HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONVERSATION go badly? Of course. We all have. If you reflect for a moment, I bet you can think of a painful conversation that did not go as you intended. To be honest, I can think of a lot (and many were my fault)!
When conversations go poorly, there can be a temptation to avoid them in the future. After all, who wants to get into an argument? Aren’t we told to avoid discussing politics and religion? We have considered some deeply controversial issues in this book. Given the sensitive nature of issues such as race, gender, and gun control, is it really worth entering into conversations about them, especially if you might get labeled a bigot or a hater?
Here’s my answer: we must be willing to have these difficult conversations with Christians and non-Christians alike. Being disengaged is not an option for followers of Jesus. It may make us rebels, but we must be willing to speak truth uncompromisingly and to do so with kindness. This book has given you many examples of Christians who live and speak biblical truth and who are motivated by love and compassion. That’s what we need today more than ever! Will that be you?
Remember the Main Goal
You might recall the example I shared in chapter 3 about my “atheist encounter” presentations, in which I role-play an atheist to Christian audiences. Sadly, there are often some critical and harsh responses aimed at my atheist character.
One reason for this is that many Christians have not thought about why they believe as they do. Many lack depth in their convictions, so when I press them, they naturally get defensive. One goal of this book is to give you the confidence to have conversations with people who see the world differently. If you have stayed with me this far, then you have enough knowledge to engage in meaningful conversations. Don’t get overconfident, as there is much more to learn, but don’t underestimate yourself either.
A second reason some Christians get defensive at my atheist role-play is that they don’t have a loving heart toward others. They are more interested in sounding smart or proving a point than in truly loving other people. I hope that is not you. Above all, Scripture calls us to love God and love other people. That’s why we’re here!
Does it do any good to win an argument if you did not treat the other person with love? No! Paul says that if you have prophetic powers or faith that moves mountains but don’t have love, then you are nothing. If you give away all you have, including your own life, but don’t have love, then you gain nothing for your sacrifice (see 1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
Remember, the goal of a conversation is not to sound smart. It’s not to be right. The point is to love someone. Love certainly requires speaking the truth, in the right time and the right manner, but our greatest goal in engaging others must always be to love them. Period.
A Simple Guide for Meaningful Conversations
Hopefully right now you’re thinking, Okay, I want to have conversations with people about issues that matter. But where do I start? In my experience, I have found that most people are willing to have civil conversations with others if we ask good questions and treat them respectfully.
Here are four practical questions I regularly use in my conversations.[1] You can apply this approach to all the issues in this book and more. I often use this approach in spiritual conversations with skeptics as well.
Question #1: What Do You Believe?
A great place to begin a conversation is finding out what the other person actually believes. How is this done? Simple: listen. Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Have you ever felt like someone wanted to tell you what they believe but was not interested in hearing what you believe? That doesn’t feel good, does it? Good listening is a way of loving people. Poor listening is a way of dismissing them.
If you want to love someone, listen to them. Ask clarifying questions. Don’t cut them off. Give eye contact. Turn off your phone. This shows people you care about them and what they believe.
Question #2: Why Do You Believe It?
Once we understand what the other person believes, the next step is to find out why they believe it. The best way to find out is to ask! Since guesses are often wrong, why not say, “Thanks for sharing your views on [immigration, race, gender, etc.]. Can you share with me why you hold that view?” Then listen and try to understand.
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” People have deep reasons for their beliefs. Some are intellectual, but many are emotional, relational, or experiential. A teen immigrant recently shared her views on immigration with me and how they were deeply shaped by her life experience. Can you see how her experience would deeply inform her views on immigration? The same can be true with someone’s views on race, gun control, and any other issue.
Question #3: Where Do We Agree?
One of the best ways to have a meaningful conversation with someone is to find areas of agreement. Proverbs 24:3 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” Common ground helps break down walls between people and fosters understanding.
A few years ago, I visited an atheist group and sat on the hot seat for a couple of hours while they asked me dozens of questions. Even though we have radically different worldviews, the host expressed how amazed he was that we had so much in common. In conversations, I often look to find where the person’s worldview overlaps with the Christian worldview. Rather than focusing initially on where we disagree, I begin by looking for common ground.
Question #4: Where Do We Disagree and Why?
After I understand what someone believes and why they believe it, and once I have found common ground, I often shift the conversation to focus on where we disagree and why. I have found it helpful to get to the heart of an issue and clarify the reason for our disagreement.
For instance, consider the issue of poverty. Most people agree that we should help the poor. But they differ over the best way to help them. Both Marxists and Christians want to help the poor, but their approaches differ radically. Why? The answer lies in their views of human nature. Marxists think humans are naturally good and that greed comes from inequity in society. But Jesus said greed comes from the human heart. Christians and Marxists have a similar desire to alleviate the suffering of the poor but differ radically about policy because of their clashing views of human nature.
Finding out where you differ from someone and why can lead to a productive conversation. It can also lead to ways that you can work together with people for the common good. This doesn’t mean we can find common cause on every issue. Even though I have treated him graciously, a prominent atheist publicly called me a bigot for not embracing same-sex marriage. I try to find common cause with people from different backgrounds, but when all is said and done, I cannot compromise the biblical view on marriage. To do so would be to be unfaithful to Scripture and unloving to my neighbor.
Final Challenge
I am honored you have stayed with me to the end of this book. Kudos for caring about having a deep faith and about learning how to engage those around you in thoughtful conversations.
Here is my final challenge: speak the truth in love. Don’t buy the lie that love involves softening truth or the other lie that callously and foolishly says the truth is only and always loving. Jesus said it is truth that sets us free. And yet we must not speak truth without genuine concern for and understanding of others. It’s not truth or love—it’s truth and love. When you live this way, it may make you a rebel. But even Jesus was considered a rebel in his day.
If you follow this example of Jesus, I am confident God can use you to make a genuine difference in the lives of other people.
Go for it!
Let’s connect! If you have stayed with me to the end of this book, consider finding me online. I use a variety of different social media platforms, but in particular, check out YouTube. I have regular conversations with people from a variety of backgrounds on the very topics covered in this book. I do many livestreams and would love to see you there!
[1] These questions were inspired by Tim Muehlhoff, “Christians in the Argument Culture: Apologetics as Conversation,” in A New Kind of Apologist, ed. Sean McDowell (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 2016), 21–28.
Acknowledgments
MY THANKS TO A NUMBER OF people who made this book possible. As always, Mark Sweeney did a fantastic job connecting me with the right publisher. And thanks to Jon Farrar and the team at Tyndale for believing in this book. Thanks to both Dana Dill and Jonathan Schindler for excellent edits. And I want to express my personal gratitude to all the Christians who stand boldly for their faith, as rebels today and in the past, and follow the example of Jesus.