“THAT’S RIDICULOUS! How can you make such a crazy claim? You must be blind!”
A high school student said this to me during a recent public presentation. Why would he make such an abrasive comment? The answer is easy: I was doing my “Atheist Encounter” presentation at his church. Let me explain.
At churches, conferences, and schools, I often role-play an atheist to motivate Christians to see how prepared (or not prepared) they are to engage someone of another faith. While audiences know I am really a Christian, I put on glasses to role-play an atheist, take live questions from the audience, and then offer my best atheist responses. (You can watch me do this on YouTube, if it interests you.)
Audiences typically start confidently, asking me a range of questions about evolution, the origin of morality, and the purpose of life. But after I have offered some thoughtful atheist responses, groups often get defensive. In fact, some get really defensive. I have had people storm out of the session, yell answers across the room, and personally insult me. And they know I’m role-playing!
As soon as I step out of character by taking off my glasses, I always start with a simple question: “What words would you use to describe how you treated your atheist guest?” After a few moments of blank stares, people typically offer words like disrespectful, aggressive, rude, and even hostile. Some people ask thoughtful and gracious questions during the role-play, but overall, many groups are interested more in winning an argument than in genuinely engaging their atheist guest in friendly, constructive dialogue.
If many Christians are willing to treat a fellow Christian role-playing an atheist like this, then it seems to me we have a lot to learn about better loving our neighbors.
Convictions and Grace
Why do you think Christian groups respond this way? After doing this presentation hundreds of times, I am convinced there are two big reasons. First, many Christians don’t know what they believe and why. Think about it: If you haven’t thought deeply about the basis of your faith and don’t have a thoughtful answer for a tough challenge, isn’t it natural to get defensive when someone presses you? If we don’t have solid reasons for our beliefs, it is difficult to respond graciously when people challenge us.
This is why this book is so important! If you want to have meaningful conversations with people of different faiths—or with those who hold opposing views on issues as diverse as abortion, climate change, and race—you must have some depth to your beliefs. To be confident and calm in conversation, you must know what you believe and why you believe it.
The second reason Christians often get defensive is that we forget how gracious God has been toward us. In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus tells the story of a servant who was forgiven a massive debt by the king. Even though he had every right to throw the servant in prison, the king had mercy on him and forgave his debt. But then the servant went away and found another servant who owed him a small debt. Rather than extending grace to this servant, as the king had done for him, he had the servant thrown in prison. The king was furious when he found out what the first servant had done. And rightly so!
Here’s a crucial implication of this parable: when someone is transformed by God’s mercy, they will extend that mercy to others. Therefore, a failure to grant mercy to others reveals we don’t truly grasp the depth of God’s mercy to us. The servant failed to realize how much kindness the king had shown him, and so he lacked kindness in relation to another servant.
This raises a crucial question: Have you experienced God’s grace personally?
Be Kind Toward Others
Why is graciousness so important today? The answer is easy: we live in an angry, divided culture. Because of social media, everyone has a microphone to express their anger and moral disgust at the beliefs and behaviors of others. In fact, we are even told today that it is immoral not to speak out on certain issues. What is a thoughtful Christian to do?
A few years ago, a popular writer posted a short clip of one of my videos on sexuality on his blog. Ignoring the context, he critiqued me as being hateful, bigoted, and lacking in love. There were dozens of brutal comments. To be honest, it stung pretty deeply.
While some of my friends thought I should write a critical letter in response, after much prayer and reflection, I decided to take a different route. I wrote him a personal email that (as graciously as I could) pointed out some of his misunderstandings and focused on the common ground we shared as fathers and Christians. If anything, I wanted to err on the side of being kind. To my surprise, although he didn’t apologize directly, he posted my email on his blog with some kind words about my response. And many others noticed too.
It is easy to respond in anger. Regretfully, I have done it many times. But Jesus calls us to a higher standard. He calls us to use our words, both spoken and written, in a kind manner toward others. Titus 3:2 says “to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Yes, yes, yes! Christians are to be characterized by their gracious, loving interactions with others.
Does this mean we compromise truth? Absolutely not! Paul says we are to “[speak] the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). On the one hand, God’s truth can sometimes offend people, so we must fight the temptation to soften or compromise it. On the other hand, people can sometimes offend us, so we must guard against the temptation to speak insultingly or abrasively. With one, we’re tempted to sacrifice truth for “love.” With the other, we’re tempted to sacrifice love for truth. Both of these are mistaken and unbiblical, and Jesus teaches us a better way.
Considering that Jesus is truth (see John 14:6) and that truth brings freedom (see John 8:32), we must be willing to speak truth at appropriate times and in appropriate ways. But we must do so from a heart of love and with a spirit of kindness toward others.
Here’s the bottom line: loving our neighbors involves speaking truth with wisdom and kindness.
Cultural Love vs. Biblical Love
You might be thinking, That sounds great, but in practice, it’s really hard to “speak the truth in love” today. How do I practically love people I disagree with—my LGTBQ friends, for example? I agree that it’s difficult. Sometimes there’s a cost for following Jesus, as we saw in the case of Jaelene.
One reason it is so challenging to love our neighbors today is that our culture operates under a different definition of love than held by Jesus. Today, love means affirming someone’s behavior and beliefs. It means accepting someone for who they believe themselves to be. And it means agreeing with however someone feels about themselves. If not, you’re hateful.
But Jesus held a different view of love. The apostle John said, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). According to the example of Jesus, love involves a willingness to sacrifice for the good of another. It is a commitment to the well-being of another person, even if he or she does not recognize or accept the reality of the good. Love does not necessarily imply that others recognize we are acting in their best interest, which is why many confuse loving actions for hateful ones. After all, people jeered at Jesus on the cross, thinking they were doing what was right. Biblically, love involves being committed to the objective good of others regardless of how they feel.
Challenge Accepted?
Can you see why it’s so challenging to love people today? We are called to love our neighbors who may not even realize that what they are doing is wrong. Interestingly, the prodigal son squandered his father’s inheritance on wild living without any recognition he was doing wrong until finally “he came to himself” (Luke 15:17). He apparently had fun living in sin for some time. Given the power of sin, it is easy for us to be confused about what is right and what is wrong. This is why we must always look to Jesus as our example. Culture may change, but “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).
When asked about the greatest commandment in the law, Jesus said to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself (see Mark 12:28-31). Loving God and loving other people is the essence of the Christian life. But as I have said a few times already, this does not mean it will be easy. Yet isn’t there value in making hard choices? Difficult things are meaningful. Nothing worth having comes easy.
It is not easy to love your neighbor today. In reality, it never has been easy to follow in the steps of Jesus. But God has called you to this task. Are you up for the challenge?