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Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.
—Exodus 20:12
WE GET A LOT of letters and e-mails from girls who watch 19 Kids and Counting, and many of them ask our advice on tough issues. We don’t pretend to have all the answers to the difficult situations some of these girls are going through. But, in this book, we want to share what we’ve learned and what we’ve experienced that might relate to their questions.
Most important, we pray for the girls who share their hearts with us.
A lot of the girls have written to us about the pain caused by their dad abandoning their family or their parents getting a divorce. Others are still living all under the same roof, but there is much strife, contention, and anger.
Our dad has shared that when he was growing up, his dad did not have a spiritual focus, and because of that his father often did not have the right attitudes and responses. This caused a lot of problems in his family. They struggled financially and had the utilities temporarily shut off many times. At one point their house was foreclosed on.
But his mother was a strong woman of faith who consistently encouraged Dad and his older sister to trust the Lord no matter what came their way. Dad said he tried to pick out his dad’s good qualities and apply them to his life—things like sales ability and a giving heart—but leave out the bad qualities. He also looked up to other godly men in his church as role models. Romans 8:28 became Dad’s life verse: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”
This means that as we trust God, He will work all situations to turn out for eventual good in our lives. So instead of getting angry and upset when things don’t go our way, we need to thank God and look for the benefits that can come from the situation. He has promised that even the seemingly bad will work out for our good!
As a result of Dad’s childhood, one obvious benefit was that he gained great faith in God. There were a few times when his family honestly didn’t know where their next meal would come from, but his mom would encourage them to pray, and he saw God answer their prayers countless times. This caused him to develop a spiritual focus at a young age. Also, with his father not striving to be a spiritual leader in his life, Dad determined early on that, by God’s grace, he would become a godly husband and father to his own family one day.
Dad’s background has also given him sensitivity toward others who have grown up in similar situations. Our parents have led our family to reach out to those around us who for one reason or another don’t have a mom or dad. As we have reached out, we have truly felt that we have received the greater blessing in return through the love others have shown us.
Mom’s dad spent most of his growing-up years in an orphanage. Despite that rough beginning, he chose not to go through life feeling sorry for himself or to wallow in depression but rather to live cheerfully and encourage those around him. He became a very tenderhearted man and a hard worker. He got promoted into management at a large machine shop and eventually took a job that moved his family from Cincinnati, Ohio, to Springdale, Arkansas, when Mom was four years old. He determined to become a loving father, and he and his wife ended up having seven children (our mom is the seventh).
This goes to show that no matter what kind of family situation you grow up in, God can use it to make you stronger. And as you resolve to develop a genuine love and servant’s heart toward your family, you will see God begin to work in their hearts as well.
BOUNDARIES
SOME PARENTS ARE A little on the strict side; others are more laid-back. But it is important for each of us to realize that our parents love us. Even though parents make mistakes and are not perfect, it’s important that we honor and respect them.
As we get older and show signs of maturity, we gain more freedoms, but with greater freedom comes greater responsibility. For years, our parents have invested in our lives and mentored us with the goal of sending us out into this world to make a difference.
We have received letters from girls whose parents want to be “cool,” so they avoid telling their kids no. Those parents probably assume their teenagers are mature enough to set their own appropriate boundaries and make wise choices. But we know from our own experience that young teenagers often don’t have the maturity needed for making decisions, especially for deciding issues that can carry lifelong impact. We made plenty of poor decisions as teenagers, and while we’re thankful our parents gave us increasing freedom to decide tough issues for ourselves as we matured, we’re also grateful they didn’t just turn us loose to decide everything independently as soon as we turned thirteen—or even eighteen!
Instead, they have given us plenty of guidance and have provided a solid foundation during our growing-up years. When each of us children learned to read, they encouraged us to read and study the Bible, and as we grew they encouraged us to start thinking about the convictions and guidelines God would have us set for ourselves. In this chapter we’re going to talk about how they did that.
THE HOTTEST HOT TOPIC
ONE OF THE BIGGEST issues teenage girls focus on is boys—in particular, one boy. At least that’s what girls tell us in letters that usually say something like “There’s this boy . . .”
We get the feeling that the world thinks strained relationships between teenage girls and their parents occur most often because the girl wants to date a certain boy and the parents say no. Usually it’s because the girl is too young or because the boy isn’t “good enough” for their daughter. And certainly we get letters from girls (and parents) in those situations, so we know that’s often the case.
Duggars grow up sharing lots of hugs, laughter, and love. From left: Jinger, Jana, Jill, and Jessa.
But we have also received several letters from girls who wished their parents would have provided more boundaries for them when they were dating. Surprising, but true.
Before we go any further, we need to clarify that none of us girls actually plans to date (as most people would define dating). If marriage is in God’s future plan for any of us, we desire for our relationships with our future husbands to develop through courtship,rather than today’s norm of dating. We’ll talk more about that in chapter 5, but for now we want to focus on a teenage girl’s relationship with her parents as she becomes aware of teenage boys and starts thinking about dating or courtship.
Here’s the bottom line: The relationship a girl has with her dad often influences how she will relate to boys. Girls want to believe their dads love them and will protect them. When they don’t feel that, they often go searching for those things from guys. This can lead to unwise decisions, which in turn bring a host of consequences and painful memories.
