An Extract from ‘Morecambe and Wise in “Double Trouble”’
Extracts from Morecambe and Wise’s ‘Live’ Touring Act of the 1970s
(Both Eric and Ernie walk on from stage right to loud applause from audience, both take a bow from the right hand side of the stage, and then one from the left. All this done to the theme of Bring Me Sunshine played by the Johnny Wiltshire Sound, who are on stage behind them.)
E.M.: Everybody. Ah, marvellous.
(Eric takes another bow.)
E.M.: Thank you.
(Ernie dances around.)
E.M.: Marvellous. (To Ernie) Have we got time for anymore?
E.W.: Yes, I think so.
E.M.: Oh, lovely.
(Eric straightens his glasses.)
E.W.: Lovely, that.
E.M.: Lovely.
E.W.: What a place.
E.W.: I’ve never worked in an aircraft hangar before.
E.M.: No.
(Eric says this with hands in his pockets looking around as if inspecting the place.)
E.M.: Are you gonna take off?
E.W.: I think so.
(Eric turns round to face the band behind him and puts his thumbs up.)
E.M.: And John, I think that was great.
E.W.: That was great.
(Johnny raises his hand in acknowledgement.)
E.M.: You did that superbly, you really did.
(Pause and Eric turns to audience with his hands still in his pockets.)
E.M.: Which is sad when you come to consider. However, you can’t have everything in life.
E.W.:There’s a terrible fracas going on at the side of the stage.
E.M.:Yeah…Eh?
E.W.: I said there’s a terrible fracas going on out there.
(Eric turns his head away from Ernie and looks side stage.)
E.M.: Can he say fracas?
(Pause.)
E.M.: No. Fracas.
E.W.: Fracas.
(Eric nods his head at side of the stage.)
E.M.: No, but you were close.
E.M.:They’re looking it up.
E.W.: Looking it up?
E.M.: But then again, they always did!
E.W.: They’ll let us know later will they?
E.M.: They’ll let you know later, yes.
(Eric touches his glasses with one hand, and drops it a second later.)
E.M.: It’s a lovely place, isn’t it?
E.W.: Yes, beautiful. Beautiful, isn’t it?
E.M.: It’s like a sauna bath with ants.
E.M.: (Pointing towards audience) Have we got a show for you tonight folks. Have we got a show for you tonight. (Laughs nervously) Hey, have we got a show for them tonight?
E.W.: Just.
(Eric slaps his hands together excitedly, then shakes them as if they hurt.)
E.M.: (Pointing to audience and laughing) I tell you what we have got. We’ve got a fella who’s going to come on in a few minutes’ time, he’s really clever ‘cos he swallows…oh yes, folks!…he swallows a four foot sword!
E.W.: What’s clever about that?
E.M.: He’s only three foot tall!
(As audience laugh, Eric and Ernie both talk under their breath to each other for a second.)
E.M.: He’s back there at the moment like that. (Bends his leg at funny angle and leans to one side) It’s agony for him! He doesn’t know where to put his hat.
(Eric grabs Ernie’s arm.)
E.M.: (Quietly) But he has found a place, I’m told.
E.M.: My god, it’s all going on…you’re working well, Ern.
(Ernie stands there, arms crossed.)
E.M.:You’re working well…you can’t see the join. (Points to Ernie’s hair) that’s one of the best you’ve ever had that. It’s a beauty!
(Ernie proudly tapping his hair as Eric says this.)
E.M: It arrived this morning all the way from Axminster…on its own. You should have seen it climbing up those steps!
(Eric uses his hand to help visualise the image.)
E.M.: Like the beast with five fingers. Aaaahhghgh!!!!!
E.W.: I’ve shampooed it.
E.M.: Eh?
E.W.: I’ve just shampooed it.
E.M.: With what?
(Laugh from Ernie and then from Eric.)
E.W.: (Suddenly serious) You’re using the wrong approach.
E.M.: Who is?
E.W.: You is.
E.M.: Oh! Am I?
E.W.: Yes. You’ve got to get friendly with the audience.
E.M.: Oh yes, I suppose you have. I’m not a complete fool, you know.
E.W.: Why, what part’s missing?
E.M.:We allow him one…and that was it. It’s uphill from now on.
E.W.:You do it by facing them, making a funny remark about someone in the audience, then they’re on your side.
(Eric slaps Ernie’s chest and leaves his hand there for a few seconds. He then puts his arm around Ernie and with the other hand slaps Ernie’s face repeatedly.)
E.M.: Make fun about them, laugh about them and everybody does. Everybody laughs. (Eric laughs aloud) There’s some funny people about, ain’t there? Everyone in the front row is saying to themselves, ‘I hope to God they don’t pick on me’.
