Part 4: Sexuality

Sex

THERE IS A SEXUAL REVOLUTION going on among your generation. But despite what the media might say, this is not a sexual revolution against traditional values like what happened in the 1960s. In that era, it was countercultural to have sex before marriage, to watch pornography, or to enter into an LGBTQ relationship. Today, these have become commonplace.

The real revolution today is the many young people who are choosing to follow Jesus rather than to accept the cultural script of sex, love, and relationships. The real revolution is young people like you, who are sick and tired of being bombarded with false information about sex and who want to know how to love God and their neighbors with their sexuality.

I am convinced that your generation wants real answers about sex. But I’m also not naive. Because you are growing up in such a sex-saturated culture, you have more hurdles to overcome to follow Jesus than any generation in modern history. You can hardly browse the Internet, watch YouTube, enter social media, or walk down the street without getting bombarded with a counterfeit message about sex.

In such a world, who can possibly expect you to follow God’s design for relationships? The answer is simple: God can. His standards haven’t changed, even if our culture’s have. I understand the incredible challenges you face in this arena, but you are capable of doing the right thing. God will “equip you with everything good that you may do his will” (Hebrews 13:21).

The Heart of the Question

Have you ever wondered why God gave the specific command not to eat the fruit of one specific tree in the Garden of Eden? Why that command? After all, fruit is made to be eaten and enjoyed, and Adam and Eve could eat all the other fruit in the Garden. And this fruit looked tasty to the senses, striking to the eyes, and appealing to the mind (see Genesis 3:6). Why didn’t God say to Adam, “You can do anything in the Garden, but don’t murder Eve”? Given how excited he was to first see her, this command would have been so much easier to follow!

My friend Rachel Gilson said it best: “What is the motivation to obey a law that seems nonsensical? It can only be deep trust in the one who asks.”[1] Obeying a law against murder doesn’t require trust. It’s obvious that we shouldn’t kill people. But God wasn’t interested in creating human beings just to follow laws. God created us to be in relationship with one another and with him. And since he is the Creator and we are not, we are going to have to trust him, even when things don’t make sense to us.

In the Garden of Eden, Satan tempted Adam and Eve by trying to undermine their confidence in God’s character. Did God really have their best interest in mind, or was he keeping them from all the fun? They didn’t understand why God commanded them not to eat the fruit, and so they chose to rebel.

Aren’t we faced with the same kind of choice today? The world offers “fruit” that looks pleasurable, fun, and satisfying. It is as if Satan were saying, “Is sexual activity really that big of a deal? Does porn really hurt anyone? As long as sex is consensual, there’s nothing wrong with it, right? Are you really going to judge someone else for how they love? Why embrace a view of sex, love, and gender that seems so closed-minded? Isn’t the Christian sexual ethic unrealistic today?”

God’s Commandments Are for Your Good

The biggest reason I trust God is because of Jesus. Jesus reveals God’s character through his tender kindness for those caught in the snare of sin, his compassion for the sick and demon-possessed, and his willingness to lay down his life for our salvation. If you want to know what God is like, look at Jesus. He lived the most loving, gracious, and beautiful life ever.

Not only is God good, but his commands are for our good. King David said he loved the law of the Lord (see Psalm 119:97). And before the Israelites entered the Promised Land, Moses gave commandments to the people that were intended for their good (see Deuteronomy 10:12-13). Jesus said following his commands would bring joy (see John 15:10-11). We may not understand all God’s commandments about sex, but the biggest question is Will we trust him?

We might not always understand why following God’s commands is best for us. But consider this: What would the world be like if everyone followed God’s plan for sex and the family? Would the world be better or worse? The answer is obvious:

• There would be no sexual exploitation, sexual trafficking, or sexual abuse.
• There would be no sexually transmitted diseases.
• There would be no crude, degrading sexual humor.
• There would be no pain from divorce.
• There would be no deadbeat dads.
• Kids would be brought into families with a mom and a dad who love each other.

Seriously, wouldn’t such a world be far better than our own? Of course!

God’s Design Brings Freedom

We often think of rules as restrictive, but although it may strike you as counterintuitive, following God’s plan for sex will actually make you more free. How so? Let me explain.

One of my friends took his junior high youth group to play paintball. On the way home, a seventh grader announced to his friends that he loved it so much that someday he wanted to be in the military and go to war.

An older youth worker who had been to war spoke up and said, “You are missing the point. Paintball is fun because there are no consequences. You might get hit with a paintball, and at most you will have a welt. In paintball, you are free to play the game without inhibitions because there is no fear of lasting consequences. But in war, there are extreme consequences, and there is great fear. If you get hit with a bullet, it might cost you your life.”

Sex within marriage is not unlike playing a game of paintball in one key sense: you are free to enjoy yourself without fear of negative consequences. Following God’s plan for sex enables couples to not worry about rejection, comparison, contracting an STD, or a broken condom. God’s plans are not meant to steal our fun but to help us flourish in our relationships with others.