One young woman who wrote to us desperately wanted her father to at least check out the boys who wanted to date her. But he didn’t. When a boy came to pick her up at her home, her dad would send her on her way with the words “Have a good time.”
Maybe that seems like every teenage girl’s dream—a dad who lets her do whatever she wants or go out with any guy she wants to date. But when we reached out to mentor this girl, she told us that as she and the boy-of-the-week would drive away, she might have been smiling on the outside, but inside she felt empty. Worthless. Not even important enough for her father to bother checking out the boy who was taking her out.
Children grow up seeing what their parents value. We are grateful to have parents whose faith in Jesus is their top priority. They value their relationship with Him, and second to that, they cherish their relationship with each other and with their family. A girl watches what her father takes care of: his sports car, his custom-made golf clubs, his investments. It’s unlikely that a dad would entrust his prized convertible to a teenage boy he didn’t really know and just let the kid take it out for a spin without supervision; but that same dad may let a relatively unknown boy drive off with his daughter without giving it much thought.
That dad may think he’s being a great, understanding father who wants to make his daughter happy. But instead he may be striking a severe blow to that daughter’s self-esteem. It’s easy for her, in that situation, to think she’s not good enough, not important enough, to be loved. And that kind of thinking can make her vulnerable to the first boy who tells her he loves her and wants to share that love through a physical relationship.
The girl may so yearn to feel valued and accepted by a male that she gives in to the boy’s desires. But too often the boy’s “love” for her turns out to be fleeting, and the girl is left feeling cast off and degraded. From there, things can easily spiral downward as the girl’s yearning to feel valued intensifies and she seeks acceptance from the next boy who comes along. We hear from a lot of girls in this painful situation.
Girls want their dad to be their protector. They want to feel valued by their dad more than any possession he owns. If he doesn’t show that he values her, daughters can easily feel devalued, even betrayed.
Even though there are a lot of birthdays to celebrate in our family, our parents make each of them special. Here Jinger, left, Jessa, and Dad admire the cake Mom made to celebrate Jessa’s seventh birthday.
If you’re a girl in this situation, we know it’s unlikely that you’ll go to your father and say, “Dad, I’d like you to be stricter with me when it comes to dating.” But we encourage you to pray about your relationship with your dad and ask God to give him those characteristics he’s missing, or to give him insights that will help improve his relationship with you. And then do your part: show respect when your dad makes hard decisions; don’t argue or pout when he sets guidelines for your family. And watch for opportunities to spend time with your dad and talk with him, knowing that close communication can strengthen your relationship.
THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE AND RESPECT
OF COURSE, SOMETIMES THINGS happen in families that make communication difficult, if not impossible. We hear from girls whose families struggle with a wide range of challenges in their parents: alcoholism, drug addiction, physical abuse, or the absence of a parent due to death or divorce. We’re barely more than teens ourselves, and in these situations we don’t have the professional training to give these girls the kind of emergency assistance they need. So in those cases, we urge girls to reach out to a trusted adult—the other parent, a pastor or pastor’s wife, a Sunday school teacher, or Christian counselor. Meanwhile we can pray for their safety and emotional well-being, and we can offer a listening ear as they pour out the cries of their hearts.
When safety isn’t an issue and communication is broken, we share what we know about healing the rift. Again, we’re certainly not experts in family counseling, but we’ve grown up in a family that strives to make good, honest communication a top priority, and we’re glad to share some things we’ve learned over the years if it can be of help.
An opportunity to do that came not too long ago when one of my (Jill’s) friends called me with the devastating news that her dad was leaving the family, and her parents were getting a divorce. We cried together as she sobbed out her heartache. She has given me permission to share her story in hopes that it can benefit others in similar situations.
As one of the older children in her family, she felt a huge responsibility to set an example of loving encouragement for her younger siblings, but that seemed impossible when she was battling so many emotions herself. When she tried to talk with her dad about his leaving and tell him how hurt she and her siblings were, the conversation ended with both of them exploding in anger. She and her dad both said things they probably wished they hadn’t said.
As days turned into weeks and then months, we continued to talk frequently, but it didn’t seem that her relationship with her dad could ever be reconciled. Each time we talked, I told her I would be praying for her—and particularly for her relationship with her father. But it seemed that she and her dad were growing further apart.
When the divorce was finalized, it included mandatory visitation for the dad with all the children. But because of the strained relationship between my friend and her father, he said he wouldn’t force her to come. “It’s up to you,” he told her.
Maybe her dad meant well by not forcing her, but his words hurt her deeply. By leaving it up to her, her dad seemed to be saying he didn’t care about his daughter—at least that’s how it felt to her.
On the outside, my friend seemed tough and acted like it didn’t hurt, but on the inside she was heartbroken, and often when we talked by phone, the tears came pouring out. Despite the pain, she knew her relationship with her father was important. And she knew in her heart that her dad felt the same way. They just didn’t seem to know how to get past all the hurt.
Then, out of the blue, months after their big blowup when he left the family, the girl’s dad invited her and her siblings to go to a ball game with him. But again, he let her know she didn’t have to go if she didn’t want to.
My friend and I talked about her dad’s invitation, and she acknowledged that it meant her dad was still trying to have a relationship with her. He hadn’t given up, even though it seemed like he didn’t care.