E.W.: It’s true!
E.M.: You can see it in their eyes, they’ll all going…
(Eric imitates someone desperately trying to mind their own business and not be noticed.)
E.M.: However, I’ve got one.
E.W.: Haven’t we all?
E.M.: You dirty little devil.
E.W.: I…
E.M.: Hello lady!
E.W.: Hello lady!
E.M.: By golly, aren’t you fat!
E.W.: (Putting his hands on his side and walking around in disbelief) No!!!
E.M.:What a fat woman you are.
E.W.: Don’t say that.
E.M.: Did you come on a lorry? How did you get in?…More to the point, how’re you gonna get out?
E.W.: I’m sorry madam, he’s just pulling your leg.
E.M.: I couldn’t even lift it! Have you seen it? It’s enormous, Ern! There’s a big, enormous woman over there. (Takes glasses off, worriedly) It’s a fella!
E.W.: I’m perspiring freely here.
E.M.: (Facing the audience) It’s the heat you know, the lights and everything.
E.W.: Yes. (Pause)The difference between you and I is I perspire and you sweat.
E.M.: I suppose so, yes. (Pause) I wish I had the nerve to do that.
E.W.:The nerve to do what?
E.M.:Well…in public like that.
E.W.:You’ve got a handkerchief in your top pocket.
E.M.: (In a low voice) It’s me shirt!
E.W.: It’s your shirt? A shirt in your top pocket?
E.M.: Yes, yes.
E.W.:You’ve come all the way to the Fairfield’s Hall, Croydon—this classy joint—and you had the…You’re making us look like a cheap music hall act.
E.M.: We are a cheap music hall act, whaddya mean?
E.W.: They don’t know.
E.M.: (Genuinely laughing) I’m sure they do! (Ernie laughs too. Then he pulls on Eric’s ‘handkerchief’ and Eric’s left leg rises) Don’t do that. It’s my shirt! (Ernie does it again.)
E.W.: (Turning away from Eric and looking searchingly out into the audience) I’d like to give a warm welcome to my fan club here tonight.
E.M.: Oh, lovely. Where’s he sat?
E.W.: (Pointing) Just over there.
E.M.: (Giving a small wave) Hello sir, nice to see you again. (To Ernie) Follows you everywhere doesn’t he?
E.W.: All the way from Carlisle.
E.M.: On a handcart. Marvellous. Fabulous that. (Nods his head and then adjusts his glasses.)
E.W.: Nice to see you again, Rodney.
E.M.:Who is it this time?
E.W.: Rodney.
E.M.:What happened to Esmey? (Pause) Not a lot, I’m told. (Ernie laughs at this.)
E.W.: (Suddenly) You don’t think I get fan mail, do you?
E.M.: (Looking shocked and grabbing Ernie’s arm) Good Lord, no!
E.W.: (Impersonating American film star James Cagney) Well, that’s where you’re wrong, you dirty rat, you!
E.M.: John Wayne?
E.W.: No…(Moves closer to Eric) You dirty rat!
E.M.: You’re on me foot!
E.W.: Freddie Starr! (Pause) I’ve got a fan letter here.
E.M.: That’s a relief.
(Ernie produces a letter from his pocket.)
E.W.: I’d better read it. I’m getting nowhere with my…
E.M.: Impressions.
E.W.: Impressions.
E.M.:Your Freddie Starr.
E.W.: My Freddie Starr. It says—it’s so small I can’t see it. Can I borrow your glasses?
E.M.: Is that all it says? You see, I can’t class that as fan mail: ‘Dear Mr Wise, can I borrow your glasses,’ signed a well-wisher. I can’t…
E.W.: No, no. Can I borrow your glasses so I can read this fan letter to the gathered assembly?
E.M.: I didn’t realise that. Of course you may.
(Eric hands his glasses to Ernie, but not where he is standing. Ernie sighs, takes them and puts them on. Ernie looks at Eric and Eric laughs loudly at him.)
E.W.: I’ll read this fan mail.
E.M.: Yes, do that.
E.W.: (Reading) ‘Dear Morecambe and Wise, I like you very much, but my favourite is the one with the glasses.’
E.M.: Thank you, thank you (then expression changes as he remembers Ernie has his glasses).
E.W.: I’m the favourite.
E.M.: (Snatching his glasses back from Ernie) I get fan mail too, matey. You don’t think so, do you?
E.W.: No, I don’t.
E.M.:Well, I do.
E.W.: Not as good as me.