There is so much confusion over the nature of freedom today. An alcoholic once said to me, “I am free to drink if I like.” I replied, “Are you free not to drink for a day?” He was silent. Many young people today think they are free to do whatever they want sexually as long as there is consent and no one gets hurt. But this is not true freedom. Real freedom is having the capacity to live as God designed you to live, regardless of how you feel. Just like a smartphone that is designed to function a certain way, God designed you and me for a purpose. We only experience real freedom when we follow the loving plan of our Creator.

Does this mean that people who reject God’s design don’t enjoy sex? Of course not. The prodigal son seemed to enjoy living in sin for a season before he “came to himself” (Luke 15:17). My point is not that you should obey God’s commandments because it will benefit you. Paul does not say to the Corinthian church, “Avoid sexual immorality because God’s plan is the road to the best sex.” As we have seen, God’s commands are for our good, and we are designed to flourish when we embrace them. But this is not the motivation for sexual purity. The motivation for being sexually pure should be to honor God with our bodies. Our motivation is to be holy because God is holy. Our motivation is to honor God.

What Is the Purpose of Sex?

If freedom comes from living as God has designed us to live, then what is his purpose for sex? The Bible gives three main purposes.

1. Procreation: Quite obviously, sex is about making babies. Genesis 1:28 makes this clear. Being fruitful and multiplying on the earth is both a command and a blessing.
2. Unity: One of the most powerful aspects of sex is its ability to bond people together. Genesis 2:24 says, “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” When a couple has sex, something changes in their relationship. They have entered into a deeper, “one flesh” union that is not only spiritual but also emotional, relational, and even biochemical (which is one reason it is especially difficult for teenagers to break up after they have been sexually active).
3. Foreshadowing heaven: The Bible begins with a wedding between Adam and Eve (see Genesis 2). The apostle Paul tells us that marriage has existed since Creation to point us to the mysterious union between Christ and the church (see Ephesians 5:31-32). Human history even culminates with the “marriage of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:7), which is the heavenly wedding of Christ (the groom) and the church (the bride).

Why is this so important? Christopher West notes, “The union of the sexes—as beautiful and wonderful as it is in the divine plan—is only a faint glimmer, a pale picture within time of the eternal union with God.”[2] When people focus merely on the physical element of sex and ignore the relational, spiritual, and emotional dimensions, they miss the deeper unity—the intimate connection—that occurs between two people in the act of sex. It is this kind of holistic union that foreshadows the kind of greater union we will have with God and others in heaven.

The cultural obsession with sex today misses its deeper purpose of foreshadowing our union with God in heaven. Since our culture has lost the transcendent meaning of sex and focuses merely on the physical, many people today think that sex itself is the route to happiness. Thus, rather than worshiping the Creator, people today worship the created thing (sex). The Bible calls this idolatry (see Romans 1:18-32).

Here is something else our culture desperately misses: even the most wonderful sex life cannot satisfy the craving of the human heart for love and connection. I have been married to my wife for over two decades. I thank God for my caring, loving, and beautiful bride. Yet she is not my ultimate fulfillment, and I am not hers. We both know that any human relationship—including our own—cannot ultimately fulfill the deepest yearning of our hearts for love and relationship.

Sex is beautiful. But remember, it is foreshadowing the deep intimacy we will experience with God and others in heaven. This doesn’t mean that heaven involves endless sexual bliss (as some religions describe it). It simply means that sexual union on earth is a pointer, an anticipation, a foreshadowing of a deeper union we will all experience in heaven.

Standing Boldly for Sexual Purity

Here are three quick tips for following God’s design for sex.

1. Avoid sexually tempting situations. The Bible tells believers to resist Satan and to “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Whether it is avoiding parties, certain social media apps, or being on your phone when you are alone, the wise Christian thinks about sexually tempting situations ahead of time and avoids them.
2. Have an accountability structure. Whether it’s a parent, youth pastor, teacher, or friend, we all need someone to ask us the tough questions about our sexual choices, to show us grace when we fail, and to help keep us accountable.
3. Experience God’s grace. None of us can stand totally pure before God. We have all fallen short. But the good news is that God forgives us. Let me state it clearly: no matter what you have done, or what has been done to you, God forgives you. Like the father of the Prodigal Son, God yearns for you to experience his love and forgiveness. Don’t let your past determine your future. God loves you.

[1] Rachel Gilson, Born Again This Way: Coming Out, Coming to Faith, and What Comes Next (Epsom, Surrey, England: The Good Book Company, 2020), 23.

[2] Christopher West, Theology of the Body for Beginners: Rediscovering the Meaning of Life, Love, Sex, and Gender, rev. ed. (North Palm Beach, FL: Wellspring, 2018), 102.