The girl decided to go, even though her heart was still full of so much pain and bitterness toward her dad that she was afraid it would come rushing out and damage their relationship even more. But the truth was, she missed her dad and longed to spend time doing fun things with him the way they’d done before the divorce.
When she asked for my advice on how to handle this situation with her dad, I told her I didn’t know what it was like to be in a family split by divorce, but I know the feeling of wanting to have healthy family relationships.
I encouraged the girl to honor her dad because, despite her hurt feelings, he is still her father. Everyone wants to be respected, but it’s especially important for fathers. I suggested that to begin improving their relationship, the first thing she needed to work on was being positive. If she felt like she was going to say something critical or negative, I advised her that it would be better, at least for now, to choose not to say anything. Along with this goal, I encouraged her to pray for her dad and ask God to help him have more patience and kindness and to pray that he would be “slow to anger,” a phrase that occurs several times in the Bible describing a characteristic of God.
The Bible teaches that whenever we encounter those who are troubled by harmful character qualities—things like anger, dishonesty, impatience, vanity—we should pray that God will help them to develop the opposite quality—things like a peaceful demeanor, truthfulness, patience, and humility. I shared these suggestions with the girl, and we prayed together that God would help her dad replace his negative character qualities with positive ones. We also asked God to do the same thing for the girl, replacing her anger with respect and courtesy.
So they went to the ball game, and she called me afterward, excitedly describing the outing with her dad. Things had been a little strained at first, she said, but the afternoon had passed peacefully, and there had even been moments of fun and laughter. She felt they’d taken a solid step toward restoring their relationship.
I suggested that a good next step would be for her to find something she could praise her dad for or thank him for. The next time they were together, she thanked him for reaching out to her, and she told him, “I like it when you call to talk to me.”
Our travel schedule makes it hard to have pets, so we’re grateful to neighbors who share their friendly animals, and as you can see from the smile on Jana’s face here, we did enjoy having a horse named Samson several years ago.
As she has kept her focus on honoring her father and looking for ways to be positive and praise him, their communication has gotten better. And although the situation is still challenging, by demonstrating an attitude of love and respect she’s helping their relationship improve.
If you’re going through a tough time and your relationship with one or both of your parents is strained, we hope you’ll ask God to give you the wisdom and the courage to do your part in making a difference. Show love and respect. Look for opportunities to express gratefulness for the sacrifices they make as parents, and avoid being critical. Pray that God will replace the negative character qualities in both you and your parent with the opposite character traits and then watch for times when you can put those qualities to work.
CRUCIAL COMMUNICATION
LOVE AND RESPECT ARE important in our family—and in every family. But those qualities don’t always come about automatically. When you see the Duggar family on television happily having adventures at home and around the country, it may seem like we never have disagreements or that we kids never get upset with each other or with Mom or Dad. But we’re human. Sometimes siblings irritate us! We get our feelings hurt! We get disappointed when things don’t turn out the way we expected them to.
When those situations occur, our parents have shown us by their own example ways to resolve them so that our relationships with each other aren’t damaged. We’ll talk more about how we resolve disputes with our siblings in the next chapter. In this section we want to share the ways we relate to our parents. For Duggar kids, that begins with how we talk to and with Mom and Dad.
Like most families, our parents desire that their relationship with us is one of love and mutual respect. Mom and Dad have also emphasized that they are there for us whenever we’re going through a tough time and need someone to share our heart with. They’ve made it clear that we can always come to them and tell them anything and they’ll be there to listen and, if need be, to give us counsel. They understand that sometimes girls just need to talk to someone but don’t necessarily want a five-step solution to fix everything! Many times we just want someone to listen to what’s going on in our lives.
We are reminded that the book of Proverbs is full of parents saying to their children, in various ways, “My son, my daughter, give me your heart. Hear my counsel. Listen to my instruction.” In communicating with our parents about the challenges and struggles we are facing, we have found that they walked through similar experiences in their own youth, and they can share personal stories, encouragement, and advice on how to get through these difficult times.
I (Jinger) went through a couple of difficult stages when talking with Mom and Dad was both challenging—and healing. The first was when I was about five years old and we were living in a rented house near Little Rock while Dad was serving in the legislature there. One evening while Dad was driving the hour-long commute home from work, a tornado warning was issued for our area. Mom and Grandma nestled all of us kids into the bathtub, and we huddled there, praying and singing hymns as the tornado roared by a neighborhood not too far from ours.
For a long time after that I was fearful of death and of storms. There were many, many nights when I would wake up Mom and Dad in the middle of the night, worrying that another storm would come and kill us all. Or kill me. Or kill them and leave us kids to fend for ourselves.
When Dad asked if the girls would like to experience what it’s like to go turkey hunting, Jinger took him up on the invitation.
Our parents have always encouraged us to come to them anytime, day or night, when we’re frightened or having troubling thoughts. (Daddy says some nights they have a full and overflowing room full of Duggars!)
When I would go to my parents with my fears, they would snuggle me into their arms and reassure me. They would encourage me to look to God by quoting the words of David from the Psalms: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee” (Psalms 56:3). Then they would pray with me and remind me of other Bible verses that promise God’s love and care for us, such as God’s promise “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). Eventually I would go back to bed and sleep soundly.
