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Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
—Psalms 133:1
IT’S NOT ALWAYS EASY getting along with eighteen siblings. After all, with this many kids in the family we have just about every personality type possible. Some of us are easygoing, laid-back types, and others are constantly moving go-getters. Duggar kids range from outdoorsy types to computer geeks, animal lovers to bookworms. When one of us is sick or feeling discouraged about something, we can count on some siblings offering compassionate sympathy while others may share a pat on the back and say something like “Come on, you’ll probably feel better if you get up. Let’s go outside and play!”
With such a diverse assortment of personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses, siblings provide the perfect environment for relationship training. It might just be true that if you can learn to get along with your siblings, you can learn to get along with just about anybody!
Maybe if you have a sibling or two—or ten—you understand. And if you’re an only child and don’t have any siblings at all, maybe some of the stories we share in this chapter will give you ideas about how to relate more securely and pleasantly to other family members—and keep your friendships strong, too.
Duggar kids are just like human beings everywhere. We have faults and shortcomings that include the ability to irritate or mistreat others, especially our siblings. And also like most human beings, we have the natural tendency to overreact or to react inappropriately when someone, especially a sibling, misbehaves or treats us unfairly.
With a family as big as ours, the result could be a home that’s a constant battleground of hot-tempered yelling, accusations, denials, hitting, name-calling, and general chaos. Instead, our parents work hard to make our house a peaceful, fun, comfortable, love-filled place where everyone is treated with patience and respect.
But that doesn’t mean conflicts never occur.
Consider the time, about ten years ago, when there were “only” fourteen Duggar children, most of us still under the age of fifteen, and Dad bought some used lockers at an auction. We were so excited to have someplace to store all of our own personal treasures—like our private stockpiles of candy, for instance.
But then Jill opened her locker one day, looking forward to a sweet treat, and all she found was empty wrappers. Someone had stolen her candy!
“Who got into my locker?” she asked the rest of us.
Nobody offered up a confession.
“That’s it. I’m checking teeth,” she said. And so she began. With the determination of a no-nonsense dental detective (or perhaps a veterinarian checking the age of a horse), she insisted on looking inside each sibling’s mouth. One by one, confused little ones opened their mouths while Jill peered in. And then she got to Joy.
“I can see blue in your teeth!” Jill announced matter-of-factly. “You ate my Jolly Ranchers!”
Case solved. At this point Mom and Dad got involved and they lovingly, but firmly, talked to Joy. “What did you do?” they asked.
Joy confessed she had opened Jill’s locker looking for something and found the stash of candy and ate one piece, then a second, and kept going till she’d eaten all of it. She apologized (more about Duggar-style apologies later), and Jill quickly forgave her. Something every person needs to learn from an early age is that we can be forgiven for whatever we do wrong, but there are still consequences. So then the Duggar-family penalty was imposed: if you take something that isn’t yours, you must repay it—and, oftentimes, double repay it to learn your lesson. When it was all said and done, Jill ended up with more candy than she’d had before, and Joy learned to never take something that doesn’t belong to her.
Soon after that incident, we all got locks for our lockers!
OFFERING APOLOGIES AND FORGIVENESS
ONE OF THE WAYS our parents have taught us to keep our sibling relationships strong is to deal with offenses quickly. That means a prompt and meaningful apology.
Mom and Dad have taught us what a meaningful apology is not: It’s not saying, “I’m sorry but . . .” And it’s never saying things like “I’m sorry if you were offended,” or “I’m sorry I got angry because you mistreated me.” Mom and Dad make it very clear that we shouldn’t point out others’ mistakes or blame others for our wrong response.
When we make a true apology, we swallow our pride, apologize for what we did, and “own” our offense, regardless of what happened before or after it—even if we feel the other person was 90 percent wrong and we were only 10 percent wrong, we apologize for our 10 percent. Mom taught us from a young age to look the person in the eye and say, with a humble attitude, “Johannah, I was wrong for being selfish and taking the toy away from you. Will you please forgive me?”
But then comes the offended person’s responsibility: forgiveness. Sometimes that seems harder than apologizing! Sometimes people think if they refuse to forgive someone, that’s a way to get revenge. The truth is, bitterness will eat us up inside.
Dad says when you won’t forgive, it’s as if you’re saying to the one who wronged you, “I’ll show you! I’m going to make you suffer for how you hurt or offended me. You’re going to be sorry now!” Then it’s like you turn around and drink a cup of poison. Instead of getting revenge, you’re really just hurting yourself.
Mom adds, “No one enjoys being around a bitter, angry, complaining, critical person!”
Years ago, Mom realized our family needed to memorize Matthew 18, the chapter in which Jesus teaches us how to deal with offenses and hurt feelings and resolve them. With as many people as we have in our household, we have a lot of opportunities to put this conflict-resolution stuff into practice!
As the oldest girls, Jill, left, and Jana have been best friends all their lives. As our family grew, occasional challenges occurred among siblings, but Mom and Dad taught us to work through difficulties using biblical guidelines.
Dad reminded us that when we pray the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9–13) we are asking God to forgive us to the same degree we forgive others. It says, “Forgive us . . . as we forgive.” Dad asked us to think about those words and take them seriously. Even though we might not feel like forgiving someone, we must choose to forgive every person who offends us and do it even before they ask—and regardless of whether they ever do ask. We must come to the place where we say, “Lord, I choose to forgive (name of offender) for (name of offense).” It’s a choice we can’t afford not to make.
