CHAPTER 64
Before this time, I had a great longing and desire, by God’s gift, to be delivered from this world and from this life; for I often reflected on the troubles that are here, and the well-being and bliss that is in heaven. And even if there was no other pain in this life but the absence of our Lord, I sometimes thought it was more than I could bear. And this made me mourn and to long eagerly; as well as my own wretchedness, sloth and weakness. I simply did not want to live and to labour on, as it was given me to do.
And our courteous Lord answered these concerns with comfort and patience, and said these words: ‘Suddenly you shall be taken from all your pain, from all your sickness, from all your distress and from all your woe. You shall come up above and you shall have me as your reward, and you shall be filled full of love and bliss. And you shall have no manner of pain, ever again, no manner of discomfort and you will want for nothing; but rather, joy and bliss are yours without end. Why then should it upset you to suffer awhile, seeing that it is my will and my honour?’
And in these words: ‘Suddenly you shall be taken,’ I saw that God rewards us for patiently waiting on God’s will and on his time; rewards us for persevering with patience throughout our lives. Our ignorance of our time of passing is a great benefit; for if we knew when we were to die, we should not have the necessary patience. But, as God wills, while the soul is in the body, it seems to itself that it is always about to be taken. For the life and languishing that we have here is but a moment; and when suddenly we are removed from pain into bliss, then the pain shall be no more.
And at this time I saw a body lying on the earth; a body that was heavy and ugly, without shape and form, as one swollen by a stinking quagmire. And suddenly out of this body sprang a full fair creature, a little child, fully shaped and formed, nimble and lively, whiter than lily and which swiftly glided up into heaven. And the swollenness of the body spoke of the wretchedness of our deadly flesh; and the littleness of the child spoke of the cleanness and purity in the soul. And I thought: ‘Within this body, the fair child cannot dwell; and in this child can dwell no foulness of body.’
It is far better we are taken from pain, than that pain is taken from us; for if pain is taken from us, it may come again. It is therefore a sovereign comfort and sweet realisation in a loving soul that we shall be taken from pain. For in this promise I saw the marvellous compassion our Lord has for us in our woe, and a courteous promise of complete deliverance. For he wills that we are comforted in our death and passing, which he showed in these words: ‘And you shall come up above, and you shall have me as your reward, and you shall be filled with joy and bliss.’
It is God’s will that we set the point of our thought in this blissful contemplation as often as possible, and for as long a time as we can with his grace; for this is a good contemplation for the soul led by God, and most honouring for him while it lasts. And when we fall again into our depression and spiritual blindness, and feel pain and frailty, both spiritual and bodily, it is God’s will that we know he has not forgotten us, as he makes clear in these words: ‘And you shall never more have pain; no manner of sickness, no manner of discomfort and you will want for nothing, no wanting of will; but rather, joy and bliss are yours without end. Why then should it upset you to suffer awhile, seeing that it is my will and my honour?’
It is God’s will that we receive his promises and comfort as openly and as powerfully as possible. He wills also that we take our waiting and our troubles as lightly as possible, and regard them as nothing. For the more lightly we take them and the less price we set on them, out of love, then the less painfully we feel them, and the more thanks and recompense we shall have for them.
CHAPTER 65
And so I understood that whoever wilfully chooses God in this life, for love, may be sure that they are loved without end; and that this endless love works grace in them. For he wills that we are as certain in hope of the bliss of heaven while we are here, as we shall be in certainty when we are there. And the more pleasure and joy that we take in this certainty, with reverence and meekness, then the better he is pleased, as was shown. This reverence that I speak of is a holy and courteous fear of our Lord, allied with meekness, when a creature sees the Lord as marvellously great and themselves as marvellously little.
These virtues are to be enjoyed endlessly by those loved by God, and even now they may be seen and felt in some degree through the gracious presence of our Lord, when it is seen. His presence in all things is most desired, for it brings a marvellous assurance in true faith, a sure hope, a great love and a fear that is sweet and delightful.