Now when I meet a little girl who’s afraid of storms, I tell her I used to be afraid, too, and I’d run to my parents’ bedroom just as she’s probably doing when the thunder rolls and the lightning crackles. And I tell her what my parents encouraged me to do every time I felt afraid: they would suggest that I focus on those reassuring Bible verses I’d memorized (such as Psalm 23) and that I shift my focus away from myself and my fears by praying for someone else who might be going through a scary or difficult time.
I grew out of my fear of storms just in time to hit another difficult bump in the road. It came when I was turning thirteen and entering the tough stage so many girls endure somewhere between twelve and sixteen. You’re no longer a little girl, but you’re not quite a woman. The hormones kick in. You suddenly notice boys. Confusing thoughts are zipping through your mind and sometimes lies fill your head, telling you things like “I’m ugly” or “I’m never gonna get a guy.”
The lies in your head can seem random and constant, making you think you have to look a certain way or act a certain way. Self-acceptance becomes a major issue. You want to change your looks, your friends, your personality, everything. You want desperately to appear like a super-cool teenager, but at the same time, you may feel yourself inwardly spiraling downward into an endless well of self-doubt.
When I was in this stage, I went to my parents many a night, or I would confide in Mom during the day, sharing my worries or doubts about myself.
My parents responded with unwavering love and encouragement. Dad would say, “Jinger, as long as you keep talking, you will be okay! You’ll get through this. It’s a season of your life, and things will get easier as you grow in your relationship with God.”
Mom reminded me that when Jesus was tempted, He quoted Scripture. She wrote out verses for me to memorize from Romans 6 and other passages so that when the doubts or fears would sneak in, I could push them aside with assurances and truths from God’s Word. As a family, we also memorized Ephesians 6:10–20 because it talks about the armor and weapons that we as Christians have to use against the attacks of Satan.
Mom also encouraged me to choose a “prayer target” and suggested that anytime I was tempted by negative thoughts or by worries and fears I could use that as a springboard to pray for someone I knew who needed God’s salvation or just needed to draw closer to Him. She gave me a great mental exercise: every time the devil tries to tempt you to be fearful, to believe lies about yourself, or to get consumed with boy thoughts, take the focus off yourself by quoting God’s Word and praying for someone else. Satan definitely doesn’t want you praying, so eventually he’ll back off!
Like Dad, Mom also assured me that this stage would soon pass. One day, when I was in the throes of self-doubt and tempted to let worrisome thoughts fill my mind, Mom asked me if it would be okay if she asked Jana to talk with me. I agreed. Jana opened up and shared about how during her teenage years she had experienced many of the same struggles, and as she applied these same principles to her life she was able to slowly get out of this same emotional rut. She said this emotional roller coaster affects a lot of teenage girls, but as you seek the Lord and grow in your relationship with Him you will be strengthened, and these trials will slowly fade away.
Mom knew that her and Dad’s reassurance was helpful, but to hear it from an older sister who had been in the same stage not too long ago was even more powerful. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to “hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise.” I listened to Mom’s and Jana’s counsel, and the troubling thoughts soon lessened.
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS
MOM AND DAD DON’T just say, “You can talk to us anytime,” and leave it at that. In addition to daily striving to keep up with our hearts, they also set aside time—usually on one Saturday a month—specifically for heart-to-heart family time. It’s a dedicated time when each of us kids, one after another, spends time with them talking one-on-one, typically either in their bedroom or in the room we call our prayer closet. Sometimes we talk with Mom, sometimes with Dad, or sometimes with both together. Often to help get the conversation going, they’ll ask us questions.
They’ve let us know that they are a “safe place” to share things and that we can tell them anything, no matter how hard it may be for them to hear.
So far, if they’ve been shocked by something we’ve said, they haven’t shown it. And we know they will keep our issues private unless we agree that they can share them with a sibling, like Mom did when Jinger needed encouragement from Jana. As Dad says, they’re not going to announce our worries or misdeeds as public prayer requests next Sunday at church!
Since our parents have a twenty-four-hour open-door policy, we sometimes come in at midnight, even 2 A.M., just to talk or share our heart. (If we come in too late, things can get a bit entertaining. Dad sometimes finds it hard to stay awake. It’s not a matter of interest. But after all, it is 2 A.M., and even the Duggars are usually asleep by then. That’s when Mom might give him a gentle nudge and say, “Jim Bob, wake up. We’re still talking here!”)
At the beginning of a heart-to-heart talk, Mom and Dad might start by asking, “How are you doing?”
Often we respond with a simple “Okay.”
And of course, most parents can discern whether that means “good” or “not so good.”
From time to time, they might ask other simple questions—about our favorite food, restaurant, candy, coffee, ice cream, board game, color, music, clothes, and more. These questions aren’t just meant as icebreaker chitchat. Mom takes notes! She may have nineteen kids, but she wants to know every one of us in detail.
Inevitably, depending on the age of the child, the questions vary from “Have you been kind to your siblings when playing?” for younger kids, into “How’s your thought life going?” for an older one.
Then, depending on which child they’re talking with, they might pick a couple of different questions from this list to ask during talk time:
1. Who’s your best friend? What qualities do you admire in him or her? Does this friendship tend to build you up or pull you down?
2. What do you want to do with your life? Whom do you want to be like? What skills do you want to develop? Do you wonder what God’s will is for your life?
3. What books are you reading? What interests you in that book and how has it influenced you? Have you ever thought about writing a book? What topic would you write about? (You might have guessed our answer to these last questions!)