The choice to forgive doesn’t always free that other person from the consequences of his or her wrong actions, but it frees the forgiver from negative feelings toward the offender. And if we still have feelings of bitterness, the Bible says it’s important not only to forgive the other person, but also to go a step further and look for ways to bless him or her.
GOING THE SECOND MILE
DADDY SHARED WITH US the principle of “going the extra mile” from Matthew 5:41. In Jesus’s day, the law required that any Jewish boy over the age of twelve could be forced away from his own concerns at any time to help a Roman soldier carry his pack for up to one mile in any direction. In much the same way, Simon of Cyrene was forced to bear the cross of Jesus (see Matthew 27:32).
The Jews of Jesus’s day, of course, deeply resented this humiliating law and saw it as a symbol of foreign domination. You can imagine, then, their surprise when Jesus said, “go with him two miles.”
Jesus knew that by going the second mile, the offended one would be set free to show God’s love to the offender. Picture the Roman soldier saying, “Okay, you’re relieved from your duty now; you’ve gone your mile,” and hearing the other person respond, “I’d like to carry your pack for you another mile.”
What do you think the first question out of that soldier’s lips would be? No doubt, you guessed it. He would say, “Why are you doing this?”
And that person would have an open door to say, “Well, because there was this Man named Jesus who taught me to go the second mile.”
Don’t you know that message would fall on open ears! That soldier would want to know what could motivate someone to show such undeserved kindness.
LEARNING A MEMORABLE LESSON
JESSA AND I (JANA) got a memorable lesson in how that works when Jessa was six and I was eight. At the time, we lived in a four-bedroom house, and Jill and Jinger shared one room, and Jessa and I shared another.
It’s hard to imagine it now, but at the time Jessa and I really didn’t get along—which is probably why our parents put us in the same room, so we could work on our relationship. We shared a bunk bed; I was on top, and Jessa was on the bottom.
Every night, as I was trying to go to sleep, Jessa would kick my mattress: Thump. Thump. Thump. I would ask her to stop, but she would keep right on kicking. This continued until I called Mom in and Jessa got in trouble. But only a few nights later, she’d be at it again: Thump. Thump. Thump. “That bother you up there, Jana?” she would say with a giggle.
(Note: This was early in the development of Mom and Dad’s parenting skills, and they had not yet adopted some of the rules and practices we’ll describe a little later.)
Our parents were tirelessly consistent about getting on to Jessa. But Jessa, likewise, was tirelessly consistent with her aggravating ways. Repeatedly, Mom and Dad corrected Jessa. And each time, they would have her come back in and apologize to me. Then we would give each other a hug, but still, the two of us just couldn’t get along. Finally, I began to simply avoid Jessa whenever I could because it seemed she was always looking for ways to annoy me.
One night during our family devotions, which we call Bible time, we read about the apostle Peter. I remember thinking he must have had an annoying person like Jessa in his life because he asked Jesus, “How many times can my brother offend me, and I still forgive him? Seven times?”
Jesus said, “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Now, He wasn’t saying that forgiving 490 times was the limit. (Because if that was the case, I thought, I could’ve probably stopped forgiving Jessa right then!) Dad explained that Jesus meant “You keep forgiving your brother as long as I keep forgiving you.”
Even at that young age, I knew Jesus had already forgiven me for way more mistakes than Jessa had even thought of making.
I asked Mom what she thought I should do, and she told me, “Jana, if you really want your sister to be nice to you, make it a point to be nice to her, even when she’s mean to you.” Then she shared with me what Jesus said in Matthew 5:44: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
Mom said an enemy could be understood as “anyone who invades your territory,” and Jessa sure was intruding—on my bunk bed, my sleep, and my disposition! Mom encouraged me to think of something nice I could do for her. So even though I didn’t want to and definitely didn’t feel like doing it, after praying about it I decided to give Jessa something that was very special to me.
Jill and I, as the oldest of the girls, had each been given matching pink jewelry boxes, and we both loved those beautiful boxes. It was hard to think of giving away one of my most treasured possessions—especially to someone I wasn’t happy with. But I tucked a few other childish but special-to-me things inside my jewelry box and then wrapped it up along with some candy. A little later, I told Jessa I had something to give her. I told her I loved her and handed her my gift.
From my perspective, I (Jessa) admit to having been a very strong-willed child. I enjoyed irritating my big sister Jana because I thought it was funny to see her response. I knew how to get under her skin! Now I know that what I really wanted, deep down, was for her to pay attention to me, and by aggravating her, I definitely got her attention.
The heart change for me began that day when she handed me that unexpected gift. I couldn’t believe it at first. What kid doesn’t like getting a gift? I was thinking I was getting a head start on birthday gifts, but I was pretty sure my birthday wasn’t anytime soon. Then Jana told me she loved me and just wanted to give me a gift to show me she loved me.
When I tore off the paper and saw her beautiful jewelry box, I was speechless. Even though I was only six, I understood what a treasure she was giving me. I knew how much she loved that jewelry box!
Our family travels together often—and of course we have our conflicts. Here we are at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. Notice our matching outfits!
