, I’m in such a piteous state that, unless there’s a reversal of Fortune from the good Lord Himself, there’s not a man in this town who can reverse my fortunes.
JOACHIM
You’re still young and perky. Chin up. Be of good cheer. Snap out of it! And—man, oh man!—there’s no need to be so frosty. Everybody knows that the icy fingers of Death make you crazy.
JOANIE
[She brushes Joachim aside.] I’m crazy, all right: crazy mad—oh, Johnny, my brother!—every time I think of you.
JOACHIM
[To the audience] Good God Almighty, she’s a masterpiece … of ass!
You need me to clean your chimney there, little lady? Come noon, I’d be glad to lend a hand and sweep those blues away.7
JOANIE
Since he’s gone, my heart is broken another time!©8 Lord have mercy, I haven’t had a moment’s happiness since they laid my brother Johnny Glad-Hand Palmer to rest! And he shall never pass this way again.© Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. There is no joy in Studville. [Mighty Johnny has checked out.]
JOACHIM
[He imitates Johnny’s preferred tennis maneuvers as he grabs her.] Who? Good old game-set-match Johnny? Now, shut up because I’m ready to serve, and have I got the balls! We’ll make out like bandits here.
JOANIE
No way you’ve got my brother Johnny’s stuff.9 [He was nobody’s fool.]
JOACHIM
[Waving a fool’s cap over his genitals] In the name of Saint Johnson, I swear! I’m not fool enough to haul your ass over to the Franciscans like your brother Johnny used to do.
JOANIE
I get over there from time to time, when I’ve got something to get off my chest with the heavenly father.10
JOACHIM
Whoa-ho-ho! Not to worry: I’m the soul of patience and I’ll do right by you. Count on it. Maybe your brother Johnny swallowed all that jiggery-pokery but I can think of better things to swallow whole. Plus, I’d never do you like that. [{He points to the sleeveless scapular of his monastic habit.} See? Nothing up the brotherly sleeve of this here scapular.]
JOANIE
[{To the audience} And that’s just crapular.]
You’d do me just like that, you damn pimp.
JOACHIM
Any time the spirit moves you, Jezebel! Next time you get the urge to make a few bucks, I’ll pop you in my wheelbarrow—not some rickety cart—and take you there in style. Cash and carry, by golly, on that highway to Heaven! What more can I say? Your own personal magic carpet ride!
JOANIE
As long as it’s all on the up and up. I’ll have you know I frequent the right kind of people.
JOACHIM
The crème de la crème, I’m sure. Mum’s the word. Mummm, mummm, goody.
JOANIE
When my brother Johnny was still alive, everybody over at the cloisters and the convents would roll out the red carpet for me. Whatever I wanted, my wish was their command. Those doors were always open.
JOACHIM
Open is right. For business. Your reputation precedes you.
JOANIE
Oh, the tricks I played.
JOACHIM
Oh, the tricks you turned! Crème de la crème all over your sweet ass! Ding-dong-ding, little lady, you can ring my bells any time.
JOANIE
Been there, done that. And I do believe there’s no momma’s child ever done ’em all and undone ’em all like me. In one way and out the other.
JOACHIM
And with brother Johnny waiting in the wings the whole time—the patience of a saint, that one—keeping a close eye on things.
JOANIE
[To the audience] I do solemnly swear, folks: since he died, I ain’t never hooked up with the likes of him again. Feast to famine, I guess, I can barely make ends meet.
JOACHIM
I won’t let you down, by golly! I know what I’m doing—it’s all part of a brother’s act—and we’ll have ourselves a grand old time, believe me. To hell with Johnny! He’s food for worms. Now, party on, Joanie!
JOANIE
And don’t you be thinking I’m one of those sluts who does two at a time.
JOACHIM
In the name of Saint Peter’s cock-a-doodle-doo, I take thee at thy word, [fair maid]! Now, coochie, coochie coo, Johnny’s Sister! Follow me, ’cause it’s happy hour somewhere and all the munchies are finger-lickin’ good.
JOANIE
Is that so?
JOACHIM
Let’s stop beating around the bush, shall we? All you got to do is dance!© Now, off we go. Just follow my lead. Do what I do, say what I say.© [He grabs her and begins to lead.]
JOANIE
Whoa, now! Are you trying to trip me up?
[{To the audience} Some of us have been to rehearsal.]
[Scene 2]
[As Joachim tries to lead Joanie away, enter, Zorro-like, a cape-clad Johnny Palmer. At first, he is faintly heard and seen only by the audience.]
JOHNNY PALMER
Ha-ha, hee-hee, ho-ho!© Tennis anyone?