4. What things in our family discourage you? (Clutter? Conflicts with siblings? Lack of space? Rules? When others get into your stuff?)
5. What changes would you like to see in us (Mom and Dad)? (More time spent with the family? Greater spiritual leadership?)
6. What projects are you working on now? Who or what are you praying for? (Career training? Mentoring others?)
7. What things about yourself or your past would you like to change?
8. If you could ask God any question, what would you ask Him?
9. What things can I pray about for you?
These questions have changed over time, and of course the questions they ask depend on the age of the child having the heart-to-heart talk. Growing up with this kind of communication builds trust, and we feel the freedom to share our deepest thoughts, hopes, fears, and failures with our parents.
WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS IT?
WE KNOW THAT THIS family tradition of ours is pretty unusual. Maybe in your family, there’s no way parents and kids can spend a whole day talking one-on-one. And actually, having a set day for family talk time may be the ideal, but it’s not our parents’ primary goal. Their priority is that we maintain open communication at all times.
Maybe you’d like to have this kind of open relationship with your parents, but you feel awkward suggesting it or just don’t know how to make it happen. And even if your parents do set aside time for heart-to-heart talks with you, we know you may not find it easy to respond.
That’s what happened when I (Jessa) was about thirteen. About that time, I started thinking, If my parents really cared about me, they would be able to see that something is troubling me, and they’d help me work through it.
But as much as I knew Mom and Dad loved me, and as hard as they tried to let me know they were there for me, they didn’t ask the “ideal question” (whatever that was!) that would have opened the floodgates.
Ever been there? Thinking your parents just don’t understand you? When that happens, it’s easy for walls of bitterness and hurt to rise up as you sink deeper into your self-absorbed thinking and start believing your parents just aren’t there for you when you need them most.
The truth is, they’re probably much more “there” for you than you realize. But you may be stuck in a mind-set that makes you think it’s their responsibility to figure out what’s going on with you—when, most likely, you can’t even figure it out yourself!
Our parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, value their relationship with Jesus as their top priority. Second to that comes their relationship with each other and with their family.
It finally dawned on me one day that the key was for me to take responsibility in initiating the conversation—and that it was my responsibility to respond honestly to their questions when they tried to have a heart-to-heart talk.
Instead of giving superficial answers to their questions, I attempted to be more thorough and open with my answers. But the change was hard. While I really wanted to be honest, I also didn’t want to “bother” them with everything, so I still held back some stuff.
That meant those issues built up and up and up until, and by the time I finally decided to open up to my parents, I felt almost like I was in a “crisis situation”! I would be so stressed that I couldn’t get my thoughts into words, and then I would begin to worry:
What are my parents going to think about me if I share this with them?
What will others think if they find out?
Would I be better off not saying anything?
My parents reassured me that nothing I would ever say or do could change their love for me. Their love is unconditional. They also encouraged me to try to get everything off my heart. Mom compared it to getting a splinter in your foot. Unless you get all of it out, it will continue to cause you pain and can even become infected. Removing a splinter may be somewhat painful at first, but that is the only way to get long-term relief and bring healing.
I finally shared a small thing, just to see how they would react. Then a little more and a little more until it all came pouring out in a rush of sobs and jumbled-up phrases. After I shared, I felt so free inside, almost like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it brought peace and strengthened my relationship with my parents. All of those fears that had held me back from talking had almost kept me from experiencing one of the most wonderful feelings in the world—a clear conscience.
All of us girls have realized that if we end up crying when we’re talking to Mom and Dad (and Jill and Jinger are now the most likely to cry), it’s usually because we’ve waited too long to share the concerns of our hearts.
After several heart-to-heart meltdowns, I (Jessa) have gotten better at opening up and talking about things that trouble me with Mom and Dad before the problems build up. That’s not to say it’s always easy, but the blessings and sense of freedom that come with being completely open and honest are wonderful. It means we feel understood by our parents, inside and out, and we know without a doubt that they accept us and love us unconditionally.
It’s a sign of increasing maturity when a young person begins to develop these communication skills. Being open can spare us many troubles later on, as so many issues in adult life are a direct result of miscommunication or noncommunication.
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS for how you can improve your communication—and your relationship—with your parents.
If you visit our house, you might find yourself in the middle of a foursquare game the minute you walk in the front door!
Spend Time Together
SURE, YOU MAY LIVE in the same house, but how much time do you actually spend enjoying each other? If that sounds strange to you, we encourage you to give it a try. Even if you feel your relationship with your parents is strained, try just hanging out with them and watch for opportunities to start up a conversation.
In many homes, conversation flows easily around the kitchen table or across the kitchen counter as someone is cooking or preparing a meal. Ask your parents questions about their childhood and growing-up years. Share something funny that one of your friends or little siblings said. Find something to chat about, even if it’s the weather. Small talk can help to keep your relationship healthy and create a foundation for discussing deeper issues.
Express Gratefulness
AS A FAMILY, WE resolve to weed out daily those attitudes of ungratefulness that sneak in and bring with them an air of discontent. For instance, around our house we are not allowed to say, “I’m bored.” It is an expression of ungratefulness with a person’s surroundings and a complaining attitude with the idea that one must be constantly doing something fun or entertaining in order to be happy.