After that, somehow, it was no longer fun to annoy Jana. That’s not to say I instantly stopped all the annoying habits I’d developed in my young life so far, but never again did I view Jana as someone who was fun to harass. From that time on, we began to spend more time playing together and doing things alongside each other, and she continued to show me how much she loved me in different ways.
Today, we’re close friends as well as sisters, but I know this might not be the case if Jana hadn’t forgiven me and taken that selfless step, way back in our childhood, to invest in my life and show me that she loved me. She truly demonstrated to me the principle behind the verse that says, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21).
Today we know families where adult siblings still can’t get along because all throughout their growing-up years their relationships focused more on irritating each other than on being friends. We’re so thankful our parents have put such a priority on helping us overcome those challenges at a young age. And we encourage all of you older girls who are reading this book to see that if you have a younger sibling who seems to make a hobby of constantly getting on your nerves, it’s most likely a desire for your acceptance. As you include your little sister or brother in your life and show genuine love, even when it’s contrary to what might seem like a natural reaction, we predict you’ll see a turnaround in your relationship.
If your problem is with a sibling, friend, or even an enemy, the basic principles are still the same. God commands us to forgive those who have wronged us or offended us. And then He wants us to go a step further, that “second mile,” and actually bless our offenders with kindness and prayer. Years ago, Mom and Dad gave us kids a wonderful example of blessing an enemy; it’s one that we remember to this day.
BLESSING YOUR “ENEMY”
OUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN in the real estate business for more than thirty years, and one of the ways they support our family is through the income from rental properties. Years ago, we were building the house we now live in, and money was very tight. Our family really needed the income from every property we had rented.
But one tenant in a commercial building stopped paying. Every month he would promise Dad he’d pay up soon. Next week for sure, he would say. But next week turned into next month, and no payment was made. Months went by, and no rent was paid. Finally, as much as he disliked doing it, Dad had to evict the tenant. But the guy wouldn’t leave! The local sheriff had to get involved, and it was a very unpleasant experience for everyone. But after they finally got him out, the unpleasant incident worsened when Mom and Dad saw the inside of the building: it had been vandalized. Walls had been spray-painted, electrical switches had been smashed with a hammer, and we found out the tenant had also drilled holes in the roof just out of meanness. To return it to rentable status required a lot of extra time and money we could not afford.
Meanwhile, we learned that the tenant had done the same thing to previous landlords, changing his personal and business name to avoid detection.
Shortly after he moved out of our building, we were surprised to learn that another property owner in our area had leased a commercial building to the man—even after Dad warned him about the man’s prior offenses.
The unscrupulous tenant had cost our family a lot, and it would have been easy to feel resentful toward him. But instead Mom sat us all down, and together we prayed for the man’s soul. She asked the Lord to bring people into his life who would point him to a relationship with God and that God would bless him with the character qualities he lacked, including honesty and integrity. Mom also asked God to heal him of the alcoholism that held him in a tight grip and also that he’d no longer be controlled by anger.
Then Mom asked us kids to think about what we could do to bless him.
It’s normal to think of seeking revenge against someone who’s wronged us. But again and again, God’s Word teaches us that forgiveness heals in ways far beyond our understanding. And that was the powerful lesson Mom was demonstrating for us that day.
We made some homemade bread and honey butter, loaded up the van, and drove down the road to the man’s new offices. Mom and I (Jill) and a couple of the other kids took the gift to him.
You can imagine the shock on his face when Mom said, “Hello. I’m Michelle Duggar, Jim Bob’s wife, and we’ve brought you a little gift.”
When we handed him the bread and honey butter, he quietly said, “That’s very Christian of you.” We wished him well, and returned to the van. He never apologized for his misdeeds, and we have no way of knowing what impact our unexpected gift had on him. But that wasn’t the point. That day Mom was teaching us kids what Jesus meant when He told us to bless our enemies. Not that this man was an enemy in the normal sense of the word. But he had wronged us, and the experience could have left a brand of bitterness on our family for years to come. Instead, we saw just the opposite demeanor—humility and grace—in the character of our parents as they emphasized to us that people are far more important than things.
PRACTICING CONFLICT RESOLUTION
BECAUSE LOVE AND CHRIST-LIKE character have always been their desire for us kids, Mom and Dad are constantly teaching us, by their words as well as their actions, how to resolve our differences in ways that keep our relationships with each other strong and healthy. They have encouraged us to not hold a grudge or give someone the silent treatment—ignoring each other and with our body language saying, I’m mad at you, and I don’t want to be around you. Instead, our parents encourage us to take care of an offense quickly and to do it before the day is over (see Ephesians 4:26). And then, once it’s resolved, it’s over. No hard feelings. We give each other a hug and go back to being best friends.
Apologies and forgiveness are crucial to this process, but we are learning that many of these ill feelings can be avoided from the start if we have a correct response at the onset of a situation. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.” This is why Mom works hard to respond to frustrating situations with a soft, almost-whisper voice—and encourages us to do the same. She’s seen that responding with loud, angry words only serves to bring more heat to the confrontation.
Mom had her hands full with infant twins John-David and Jana plus toddler Josh. Little did she know then that God would give her and Daddy sixteen more children in the years ahead.