JOACHIM
Let’s be on our merry way.
JOHNNY singing
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi … Boo!©11
JOANIE
Joachim, my achy breaky heart© will never be merry again.12
JOACHIM
How come?
JOHNNY sings [still at some distance]
When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah! The ladies they will all turn out!© And that goes for you too, Miss Thing!
JOACHIM
Jesus H.—I’ll be damned if that’s not Johnny Palmer headed this way!
JOANIE
Lord have mercy! Where?
JOACHIM
I heard him right over there.
JOHNNY sings
Abracadabra, alacazam! Tennis, anyone? Ha-ha, hee-hee, ho-ho!©
JOANIE
Bless my soul, there he is! It’s him—he—him! It’s Johnny! Johnny! My brother Johnny!
JOHNNY
Hey, hey, hey, sis, whaddaya say?
JOANIE
There he is! He has risen! What do I do?
JOHNNY
Damn straight, babe!
[{To the audience} Been to rehearsal, my ass!]
JOACHIM
[He makes the sign of the cross.] In nomine Patri et—. Blessed is he who cometh in the name of the … Dude. Way to make an entrance.
JOHNNY
Ha-ha, hee-hee, ho-ho!© Game, set … tennis anyone? We gonna drink to my arrival here or what?
JOANIE
Lord have mercy, my brother! Where’d you come from?
JOHNNY
Hello! Where’d I come from? I can’t say, but I bet that I’ve come a long, long way.
JOANIE
[Not from …] You’ve been—oh my God!—there?
JOHNNY
Hello! From far, far away. Behind the moon. Beyond the rain. Somewhere under the rainbow.©
[He gestures, his back toward the crowd.]
JOACHIM
[Sarcastically] Great to have you back. [And cheat front, wouldya?]
JOHNNY
Here I am! Like a bat outta hell, where—you should pardon the expression—there’s hell to pay. It’s a damn torture chamber down there.
JOACHIM
Tell me: Is it a long way down?
JOHNNY
What the—? Dude. It’s the path to hell!
[Hey, folks! Wanna know how you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!]
JOACHIM
Paved with bad jokes, I guess. What kinda folks they got down there?
JOHNNY
Hello! Every kind and then some. I seen Gilbert Thingamajig maybe a week or so ago, hangin’ from the highest tree.
[JOACHIM
Really? All the way down there?]13
JOHNNY
Dawg. You think God’s gonna put up with any shit? He don’t mess around.
JOACHIM
[To Joanie] Say something to him!
JOANIE
Jeez, I hardly dare. Tomorrow is another day.
JOHNNY
I even seen … Remember poor old Alan? I seen him around too. And Charles—the one who killed that gelding that time. [Mount was fine till they cut his balls off.] He’s right next to your uncle, Joachim.
JOACHIM
[How did you know my uncle’s name was Joachim?] They coming back too, or what?
JOHNNY
Hello! In sure and certain … You betcha! They’ll get sprung in about two months. Just sit tight.
JOACHIM
As a nun’s ass.
JOANIE
And nun too soon, Jeez. I wanna be there in that number!©
JOHNNY
Ooh-la-la!
JOANIE
And, in the name of Saint Johnson, I’m there! And there will be joy in Studville!
JOHNNY
Hello! People! Still parched here! Dry as a bone. Bottoms up! Bottoms up!
JOANIE
Coming right up for everybody, honey. As much as your little heart desires.
JOACHIM
For God’s sake, this is crazy!
JOHNNY singing
Abracadabra, alacazam! And we’ll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home!© [He doffs a cap, grabs a tennis racket, and swats someone.] And doo whacka doo whacka doo© to you too!
[Enter Birdie at some distance, initially unseen. He/She/They near the group to see and hear what’s going on.]
JOACHIM
Game, set … catch! And he brought back a—. [Dude. That’s your hat from Scene 3.] Same fool as he ever was. [Talk about your typecasting.]
JOANIE
Bless his heart! Now what?
JOACHIM
Off we go, I say, before he reveals himself to our friends. Exit, stage left!
JOANIE
Since you’ve gone, my heart was broken another time!© Johnny, my brother, when you died, I almost had an achy-breaky heart attack© and dropped dead myself.
JOHNNY
Yo-ho-ho! Arthur Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
[He laughs at his own joke, turns to the audience, and attempts to move them all toward a tavern.] Maestro, [a little traveling music please]: McEnroe, row, row your boat … ©
[{To the audience} No, not you, folks! Sit down, sit down, sit down you’re rockin’ the boat!© Yo-ho-ho-ho!]
[Scene 3]
[Enter Toni.]