Now, we must admit that there have been times when one of us dared to utter those taboo words, but Mom quickly cured us of our “boredom” with her nonchalant reply, “Well, if you can’t think of anything to do, I certainly can!” and then she would put us to work! If we as sons and daughters take on a selfish “me-centered” attitude in life, we may begin to feel that our parents owe it to us to provide us with all the latest toys and gadgets, cute cars, and a fancy house. But the Bible says, “And having food and raiment, let us be therewith content” (1 Timothy 6:8). This means we should be content with the most basic necessities of life, and that anything beyond that is an extra bonus, not something we deserve or require.
Another thing that expresses ungratefulness is complaining about rules or family guidelines. It never does any good to throw a fit like a two-year-old! If there is something we really want to do but Mom and Dad don’t agree, it’s helpful to try to see things from their point of view. Our parents encourage us to talk to them and make a “wise appeal” (more about this later) if we feel something should be changed or done differently.
Parents work hard to provide for their family’s needs and even some of the “wants.” We need to constantly let them know we appreciate what they do, whether it’s cooking supper, hosting a birthday party, paying for music lessons—or helping to put us through college! All of us, including parents, like to have our work and sacrifices acknowledged. We can really brighten a parent’s day with a hug, a note of gratefulness, or a meaningful word of encouragement and appreciation.
Be a Blessing
DO YOUR PART. ACTUALLY look for ways to bless others. Help out around the house and watch for opportunities to do little jobs, like washing the dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning, organizing, or folding the laundry without being asked. Do your best to get along with your brothers and sisters so your home is a place of peace and joy where everyone feels safe and protected.
THE OBEDIENCE GAME
DUGGAR KIDS GROW UP playing the Obedience Game. It’s sort of like Mother May I? except it has a few extra twists—and there’s no need to double-check with “Mother” because she (or Dad) is the one giving the orders.
It’s one way Mom and Dad help the little kids in the family burn off extra energy some nights before we all put on our pajamas and gather for Bible time (more about that in chapter 8). To play the Obedience Game, the little kids all gather in the living room. After listening carefully to Mom’s or Dad’s instructions, they respond with “Yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to!” then run and quickly accomplish the tasks.
For example, Mom might say, “Jennifer, go upstairs to the girls’ room, touch the foot of your bed, then come back downstairs and give Mom a high-five.” Jennifer answers with an energetic “Yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to!” and off she goes.
Dad might say, “Johannah, run around the kitchen table three times, then touch the front doorknob and come back.” As Johannah stands up she says, “Yes, sir, I’d be happy to!”
“Jackson, go touch the front door, then touch the back door, then touch the side door, and then come back.” Jackson, who loves to play army, stands at attention, then salutes and replies, “Yes, sir, I’d be happy to!” as he goes to complete his assignment at lightning speed.
Sometimes spotters are sent along with the game player to make sure the directions are followed exactly. And of course, the faster the orders can be followed, the more applause the contestant gets when he or she slides back into the living room, out of breath and pleased with himself or herself for having complied flawlessly. All the younger Duggar kids love to play this game; it’s a way to make practicing obedience fun!
THE FOUR POINTS OF OBEDIENCE
THE GAME’S RULES (MADE up by our family) stem from our study of the four points of obedience, which Mom taught us when we were young. As a matter of fact, as we are writing this book she is currently teaching these points to our youngest siblings. Obedience must be:
1. Instant. We answer with an immediate, prompt “Yes ma’am!” or “Yes sir!” as we set out to obey. (This response is important to let the authority know you heard what he or she asked you to do and that you are going to get it done as soon as possible.) Delayed obedience is really disobedience.
2. Cheerful. No grumbling or complaining. Instead, we respond with a cheerful “I’d be happy to!”
3. Thorough. We do our best, complete the task as explained, and leave nothing out. No lazy shortcuts!
4. Unconditional. No excuses. No, “That’s not my job!” or “Can’t someone else do it? or “But . . .”
THE HIDDEN GOAL WITH this fun, fast-paced game is that kids won’t need to be told more than once to do something.
Mom would explain the deeper reason behind why she and Daddy desired for us to learn obedience. “Mom and Daddy won’t always be with you, but God will,” she says. “As we teach you to hear and obey our voice now, our prayer is that ultimately you will learn to hear and obey what God’s tells you to do through His Word.”
In many families it seems that many of the goals of child training have been lost. Parents often expect their children to know what they should say and do, and then they’re shocked and react harshly when their sweet little two-year-old throws a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. This parental attitude probably stems from the belief that we are all born basically good deep down inside, but the truth is, we are all born with a sin nature. Think about it: You don’t have to teach a child to hit, scream, whine, disobey, or be selfish. It comes naturally. The Bible says that parents are to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
It’s a parent’s responsibility to train their children to behave with good character when they are young so that, by God’s grace, as they continue to grow and mature, they will one day be loving, caring, and responsible adults. And while training in the middle of a misbehavior is always necessary, Mom has found that many of these situations can be avoided by training kids how to respond to a situation before it arises. Maybe you could call it preventive parenting.
For instance, during hot summer days growing up, Mom would occasionally let all of us have a Popsicle as a special treat. While we were picking out our favorite flavor, she would say, “After we’re done with our Popsicles, what are we going to do with the wrapper and sticks? That’s right. They go in the trash can—not in the yard.”