Words are like toothpaste in the sense that once they come out of our mouths, they are not going back in. When we find ourselves in the middle of a conflict where an argument is erupting or a wrong is being committed against us, Mom encourages us to think before we speak and ask God to help us have a soft answer.
TALKING SWEET
IT IS UNDERSTOOD IN our household that tattling—taking a grievance straight to Mom and Dad—is not the proper way to handle a dispute. If we complain to Mom and Dad, we know that their first question will be “Did you talk sweet?” If our answer is no, we have no business coming to Mom and Dad.
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us that if our brother (or anyone) has offended us, we are supposed to go to that person and try to work things out in a kind and gentle way. Only after we have tried to encourage offenders to “turn their heart toward God and do what is right” (as Mom explains it) should we then bring the problem to the one in charge. Mom would remind us that our motive should not be to expose sin or evil deed, but to restore the “offender” to a right relationship with God and the people they’ve offended.
So here’s how it works: Let’s say Jill and I (Jana) are youngsters again, and Jill takes my cupcake. I can’t first run to Mom and Dad and yell, “Jill took my cupcake!” That would be tattling. To be a restorer, I need to sweetly ask Jill to give it back to me. My natural tendency is to say, “Jill, you give that back, or you’re in big trouble!” but that’s not how to restore the relationship. Instead, I need to say, “Jill, would you please do what is right and give my cupcake back?”
If Jill doesn’t return the cupcake (preferably uneaten), then I go to Mom or Dad with the problem. And most likely, Jill will face some consequences that give her a clear picture of what she did wrong. Mom and Dad guide the younger Duggar kids through this conflict-resolution training several times a day. This is not something that comes natural. It is learned behavior. Our parents have tried to be consistent, and they have seen it pay off.
Our parents have told us that a true friend is someone who encourages us to do what is right. As brothers and sisters, we’re also friends. We each have a responsibility in the Duggar family to keep one another accountable. So if I (Jinger) see James ride down the driveway on Justin’s new bicycle without permission and then leave it lying in the mud behind one of the cars, I don’t tell Mom about it. I first go to James and encourage him to do the right thing: move the bike, clean off the mud, and then apologize to Justin for mistreating his new bicycle and for riding it without first asking Justin for permission.
If James refuses or says he’ll do it later, then I’ve done all I can, and now it’s time to get a parent involved. I would ask James to come with me to talk it over with Mom and Dad—and again, the conversation needs to unfold in a sweet, respectful tone. Our heart’s motive here is so important. It should be our goal to see relationships restored, not merely to be the first one to expose others’ misdeeds to Mom or Dad. Mom will often ask us, “Are you looking to be a restorer or an exposer?”
It takes a little while for the youngest ones to understand this system and get the hang of it. But those of us who are older can clearly understand how it helps maintain the peace in our family’s home. As we have resolved to respectfully work out sibling arguments on our own, we find that most issues can be resolved without having to take it to a parent. Practicing this from an early age has proven to be beneficial preparation for adult life and going into the workplace, because the core principles for conflict resolution are the same—no matter our age.
SAYING “PLEASE DON’T”
ANOTHER SIMPLE DUGGAR FAMILY tradition that’s crucial when one person is annoying another are the words “Please don’t.” In our family, those two code words mean “Don’t do that again.”
For example, if Jeremiah grabs his twin brother Jedidiah around the neck and wants to wrestle, Jed has two choices. He can take him on and have a friendly wrestling match, or he can say, “Please don’t,” and the wrestling stops. Jeremiah must stop wrestling with Jedidiah. That’s the rule. No yelling, “Quit it!” or, “Stop it!” or, “I’m gonna tell on you.” When a Duggar says, “Please don’t,” that’s to be the end of it, and if the person doing the pestering doesn’t stop, he or she is in trouble.
Mom and Dad also teach us that we need to be aware of what we’re doing with our siblings and stop our own annoying behavior before it gets to the “Please don’t” stage. For example, if Jackson is whistling in Jason’s ear while he’s trying to concentrate on reading a book, and it’s clear Jason doesn’t like it, Jackson should ask himself, Am I the only one enjoying this?
If one person is having fun and the other isn’t, then, as Dad says it, “There is something wrong with this picture!” It’s called aggravating, or around our house, “stirring up strife.” And the aggravating behavior needs to stop; the one-sided fun is over.
SHARING PRACTICAL JOKES
NOW, AROUND OUR HOUSE there is a lot of fun and laughter throughout the day. Someone tells a funny joke or story, or plays a practical joke on someone, or someone does something that isn’t meant to be funny but turns out that way. We love having fun together as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.
A few years ago the Bates family, who also have nineteen children, came to Arkansas for a visit and to help us with some tree work after a big ice storm had hit our area. One afternoon, Dad was running some errands with Grandma Duggar when they decided to stop for some ice cream. As they pulled in to the parking lot of the ice cream shop, they noticed the Bates van parked by the right side entrance, and they saw Mrs. Kelly and several of her kids in the store. Dad pulled up and parked beside the Bates van, and as he and Grandma were getting out, he saw the oldest daughter, Michaela, sitting in the van with some of the littlest Bates kids.