BIRDIE
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Come on along with me now, Toni, and welcome Johnny home.
TONI
What, Cuz? You mean my cousin’s back? He has risen?14
BIRDIE
Duh. He’s with his sister. Come along with me, now Toni, so I don’t get scared. Scooby-dooby-doo-doo … Do!
TONI
Ha! Ha! Ha! I can’t hardly wait to see him cuz, Birdie girl, we’re gonna party. Cousin/Cousine/Cou-seeing is believing! [My cousin’s back and there’s gonna be trouble!©]
BIRDIE
Hey-la, hey-la, my cousin’s back!© Swing your partner!
TONI
Maybe you could take it down a notch?
[{To the audience} They always have to make a whole production.]
Be good now and come along peacefully.
BIRDIE
[Continuing to dance and grabbing one of the hats off the ground] Good. Birdie, good, good, good!©
TONI
Birdie, be good!© Really? That’s the look you’re going for? What’s cousin Johnny gonna have to say about that?
BIRDIE
That it’s time to party! [It’s time to get down!©] And that he’ll bring the wine. Party on, [Toni], party on!
TONI
Party on—ha! ha!—and I’ll tell you where. Come on!
BIRDIE
Be there with bells on. Round and round and round she goes … Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
TONI smacking him [i.e., them]
Ha! ha! ha! Where she … Stop! Behave yourself. [Birdie,] be good© because … heeeere’s Johnny!
BIRDIE
Where’s he at? If you’d be good enough, Madame, to—. Mercy! Just take me there!©
TONI
There he is! There he is!
BIRDIE
Avast ye, matey!
TONI
Easy does it there, sir—madam—steady as she goes! Now quit fooling around and show him your [damn] breeding! [She bumps into Birdie’s enormous fake breasts.] And don’t be such a boob!
BIRDIE
Ha! Johnny, ha-ha-ha! Johnny, ho-ho-ho!© And now, my good sir: put ’er there, pal. And fork over the headgear!
Hey! What’s with the cape? [They try to take Johnny’s fool’s cap and fail.]
JOHNNY
Game, set … catch! [When hell freezes over!]
TONI
Ha! ha! Where’d you come from cousin? Hey! Did you hear I had myself a baby? You never saw him—kid croaked—but you’ll soon see who made the little bastard. [She indicates Joachim.]
[Johnny doffs his cap and hastily puts it back on.]
JOACHIM
Well, hats off to the damn miracle child! Wherever could it have come from?
TONI
From right outta my womb! Big as a little piggy. But, soon as he was born, pirates stole him away. He was already going “yo-ho-ho!”15
JOACHIM
[And a bottle of rum!] You won that kid in a poker game up at the Moulin Rouge!
TONI
Screw you! [She points to her womb.] Read it and weep!16
JOACHIM
Just come right out and say it, toots.
[Birdie begins to dance again.]
JOHNNY
Watch the Birdie now and—come on, Toni—let’s do the twist.
Johnny sings
Just shake your little ass, it goes like this. Twist! Twist!© Sing out Toni! Toni-Tone, the Tonester, Looney-Tones, Antoinette, Anthony! And God bless us, everyone!
BIRDIE
And God bless Johnny.
JOHNNY
God bless you too ’cause I just had me a gander at my Grammie down there too. And the soul of my little cuz. [He points to Toni’s womb and to Joachim.] Pa-pa … Papagena! Papageno! Papagena! Papageno! Papagena, Papageno, Papagena!©
TONI
In the name of Saint Johnson, I do believe he’s telling the truth.
[To Joachim] You recognize me now, don’t you, bro?
JOACHIM
Yeah, for the trol—.
JOHNNY sings
La! La! La! And hey, hey, hey! diddle-diddle. [He swats Toni on the ass.] The cow jumped over the moon! [The little dog laughed.…©]
JOACHIM
[He laughs.] Same as I ever was! Same as you ever was.© [And who are you calling a dog, dawg?]
JOANIE
Let’s change the subject.
TONI
Hop, hop, hop to it! It’s party time. Celebrate good times, come on!©
JOACHIM
Jolly good, I say. I’m a helluva sacred host, so—[with a tennis move and a gong for the bad joke] I’ll serve!
JOANIE
“Serve it up” is more like it, but it’s a good idea anyway. Now, let’s have some fun!
TONI
Hop to it! There’s no turning back now. Celebrate good times, come on!©
BIRDIE
Yo-ho-ho!
JOACHIM
And no more yak-yak-yakkin’ around here.
JOHNNY
Let’s go on home for dinner. I’ll serve! Cook you up some goose and—hello!—what’s good for the goosing is good for the gander!