E.M.: Better than your fan mail, matey (feeling jacket)…if I’ve got the right jacket on! If I haven’t then there could be a minute’s silence! (Both men suddenly face the audience perfectly still and silent. Then Eric rechecks his pockets and produces a piece of paper.) Wanna hear this?
E.W.: Yes, please.
E.M.: (Rustles paper in microphone. Clears his throat.) Dear Mr Morecambe, you can’t sing, you can’t dance, you’re not funny. (Ernie smiles smugly.) P.S. Get rid of your partner, he’s dragging you down!
E.W.: It doesn’t say that.
E.M.: Oh yes it does.
E.W.: We’ve had another special request.
E.M.: What?
E.W.: You can stay!
E.M.: (Laughing) Oh! Another gem hit the dust.
E.W.: I’m going to sing a little song.
E.M.: What?
E.W.: It goes something like this…
E.M.: (To audience) Any questions you want to ask us? Anything at all? We don’t mind. Anything? (Nervous laughter from audience, clearly not expecting this.)
E.M.: Eh?
Voice from audience: Who’s going to win the cup?
E.M.: It won’t be Crystal Palace, I can promise you that! Not doing too bad, Luton. Doing very well Luton are at the moment. We play Middlesbrough next week. If we beat Middlesbrough at Middlesbrough that’s four points to us that, because we cheat! Very good, that. Any other questions?
(Indistinct voice from audience.)
E.M.: Pardon? When are we coming back? We’ll be here tomorrow! Pardon? The ‘Two Old Men Sitting in Deckchairs’ joke? Well, there were two old men sitting in deckchairs and one old man says,’ It’s nice out’ and the other says,’ Yes it is, I think I’ll take mine out!’ (Pause till laughter subsides) Any other questions? Any at all?
E.M.: I’ve gotta stop doing that you know. (Playing with his hands in his pockets) No I mustn’t, it’s becoming a habit that. It’s getting to the point where it’s fun.
E.W.: Anything else?
E.M.: Pardon?
E.W.: Anything else?
E.M.: Anything else?
E.W.: Sex life?
E.M.:You want to know about his sex life?
(‘Yes!’ chorused back from the audience.)
E.M.: I thought you would. I thought you would, you’ll have to buy the book, it’s called Eric and Ern and it’s all about his sex life.
E.W.: Yes, yes.
E.M.: One chapter, 24 blank pages, and a full stop at the end.
(Question suddenly from the audience.)
E.M.: Pardon, love?
Voice from audience:Are you signing autographs later?
E.M. + E.W.:Yes, yes.
E.M.: We’ll do it now if you’ve got a long arm. (Long pause while laughter sub-sides)You see this is a special year for Ern and I, you see, because we are celebrating er, de, lum, er…
E.W.: Thirty-four years together.
E.M.: Thirty-four years together, ever since we were kids, it’s true that.
(More prolonged applause) Marvellous, really. (Turning to Ernie) If we ever split, you’d never forget me would you? Ha, ha, ha, look at me when I’m talking to you. If we split you’d never forget me would you? Hey!
E.W.: After thirty-four years together.
E.M.: What?
E.W.: Kids together.
E.M.:We haven’t, have we?
(Eric laughs.)
E.W.: No. I’ll never forget you (gives Eric friendly punch on the arm. Eric grabs his arm as if it to hurt him). No! I’ll never forget you. Never!
E.M.: Knock-knock.
E.W.: Who’s there?
E.M.:You see what I mean, you’ve forgotten me already, haven’t you!
(Both leave stage to the band playing Bring Me Sunshine, both walk back on, bow and walk off. Eric goes and shakes Johnny Wiltshire’s hand then waves to audi ence and exits. Both return to continued applause.)
E.W.: (Having removed jacket and undone his shirt) Honestly, we were coming back.
E.M.: No, it’s been marvellous. Do me a favour, look at that (points to Ernie’s chest hair). Now, were you born or trapped? (Back to audience) It’s been lovely—no, you’ve been a marvellous audience, but we can’t stay any longer purely because we’ve got a large queue of people round for the next house—and we’ve run out of jokes. We’ll take one more question—anything at all.
(Murmur from audience.)
E.M.: ‘Fracas’! We never found out. It’s one of those that we’re not bothered about. (To side of stage) What’s ‘fracas’? Good Lord, he’s fainted. (Both laugh) He’s just found out! (To audience)What was that about the hairy legs? Just a quick flash, Ern (Ernie pulls up trouser leg to cheers and applause. Eric puts his glasses on Ernie’s leg, giving the impression of a hairy face).
E.M.:Thanks folks, that’s all!
(Both exit side stage for the last time to theme of Bring Me Sunshine, played by the band.)
Ends…