Grandma and Dad opened the van door to say hi to Michaela, and then Dad got an idea. “Hey, why don’t I pull your van around to the other side of the building to play a joke on your mom?” They all laughed at the thought of the rest of the family coming out with hands full of ice-cream cones and just assuming they’d forgot which side of the shop they’d parked on. Dad hopped in as the driver, and Grandma rode shotgun as they zipped around the back to the other side of the building.
But at that exact moment, one of the Bates girls in the ice-cream shop (not to mention any names, but hers is spelled E-R-I-N) looked up and started screaming to her mom that she just saw some guy drive off in their van. Then they both started screaming for the person scooping the ice cream, “Call the police! Call the police! Someone just hijacked our van!”
The guy whipped out his cell phone and hurriedly dialed 9-1-1. About that time they saw the van reappear on the other side of the building with Grandma Duggar in the passenger seat wearing a big grin on her face. They were still in shock, but they told the guy on the phone with the police, “Oh, it’s just Grandma!”
We love visiting the Bates family at their home in Tennessee, shown here, or having their family visit us. But because both families have nineteen kids (and counting!), it’s a houseful.
Then they all came running out and told us how badly they had been frightened. But once their nerves had calmed down, everyone had a good laugh. Then they warned Dad, “Beware. What goes around, comes around!” And they assured him they would be looking for an opportunity to pull a little prank on him as well.
A few days later as Dad was burning a big pile of tree limbs that had fallen in the ice storm, he left one of the boys to keep an eye on the fire for a while. Mr. Bates got the idea to have one of the kids come running into the house yelling, “Fire! Fire!” and then everyone else was to cause a commotion like it was something serious. Well, it worked beautifully. We had never seen Dad move so fast! He jumped up out of his chair and quickly began filling up a big trash can full of water. Then he took off for the front door, hollering for help.
When he got outside, Mr. Bates announced this was Dad’s payback and it was all a planned joke. There was a fire, but it was just the same controlled burn Dad had left an hour before. We all had a good laugh, and Dad may have learned his lesson when it comes to playing practical jokes on the Bateses!
LAUGHING WITH, NOT AT
USUALLY STORIES LIKE THESE are hilariously recounted when we all get together in the evenings for family devotions, or as we call it, Bible time. Almost every night around eight thirty our family gathers, usually in the boys’ room, to discuss the happenings of the day and the plans or events on the Duggar schedule for the following day. Then we pray together and read a passage of Scripture (sometimes the Proverb that corresponds to the day of the month) and discuss how it applies to everyday life. Each one of us has an opportunity to share.
One night during Bible time, Josiah told how he and John were cruising down the road at fifty miles per hour in Dad’s one-ton Dodge pickup, which is equipped with a tow truck wheel-lift on the back. Someone had forgotten to shut off the lift’s power switch, and Josiah accidentally bumped the remote control with his foot, causing the arm to lower down to the road. Like a hydraulic jack, it lifted the rear tires of the truck up off the payment, and suddenly the back end of the truck skidded around into the ditch on the opposite side of the two-lane road.
It had to be a terrifying few seconds as the truck seemed to be picked up and spun around from the back by a huge, invisible hand and the guys suddenly found themselves staring out the front windshield up into the sky, bewildered by what had just happened! Thankfully no one was injured and by the time they drove the truck back home, Josiah was ready to share at Bible time, “You’re not gonna believe what happened!”
We were grateful the incident had a good outcome. When Josiah shared his story, no one criticized or put him down for what had happened. Putting someone down, being critical, or making fun of someone by mocking or even calling names is not showing respect. Whether it’s done in jest or with a spirit of cruelty, it can cause hurt that lasts a lifetime. Realizing how close they came to such a dangerous situation, we all took a moment to pray together and thank God for His providential protection, even for the fact that there was not a car coming in the other direction.
EARNING RESPECT
WHEN YOU GROW UP seeing how Scripture speaks to every area of life and how biblical principles make it possible to maintain close and loving relationships between yourself and your siblings, you see how the same practices carry over into relationships with others outside the family.
It’s so easy to get upset when someone does something irritating or unfair or even damaging. But when we respond with love and respect for the other person, and with an attitude of humility rather than self-righteousness, the relationship can be strengthened rather than weakened.
Mom and Dad tell us that friends may come and go throughout our lives, but our brothers and sisters will always be our siblings, so it is especially important to keep these relationships strong and full of love and respect.
Sometimes it’s easy to become frustrated when younger siblings pretend to temporarily have hearing problems when we’re trying to talk to them, or when they leave toys scattered around our bedroom floor for the umpteenth time. In these situations, Mom and Dad have reminded us that respect is something to be earned, not demanded.
To maintain order and harmony in the home, we have always had a “chain of command,” with Mom and Dad at the top and the “command” passing down the birth-order line from eldest to youngest. This is not something that lets older siblings assign their responsibilities to someone else. And it doesn’t mean the older siblings have little servants waiting on them hand and foot. That’s never allowed! The system is for those times when an older child encourages a younger child to do what is right or not do something wrong, and the younger child is expected to listen.
If I (Jinger) am babysitting my younger siblings and I say, “All right, kids, playtime is over. Let’s clean up the house before bedtime,” then all the kids know they’re expected to stop what they’re doing and start straightening up the house.