Now, that’s not to say we never dropped our Popsicle wrappers outside somewhere, but hearing that many times beforehand helped us remember—and saved Mom from having to correct us afterward.
It helps so much to have goals to aim for and learn the right responses to different situations. From the time we were young, as part of our homeschooling we would study a different character quality every month, memorizing its definition together as a family. A full list of all forty-nine character qualities, published by the Institute in Basic Life Principles, can be found on our website (www.duggarfamily.com), but we would like to list a few here:
• Obedience is the freedom to be creative under God-given authority.
• Generosity is realizing that all I have belongs to God and using it for His purposes.
• Freedom is not the right to do what I want but the power to do what I ought.
• Self-control is instant obedience to the initial prompting of God’s Spirit.
• Kindness is seeing needs in the lives of others as opportunities to demonstrate my love for Christ.
Once we had recited the character quality definition of the week a few times, each one of us would write it out on a sheet of paper and decorate it with stickers and markers. Then we would post our decorative youthful artwork around the house. Mom always made learning fun!
As our family has memorized these and many other powerful definitions, we have gained a deeper understanding of what these words really mean.
A WISE APPEAL
NOW, WE ALL ACKNOWLEDGE that nobody’s perfect, and that includes parents. Sometimes parents may ask you to do something or go somewhere when they’re not fully aware of the details or how the request will affect you. When this happens in the Duggar family, our parents encourage us kids to make what we call a “wise appeal.” It means we are expected to respectfully remind our parents of information they have forgotten or may not know, or things that are going on that might interfere with our carrying out their request. The key word here is respectfully. Sometimes this may include asking if it is okay to approach the project from a different angle—using a creative alternative, as long as it accomplishes the same ultimate goal (see Daniel 1).
When an authority asks us to do something, we should try to see from the authority’s perspective, how and why he or she wants it done. If we feel we cannot follow through because the time frame is too short or we find it’s unsafe or there are other obstacles hindering it from being accomplished, then it’s time for a wise appeal.
Don’t just ignore what the person in authority is asking. It is a poor representation of your character when you just avoid doing the requested job or activity altogether without attempting to make an appeal and explain why. Like Daniel in the Bible, who came up with an innovative alternative when he was asked to do something he knew was wrong, we must also formulate a creative alternative to present to the person in authority when needed. Don’t argue in pride and try to convince the authority you have a better idea; instead, humbly make your case to the one in charge.
For example, if Mom asked Josiah to mow the lawn, he would ordinarily have no problem doing that. But maybe he already had plans to help Dad with a remodeling project at one of our rental properties. In that case, it’s Josiah’s responsibility to make a wise appeal by saying, “I would be glad to mow the lawn, but Dad and some of the others are in the middle of a tiling project and could use some extra help. Would it be okay if I did it later, or would you want to ask one of the other kids to do it?” More than likely she would agree that Dad could use Josiah’s help with the tiling, and she would have Joy or someone else mow the lawn.
Jessa and Jinger express their love for each other through this big hug!
A wise appeal starts by making sure our attitude is right. If we’re in the middle of a really good book and don’t want to leave it, that’s not a good enough reason not to help Mom when she asks us to do something. Appeals should not be made merely as an attempt to get out of doing work. On the other hand, if we’ve set up a time to mentor a younger friend and she is due to arrive in fifteen minutes, we might say, “Mom, I would be happy to help you, but Jamie’s coming over at three for our mentoring time. Would it be okay if I did it later?”
Remember to always show respect to those in authority, even when you can’t comply with what they want you to do. If you simply say, “Nope, I’m not gonna do that,” you may end up getting in trouble because of your stubborn attitude as much as because you’re refusing to do what’s asked of you.
If you mouth off and say, “Mom, you know I can’t go to the store now! Jamie’s coming at three,” your words and tone portray a condemning attitude that’s far from respectful.
Mom and Jessa flash confident smiles before heading out on the skydiving airplane and parachuting from 12,800 feet.
While some kids tend to take that approach and fire back a reason why they can’t do something, others may say, “Sure, I’ll do it,” just to get their parent off their case. Maybe they really do plan to do it eventually, just not right now. Parents don’t appreciate this, either, and you can be sure they will be disappointed later to hear “Oh, I forgot,” or to hear you recite a long list of excuses why you didn’t get it done. In the future this makes it hard for them to trust you and believe you will follow through with what you say you’ll do. It is better to make a wise appeal if you honestly think you cannot do it right away.
Wise appeals are also necessary if, halfway through the task, you encounter some legitimate roadblock that hinders you from finishing the project. For instance, if the mower runs out of fuel, go back and report why you are unable to complete the mission. If you just think, Well, that’s that, and quit, leaving the job half done, you can expect that when your parent comes to check up on the project, he or she won’t be very pleased.
A wise appeal makes a parent, teacher, boss, or anyone else in authority happy because he or she appreciates your respectful attitude, even when you’re asking to be excused from what you’re being asked to do. This also applies if someone should ask us (we hope unintentionally) to do something dangerous or morally wrong. Even then, it’s important to be humble, loving, respectful, and yet bold, as we state our reasons for not complying.
PARENTS STRUGGLE, TOO
WE’VE EXPLAINED THAT OUR parents encourage us to share our hearts with them, including our struggles. But it may surprise you to learn that they also open up their hearts to us in some ways. They don’t go into unnecessary detail, but they aren’t afraid to tell us their faults, and they want us to learn from their past mistakes and failures.
