Needs

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I need you to know that I loved him. I need you to know why I loved him. I need you to know all of the reasons I loved him. I need me to know why I loved him. I need you to know that I stayed for fifteen years for a reason. I need to know that there is a reason. I need to know what the reason is. I need to show you all the beautiful moments. I don’t want to bore you with happy tales, I don’t want to create unhappy tales, I don’t want to only tell sad tales. I don’t want to make him into a bad guy. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want there to be any bad guy. I need to do the math of my marriage and I need for it to add up to something that makes sense. Perhaps I need a ledger. I need for the good column to be longer than the bad, I need to see the marriage totals in front of me, I need for there to be accounting. I need to believe the people who tell me I didn’t waste fifteen years, that endings and failures aren’t the same thing.

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