Mom and Dad have banned the phrases “You can’t tell me what to do!” and “You’re not my boss!” from our home, and they remind the younger children that their older siblings are their elders and they should treat them as such. So Johannah can ask Josie to help her pick up the toys in the playroom, and Josie needs to do it. Josiah can ask James not to whistle in the car, and he needs to stop. Joy can call all her younger siblings out to the bus after a road trip and delegate tasks to get the bus back in order, and everyone needs to listen to her instructions and cooperate.
This process has been very beneficial and has helped our family work together as a team. As long as the older siblings are telling the younger ones to do something good and right, something Mom and Dad would agree with, the younger ones need to listen and comply. And if they can’t comply for some reason, they are encouraged to graciously explain why but with a respectful attitude, and not by smarting off with “I’m not gonna do it, and you can’t make me!”
As older siblings, we have found that one of the fastest ways to earn respect from younger siblings is by respecting them. Sure, they may be half our age, but they are people, too, and they appreciate being treated with respect, just as we do.
When one of us complains about a younger sibling ignoring us or not being willing to listen to our advice, Mom says, “I know you want them to listen to you and respect you, but have you taken time to listen to them and hear what they have to say?”
Her words make us stop and realize how often we may have been too busy to hear them tell their favorite joke (yes, the same one we have heard over and over at least twenty times). Or to hear them excitedly tell us about the new words they are learning to read. Or maybe to listen to them play a violin piece they’ve been working hard on for several weeks.
When I (Jessa) was young, the thing that meant the most to me was seeing my older siblings enjoy my sense of humor. I know now that I didn’t always have the funniest wisecracks or jokes to share, but I really felt loved and important when they listened to me and laughed at things I thought were funny.
Jinger has a special talent when it comes to musical abilities. She has always been diligent in her music practice and has really excelled. She is concert-pianist material! But when she was younger, there was a time when she compared herself to some of us other siblings, and I could tell she was a bit discouraged. Different ones of us were able to cheer her on with an encouraging word here and there, and today, she’s the one giving us piano-playing tips!
As older siblings, our words and actions have so much power—they can either boost or shoot down our younger brothers’ and sisters’ self-esteem. Mom and Dad have encouraged us to praise the good character we see in our siblings instead of always focusing on the negative things. Instead of focusing on the food still stuck to the corner of the table after a little one tried to wipe it down, we’ve learned to praise their efforts in doing the job in the first place.
Our film crew posed us in front of an old, abandoned house in our area for a recent photo shoot.
Mom explained that praise is not the same thing as flattery. Praise focuses on character qualities such as diligence, attentiveness, or creativity, while flattery is saying things like “You’re so gorgeous” or “You’re so smart” or “You’re the best violinist in the whole world.” Flattery can create a wrong attitude of pride because it focuses on outward appearance or God-given talents—things that individuals can’t rightfully take the credit for.
Don’t get us wrong; we should definitely be telling our little sister that we like her hairstyle or that her outfit is adorable. She needs to hear that from us more than from anyone else. But it is only half as important as her hearing us say we were blessed by her initiative in cleaning up the kitchen without being asked, or her generosity in sharing her candy with her little brother.
We’ve heard it said, “Be careful what you praise someone for, because he or she will want to do more of it.” And we’ve found this to be true. As we have praised a sibling for good character, we see him or her work even harder at the task in the future. Younger (and older) siblings grow and thrive on praise and acceptance.
When you’re trying to gain respect, it never ever helps to say things like “I wish you would just go away!” or “You’re always getting on my nerves!” Something else that is known to cut deep is name-calling of any sort, even jokingly. If our siblings hear anything from us, it should be things like “You’re so much fun to be around” or “You’ve got a great sense of humor.” And if, for some reason, we can’t think of anything else to say, we can always tell them, “I love you so much!”
As older siblings, we have had many times when younger siblings want to be just like us, whether it’s dressing like us or wanting to go where we go or even wearing the same hairstyle. An incident many years ago served as a lesson to us all. A younger sibling asked, “What kind of ice cream are you getting?” and the frustrated older sibling replied, “You don’t have to always copy everything I do! Why don’t you just pick out your own flavor?”
Mom immediately took that older sibling aside and shared how much hurt and devastation a remark like that causes. She explained that the greatest form of admiration is imitation, and instead of being upset when a younger sibling wants to imitate us, we should realize that the young one is looking up to us and thinking the world of us. They want to be just like us, and one jabbing remark like that could greatly damage the relationship.
Apologies were made, and the younger sibling readily forgave. The older sibling resolved to never speak demeaning words like that again but rather to embrace and uplift this sibling, and today, these two continue to be the best of friends.
One thing that is sure to build respect is to ask a family member to point out our “blind spots.” From time to time, and usually during every heart-to-heart talk, Mom and Dad have asked us kids to do this for them—to lovingly and respectfully point out things they may have unknowingly done to offend us or things they may have done that embarrassed or irritated us. They are willing to calmly listen to what we have to say and then apologize for misunderstandings or other things that have hurt us. That practice has given us older kids the courage to do the same with our younger siblings.
You can be sure this is not easy! It’s especially hard not to react or want to defend ourselves. We call them “blind spots” for a reason—because often, we have a hard time seeing these actions and behaviors. They are like those spots from inside a vehicle as we’re driving down the road and about to change lanes. We look out the rear- and side-view mirrors and don’t see anything. But if we rely only on the mirrors and don’t physically turn our head and look around before merging lanes, we’re likely to hit the car that was there all along but was “hidden” in our blind spot.