BIRDIE
Always takin’ the piss, that one, but enough fooling around! And, by the by, we are not pickin’ up the tab again, you hear? We’ll do potluck.
Oh, ye of little faith! You think he’s talking about the Last Supper?
[They prepare to leave for somebody’s place but don’t actually go anywhere. Instead, the drunken revelers—including a plant or two in the audience who might join them—slowly, surely, and sacrilegiously morph into a banquet scene that takes on a kind of Pageant-of-the-Masters quality. They become a living, breathing image of Da Vinci’s Last Supper where, conveniently, everyone is already cheating front.]17
JOACHIM
Jolly good! All I need is a little fruit o’ the vine. I don’t eat much.
JOANIE
[If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one!]
[She displays a huge cask.] Here’s a little something I picked up last night over at Ye Olde Winey Little Bitch. The tavern. [They look doubtful.] Really.
JOACHIM
[I prefer the Pinecone myself. Gimme a pinecunt any day, but] here’s a juicy little morsel I picked up over at Dick’s Creamery. [Taste the soup.]
TONI
From our soup to his nuts! He got the meat, I got the motion.
JOACHIM
In nomine Patri … Quick! We better say grace.
TONI
You first.
JOHNNY sings [and attempts to get everybody dancing.]
Give me Baboons!
[Ladies and gentlemen, we are the members of the Holy Order of Saint Baboon. Care to sing along?]
Give me Baboons!
Everybody sings
We are drunken baboons
and our rules say that here’s what we do:
Sleep in till noon, and, at midnight, we’ll croon
you a tune of the drunken buffoons!18
[So, come on, baboons! Monk-ey see, monk-ey do! {He lays a huge fart.} Bottoms up! {He lays another fart.}]
[Birdie has some difficulty inserting the spigot into the bunghole of the wine cask; and the pressure of their exertion leads to more farting. When the hole is finally pierced, the liquid gushes out all over; so, receptacles must be found quickly.]
TONI
Ha! ha! Is that the way to drink?©
JOACHIM
No, no, that’s not the way!© Good God Almighty, Birdie, did you—? Is this the shit they’re giving us to drink?
TONI
Ha! Goddamn son of a …
[The pressure valve released, the cask overflows.]
BIRDIE
[Goutons voir! Oui, oui, oui! Goutons voir, non, non, non! Goutons voir, si le vin est bon!©] Help yourselves! Bottoms up!
JOANIE
Only if you can get by on one tiny little drop. It’s spillin’ out all over and—[sniffing the “bouquet” as Johnny farts again]—opening way up!
BIRDIE
[Handling the wine cask] You don’t know what you’re talking about. I personally screwed that spigot all the way into the bunghole. So, don’t you be letting it go to waste. Whoopee! Drink up. Please. Dunk your bread in there. [This is my body and this is my …]
[As Johnny continues to belch and fart, he beckons one and all to sing and dance. Meanwhile, Joachim greedily guzzles as much wine from the keg as he possibly can. The others angle to get at a common cup that becomes increasingly disgusting.]
JOACHIM
To hell with that lousy, rotten son of a—. Gross. That cup runneth all over the place and it stinks!
BIRDIE
[To Joachim] Excuse you! Am I or am I not the one who supplied the Jesus juice?
JOANIE
Must be nothing but bran where he’s been. He’s fartin’ like a pig! [And I thought I was the one with the “Preparation-Aitchy” breaky heart.]
TONI
[To Johnny] Colon blow, blow, blow your boat!©
[To Joachim] And no mudslinging either! Seriously? You’re in no position to be casting aspersions.
BIRDIE
[Indicating Joachim] Get rid o’ that bug up my ass, wouldya Toni?
[The mimed disciplining of Joachim ensues, apparently effective because the brother is silent for a time.]
TONI
[To Joachim] Come off it, my brother, and on your way! Always down and dirty with you! This is some fine resurrection we’ve gotten ourselves into.19
BIRDIE
[To Joachim] You suck.
TONI
Some novice. Grand cru(de), if you ask me. As if anyone would follow him!
JOHNNY
Ha-ha, hee-hee—.
JOANIE
Ho-no!©
BIRDIE
Is he drunk? Didn’t seem like he’d had that much to drink. [They perform a frenetic—and flatulent—dance as the others continue their dialogue.]
TONI
Know what? Before we part company here today, what do you say we make it official and call our order … to order.
[Joachim is offended that Toni is not addressing him. He makes his displeasure manifest but capitulates gesturally after everyone looks daggers at him.]
JOACHIM
Your call. Order away. I’ll do what you do, say what you say.©
JOANIE
So ordered. Without objection.