It is God’s will that I see myself as much bound to him in love as if he had done all he has done, just for me; and so should every soul think inwardly of their lover. That is to say, the love of God creates in us such a unity that, when it is truly seen, no one can part themselves from another. And so we should think that God has done all things for us alone. And this was shown to make us love him, and to fear no one but him. For it is his will that we perceive that all the might of our enemy is taken into our Friend’s hand; and therefore the soul that knows this with certainty shall fear no one but the one he loves. All other fear he ranks with passions, bodily sickness and imaginations. And so although we are in so much pain, woe and distress that it appears to us that we can think of nothing but the state we are in and how we feel; yet as soon as possible, pass lightly over it and put it to one side. And why? God wills that we know him; and if we know him and love him and reverently fear him, we shall have peace and find great rest; and all that he does shall be a great pleasure for us.
And this our Lord showed in these words: ‘Why then should it upset you to suffer awhile, when it is my will and my honour?’
Now have I told you of fifteen revelations, as God granted to give them to my mind, renewed, I trust, by illuminations and touchings from the same Spirit who originally revealed them.
Of these fifteen showings, the first began early in the morning, about the hour of four; and they lasted, each following the other in due and steady order, until it was after three in the afternoon on the same day.
CHAPTER 66
And after this, on the following night, the good Lord showed the sixteenth revelation, as I shall speak of later; and the sixteenth was the conclusion and confirmation of the previous fifteen. But first I must tell you of my feebleness, wretchedness and blindness.
I said at the beginning of all this: ‘And in this moment, all my pain was suddenly taken from me.’ I had no pain, grief or distress as long as the fifteen showings lasted. And then at the end, all visions were withdrawn from my sight, and I saw no more. And soon I was feeling that I would live and continue to suffer; and later my sickness returned, first in my head with a sound and a din; and then suddenly all my body was filled with sickness like it was before. And I was as barren and dry as if I never had any comfort. And as a wretched creature I moaned and cried, feeling such bodily pains and lacking in all comfort, spiritual and physical.
Then a religious person came to me and asked me how I was. I said I had raved today, and he laughed loud and heartily. And I said: ‘The Cross that stood before my face, I thought it bled freely.’ And with this word the person I spoke to became most serious and marvelled. And later I was most ashamed and astonished at my recklessness, and I thought: ‘This man takes the least thing I say most seriously,’ and so I said no more about it. And when I saw that he took it so earnestly and with such reverence, I wept, truly ashamed, and wanted to confess; but at that time I could not tell a priest, for I thought: ‘How could a priest believe me? For I myself did not believe our Lord God.’ Yet I had truly believed for the duration of the showing, and it remained my will and intention to do this forever without end; yet like a fool, I let this pass from my mind.
Ah! What a wretch I am! This was a great sin and a great unkindness that I, distracted by a little bodily pain, so unwisely lost for a moment all the comfort of this blessed showing of our Lord God. Here you can see the sort of person I am.
But our courteous Lord would not leave me here. And I lay still until night, trusting in his mercy, and then began to sleep. And in my sleep, at the beginning, I thought the fiend had me by the throat, with his face close to mine; a face like a young man’s, long and particularly lean, the like of which I had never seen. The colour was red like newly-burnt tile stone, with black spots on it like black stains, more foul than the tile stone. His hair was red as rust, clipped in front, with long hair hanging on the temples. He grinned at me with a malicious glance, showing white teeth; and so many of them that I thought him all the more horrible. Neither his body or hands had any real shape, but with his paws he held me by the throat, and would have strangled me, but could not.
This horrible showing occurred while I was sleeping, unlike the others. But throughout this time I trusted I’d be saved and kept by the mercy of God. And our courteous Lord gave me grace to wake up, even though I scarcely had life in me. Those with me looked upon me, wet my temples and my heart began to settle.
And then a light smoke came in the door, with a great heat and a foul stench. I said: ‘Benedicite Domine! Everything is on fire here!’ And I imagined it was a real fire that would burn us all to death. I asked those with me if they smelt any stench. They said, no, they felt none. And I said: ‘Blessed be God!’ For then I knew full well that it was the fiend come to tempt me. And immediately I remembered what our Lord had shown me that same day, with all the faith of holy Church, for I regarded them all as one; and I fled there for my comfort. And suddenly everything vanished, and I was brought to great rest and peace, with no sickness in my body and a conscience free from fear.