I (Jessa) had an experience like that several years ago when I was a new driver. I went to the local grocery store to pick up some food for supper, and as I was backing out of my parking space, there was a car behind me that I couldn’t see in any of my mirrors. But it was there nonetheless, and I ran right into it. I quickly pulled back into my parking space and got out to inspect the damage. My vehicle was fine, but I had put a large dent between the rear wheel well and the back fender of the other car. I had to wait for the lady to come out of the store, and then make restitution for the damage I had caused. I certainly didn’t ram into her car on purpose. But just the same, the damage was done, and I was responsible.
In the same way, we sometimes do things that unknowingly hurt our siblings They may not come out and say, “You hurt me when you said or did such-and-such,” but when we ask them to share these things and they know we won’t react harshly or defensively, trust is built in our relationship.
BEING A LOYAL SIBLING
WE WANT TO TOUCH briefly here on the topic of loyalty among siblings and being willing to stand up for and encourage one another even when others make fun or tease. This is something that is stressed in the Duggar household. If someone is teasing our little brother because he’s short for his age, or if a friend is about to pull a prank that would bring embarrassment on an unsuspecting sibling, we want to gently and lovingly take a stand and say, “Hey, that’s not very nice. Let’s not do that,” or “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk that way about my sister.”
Likewise, if someone is making a joke of a sibling’s outfit choice or hairstyle, we siblings should never join in or laugh along with the “joker.” Disloyalty among siblings, even in the smallest incidents, can cause hurt feelings that can last a lifetime. To rephrase an old saying: Sticks and stones may break a person’s physical bones, but mocking or scorning words will most definitely break a person’s spirit and destroy his or her self-confidence.
As an example, in Arkansas, teens can get their learner’s driver’s license at the age of fourteen, and in the Duggar family, the first vehicle we usually learn to handle is the fifteen-passenger van. As a prerequisite, years before this, Dad starts us off on the riding lawn mower, so by the time we get our permit, we are comfortable behind the wheel. However, in the first few months, new drivers in our family assume the responsibility of driving our family to and from church on Sunday mornings, and it can be a little intimidating to have thirteen backseat drivers all trying to tell you to “Slow down!” or “Speed up!” and “Don’t forget to turn your blinker on.”
Duggar kids learn to drive first by being assigned lawn-mowing duties on the riding mower. Then they move up to driving the RTV around the property. Joy, shown here chauffeuring some younger Duggars, now has her learner’s permit and is an excellent driver.
Mom and Dad have stressed that there’s a distinct line between giving advice and degrading someone as a person. We have had friends overreact with some of our siblings and insinuate that they don’t want to be a passenger in the vehicle the sibling is operating—or even come right out and tell the sibling that he or she is a bad driver. That’s definitely a situation when we will speak up and say, “Aww, that’s not nice to say. He’s actually a very good driver! Probably better than I was at his age.”
Our parents have set an example for us in giving lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement to new drivers by saying, “Good job on making that turn” and “You’re getting a lot smoother with your acceleration and braking.” Our parents have encouraged us not only to stand up to others when they are putting down or mocking our siblings but also to go a step further and seek to constantly communicate the love and respect we hold toward one another.
For instance, Josiah recently started driving our family’s bus, and even though he’s just sixteen, he handles it very well. Even if we’re a little nervous when a new driver is at the wheel, we resolve to give advice only when necessary and to praise the new driver to our friends, pointing out that he or she is a cautious and safe driver.
We have found that when friends hear us speak words of affirmation and praise about our siblings, the chances that they will speak negatively or poke fun at them are much smaller. We’ve found that it’s refreshing when people sincerely build each other up instead of look for something to criticize and or critique. By God’s grace, this is something all of us are trying to focus on in our lives.
BEING A SERVANT-LEADER
BECAUSE ALL OF US siblings are close and because we enjoy being together, we’re always overjoyed to learn that another Duggar brother or sister is on the way. Since we were very young, Mom was always good to let us help out with the baby in ways that were age-appropriate. Mom would usually let us pick out an outfit for the littlest Duggar or let us rock the baby to sleep during naptime. And as the baby began eating his or her first table foods, we were able to help with feeding Cheerios or little jars of baby food. Looking back, we jokingly say it was like having live baby dolls. Of course, Mom was right there helping us all the time, but we absolutely loved getting to help out, and it was never considered drudgery.
As our family grew, we established the “buddy system,” which pairs all of us older guys and girls with a younger “buddy.” The buddy system has proved helpful time and again—especially with keeping track of everyone when we’re making our way through an airport or sightseeing in a busy place like New York City. We all look out for each other so no one gets lost or separated from the group.
Of course, Mom and Dad are still Mom and Dad, and they’re constantly filling that role with each one of us as our number-one buddies. But we older kids enjoy being able to help out whenever we can. We typically assist the littlest ones in ways such as fixing their hair or filling their plate at mealtime, or helping out with their music practice. Occasionally we may substitute for Mom in teaching a phonics lesson.