Dad has also asked us kids to please bring it to his attention if we see him raising his voice or talking with sharp words. Not that he has a major anger problem, but like everyone who lives and breathes, he’s experienced anger at one time or another. Dad has told us that his own father was prone to angry outbursts. He has shared with us how hurtful and frightening his father’s angry outbursts could be. As a result, Dad committed early on to try to control his temper and spare his family from the anger that had caused him such discomfort as a boy.
That’s not to say Dad never gets angry. But he doesn’t express it in angry rants. When he’s upset about something one of us kids has done (or about something thoughtless or mean that someone has done), he handles the situation directly—but calmly. If the culprit is one of the kids, he or Mom will take that one aside and speak to him or her quietly and respectfully. If a consequence is in order, it’s handed down the same way—privately, calmly, and respectfully. Mom and Dad have made it a practice to praise in public, correct in private.
Years ago, Dad heard a man speak about his struggle with anger and how God had given him a creative way to handle it. Dad decided right then to implement the same strategy into his own life. That’s when he told all of us kids if we ever sense that he’s getting worked up about something, we have his permission to touch his arm gently and quietly say, “Daddy, I think you’re getting angry.”
It isn’t that Dad doesn’t know he’s upset about something. Instead, the little hand on his arm reminds him how important it is for his family’s well-being that he keep control of his temper. He told us to do that because he knows that words can come pouring out in anger that can’t be taken back and can cause emotional scars even after apologies are given. These days, it seems like it rarely happens because Dad has really made it a point to keep his temper in check, and we all agree he has done a great job!
Some girls have confided in me (Jana) that they sometimes fear their dads because they have exploded into a rage, throwing things, slamming doors, even hitting or pushing their wives. They would probably shrug at examples of how our dad has expressed his anger in the past. But dad has felt bad about these situations and has quickly apologized. Over the years he has gotten much better about not letting things stir up a spirit of anger in him, but he would be the first to say he has not completely conquered it.
For example, one day not too long ago, Dad asked those of us who were working inside to clean the house before company arrived while he and a few of the other kids cleaned up outside. When he came in an hour or so later, the house was still a mess—and may have even looked worse than when Dad and the others went outside. The Duggars in charge of cleaning the living room and kitchen and emptying the downstairs trash cans had not done their jobs. Dad walked in the door, took one look at the house, and said loudly and sternly in an angry tone, “Guys, I asked you to clean this place up more than an hour ago, and look at it: it looks like a tornado has hit!”
Were those children (who shall remain nameless) wrong when they didn’t do what Dad asked? Yes. Did they get in trouble for not carrying out their responsibilities? Yes.
But at the same time, Dad knew he had reacted with an attitude of anger, and that wasn’t the behavior he wanted his children to imitate.
Later that evening he called all of us kids together to apologize. He said, “The situation wasn’t as important as my wrong response. I reacted with anger, and I want to ask you all, Will you please forgive me?”
Did that make Dad look weak? Absolutely not! One lesson we Duggars are emphatically taught is that humility is not weakness. In fact, it can be just the opposite. It takes a strong man to recognize his own faults and apologize to his wife and children for them. Dad’s humility—not only that day but every day—causes us to respect and admire him even more.
Dad’s example to make things right has encouraged us to examine our own reactions to others and to take action when we need to admit we have done something wrong.
Mom, on the other hand, has a rather unique way of handling anger—even though she rarely gets angry. But when she does, she lowers her voice to a gentle whisper. That’s right. No yelling. God convicted her of this early in her parenting as she realized the truth of Proverbs 15:1, which says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.”
When Mom gets upset with one of us, she will take that child aside, get down to his or her eye level, and in a soft voice, almost whisper her words: “Josie, you may not dump your bowl of cereal on the table and smear it everywhere!” or “Jordyn, don’t everclimb up on the outside of the staircase! That is very dangerous. You could fall off and hurt yourself!”
The long and short of it is, when Mom whispers, most likely someone’s in trouble.
In contrast to Mom’s quiet way of handling anger, I’ve seen the effects of out-of-control anger firsthand. The number-one painful thing girls talk about at the Journey to the Heart girls retreat—a ministry I am involved with—and almost always through tears and heartache, is anger in the home.
Mom is not only our mother but also our role model, teacher, and mentor. She’s also someone we like to have fun with, including dressing up for a women’s event that asked everyone to wear a fancy (and funny) hat.
Anger can cause lifelong damage to anyone, but especially to children. It can break apart families, destroy marriages, kill friendships, and even end careers. Dad has told us many stories of people who have gotten angry and lost control of themselves, as well as the consequences that followed. One employee at the grocery store where Dad used to work got mad at the boss for getting on to him, so he punched the boss with his fist! As you could guess, that was the end of his job.
Another young man my dad knew got angry with another driver in a road rage incident. They both ended up stopping at the side of the road and yelling at each other. One young man got so angry that he put his car in gear and rammed into the other guy. That day both young men’s lives changed forever; one died, and the other ended up going to prison.
We know our parents aren’t perfect—they are the first ones to admit this. But they have worked hard to teach us biblical principles and how they play out in our lives, and we are so thankful for the influence they are in our lives!