JOACHIM
I promise.
JOANIE
[She clears her throat.] From this day forward, whatever the cost, we shall have our own convent, the better to welcome back all those who return from the dead and get resurrected like my brother Johnny.
JOACHIM
In the name of Saint Johnson, let’s do it! And when I die—and when I’m dead, dead and gone,© maybe I’ll get resurrected too! At least my house will be in order.
JOANIE
This calls for a real masterpiece, though, [and not just some Pageant-of-the-Masters-piece]. In living color. And much better set design. Who, then, shall be commissioned for this purpose?
JOACHIM
[If we build it, they will come.] Just tell me where and when and, by God, I’m on it! But no pageant wagons, okay? [Those have to go before the Architectural Board of Review.]20
TONI
And your neighbors show up and make objections. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
JOACHIM
There’s nothing they can say that won’t go our way. They won’t have a leg to stand on.
[The characters make a move to position Birdie on a high, dilapidated chair to be used as a throne, which they then elevate and place in front of the long dining table. A particularly large and messy pot is spoiling the scene, so Joanie places it under the throne.]
JOANIE
In charge of the erection of this building—and set design too—I nominate Birdie, in the flesh, so that, by the power vested in him … her … they can preside and commission somebody.
TONI
Aha! They’re one of a kind. Perfect for our ho-ho-holy order. She’s your man!
[Everyone prepares for a makeshift tribunal.]
JOANIE
[A backhanded compliment if I ever heard one.] Now quit dawdling. Up you go, Birdie! Have a seat over there on the throne, listen to all parties, and dazzle us, sir—ma’am—with your wit.
BIRDIE
[More farts ensue.] Totally ready to take a load off. But there’s a hole in that throne? [I’ll be just like Pope Joan!]21
JOANIE
Indeed. Now sit your ass down and—shit!—give it a rest.
[Birdie mounts the throne and Toni rushes over to assist with pen, paper, and an iPhone so that Birdie can tweet.]
BIRDIE
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is!© C’est si bon.©
TONI
If it please the court, Birdie, Your Eminence, by the power vested in you: Where and by hoo-hoo-whom shall our convent be built?
BIRDIE
I’ve got just the man for the job, by God! Our own Jokin’ Joachim! Quel enfant terrible!
JOANIE
And where shall it be?
BIRDIE
Where else do you go to see and be seen? Oh, Champs Elysées—[la-la-la-la-la]—aux Champs-Élysées! © Plus we need the foot traffic if we’re gonna get converts.
JOANIE
It’s a fine ruling, all in good order.
[To the audience] And no comments from the peanut gallery!
BIRDIE
So ordered. I give you leave.
[{To the audience} No, don’t leave, folks!] We’re just getting down to business. It’s almost time to clean up [and, then it’s bye-bye, Birdie!©]
[Birdie takes the pot that is located under the pierced throne and hands it to Joachim before making a move to depart.]
JOANIE
[What a brilliant invention!] And you, Brother Joachim, shall take care of that, sir. Head counsel for making shit happen. [Joachim protests gesturally and is again stared down.]
[To Johnny] And, if you need an extra pair of hands, my brother: Johnny on the spot over there is at your service.
[To Joachim] What are you waiting for? Legal representation?
JOACHIM
But not one more move out of Birdie! That’s our new Mother—Father—Superior. [Queen of queens and lord of lords!]
BIRDIE
I accept.
TONI
Me too, that’s for sure. Good call.
[Johnny is handed a towel for intimate paperwork, which he promptly “palms” off on Joachim.]
JOHNNY
They don’t call me Johnny Glad-Hand Palmer for nothin’! For palm to palm is holy Palmer’s … Gross. You know what they say, folks: Don’t shit where you live! [Party on!]22
[The Company begins to pass the hat for financial contributions.]
TONI
Let’s get outta here!
JOHNNY
Please, after you.
JOACHIM
[God bless you Messieurs! God bless you, Mesdames. God bless you Messieurs-Dames!] Long live the company! Long live the theater! Long live our campus! And, since we’ve clearly got to spell it out for you folks:
That’s the end of The Resurrection of Johnny Palmer, our glad-handed friend, the dear[ly departed … departing as we speak. Going, going, gone!] And, with that, we bid you adieu until the morrow because [that’s game, set, match! Allons Enfants-sans-Souci de la patrie!©]23
[Doubled version begins here.]
Long live our troupe, each woman and each man,
’cause now it’s time for you to lend a hand.
This Resurrection play about our friend
might well be done but you’ve still got glad hands.
Adieu till next time, folks, this is the end.
[Doubled version ends here, before a possible closing number]24
The END