But lest you get the wrong impression, be assured this is not a one-sided ordeal. We also encourage our little buddies to practice doing things on their own and to help us with chores, working alongside us as we scrub dishes or work in the garden. This helps them grow and mature with the understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around them. As Mom has told us repeatedly, “A person will be blessed with true happiness and joy only when their focus in life is on what they can give, not get.” The Duggar household runs the smoothest when everyone—young and old—to the best of their ability, makes it their goal to serve and give 110 percent.
In Matthew 23:11–12, Jesus said, “He that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.” By looking for ways to serve our younger siblings, we older kids have the opportunity to display servant-leadership, something Jesus calls every Christian to do. This attitude helps the younger kids respect us, and in turn, they desire to be a servant-leader toward their younger siblings. This mind-set has strengthened and brought us closer as a family, and it has helped us learn to work together as a team.
SHARING LOSS
WE WERE THRILLED WHEN Mom became pregnant in 2009 with the baby who turned out to be our sweet Josie. And when Josie was born in December of that year, nearly fifteen weeks early, she weighed one pound, six ounces. Her head was the size of a cue ball, and her body was oh so tiny.
Mom had suffered a nearly fatal episode of preeclampsia, and we all wanted nothing more during that time than to be together, cling to each other, and pray together as we thanked God for His mercy in sparing both Mom and Josie. No one thought it odd when Dad said the whole family would be moving to Little Rock for a few months so we could be together until Josie was ready to come home. That’s what we wanted.
We older children help, encourage, and mentor our younger siblings—or sometimes a younger niece, as Joy-Anna enjoys doing with our niece, Mackynzie.
Josie’s fragile start in life was one of the most difficult things we had ever experienced, but as the weeks passed and she grew stronger and stronger, we witnessed miracle after miracle as we saw how God used even Josie’s premature life to touch many people and draw our family closer together.
When Mom and Daddy told us in summer 2011 that another baby was coming, we were so happy. And in December of that year we excitedly waited for them to come home after Mom’s twenty-week ultrasound at her doctor’s office. As soon as someone spotted their car coming down the driveway, we sounded the alarm (meaning, put out a call over the intercom) and hurried to greet them.
The night before, we had held a family meeting to vote on which first and middle names we liked the best. If the baby was a girl, then we girls would be celebrating that the Duggar tribe would finally be split evenly: ten girls and ten boys. If it was a boy, we would celebrate a happy change of nursery colors after the birth of four baby girls in a row.
Mom and Dad were pelted with eager questions as soon as they came through the door. Then, when we’d all settled down, Daddy said softly, “Mama . . .”
Mama smiled a sweet smile and said, as tears welled up in her eyes, “We had the ultrasound . . . and there was no heartbeat. Our baby has died.”
We were stunned. Speechless. The baby brother or sister we had so looked forward to holding and playing with . . . was gone. There was no holding back the tears as Mom shared the story of how the technician had started the ultrasound, how she had looked and looked at the screen, how she had paused and turned to them, looking so sad, and said, “I’m so sorry.”
The doctor had confirmed that there was no heartbeat, shared what comfort she could as a longtime family friend, and told them that Mom would probably go into labor sometime soon and deliver the stillborn baby.
As Christians, we believe that God can use everything that happens to us—even the hardest heartache—for good (see Romans 8:28), and in faith we thank God “in every thing” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). So we weren’t at all surprised to have Dad tell us that one of the first things he and Mom did after hearing this devastating news was to pray together, thanking God for the weeks they had had with the baby as they happily anticipated the joy they would feel when they held the little one in their arms. They thanked Him for their unshakable faith that they would see that child someday in heaven. And then they asked the Lord for peace and for the strength they would need to go home and share the hard news with their other children.
Mom and Dad told us it’s natural to weep and we shouldn’t be ashamed of our tears. We all feel great sadness when we lose a loved one. They reminded us that we don’t weep “as others which have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) because we know that one day we will see our sister in heaven. But we sadly miss her now.
A few days later Mom went into labor, and little Jubilee Shalom Duggar was born. Her name means “joyful celebration of peace.” She had beautiful blue eyes, and a very cute little Duggar nose. She looked perfect in every way.
Our family held a memorial service for Jubilee a few days later, with close friends and family in attendance.
When Mama had announced she was pregnant with her twentieth child (actually it was her twenty-first, including a prior miscarriage more than twenty years ago), the news was reported in newspapers, magazines, and newscasts around the world. Now the headlines around the world reported Jubilee’s passing, along with statements from our parents confirming that our little sister was loved. She was worth naming, worth having a memorial service for, and she would be missed.
In the months since then we have seen how God used Jubilee’s short life and our big family’s love-filled reaction to her death to remind people of the true value of life, born and unborn. We’ve also seen the value, again, of being a family of close relationships. When we go through challenging times of difficulty and change, God wants us to turn to Him and realize just how much we need Him. Our parents guided us through our grief over Jubilee’s death in ways that helped us see that God is in control no matter what happens. Through the whole birth, burial, and grieving process, God drew us closer to Himself—and to each other. Those are just a few of the many ways God brought something good from what seemed to be a tragedy. Through Jubilee’s passing, we have gained a greater appreciation for each sibling. The experience encouraged us to love each other even more, underscored our belief in the value of each life, and challenged us to take every opportunity to invest ourselves in each other, realizing we may not have tomorrow.